1 00:00:19,919 --> 00:00:21,586 [Alarm buzzing] 2 00:00:21,654 --> 00:00:22,987 (Man on radio) This just in: 3 00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:24,589 The state of California 4 00:00:24,657 --> 00:00:26,624 has just officially changed its name to: 5 00:00:26,692 --> 00:00:28,660 "State of emergency." 6 00:00:44,410 --> 00:00:45,610 [Ice cracking] 7 00:00:45,678 --> 00:00:46,945 [All screaming] 8 00:00:47,012 --> 00:00:48,313 [All groaning] 9 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,285 ♪[Playing] 10 00:00:53,352 --> 00:00:54,652 [Waves breaking] 11 00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:59,257 It stinks. 12 00:01:00,693 --> 00:01:01,526 [Remote clicks] 13 00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:13,105 That's our show for tonight. 14 00:01:13,172 --> 00:01:14,406 Next week we'll be reviewing 15 00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:16,841 tom cruise's sequel to interview with a vampire, 16 00:01:16,909 --> 00:01:19,478 entitled: A few good monsters. 17 00:01:19,545 --> 00:01:22,180 ♪[Old time rock 'n' roll by Bob seeger playing] 18 00:01:25,017 --> 00:01:26,851 [Phone ringing] 19 00:01:28,221 --> 00:01:30,222 Son, I hear music. 20 00:01:30,289 --> 00:01:33,525 I don't remember giving permission for a party. 21 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,927 Well, uh, dad, uh... 22 00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:37,895 [howling] 23 00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:47,705 And I hope you're looking after your brother Raymond. 24 00:01:47,773 --> 00:01:50,408 5 minutes till munsters. 5 minutes till munsters. 25 00:01:50,476 --> 00:01:52,677 Gotta see Herman. Gotta see Herman. 26 00:01:52,745 --> 00:01:53,845 Gotta see Herman. 27 00:01:53,912 --> 00:01:55,313 Hey, Marty, what brings you here? 28 00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:56,748 I'm running for class president, 29 00:01:56,815 --> 00:01:59,484 and dad's going to help me write my speech. 30 00:01:59,552 --> 00:02:00,752 The castle's a mess, 31 00:02:00,819 --> 00:02:02,521 the wolfman messed up the carpet, 32 00:02:02,588 --> 00:02:05,190 and I think your brother Raymond is drunk. 33 00:02:05,258 --> 00:02:06,391 I'm an excellent flyer. 34 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:07,359 [Thudding] 35 00:02:07,426 --> 00:02:08,493 Should've taken qantas. 36 00:02:08,561 --> 00:02:09,427 [Crashes] 37 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:14,399 (Jay) Now, Marty, when you run for president, 38 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,867 you've got to sell yourself. 39 00:02:15,934 --> 00:02:18,036 What makes you stand out from the other kids? 40 00:02:18,103 --> 00:02:20,605 Uh, I... I ate my dissected frog. 41 00:02:20,673 --> 00:02:21,773 That's my boy. 44 00:02:26,512 --> 00:02:28,213 I don't know what to tell you, dad. 45 00:02:28,281 --> 00:02:29,747 I'm just an average kid. 46 00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:32,584 That's your angle. You're the average kid. The kid of the people. 47 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,653 Why, they'll lap it up like cheap booze 48 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,754 at drew Barrymore's sweet 16 party. 49 00:02:37,823 --> 00:02:38,856 [Bell dings] 50 00:02:38,924 --> 00:02:41,226 Dad, don't you need some paper? 51 00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:42,860 It'll just slow me down. 52 00:02:47,866 --> 00:02:49,834 Now, Doris, we're going to junior high today 53 00:02:49,902 --> 00:02:51,636 to see Marty run for class president. 54 00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:54,206 I want you to make me look extra dignified. 55 00:02:54,273 --> 00:02:55,707 Let the makeup begin! 56 00:03:00,546 --> 00:03:03,014 [Kids mooing and bleating] 57 00:03:03,082 --> 00:03:04,449 [Clucking] 58 00:03:05,718 --> 00:03:06,984 Principal mangosuthu, 59 00:03:07,052 --> 00:03:09,020 do you know what those kids are doing? 60 00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:10,788 I have no idea. 61 00:03:10,856 --> 00:03:12,691 [Crowing] 62 00:03:12,758 --> 00:03:15,393 [Laughing] 63 00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:19,097 Welcome to the united nations school 8th grade election. 64 00:03:19,164 --> 00:03:21,566 Our candidates are Martin sherman, 65 00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:23,134 zoltan vellimirovich... 66 00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:24,168 Hello. 67 00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:25,770 (Principal) And Michael dukakis. 68 00:03:25,838 --> 00:03:28,540 I thought I would start small, uh, 69 00:03:28,608 --> 00:03:30,675 with an election, uh, I could win. 70 00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:32,310 [Kids booing] 71 00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:33,678 (Girl #1) You suck. 72 00:03:33,746 --> 00:03:34,646 Ow. 73 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,148 Our first candidate is Martin sherman. 74 00:03:38,951 --> 00:03:41,052 Hi. I'm Marty sherman. 75 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,389 I'm not royalty like my friend faisal. 76 00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:47,759 And I can't offer you a vacation in the South pacific 77 00:03:47,826 --> 00:03:49,461 like my easter island friend. 78 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,663 [Shatters] 79 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,064 I can't do those things 80 00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:55,567 because I'm just a regular kid. 81 00:03:55,635 --> 00:03:57,702 I'm the regular kid candidate. 82 00:03:57,770 --> 00:03:58,703 (Both) Hmm. 83 00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:00,372 If I'm elected, I'll work hard 84 00:04:00,439 --> 00:04:02,307 and build the best homecoming float ever. 85 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,709 Vote for me, the regular kid. 86 00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:05,810 [All cheering] 87 00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:07,845 El nino normale! 88 00:04:07,913 --> 00:04:09,414 [Trilling tongues] 89 00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:11,149 Tubo ka [Clicks tongue] cha! 90 00:04:11,216 --> 00:04:12,284 [Cheering] 91 00:04:12,351 --> 00:04:13,451 [Clicking tongues] 92 00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:14,786 Pug nar. 93 00:04:14,853 --> 00:04:16,321 (Both) Krish krosh. 94 00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:19,891 [All chanting] Marty! Marty! Marty! 95 00:04:19,958 --> 00:04:21,159 [Video camera beeping] 96 00:04:21,226 --> 00:04:22,694 (Jay) Come on, come on. 97 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,764 [Beeping] 98 00:04:25,831 --> 00:04:26,798 Hey! 99 00:04:26,865 --> 00:04:27,865 [Kids chanting] Marty! Marty! 100 00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:30,134 Marty won by a landslide. 101 00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:32,103 You wrote a great speech. 102 00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:33,338 Mighty impressive. 103 00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,573 You know, all this talk of running for office 104 00:04:35,641 --> 00:04:37,609 has set me to thinking. 105 00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:40,011 That's it! I'll run for president, 106 00:04:40,078 --> 00:04:41,446 drop a whole mess of bombs 107 00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:44,048 and put merle haggard on the supreme court. 108 00:04:44,116 --> 00:04:46,718 [Both chuckling evilly] 109 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,052 I've made up my mind. 110 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,921 I'm going to run for president. 111 00:04:49,988 --> 00:04:52,290 But you're not a politician. You're a businessman. 112 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:53,425 All the better. 113 00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:55,927 I made a multinational media conglomerate 114 00:04:55,994 --> 00:04:58,496 out of a humble fried chicken franchise. 115 00:04:58,564 --> 00:05:01,499 I'd like a number 7. Extra crispy. 116 00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:03,368 Cornbread or hot buttered biscuit? 117 00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,469 [Chuckling] 118 00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:06,904 Uh, biscuit. 119 00:05:06,972 --> 00:05:09,173 You carry buttered biscuits in your pants? 120 00:05:09,241 --> 00:05:10,942 Yes. 121 00:05:11,009 --> 00:05:14,111 Oh! You're talking to him? Ha! 122 00:05:15,914 --> 00:05:17,816 Now, Jay, when I run for president, 123 00:05:17,883 --> 00:05:19,951 you are going to be my speechwriter. 124 00:05:20,018 --> 00:05:21,753 Me? I'm not a speechwriter. 125 00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:23,488 You did darn good with your boy. 126 00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:25,490 You know, you think like the average Joe. 127 00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:27,726 The little guy making $300,000 a year. 128 00:05:27,793 --> 00:05:30,729 The average Joe doesn't make $300,000... 129 00:05:30,796 --> 00:05:33,264 can I have an advance on my $300,000? 130 00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:34,566 No problem. 131 00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:37,802 So long, suckers. 132 00:05:44,943 --> 00:05:47,645 I'm sorry. This is a no smoking island. 133 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,047 Oy, gevalt! 134 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,150 Give me one good reason 135 00:05:53,218 --> 00:05:54,986 why I should be your speechwriter. 136 00:05:55,053 --> 00:05:57,789 Hey, look, when I'm elected, you can have any office you want, 137 00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:59,257 except in the army. 138 00:05:59,324 --> 00:06:01,359 They're still shy about the gay thing. 139 00:06:04,730 --> 00:06:07,098 I'm not gay. 140 00:06:07,165 --> 00:06:08,099 Hmm. 141 00:06:12,571 --> 00:06:14,439 I'm tempted, but I... I don't know. 142 00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:16,007 Can Duke really be president? 143 00:06:16,074 --> 00:06:18,142 Can he be trusted with nuclear weapons? 144 00:06:18,210 --> 00:06:20,011 We trust him with the ones he has now. 145 00:06:20,078 --> 00:06:21,780 Besides, it's not that hard a job. 146 00:06:21,847 --> 00:06:23,715 I played a president in a movie once. 147 00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:31,489 Who are you? 148 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:34,091 My name is Monroe. James Monroe. 149 00:06:34,159 --> 00:06:36,394 And here's a taste of the Monroe doctrine. 150 00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:38,262 [Grunting] 151 00:06:38,330 --> 00:06:40,598 Welcome to the era of good feelings. 152 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:42,400 Oh, James. 153 00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:43,468 Mmm. 154 00:06:46,204 --> 00:06:49,641 [All chanting] Marty! Marty! Marty! 155 00:06:49,708 --> 00:06:51,676 Thank you, thank you. 156 00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:54,546 I just want to say that under my administration 157 00:06:54,613 --> 00:06:57,081 it is not going to be all fun and games. 158 00:06:57,149 --> 00:06:58,817 We're going to work, too. 159 00:06:58,884 --> 00:06:59,984 Work? 160 00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:01,719 Let's get our heinies out of here. 161 00:07:03,121 --> 00:07:04,756 [Zapping] 162 00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:06,724 But we're supposed to make flowers 163 00:07:06,792 --> 00:07:08,560 for the homecoming float. 164 00:07:08,627 --> 00:07:10,294 We'll help you, son. 165 00:07:10,362 --> 00:07:12,697 I just don't know what to do about Duke's campaign. 166 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:16,167 It's a great opportunity, but I'm afraid he may stand for the wrong things. 167 00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:18,202 Well then, you tell him what to stand for. 168 00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:19,571 You're a good man. 169 00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:23,341 What did I tell you to say? 170 00:07:23,408 --> 00:07:25,376 (Both) Thank you for the pizza, Mr. sherman. 171 00:07:27,312 --> 00:07:30,682 Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. 172 00:07:30,749 --> 00:07:32,584 There was this one boy back in college... 173 00:07:32,651 --> 00:07:34,285 dealt drugs, went to jail... 174 00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:37,288 yet today he's the star of home improvement. 175 00:07:37,356 --> 00:07:38,957 And I think with you behind him, 176 00:07:39,024 --> 00:07:40,892 Duke could accomplish great things, too. 177 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,126 Well, thanks, 178 00:07:42,194 --> 00:07:44,061 but maybe I should think about this some more. 179 00:07:44,129 --> 00:07:46,664 Don't listen to this. Listen to this. 180 00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:48,700 You want me to listen to my stomach? 181 00:07:48,767 --> 00:07:50,668 No, silly. Your heart. 182 00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:52,436 (Jay's stomach) No one ever listens to me. 183 00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:54,071 [Jay's stomach crying] 184 00:07:54,139 --> 00:07:58,810 ♪[Hail to the chief playing] 185 00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:04,782 Jay, if I can't make up your mind, 186 00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:06,818 maybe these gentlemen can. 187 00:08:08,086 --> 00:08:10,955 Ask not what your country can do for you, 188 00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:13,658 but what you can do for Duke Phillips. 189 00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:15,527 You made him say that. 190 00:08:15,594 --> 00:08:16,728 You can fool 191 00:08:16,795 --> 00:08:18,563 some of the people some of the time, 192 00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:22,133 but you'll never fool good old Duke Phillips. 193 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,300 Eh, eh? 194 00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:27,204 I'm Bill Clinton. 195 00:08:27,272 --> 00:08:29,306 I urge you to work for Duke Phillips. 196 00:08:29,374 --> 00:08:30,742 That's not Clinton. 197 00:08:30,809 --> 00:08:32,810 That's just one of your mechanical hillbilly bears. 198 00:08:32,878 --> 00:08:35,079 Yeah, but so far nobody's noticed. 199 00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,782 Look, I'll write your speeches, but I have 2 conditions. 200 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:39,316 First, no rewriting. 201 00:08:39,384 --> 00:08:42,820 Second, we must be honest with the public at all times. 202 00:08:42,888 --> 00:08:44,288 Done and done. 203 00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:46,891 Hey, where'd she come from? 204 00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:49,827 I, er, built her out of John Quincy Adams 205 00:08:49,895 --> 00:08:51,195 and Herbert hoover. 206 00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:57,168 Hi, I'm, uh, I'm tom snyder. 207 00:08:57,235 --> 00:08:59,236 Our first guest is billionaire Duke Phillips. 208 00:08:59,304 --> 00:09:00,471 Duke, uh, Duke, what's new? 209 00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:01,940 Tom, I'm running for president. 210 00:09:02,007 --> 00:09:04,108 Oh, that's great. That's great. 211 00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:06,978 You know, back in my day, we had, uh, we had president coolidge, there. 212 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:09,213 And, uh, they used to say, "keep cool with coolidge." 213 00:09:09,281 --> 00:09:12,416 And, uh, and we did. We, uh, we kept pretty cool back then. 214 00:09:12,484 --> 00:09:15,119 [Laughs] Uh, now... now, why are you running? 215 00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:17,288 Well, because it's time we had a president 216 00:09:17,355 --> 00:09:19,323 who's not beholden to special interests. 217 00:09:19,391 --> 00:09:20,925 I'm a self-made billionaire. 218 00:09:20,993 --> 00:09:24,528 The only person who can bribe me is a bazillionaire. 219 00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:27,031 And I am the first candidate to call for 220 00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:29,634 Arnold Schwarzenegger to be tarred and feathered. 221 00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,102 I wrote that speech. 222 00:09:31,169 --> 00:09:32,971 Well, duh. 223 00:09:33,038 --> 00:09:35,640 Jay, son, your speech went over great. 224 00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:37,274 Judy, how many calls have we gotten? 225 00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:39,644 A million and a half and they all support you. 226 00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:41,145 When they call, try to sell them 227 00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,581 our 12-volume history of Western meat. 228 00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:44,749 Uh, volume 1, 229 00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:46,450 pressed ham, is free for 30 days. 230 00:09:46,518 --> 00:09:48,285 And the cover's made of pressed ham. 231 00:09:48,353 --> 00:09:49,453 No, it's not. 232 00:09:49,521 --> 00:09:50,888 Oh. 233 00:09:50,956 --> 00:09:53,224 [Chomping] 234 00:09:53,291 --> 00:09:55,159 Duke Phillips' recent announcement 235 00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:58,195 has the other candidates scrambling to adopt Duke's positions. 236 00:09:58,263 --> 00:10:00,698 Today, president Clinton signed a bill into law 237 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,868 calling for the tarring and feathering of Arnold Schwarzenegger. 238 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,202 [Crowd screaming] 239 00:10:05,270 --> 00:10:07,005 I'll be "bawk!" 240 00:10:07,072 --> 00:10:09,240 Uh, Mr. Phillips, you received an urgent call 241 00:10:09,307 --> 00:10:10,842 from senator Bob dole. 242 00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:13,344 Yee-ha! 243 00:10:13,411 --> 00:10:15,980 I've got the Republicans running scared. 244 00:10:16,048 --> 00:10:18,683 I'm gonna be the next Ross perot. 245 00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:22,120 I wonder whatever happened to him. 246 00:10:22,187 --> 00:10:25,156 Stockdale, if we don't deliver this pizza in 30 minutes, it's free. 247 00:10:25,223 --> 00:10:27,058 What's the holdup? Gridlock. 248 00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:31,162 [All cars honking] 249 00:10:33,598 --> 00:10:35,366 Bob dole. Good to meet you, Duke. 250 00:10:35,433 --> 00:10:38,536 I'm Dan quayle. I got to go boom boom. 251 00:10:38,603 --> 00:10:40,805 Bob, I'm thinking of running as a republican. 252 00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,373 That nomination is mine. 253 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,507 [Thunder rumbles] 254 00:10:43,575 --> 00:10:45,576 If you interfere I'll release this tape. 255 00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:48,112 ♪ Pretty kitty calico 256 00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:50,682 ♪ you know that I love you so ♪ 257 00:10:50,749 --> 00:10:52,984 ♪ with your fur so soft and fair ♪ 258 00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:56,220 ♪ I will take you everywhere ♪ 259 00:10:56,288 --> 00:10:57,521 [sobbing] 260 00:10:57,589 --> 00:11:00,624 All right, I'll run as an independent. 261 00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:04,896 Oh, how am I ever going to get this to look like this? 262 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,766 I don't know, son. But you've got to try. 263 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,467 It's what you promised the other kids. 264 00:11:10,535 --> 00:11:13,270 But all they wanna do is goof off and eat candy. 265 00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:15,873 Well, son, as president, you're above that. 266 00:11:15,941 --> 00:11:19,077 I do solemnly swear that as your president 267 00:11:19,144 --> 00:11:21,212 I will goof off and eat candy. 268 00:11:21,279 --> 00:11:25,016 [Snoring] 269 00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:28,385 [All shouting] 4 more years! 4 more years! 270 00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:34,892 I believe Americans have the right to bear arms 271 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,062 except for vicious cop-killing assault rifles. 272 00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:41,065 [Guns firing] 273 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:46,337 Bazooka Duke says: Chew on this! 274 00:11:47,072 --> 00:11:48,305 [Exploding] 275 00:11:48,373 --> 00:11:49,406 [Crowd cheering] (Man) Hey! 276 00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:56,948 [Duke chanting in hebrew] 277 00:11:59,118 --> 00:12:01,185 (All) L'Chaim! L'Chaim! 278 00:12:02,921 --> 00:12:06,624 I promise you zombies more raw human flesh 279 00:12:06,691 --> 00:12:09,160 than any president since Roosevelt. 280 00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,662 [All groaning] 281 00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:15,967 Uh, Doris, what are you doing here? 282 00:12:16,034 --> 00:12:17,601 Looking for a husband. 283 00:12:17,669 --> 00:12:19,570 So, vote for Duke. 284 00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:21,505 God, I've never felt such power. 285 00:12:21,573 --> 00:12:23,540 I really think we can get everything we want. 286 00:12:23,608 --> 00:12:26,811 More teachers in the schools, longer hours for the library. 287 00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,212 You know what else is great? 288 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,214 Since I started writing speeches for Duke, 289 00:12:30,282 --> 00:12:31,916 everyone takes my phone calls. 290 00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:33,117 [Phone ringing] Watch. 291 00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,386 Jay sherman for princess di. 292 00:12:35,453 --> 00:12:36,453 (Princess di) Hello. 293 00:12:36,521 --> 00:12:37,421 Hey, princess. 294 00:12:37,489 --> 00:12:39,157 [Blowing raspberry] Oh, Jay. 295 00:12:39,224 --> 00:12:41,192 Here's a jolly old raspberry for you. 296 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,559 [Princess di blowing raspberry] 297 00:12:42,627 --> 00:12:44,128 Oh, look, here's the queen. 298 00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:47,265 (Queen) Hello, Jay. Have I got a rude noise for you! 299 00:12:47,332 --> 00:12:48,966 [Loud belching] 300 00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,768 Ooh, that was me Christmas pudding. 301 00:12:54,606 --> 00:12:57,809 Welcome to the united nations school homecoming parade. 302 00:12:57,876 --> 00:12:59,911 First, the float from Singapore. 303 00:13:03,348 --> 00:13:05,149 [Laughing] 304 00:13:08,586 --> 00:13:10,788 I'm worried, dad. No one ever helped me, 305 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:13,057 and I couldn't finish the float by myself. 306 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,692 I'm sure you did fine. 307 00:13:18,730 --> 00:13:20,664 It's a giant horse's ass. 308 00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:22,333 You're watching fox. 309 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,402 Give us 10 minutes, we'll give you an ass. 310 00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:27,872 Next, the float from easter island. 311 00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,842 ♪[Marching band music playing] 312 00:13:33,712 --> 00:13:36,814 [Clicking] 313 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,350 Big whoop. 314 00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:46,390 [Gasps] 315 00:13:47,792 --> 00:13:50,361 Up next is the 8th graders' float 316 00:13:50,428 --> 00:13:53,097 built by class president Martin sherman. 317 00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,131 The theme is: 318 00:13:55,433 --> 00:13:57,335 A flaming horse's patoot! 319 00:13:57,402 --> 00:13:59,703 (All) Yeah! 320 00:13:59,771 --> 00:14:03,341 [All chanting] Marty! Marty! Marty! 321 00:14:03,408 --> 00:14:04,742 You're a hit, son. 322 00:14:06,611 --> 00:14:08,112 [Crashing] 323 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,480 [Exploding] 324 00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:14,451 And nothing of value was lost. 325 00:14:19,624 --> 00:14:21,725 Sir, the polls show you're doing great 326 00:14:21,793 --> 00:14:24,561 with voters across the board, except women. 327 00:14:24,629 --> 00:14:25,629 Do they vote? 328 00:14:25,697 --> 00:14:27,198 Yes, we do. 329 00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:28,532 Really? Well, what about the Irish? 330 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:29,566 Them, too. 331 00:14:29,634 --> 00:14:31,235 Uh-oh, better change these posters. 332 00:14:34,506 --> 00:14:36,607 Good idea, sir. Oh, and about women, 333 00:14:36,674 --> 00:14:39,243 their problem is they think because you're not married, 334 00:14:39,311 --> 00:14:40,778 you're not much of a family man. 335 00:14:40,845 --> 00:14:43,214 Oh, that's no problem. I got to get me a wife, 336 00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:46,884 someone sweet, someone America loves. 337 00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,287 I'd like you all to meet my new wife, 338 00:14:49,354 --> 00:14:52,689 everybody's favorite t.V. Mom, June Lockhart. 339 00:14:52,757 --> 00:14:55,359 Ms. Lockhart, why did you agree to marry Duke Phillips? 340 00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:57,761 Because he agreed to bring everybody back 341 00:14:57,829 --> 00:15:00,731 who was lost in space, even Dr. Smith. 342 00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:02,934 Mr. Phillips, what do you say to those who claim 343 00:15:03,001 --> 00:15:05,803 this marriage is just an outrageous publicity stunt? 344 00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:08,872 I say, gaze into the hypnotic power 345 00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:11,442 of my evil eye. 346 00:15:16,281 --> 00:15:18,849 Is there a follow-up question? 347 00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:21,319 How may I serve you, evil one? 348 00:15:23,788 --> 00:15:26,857 Listen, Duke, I'm starting to have my doubts about this whole campaign. 349 00:15:26,925 --> 00:15:28,592 The phony June Lockhart wedding. 350 00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:30,828 The unmotivated Irish bashing. 351 00:15:30,895 --> 00:15:33,130 Your use of the evil eye. 352 00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:35,232 Look, son, I know you have your doubts, 353 00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,334 but I'll tell you what. 354 00:15:36,401 --> 00:15:38,002 I'll let you make your own movie. 355 00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:40,571 Ah, hell, you can even star in it. 356 00:15:40,638 --> 00:15:42,039 I know just the project: 357 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:43,507 Goodfellas ii. 358 00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:48,312 Aw, man, we got to bury this thing. It smells terrible. 359 00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:50,781 Hi, guy. 360 00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:52,483 Mamma Mia! 361 00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:55,686 Well, it is tempting. 362 00:15:55,753 --> 00:15:56,887 That's my boy. 363 00:15:56,955 --> 00:15:58,722 Now, I need you to write me a new speech. 364 00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:00,591 The Guam primary is next week. 365 00:16:00,658 --> 00:16:02,226 Well, besides wanting to win, 366 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:04,528 what exactly do you want to do for these people? 367 00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:06,730 Hell, I don't even know what to call them. 368 00:16:06,798 --> 00:16:09,933 Guambats. The guamish. Guammi bears. 369 00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:12,003 Maybe you shouldn't enter that primary. 370 00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:13,971 Besides, don't you need a running mate? 371 00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:16,874 Way ahead of you, chub monster. I've got just the man. 372 00:16:16,941 --> 00:16:19,410 He's a former ambassador, cabinet member, 373 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,944 ex-governor of New York. 374 00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:23,047 Oh... oh, wait, now. You... you don't mean... 375 00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:27,885 Son, I'm going to be vice president, 376 00:16:27,952 --> 00:16:30,754 and I'm going to be honest with the American people. 377 00:16:30,822 --> 00:16:34,191 I'm not going to wear this toupee anymore. 378 00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:36,093 [Ripping] 379 00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:38,262 Dad, you don't wear a toupee. 380 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,631 I will from now on. 381 00:16:42,934 --> 00:16:44,601 Welcome to decision '96. 382 00:16:44,669 --> 00:16:46,537 It's 18 months till the election, 383 00:16:46,604 --> 00:16:49,706 and tonight, we'll focus on the vice-presidential candidates. 384 00:16:49,774 --> 00:16:52,309 Since this is so boring and pointless, 385 00:16:52,377 --> 00:16:55,379 we will periodically be inserting clips from baywatch. 386 00:16:55,447 --> 00:16:56,947 (Woman) Help, help! 387 00:16:57,015 --> 00:16:59,716 An octopus stole my bikini top. 388 00:16:59,784 --> 00:17:01,018 I'll get it, 389 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,720 but first I'd better put on my octopus repellent. 390 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:05,656 Ooh. 391 00:17:05,723 --> 00:17:07,058 Oh, yeah. 392 00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:09,527 That's good octopus repellent. 393 00:17:09,594 --> 00:17:10,761 Dad, for the last time, 394 00:17:10,828 --> 00:17:12,930 are you sure you want to run for vice president? 395 00:17:12,997 --> 00:17:16,067 Jay, can I do a worse job than spiro agnew? 396 00:17:16,134 --> 00:17:17,568 Or Aaron burr? 397 00:17:17,635 --> 00:17:20,171 Or William Rufus de vane king? 398 00:17:20,238 --> 00:17:23,274 He died in Cuba 6 weeks after being sworn in. 399 00:17:23,341 --> 00:17:26,143 Well, maybe you do know what you're doing. 400 00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,546 Yeah. Now let's rob that bank. 401 00:17:30,682 --> 00:17:33,250 (Female announcer) Our candidates are now entering the studio. 402 00:17:33,318 --> 00:17:35,152 Vice president Al Gore, 403 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,688 republican candidate rich dull wasp, 404 00:17:37,755 --> 00:17:42,326 and former governor of New York, Franklin sherman. 405 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,462 Governor sherman, an opening statement? 406 00:17:44,529 --> 00:17:48,865 As the first black female head of the ku klux klan, 407 00:17:48,933 --> 00:17:50,434 I'd like to say 408 00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:52,869 America stinks! 409 00:17:52,937 --> 00:17:55,072 This may hurt us more than it helps us. 410 00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:56,673 And governor sherman, 411 00:17:56,741 --> 00:17:59,143 what would you do in the case of nuclear attack? 412 00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:02,246 [Imitating Julia child] Then you sprinkle the chicken liberally 413 00:18:02,314 --> 00:18:03,981 with old spice. 414 00:18:05,683 --> 00:18:08,152 Jay, your father's going to cost me the election! 415 00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:09,553 I want you to write me a speech 416 00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:11,755 where I kick the old coot off the ticket. 417 00:18:11,823 --> 00:18:14,425 I can't do that. He's my father. 418 00:18:14,493 --> 00:18:16,227 [Ducks quacking] 419 00:18:16,294 --> 00:18:18,895 Quack, quack. Quack, quack. 420 00:18:18,963 --> 00:18:21,332 Well, I'll think about it. 421 00:18:21,399 --> 00:18:23,601 I entered this thing with high ideals, 422 00:18:23,668 --> 00:18:27,004 and now Duke wants me to stab my own dad in the back. 423 00:18:27,071 --> 00:18:28,939 Jay, sit on my lap. 424 00:18:30,074 --> 00:18:31,175 [Crunching] 425 00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:32,843 Get off my lap! 426 00:18:32,910 --> 00:18:34,411 But it's so comfortable. 427 00:18:34,479 --> 00:18:37,814 Jay, maybe your father shouldn't be vice-president, 428 00:18:37,882 --> 00:18:41,318 but you shouldn't be the one who has to break his heart. 429 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,755 Now let's take a look at the new musical 430 00:18:44,822 --> 00:18:48,659 from Francis Ford coppola: Apocalypse wow! 431 00:18:48,726 --> 00:18:50,294 [Helicopter hovering] 432 00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:51,928 ♪[Up-tempo piano music playing] 433 00:18:51,996 --> 00:18:54,265 ♪ Howdy-do, I'm colonel kurtz ♪ 434 00:18:54,332 --> 00:18:56,534 ♪ fat and bald like old Fred mertz ♪ 435 00:18:56,601 --> 00:18:58,636 ♪ watch me do a hula dance 436 00:18:58,703 --> 00:19:00,937 ♪ to shake the egg rolls from my pants ♪ 437 00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:10,981 (all) ♪ he's not so bad 438 00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:14,418 ♪ he's really just an odd man ♪ 439 00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:17,988 ♪ and I shaved my head like Dennis rodman ♪ 440 00:19:18,056 --> 00:19:19,690 ♪ he's a God, man 441 00:19:19,757 --> 00:19:22,293 (Duke) Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! 442 00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:24,662 Vote for Duke! 443 00:19:24,729 --> 00:19:26,530 Get that off my show. 444 00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:28,865 Don't lip off to me, fyvush finkel. 445 00:19:28,933 --> 00:19:30,267 And where the hell's my speech? 446 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:31,669 I'm not giving you that speech. 447 00:19:31,736 --> 00:19:33,103 My loyalty is to my father. 448 00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:34,605 Fine, I don't need you anymore. 449 00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,773 I don't need any of you. 450 00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:38,475 I'm Duke Phillips and from now on, 451 00:19:38,543 --> 00:19:40,010 I'm speaking my own mind. 452 00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:42,580 First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president: 453 00:19:42,647 --> 00:19:45,048 I'll run this country like I run my company. 454 00:19:45,116 --> 00:19:46,883 I'm gonna raid the pension fund, 455 00:19:46,951 --> 00:19:48,352 dump chemicals in the ocean, 456 00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:51,222 and sell our best assets to the Japanese. 457 00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:54,358 Ooh! Looks like reaganomics is making a comeback. 458 00:19:54,426 --> 00:19:57,461 Half of you states are in the toilet. And you're not coming out. 459 00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,630 New York, you know what I'm talking about. 460 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:03,200 California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye. 461 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:06,002 New england, you're going back to old england. 462 00:20:06,070 --> 00:20:07,804 Ooh, I don't want that. 463 00:20:07,872 --> 00:20:09,540 More poison? 464 00:20:09,608 --> 00:20:11,475 I mean, tea? 465 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,777 Ah, don't mind if I do. 466 00:20:13,845 --> 00:20:15,713 You almost had me there. 467 00:20:16,814 --> 00:20:18,582 [Grunting] 468 00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:21,151 Well, that's my speech. Now, if you'll excuse me, 469 00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:24,154 i have to put on some leather and go get spanked. 470 00:20:24,222 --> 00:20:25,623 Vote for Duke. Good night. 471 00:20:25,690 --> 00:20:27,858 [Horse neighing] 472 00:20:27,925 --> 00:20:29,993 Hi, June. How'd you like my speech? 473 00:20:30,061 --> 00:20:31,562 Duke, I want a divorce. 474 00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:34,131 You're a terrible man, you'd be an awful president, 475 00:20:34,198 --> 00:20:35,599 and you never had any intention 476 00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,934 of bringing back the people who were lost in space. 477 00:20:38,002 --> 00:20:40,203 I did bring back that extraterrestrial. 478 00:20:41,773 --> 00:20:43,006 Hello. 479 00:20:44,376 --> 00:20:46,343 Ew, sic him, Lassie! 480 00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:48,211 [Dog snarling] 481 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,546 Down, girl, down. 482 00:20:49,614 --> 00:20:51,282 Bite him where it hurts. 483 00:20:51,349 --> 00:20:52,583 [Dog snarling] 484 00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,418 Well, that's our show for tonight, folks. 485 00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:55,753 We didn't review many movies 486 00:20:55,820 --> 00:20:57,288 but tune in next week when we have 487 00:20:57,355 --> 00:20:59,256 gentle Ben maul newt gingrich. 488 00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:02,025 Good night, everybody. 489 00:21:02,093 --> 00:21:06,830 ♪[America the beautiful playing] 490 00:21:13,204 --> 00:21:14,137 [Crunching] 491 00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:16,607 [Gulps] 492 00:21:17,509 --> 00:21:19,009 [Slurping] 493 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,014 [Crunching] 494 00:21:25,216 --> 00:21:26,450 [Gulping] 495 00:21:26,518 --> 00:21:27,451 [Slurping] 496 00:22:00,151 --> 00:22:01,918 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 497 00:22:01,986 --> 00:22:05,055 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 498 00:22:12,096 --> 00:22:13,897 Excuse me, sir. The show's over. 499 00:22:13,965 --> 00:22:15,366 Get away, zitface. 500 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,434 [Chattering] 501 00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:18,335 Shh!