1 00:00:19,619 --> 00:00:21,953 [Alarm buzzing] 2 00:00:22,021 --> 00:00:23,421 (Woman on radio) This just in: 3 00:00:23,489 --> 00:00:25,023 New York's cockroaches 4 00:00:25,090 --> 00:00:27,659 have hired a prominent ad agency to change their image. 5 00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:30,228 They will now be called "hug-a-bugs." 6 00:00:45,144 --> 00:00:46,177 [Ice cracking] 7 00:00:46,245 --> 00:00:47,779 [All screaming] 8 00:00:47,847 --> 00:00:49,313 [All groaning] 9 00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:00,191 It stinks. 10 00:01:02,061 --> 00:01:02,994 [Remote clicks] 11 00:01:12,872 --> 00:01:14,338 Hello. I'm Jay sherman. 12 00:01:14,406 --> 00:01:16,207 On this special Oscar-week episode 13 00:01:16,275 --> 00:01:17,475 of coming attractions, 14 00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:19,978 I'll look at films Oscar passed over, 15 00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:22,413 like children of a lesser Godzilla. 16 00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,984 [Footsteps pounding] 17 00:01:26,052 --> 00:01:27,852 [Police siren wailing] 18 00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:31,222 [Godzilla roaring] 19 00:01:31,290 --> 00:01:32,691 (Child) Godzilla's not so bad. 20 00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:34,659 He just cannot hear you. 21 00:01:35,761 --> 00:01:37,428 [Godzilla growling] 22 00:01:40,265 --> 00:01:42,867 He says he wants to meet all of you for breakfast. 23 00:01:42,935 --> 00:01:44,736 (Policemen) Oh! 24 00:01:44,804 --> 00:01:46,137 [Policemen screaming] 25 00:01:47,439 --> 00:01:50,642 Or was that "eat you"? Oh, well... 26 00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:53,211 Then there's the 1970s Sci-Fi classic, 27 00:01:53,278 --> 00:01:54,946 planet of the dogs. 28 00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,682 [Dogs howling] 29 00:01:57,750 --> 00:01:59,718 So you see, we dogs evolved 30 00:01:59,785 --> 00:02:02,654 and have become superior to you humans in every way. 31 00:02:02,722 --> 00:02:04,789 Dr. zaius, quit sniffing my butt. 32 00:02:04,857 --> 00:02:07,892 So sorry. I'll just rub up against the human's leg. 33 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:08,893 Very good. 34 00:02:10,395 --> 00:02:14,432 Quit rubbing my leg, you bloody bowsers! 35 00:02:16,068 --> 00:02:17,936 Anyway, that's our show for tonight. 36 00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,804 Enjoy the oscars! 37 00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,175 [Man whispering] You have 28 minutes left. 38 00:02:24,243 --> 00:02:25,543 [Gasps] Huh? 39 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:32,416 Bad news, kemosabe. 40 00:02:32,484 --> 00:02:34,285 This year, when I send you to the oscars, 41 00:02:34,353 --> 00:02:36,021 it's not going to be first-class. 44 00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:42,927 Alice? A girl? 45 00:02:42,995 --> 00:02:45,630 I thought you'd want to bring raoul, the cabana boy. 46 00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:48,933 Ah! But that would be the act of a gay man. 47 00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:52,671 And, as you so often forget, I am not gay! 48 00:02:52,738 --> 00:02:54,605 I...Believe you. 49 00:02:58,744 --> 00:03:00,679 ♪ Y.M.C.A. 50 00:03:00,746 --> 00:03:04,115 ♪ It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. ♪ 51 00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:05,684 ♪ "a" 52 00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:08,086 [groaning] Oh, ah. Ugh! 53 00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:10,689 Guess what, baby. We're going to the oscars. 54 00:03:10,756 --> 00:03:14,893 Jay, you big slice of molasses pie. 55 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,861 When I was growing up in Knoxville, 56 00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:18,429 the oscars just seemed like 57 00:03:18,497 --> 00:03:23,301 the most sophisticated thing in the world. 58 00:03:23,368 --> 00:03:26,537 (Jack Nicholson) Before I announce the winner for best freakin' picture, 59 00:03:26,605 --> 00:03:29,908 let's have another hand for best freakin' actress: 60 00:03:29,975 --> 00:03:31,242 Faye dunaway! 61 00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:33,044 [Audience clapping] 62 00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:35,847 I'd like to sing something from Andrew Lloyd Webber. 63 00:03:35,915 --> 00:03:36,815 ♪[Screeches] 64 00:03:37,817 --> 00:03:39,784 Thank you, miss hepburn. 65 00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:42,653 (Hepburn) Well, she sucks. 66 00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:44,956 Now, where can I find a baby-sitter for penny? 67 00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:47,192 I know just the man: My father. 68 00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:52,330 [Giggling] Yay! 69 00:03:52,397 --> 00:03:54,599 I love the monster truck show. 70 00:03:54,666 --> 00:03:55,800 What show? 71 00:03:56,435 --> 00:03:57,368 [Man screams] 72 00:03:57,436 --> 00:03:58,669 [Birds chirping] 73 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,305 At last, guernica is ours. 74 00:04:03,008 --> 00:04:04,909 Take that, guernica. 75 00:04:23,295 --> 00:04:24,996 Hey, Jay, want to ride in with me? 76 00:04:25,064 --> 00:04:27,265 You don't want to ride with him. Ride with me. 77 00:04:27,332 --> 00:04:29,267 Hey, I'm sure I've got a limo waiting 78 00:04:29,334 --> 00:04:31,035 that befits my stature 79 00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:34,205 as New York's 3rd most popular, early morning, 80 00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:37,075 cable t.V. Film critic! 81 00:04:38,477 --> 00:04:40,544 Where the hell have you been? 82 00:04:41,446 --> 00:04:43,248 [Motorcycle squeaking] 83 00:04:47,953 --> 00:04:50,221 We're going to Mexico! 84 00:04:50,289 --> 00:04:51,422 [Jay moaning] 85 00:04:53,392 --> 00:04:55,426 [Police siren wailing] 86 00:04:57,897 --> 00:04:58,897 Huh? 87 00:04:59,698 --> 00:05:02,300 [Crowd cheering] 88 00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:05,503 And outside the 67th annual academy awards, 89 00:05:05,570 --> 00:05:07,772 the stars keep coming. 90 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,473 (Announcer) Here's Jeremy hawke, 91 00:05:09,541 --> 00:05:12,677 star of the illogical, blasphemous and ultra-violent 92 00:05:12,744 --> 00:05:14,712 crocodile Gandhi movies. 93 00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,314 Thank you. Thank you. 94 00:05:16,381 --> 00:05:18,883 [All cheering] 95 00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:21,619 And let's hear it for Roger ebert! 96 00:05:21,687 --> 00:05:23,554 [Crowd cheering] 97 00:05:23,622 --> 00:05:25,456 Jay sherman! 98 00:05:25,524 --> 00:05:27,192 [Crickets chirping] 99 00:05:30,729 --> 00:05:31,863 Idiots. 100 00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:33,564 And now, here's Oscar Wilson, 101 00:05:33,632 --> 00:05:35,967 the man who modeled for the Oscar statue. 102 00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:37,368 [Crowd exclaiming] 103 00:05:37,436 --> 00:05:40,104 And this is my lovely wife, Mary golden globes. 104 00:05:40,172 --> 00:05:41,940 And our daughter, emmy... Hi. 105 00:05:42,007 --> 00:05:44,075 And our son, b'Nai b'rith award. 106 00:05:44,143 --> 00:05:45,509 How ya' doin'? 107 00:05:45,577 --> 00:05:47,545 [Audience applauding] 108 00:05:47,612 --> 00:05:49,848 ♪[Orchestra playing] 109 00:05:49,915 --> 00:05:52,150 The nominees for best special effects are: 110 00:05:52,218 --> 00:05:53,251 Love affair, 111 00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,954 for making Warren beatty look like a young man. 112 00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:57,722 [Audience clapping]] 113 00:05:58,490 --> 00:06:00,391 Uh, that's me up there. 114 00:06:00,459 --> 00:06:01,592 [Dentures crashing] 115 00:06:03,162 --> 00:06:05,330 2 minutes to your presentation. 116 00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:12,904 [Gasps] It's chocolate. 117 00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:15,006 Now I want one more than ever! 118 00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:17,441 (Male announcer) To present the award for best documentary, 119 00:06:17,509 --> 00:06:19,377 film critic Jay sherman! 120 00:06:19,444 --> 00:06:21,045 [Crowd applauding] 121 00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:27,551 [Belching loudly] 122 00:06:29,621 --> 00:06:32,857 Critics, you're on next. Come on, people. 123 00:06:32,925 --> 00:06:34,525 ♪[Piano playing] 124 00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:44,435 (Male announcer) And now, to make sure we don't finish by midnight, 125 00:06:44,503 --> 00:06:48,239 a musical tribute to the film critic! 126 00:06:48,307 --> 00:06:51,675 ♪ We watched every movie last year ♪ 127 00:06:51,743 --> 00:06:55,046 ♪ we rated every kiss and every tear ♪ 128 00:06:55,114 --> 00:06:56,981 ♪ we saw tom cruise sucking blood ♪ 129 00:06:57,049 --> 00:06:58,616 ♪ Meg Ryan hit the booze 130 00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:02,086 ♪ we saw 15 with Hugh grant and 7 by John Hughes ♪ 131 00:07:02,154 --> 00:07:03,754 thumbs up. 132 00:07:03,822 --> 00:07:05,756 Thumbs down. 133 00:07:05,824 --> 00:07:07,191 The cowboy waya wow? 134 00:07:07,259 --> 00:07:10,528 No way. A bow-wow dog from holly-woof. 135 00:07:10,595 --> 00:07:13,898 Ed wood? Who wouldn't? I give it 83 stars. 136 00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:15,599 Oh-ho, whoa... whoa, whoo-hoo! 137 00:07:18,737 --> 00:07:21,172 ♪ The critic is a mystery 138 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,041 ♪ no one knows what he thinks ♪ 139 00:07:23,108 --> 00:07:26,344 ♪ except for Jay sherman 140 00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:31,249 ♪ who always says... 141 00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:32,917 [Rattling on door] 142 00:07:38,457 --> 00:07:41,792 Our next presenter won an Oscar 143 00:07:41,860 --> 00:07:43,727 [banging on door] In to kill a mockingbird. 144 00:07:43,795 --> 00:07:46,597 An unforgettable film about growing up 145 00:07:46,665 --> 00:07:48,866 in a climate of racial hatred. 146 00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:50,134 It stinks! 147 00:07:50,202 --> 00:07:51,269 [All gasping] 148 00:07:51,337 --> 00:07:52,536 [Laughs] 149 00:07:52,604 --> 00:07:53,938 How awkward. 150 00:07:59,644 --> 00:08:01,045 [Slurping] 151 00:08:01,113 --> 00:08:03,948 Our movie in first-class today is the sequel to rain man, 152 00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:06,351 entitled snowman. 153 00:08:06,418 --> 00:08:07,818 Now, I want to warn you. 154 00:08:07,886 --> 00:08:11,589 Your brother is a little, uh, special. 155 00:08:11,656 --> 00:08:13,591 5 minutes to northern exposure. 156 00:08:13,658 --> 00:08:15,893 Got to see moose. Got to see moose. 157 00:08:18,597 --> 00:08:19,763 [Crying] 158 00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:22,600 I wish I was in first-class 159 00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:24,268 with siskel and ebert. 160 00:08:24,336 --> 00:08:25,769 Chicken or fish? 161 00:08:25,837 --> 00:08:26,837 Fish, please. 162 00:08:26,905 --> 00:08:29,607 No, I mean, which is it, chicken or fish? 163 00:08:32,878 --> 00:08:34,312 (Tom cruise) Here it is, Raymond. 164 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:37,448 Las Vegas. Hottest city in America. 165 00:08:37,516 --> 00:08:40,318 Definitely melted. Very bad. Very bad. 166 00:08:42,287 --> 00:08:44,755 Well, I thought that film was very poignant. 167 00:08:44,823 --> 00:08:46,124 Particularly the scene 168 00:08:46,191 --> 00:08:48,059 where tom cruise walks around Las Vegas 169 00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:49,994 with a bucket full of his brother. 170 00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:51,896 Oh, come on, gene, that was just another pointless sequel 171 00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:53,331 that didn't have to be made. 172 00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:55,500 This from the man who liked Benji, the hunted? 173 00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:56,901 Hey, you liked carnosaur. 174 00:08:56,968 --> 00:08:58,569 Well, I'll bet you'll like this. 175 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:02,740 [Glass shattering] 176 00:09:02,807 --> 00:09:04,942 Hasta LA vista, porky. 177 00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,944 Cue ball in the side pocket. 178 00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:18,256 Oh, I wish I were like siskel and ebert. 179 00:09:18,323 --> 00:09:20,691 Shush. You are obsessing with them. 180 00:09:22,794 --> 00:09:24,929 [Thunder clapping] 181 00:09:24,996 --> 00:09:26,330 [Screaming] 182 00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:29,967 [Both scream] 183 00:09:36,241 --> 00:09:37,675 Tonight on soft copy: 184 00:09:37,742 --> 00:09:41,079 Snapple's unsuccessful competitor, crapple. 185 00:09:42,314 --> 00:09:44,549 [Spitting] Ech! 186 00:09:44,616 --> 00:09:46,684 But first, this bombshell. 187 00:09:46,751 --> 00:09:50,254 Film critics gene siskel and Roger ebert are breaking up. 188 00:09:50,322 --> 00:09:53,124 The split, if final, would end 40 years 189 00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:56,227 of up-thrusting and down-dangling bodily appendages. 190 00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:58,796 Let's look back at their career. 191 00:09:58,863 --> 00:10:00,364 (Male narrator) It is the 1950s. 192 00:10:00,432 --> 00:10:03,867 Americans are finding communists everywhere. 193 00:10:03,935 --> 00:10:05,203 I'm Bobby! 194 00:10:05,270 --> 00:10:06,637 I'm Annette! 195 00:10:06,705 --> 00:10:09,240 I am Igor fyodorovitch kropotkin. 196 00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:10,575 I mean, skippy! 197 00:10:10,642 --> 00:10:11,942 ♪[Music playing] 198 00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:13,711 (Narrator) On Chicago's South side, 199 00:10:13,778 --> 00:10:16,614 2 young boys, eugenistan siskeliskin 200 00:10:16,681 --> 00:10:18,549 and rogerario ebertofsky, 201 00:10:18,617 --> 00:10:21,452 open a roadside film criticism stand. 202 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:22,786 [Tires screech] 203 00:10:22,854 --> 00:10:24,788 What did you think of samson and delilah, boys? 204 00:10:24,856 --> 00:10:26,724 Overblown and underwritten, sir. 205 00:10:26,791 --> 00:10:28,126 I liked it. 206 00:10:28,193 --> 00:10:30,761 Thanks, boys. You've been of absolutely no help. 207 00:10:31,830 --> 00:10:33,030 [Camera clicking] 208 00:10:33,098 --> 00:10:35,065 (Narrator) Now they are the center of an empire 209 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,368 that includes siskel-and-ebert calendars, 210 00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:39,303 siskel-and-ebert salt shakers, 211 00:10:39,371 --> 00:10:41,372 and the popular arcade game, 212 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,073 siskel-and-ebert whack-a-mole. 213 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,642 [Both groaning] 214 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,813 And so the search begins, 215 00:10:49,881 --> 00:10:52,216 as siskel and ebert look for new partners. 216 00:10:52,284 --> 00:10:53,551 Jay, this is your big chance. 217 00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:55,085 You're the man they're looking for. 218 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,087 I have never seen you do a bad show. 219 00:10:57,156 --> 00:10:59,524 Well, you haven't been here long enough. 220 00:11:01,026 --> 00:11:03,060 So, tell us about your film, Mr. wonka. 221 00:11:03,128 --> 00:11:06,597 We have a fascinating kind of candy that turns wicked children 222 00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:08,299 into giant blueberries. 223 00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:09,634 Hmm! Where did it go? 224 00:11:09,701 --> 00:11:12,170 [Muffled] I have no idea. 225 00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:18,042 Son, you got a date with Mr. smucker. 226 00:11:19,578 --> 00:11:21,412 Jay, you're a fine critic. 227 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,314 Why, siskel and ebert would be thrilled 228 00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:24,782 to be your partner. 229 00:11:24,849 --> 00:11:28,018 I don't know, everyone's trying out for those jobs. 230 00:11:28,086 --> 00:11:29,820 Now, if you want to be a film critic, 231 00:11:29,888 --> 00:11:31,755 you have to review films like this: 232 00:11:31,823 --> 00:11:33,791 The latest from Arnold Schwarzenegger. 233 00:11:33,858 --> 00:11:35,626 [Doorbell ringing on t.V.] 234 00:11:35,694 --> 00:11:37,228 I am frau doubtfire. 235 00:11:37,296 --> 00:11:38,329 No, you're not. 236 00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:40,097 You're my husband in a dress. 237 00:11:40,165 --> 00:11:41,666 I am so a woman. 238 00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:44,001 Look at my fake bosoms. They are really grenades. 239 00:11:45,437 --> 00:11:47,137 They'll be back. 240 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:48,339 Well, what'd you think? 241 00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:54,978 All right. Our next movie features Sylvester and Frank Stallone 242 00:11:55,046 --> 00:11:57,615 in yo, godot, I'm waitin' here. 243 00:12:00,118 --> 00:12:02,920 Tim Allen gives that same likeable performance 244 00:12:02,987 --> 00:12:04,822 we always love, 245 00:12:04,889 --> 00:12:07,325 once again proving Disney pictures have the magic touch 246 00:12:07,392 --> 00:12:10,361 that may not win awards, but keep America smiling. 247 00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:11,895 How was that? 248 00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:13,331 You're Satan, aren't you? 249 00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:16,767 You win another round, siskel, 250 00:12:16,835 --> 00:12:18,536 but we shall meet again. 251 00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:19,770 [Growls] 252 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,108 (Jay) I just don't know what to do. 253 00:12:24,175 --> 00:12:27,144 If I go after this job, the boss will fire me for sure. 254 00:12:27,212 --> 00:12:29,714 Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: 255 00:12:29,781 --> 00:12:32,250 "Be a mensch, not a shmendrik." 256 00:12:32,317 --> 00:12:33,584 If you don't try this now, 257 00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:35,753 you'll regret it all your life. 258 00:12:35,820 --> 00:12:37,421 You're right. 259 00:12:37,489 --> 00:12:39,757 I want you to go out there and grab that brass ring. 260 00:12:39,824 --> 00:12:40,725 Yes! 261 00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:47,097 ♪ I'll be the biggest thing the world has ever seen ♪ 262 00:12:47,165 --> 00:12:51,802 ♪ when I team up with Roger or gene ♪ 263 00:12:51,870 --> 00:12:56,407 ♪ Judith crist will be my queen ♪ 264 00:12:56,475 --> 00:13:01,345 ♪ nothing's gonna stop me now ♪ 265 00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:12,757 ♪ this critic's gonna be a superstar ♪ 266 00:13:12,824 --> 00:13:16,727 ♪ gonna fly first class, drive a big car ♪ 267 00:13:16,795 --> 00:13:20,230 (Jay's stomach) ♪ gonna eat a 10-ton mallomar ♪ 268 00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,801 (both) ♪ nothing's gonna stop us now ♪ 269 00:13:23,868 --> 00:13:25,569 (man) Help me, please! 270 00:13:25,637 --> 00:13:27,438 ♪ Nothing's gonna stop me 271 00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:28,773 ow! 272 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,941 ♪ I said nothing's gonna stop me ♪ 273 00:13:31,009 --> 00:13:32,610 ow! Don't... yeah! 274 00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:36,681 ♪ Nothing's gonna stop me 275 00:13:36,748 --> 00:13:37,881 [quietly] ♪ now 276 00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:43,921 ♪ hey, Mr. siskel, look at me ♪ 277 00:13:43,988 --> 00:13:46,890 ♪ hey, Mr. ebert... 278 00:13:46,958 --> 00:13:49,460 hey! I'm ferryin' here! 279 00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:52,296 ♪ Nothing's gonna 280 00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:55,265 ♪ stop me 281 00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:58,669 ♪ now 282 00:13:59,504 --> 00:14:00,805 [gurgling] 283 00:14:06,611 --> 00:14:10,047 The siskel and ebert split has generated 2 t.V. Movies. 284 00:14:10,114 --> 00:14:12,516 Here's a scene from the fox version. 285 00:14:13,418 --> 00:14:15,519 Booty, Booty, Booty! 286 00:14:15,587 --> 00:14:18,789 Yeah, boy! 287 00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:21,058 Meanwhile, siskel and ebert continue to search 288 00:14:21,125 --> 00:14:22,493 for new partners. 289 00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:23,728 [Cameras clicking] 290 00:14:23,795 --> 00:14:25,062 I don't need siskel. 291 00:14:25,129 --> 00:14:27,431 Why, I could take the next guy who walks by. 292 00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:30,267 Ok, the next one. 293 00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:33,337 Ok, anyone in this restaurant. 294 00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:35,639 Yoo-hoo! 295 00:14:36,908 --> 00:14:38,075 [Yawns] 296 00:14:39,010 --> 00:14:41,044 Hi, guy. 297 00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:45,215 [Engine thundering] 298 00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,785 Hi, guy. 299 00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:55,292 Hi, guy. 300 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,361 (Jay) Now, Roger, if you make me your partner, 301 00:14:57,429 --> 00:14:58,796 you'll be the thin one. 302 00:14:58,864 --> 00:15:01,064 Hey! Hey, look, there's Rosie Perez. 303 00:15:01,132 --> 00:15:02,266 She looks different. 304 00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:03,801 That's the Rosie Perez robot. 305 00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:06,069 The real Rosie is at the cannes film festival. 306 00:15:06,137 --> 00:15:07,872 [Robotic noises] 307 00:15:09,741 --> 00:15:10,941 [Beeping] 308 00:15:13,044 --> 00:15:14,478 [Loud beeping] 309 00:15:16,915 --> 00:15:19,884 Hello, critic or press agent. I hope you enjoyed 310 00:15:19,951 --> 00:15:21,419 it could happen to you. 311 00:15:21,486 --> 00:15:23,287 Have I told you the amusing anecdote 312 00:15:23,354 --> 00:15:25,756 about my co-star, Ben turpin? 313 00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:27,224 Ben turpin's dead. 314 00:15:27,292 --> 00:15:28,559 Error, error. 315 00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:30,528 Must recharge batteries. 316 00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:33,030 [Static buzzing] 317 00:15:33,097 --> 00:15:35,098 [Gulping] Oh, yeah. 318 00:15:35,166 --> 00:15:36,767 Great party, wouldn't you say? 319 00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:38,335 Read my book, 320 00:15:38,403 --> 00:15:41,772 read my book, read my book. 321 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,874 Hey, there's the William shatner robot. 322 00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:45,409 No, that's really him. 323 00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:49,079 Don't bogart that juice, Rosie. 324 00:15:49,147 --> 00:15:50,080 [Gulping] 325 00:15:54,218 --> 00:15:56,554 Well, well. Look who's tomcatting around, 326 00:15:56,621 --> 00:15:58,422 looking for attention. 327 00:16:00,291 --> 00:16:03,561 Well, maybe if I'd been getting it regular from you... 328 00:16:03,628 --> 00:16:05,963 [(Gene)Wering machine beeps] Hey Jay, it's gene siskel. 329 00:16:06,030 --> 00:16:08,466 I've decided I'd like you to be my partner. 330 00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:09,667 Let me know if you're game, 331 00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:11,602 so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost. 332 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,671 [An w(Roger)Achine beeps] Jay? Roger ebert. 333 00:16:13,738 --> 00:16:15,439 How'd you like to be my new partner? 334 00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:17,975 Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair. 335 00:16:18,042 --> 00:16:20,177 [Answeri(Rex)Chine beeps] Jay, it's Rex Reed. 336 00:16:20,244 --> 00:16:21,679 I don't care if you got the job. 337 00:16:21,746 --> 00:16:23,914 I've got a new partner. 338 00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:26,249 [Monkey screeching] 339 00:16:26,317 --> 00:16:28,686 That's right, pauline kael. 340 00:16:28,753 --> 00:16:31,689 Duke, I don't think we have anything to discuss. 341 00:16:31,756 --> 00:16:32,723 [Gasps] 342 00:16:34,192 --> 00:16:35,459 You'll be back. 343 00:16:35,526 --> 00:16:36,594 Bye! 344 00:16:36,661 --> 00:16:38,028 What are you so happy about? 345 00:16:38,096 --> 00:16:40,898 Article 9-c of my union contract states 346 00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:44,001 that if the star leaves, I get to take over the show. 347 00:16:44,068 --> 00:16:45,102 What? 348 00:16:46,204 --> 00:16:48,138 Last time I negotiate a contract 349 00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:50,541 at grace slick's birthday party. 350 00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:51,775 [Grunts] 351 00:16:55,380 --> 00:16:57,114 Ok, let's try a take. 352 00:16:59,083 --> 00:17:01,485 Wait. Something's wrong. 353 00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:03,020 You don't look right. 354 00:17:03,087 --> 00:17:04,254 Put on this wig. 355 00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:05,890 What? 356 00:17:05,957 --> 00:17:07,691 Now, the glasses. 357 00:17:07,759 --> 00:17:09,192 You're making me look like Roger. 358 00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:10,360 Just do what I say! 359 00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:13,196 Dammit, gene, I'm not Roger! 360 00:17:13,264 --> 00:17:16,033 I'm never gonna be Roger. 361 00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,635 [Crying] I wish I were! 362 00:17:17,702 --> 00:17:18,936 [Sobbing] 363 00:17:22,507 --> 00:17:24,542 Here's gene and me on splash Mountain. 364 00:17:24,609 --> 00:17:26,510 Here we are winning the 3-legged race. 365 00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:28,946 And here's the Halloween we went as Ernie and Bert. 366 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:30,180 Shouldn't we get to work? 367 00:17:30,248 --> 00:17:32,382 Sure, gene, anything you say. 368 00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:33,617 You called me gene. 369 00:17:33,685 --> 00:17:35,118 I'm sorry, gene. 370 00:17:35,186 --> 00:17:37,320 I'll never do it again...Gene. 371 00:17:37,388 --> 00:17:38,522 [Groans] 372 00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:40,457 My name is Jay! 373 00:17:40,525 --> 00:17:42,660 And I need some air! 374 00:17:43,294 --> 00:17:44,828 [Jay sobbing] 375 00:17:44,896 --> 00:17:47,164 I'm not gene! 376 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,441 [Seesaw squeaks] 377 00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:12,189 ♪ The moonlight on his hair 378 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,395 ♪ the twinkle in his eye 379 00:18:21,265 --> 00:18:25,102 ♪ the way he said, "thumbs up" ♪ 380 00:18:25,169 --> 00:18:27,972 ♪ the way he said, "thumbs down" ♪ 381 00:18:28,039 --> 00:18:31,241 ♪ the way he said, "goodbye" ♪ 382 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,248 ♪ my little Jay bird's flown ♪ 383 00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:44,454 ♪ he seemed too young to fly 384 00:18:48,559 --> 00:18:51,161 ♪ for now 385 00:18:51,229 --> 00:18:53,597 ♪ I'll have to sit 386 00:18:54,465 --> 00:18:57,735 ♪ and cry 387 00:18:57,802 --> 00:18:59,103 [crying] 388 00:19:03,474 --> 00:19:04,842 I can't take either job. 389 00:19:04,909 --> 00:19:07,410 Roger and gene have such great chemistry together. 390 00:19:07,478 --> 00:19:10,614 I mean, you wouldn't destroy Michelangelo's birth of man. 391 00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:19,790 Take that, birth of man. 392 00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:23,060 If only we could get siskel and ebert back together. 393 00:19:24,162 --> 00:19:26,096 I've got an idea. 394 00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:28,431 (Jay impersonating Allen) Roger, this is Woody Allen. 395 00:19:28,499 --> 00:19:29,900 Yeah, I'm ready to give you 396 00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,335 my first exclusive interview in 20 years. 397 00:19:32,403 --> 00:19:33,537 But I'll only give it 398 00:19:33,604 --> 00:19:36,173 on the roof of the empire state building. 399 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,175 Don't ask why. I'm a genius. 400 00:19:38,242 --> 00:19:39,376 [Beeping] 401 00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:40,878 Yeah, gene? This is Woody... 402 00:19:40,945 --> 00:19:43,213 soon-yi, daddy's on the phone. 403 00:19:43,281 --> 00:19:46,717 So, uh, gene, yeah, meet me at the empire state building. 404 00:19:46,785 --> 00:19:48,052 [Both laughing] 405 00:19:52,623 --> 00:19:54,224 [Elevator door dings] 406 00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:55,358 Woody? Woody? 407 00:19:55,426 --> 00:19:56,927 Oh, it's you. Oh, it's you. 408 00:19:56,995 --> 00:19:59,029 You're looking well. You're looking well. 409 00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:00,764 ♪[Violins playing] 410 00:20:10,141 --> 00:20:11,075 [Clicks] 411 00:20:14,045 --> 00:20:16,814 Oh, this is just a ripoff of sleepless in Seattle. 412 00:20:16,881 --> 00:20:19,616 Which was, in itself, a ripoff of an affair to remember. 413 00:20:19,684 --> 00:20:23,486 (Both) Which wasn't that good of a movie to start with. 414 00:20:23,554 --> 00:20:25,923 Hey, I guess we do make a good team. 415 00:20:25,990 --> 00:20:27,825 Come here, you big lug. 416 00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:43,006 Jay, son, I'm so glad to have you back, 417 00:20:43,074 --> 00:20:44,975 and sorry about all the cracks I made. 418 00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:46,810 I know you're not gay. 419 00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:48,746 Thanks, boss. 420 00:20:48,813 --> 00:20:49,913 Mmm... 421 00:20:55,987 --> 00:20:58,188 Well, gene, I thought some of the parodies were funny, 422 00:20:58,256 --> 00:21:00,624 but a lot of the show just didn't make any sense. 423 00:21:00,691 --> 00:21:01,759 [Jay mumbling] 424 00:21:01,826 --> 00:21:04,294 (Jay) Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa... 425 00:21:04,362 --> 00:21:05,829 [Squishing] 426 00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:07,631 That's it. We're out of here. 427 00:21:16,808 --> 00:21:18,108 [Crunching] 428 00:21:19,244 --> 00:21:20,377 [Swallowing] 429 00:21:21,345 --> 00:21:22,612 [Slurping] 430 00:21:51,642 --> 00:21:53,277 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 431 00:21:53,344 --> 00:21:56,713 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 432 00:22:01,619 --> 00:22:03,753 Uh, excuse me, sir, the show's over. 433 00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:05,622 I'm stuck in the chair. 434 00:22:07,325 --> 00:22:08,458 [Chattering] 435 00:22:08,526 --> 00:22:09,526 Shh!