[Alarm buzzing]
(Woman on radio) This just in:
New York's cockroaches
have hired a prominent ad agency to change their image.
They will now be called "hug-a-bugs."
[Ice cracking]
[All screaming]
[All groaning]
It stinks.
[Remote clicks]
Hello. I'm Jay sherman.
On this special Oscar-week episode
of coming attractions,
I'll look at films Oscar passed over,
like children of a lesser Godzilla.
[Footsteps pounding]
[Police siren wailing]
[Godzilla roaring]
(Child) Godzilla's not so bad.
He just cannot hear you.
[Godzilla growling]
He says he wants to meet all of you for breakfast.
(Policemen) Oh!
[Policemen screaming]
Or was that "eat you"? Oh, well...
Then there's the 1970s Sci-Fi classic,
planet of the dogs.
[Dogs howling]
So you see, we dogs evolved
and have become superior to you humans in every way.
Dr. zaius, quit sniffing my butt.
So sorry. I'll just rub up against the human's leg.
Very good.
Quit rubbing my leg, you bloody bowsers!
Anyway, that's our show for tonight.
Enjoy the oscars!
[Man whispering] You have 28 minutes left.
[Gasps] Huh?
Bad news, kemosabe.
This year, when I send you to the oscars,
it's not going to be first-class.
Alice? A girl?
I thought you'd want to bring raoul, the cabana boy.
Ah! But that would be the act of a gay man.
And, as you so often forget, I am not gay!
I...Believe you.
♪ Y.M.C.A.
♪ It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. ♪
♪ "a"
[groaning] Oh, ah. Ugh!
Guess what, baby. We're going to the oscars.
Jay, you big slice of molasses pie.
When I was growing up in Knoxville,
the oscars just seemed like
the most sophisticated thing in the world.
(Jack Nicholson) Before I announce the winner for best freakin' picture,
let's have another hand for best freakin' actress:
Faye dunaway!
[Audience clapping]
I'd like to sing something from Andrew Lloyd Webber.
♪[Screeches]
Thank you, miss hepburn.
(Hepburn) Well, she sucks.
Now, where can I find a baby-sitter for penny?
I know just the man: My father.
[Giggling] Yay!
I love the monster truck show.
What show?
[Man screams]
[Birds chirping]
At last, guernica is ours.
Take that, guernica.
Hey, Jay, want to ride in with me?
You don't want to ride with him. Ride with me.
Hey, I'm sure I've got a limo waiting
that befits my stature
as New York's 3rd most popular, early morning,
cable t.V. Film critic!
Where the hell have you been?
[Motorcycle squeaking]
We're going to Mexico!
[Jay moaning]
[Police siren wailing]
Huh?
[Crowd cheering]
And outside the 67th annual academy awards,
the stars keep coming.
(Announcer) Here's Jeremy hawke,
star of the illogical, blasphemous and ultra-violent
crocodile Gandhi movies.
Thank you. Thank you.
[All cheering]
And let's hear it for Roger ebert!
[Crowd cheering]
Jay sherman!
[Crickets chirping]
Idiots.
And now, here's Oscar Wilson,
the man who modeled for the Oscar statue.
[Crowd exclaiming]
And this is my lovely wife, Mary golden globes.
And our daughter, emmy... Hi.
And our son, b'Nai b'rith award.
How ya' doin'?
[Audience applauding]
♪[Orchestra playing]
The nominees for best special effects are:
Love affair,
for making Warren beatty look like a young man.
[Audience clapping]]
Uh, that's me up there.
[Dentures crashing]
2 minutes to your presentation.
[Gasps] It's chocolate.
Now I want one more than ever!
(Male announcer) To present the award for best documentary,
film critic Jay sherman!
[Crowd applauding]
[Belching loudly]
Critics, you're on next. Come on, people.
♪[Piano playing]
(Male announcer) And now, to make sure we don't finish by midnight,
a musical tribute to the film critic!
♪ We watched every movie last year ♪
♪ we rated every kiss and every tear ♪
♪ we saw tom cruise sucking blood ♪
♪ Meg Ryan hit the booze
♪ we saw 15 with Hugh grant and 7 by John Hughes ♪
thumbs up.
Thumbs down.
The cowboy waya wow?
No way. A bow-wow dog from holly-woof.
Ed wood? Who wouldn't? I give it 83 stars.
Oh-ho, whoa... whoa, whoo-hoo!
♪ The critic is a mystery
♪ no one knows what he thinks ♪
♪ except for Jay sherman
♪ who always says...
[Rattling on door]
Our next presenter won an Oscar
[banging on door] In to kill a mockingbird.
An unforgettable film about growing up
in a climate of racial hatred.
It stinks!
[All gasping]
[Laughs]
How awkward.
[Slurping]
Our movie in first-class today is the sequel to rain man,
entitled snowman.
Now, I want to warn you.
Your brother is a little, uh, special.
5 minutes to northern exposure.
Got to see moose. Got to see moose.
[Crying]
I wish I was in first-class
with siskel and ebert.
Chicken or fish?
Fish, please.
No, I mean, which is it, chicken or fish?
(Tom cruise) Here it is, Raymond.
Las Vegas. Hottest city in America.
Definitely melted. Very bad. Very bad.
Well, I thought that film was very poignant.
Particularly the scene
where tom cruise walks around Las Vegas
with a bucket full of his brother.
Oh, come on, gene, that was just another pointless sequel
that didn't have to be made.
This from the man who liked Benji, the hunted?
Hey, you liked carnosaur.
Well, I'll bet you'll like this.
[Glass shattering]
Hasta LA vista, porky.
Cue ball in the side pocket.
Oh, I wish I were like siskel and ebert.
Shush. You are obsessing with them.
[Thunder clapping]
[Screaming]
[Both scream]
Tonight on soft copy:
Snapple's unsuccessful competitor, crapple.
[Spitting] Ech!
But first, this bombshell.
Film critics gene siskel and Roger ebert are breaking up.
The split, if final, would end 40 years
of up-thrusting and down-dangling bodily appendages.
Let's look back at their career.
(Male narrator) It is the 1950s.
Americans are finding communists everywhere.
I'm Bobby!
I'm Annette!
I am Igor fyodorovitch kropotkin.
I mean, skippy!
♪[Music playing]
(Narrator) On Chicago's South side,
2 young boys, eugenistan siskeliskin
and rogerario ebertofsky,
open a roadside film criticism stand.
[Tires screech]
What did you think of samson and delilah, boys?
Overblown and underwritten, sir.
I liked it.
Thanks, boys. You've been of absolutely no help.
[Camera clicking]
(Narrator) Now they are the center of an empire
that includes siskel-and-ebert calendars,
siskel-and-ebert salt shakers,
and the popular arcade game,
siskel-and-ebert whack-a-mole.
[Both groaning]
And so the search begins,
as siskel and ebert look for new partners.
Jay, this is your big chance.
You're the man they're looking for.
I have never seen you do a bad show.
Well, you haven't been here long enough.
So, tell us about your film, Mr. wonka.
We have a fascinating kind of candy that turns wicked children
into giant blueberries.
Hmm! Where did it go?
[Muffled] I have no idea.
Son, you got a date with Mr. smucker.
Jay, you're a fine critic.
Why, siskel and ebert would be thrilled
to be your partner.
I don't know, everyone's trying out for those jobs.
Now, if you want to be a film critic,
you have to review films like this:
The latest from Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[Doorbell ringing on t.V.]
I am frau doubtfire.
No, you're not.
You're my husband in a dress.
I am so a woman.
Look at my fake bosoms. They are really grenades.
They'll be back.
Well, what'd you think?
All right. Our next movie features Sylvester and Frank Stallone
in yo, godot, I'm waitin' here.
Tim Allen gives that same likeable performance
we always love,
once again proving Disney pictures have the magic touch
that may not win awards, but keep America smiling.
How was that?
You're Satan, aren't you?
You win another round, siskel,
but we shall meet again.
[Growls]
(Jay) I just don't know what to do.
If I go after this job, the boss will fire me for sure.
Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee:
"Be a mensch, not a shmendrik."
If you don't try this now,
you'll regret it all your life.
You're right.
I want you to go out there and grab that brass ring.
Yes!
♪ I'll be the biggest thing the world has ever seen ♪
♪ when I team up with Roger or gene ♪
♪ Judith crist will be my queen ♪
♪ nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
♪ this critic's gonna be a superstar ♪
♪ gonna fly first class, drive a big car ♪
(Jay's stomach) ♪ gonna eat a 10-ton mallomar ♪
(both) ♪ nothing's gonna stop us now ♪
(man) Help me, please!
♪ Nothing's gonna stop me
ow!
♪ I said nothing's gonna stop me ♪
ow! Don't... yeah!
♪ Nothing's gonna stop me
[quietly] ♪ now
♪ hey, Mr. siskel, look at me ♪
♪ hey, Mr. ebert...
hey! I'm ferryin' here!
♪ Nothing's gonna
♪ stop me
♪ now
[gurgling]
The siskel and ebert split has generated 2 t.V. Movies.
Here's a scene from the fox version.
Booty, Booty, Booty!
Yeah, boy!
Meanwhile, siskel and ebert continue to search
for new partners.
[Cameras clicking]
I don't need siskel.
Why, I could take the next guy who walks by.
Ok, the next one.
Ok, anyone in this restaurant.
Yoo-hoo!
[Yawns]
Hi, guy.
[Engine thundering]
Hi, guy.
(Jay) Now, Roger, if you make me your partner,
you'll be the thin one.
Hey! Hey, look, there's Rosie Perez.
She looks different.
That's the Rosie Perez robot.
The real Rosie is at the cannes film festival.
[Robotic noises]
[Beeping]
[Loud beeping]
Hello, critic or press agent. I hope you enjoyed
it could happen to you.
Have I told you the amusing anecdote
about my co-star, Ben turpin?
Ben turpin's dead.
Error, error.
Must recharge batteries.
[Static buzzing]
[Gulping] Oh, yeah.
Great party, wouldn't you say?
Read my book,
read my book, read my book.
Hey, there's the William shatner robot.
No, that's really him.
Don't bogart that juice, Rosie.
[Gulping]
Well, well. Look who's tomcatting around,
looking for attention.
Well, maybe if I'd been getting it regular from you...
[(Gene)Wering machine beeps] Hey Jay, it's gene siskel.
I've decided I'd like you to be my partner.
Let me know if you're game,
so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
[An w(Roger)Achine beeps] Jay? Roger ebert.
How'd you like to be my new partner?
Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.
[Answeri(Rex)Chine beeps] Jay, it's Rex Reed.
I don't care if you got the job.
I've got a new partner.
[Monkey screeching]
That's right, pauline kael.
Duke, I don't think we have anything to discuss.
[Gasps]
You'll be back.
Bye!
What are you so happy about?
Article 9-c of my union contract states
that if the star leaves, I get to take over the show.
What?
Last time I negotiate a contract
at grace slick's birthday party.
[Grunts]
Ok, let's try a take.
Wait. Something's wrong.
You don't look right.
Put on this wig.
What?
Now, the glasses.
You're making me look like Roger.
Just do what I say!
Dammit, gene, I'm not Roger!
I'm never gonna be Roger.
[Crying] I wish I were!
[Sobbing]
Here's gene and me on splash Mountain.
Here we are winning the 3-legged race.
And here's the Halloween we went as Ernie and Bert.
Shouldn't we get to work?
Sure, gene, anything you say.
You called me gene.
I'm sorry, gene.
I'll never do it again...Gene.
[Groans]
My name is Jay!
And I need some air!
[Jay sobbing]
I'm not gene!
[Seesaw squeaks]
♪ The moonlight on his hair
♪ the twinkle in his eye
♪ the way he said, "thumbs up" ♪
♪ the way he said, "thumbs down" ♪
♪ the way he said, "goodbye" ♪
♪ my little Jay bird's flown ♪
♪ he seemed too young to fly
♪ for now
♪ I'll have to sit
♪ and cry
[crying]
I can't take either job.
Roger and gene have such great chemistry together.
I mean, you wouldn't destroy Michelangelo's birth of man.
Take that, birth of man.
If only we could get siskel and ebert back together.
I've got an idea.
(Jay impersonating Allen) Roger, this is Woody Allen.
Yeah, I'm ready to give you
my first exclusive interview in 20 years.
But I'll only give it
on the roof of the empire state building.
Don't ask why. I'm a genius.
[Beeping]
Yeah, gene? This is Woody...
soon-yi, daddy's on the phone.
So, uh, gene, yeah, meet me at the empire state building.
[Both laughing]
[Elevator door dings]
Woody? Woody?
Oh, it's you. Oh, it's you.
You're looking well. You're looking well.
♪[Violins playing]
[Clicks]
Oh, this is just a ripoff of sleepless in Seattle.
Which was, in itself, a ripoff of an affair to remember.
(Both) Which wasn't that good of a movie to start with.
Hey, I guess we do make a good team.
Come here, you big lug.
Jay, son, I'm so glad to have you back,
and sorry about all the cracks I made.
I know you're not gay.
Thanks, boss.
Mmm...
Well, gene, I thought some of the parodies were funny,
but a lot of the show just didn't make any sense.
[Jay mumbling]
(Jay) Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa...
[Squishing]
That's it. We're out of here.
[Crunching]
[Swallowing]
[Slurping]
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir, the show's over.
I'm stuck in the chair.
[Chattering]
Shh!