1 00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:21,252 [Telephone ringing] 2 00:00:22,187 --> 00:00:23,187 Hello. 3 00:00:23,255 --> 00:00:25,023 Jay, this is your inner child. 4 00:00:25,090 --> 00:00:27,692 I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. 5 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:28,760 [Sirens wailing] 6 00:00:28,828 --> 00:00:30,028 Gotta go! 7 00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:46,411 [Ice cracking] 8 00:00:46,478 --> 00:00:47,879 [All screaming] 9 00:00:47,947 --> 00:00:49,480 [All groaning] 10 00:00:59,258 --> 00:01:00,559 It stinks. 11 00:01:02,361 --> 00:01:03,294 [Remote clicks] 12 00:01:12,638 --> 00:01:15,674 Our last film is a remake of guess who's coming to dinner 13 00:01:15,741 --> 00:01:18,810 starring Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson. 14 00:01:20,012 --> 00:01:21,913 ♪[Music playing] 15 00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:24,115 Lisa Marie, honey, who's your new girlfriend? 16 00:01:24,183 --> 00:01:25,216 He's my husband. 17 00:01:25,284 --> 00:01:27,052 Now, honey, you two don't go together, 18 00:01:27,119 --> 00:01:28,987 just like whipped cream and pork chops. 19 00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:30,855 Here's your pork chops and whipped cream, king. 20 00:01:30,923 --> 00:01:32,824 Thank you. Thank you very much. 21 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,226 Daddy, you don't like Michael just 'cause his skin's a different color. 22 00:01:35,294 --> 00:01:36,527 No, it isn't. 23 00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:38,029 [Laughing] 24 00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:39,864 I have a soft spot for this movie. 25 00:01:39,932 --> 00:01:42,300 You see, I once worked as a Elvis impersonator and... 26 00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:43,768 Well, here's a clip. 27 00:01:43,836 --> 00:01:45,503 (Male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, 28 00:01:45,571 --> 00:01:48,239 Elvis impersonator, Jay sherman. 29 00:01:48,307 --> 00:01:50,008 [Audience cheering] 30 00:01:50,977 --> 00:01:52,510 ♪[Band playing] 31 00:01:52,578 --> 00:01:53,778 [Tearing] 32 00:01:53,846 --> 00:01:55,179 Show's over. 33 00:01:57,683 --> 00:01:59,985 Jay sherman has left the building. 34 00:02:00,052 --> 00:02:02,186 [Audience cheering] 35 00:02:02,254 --> 00:02:03,187 Hey! 36 00:02:04,556 --> 00:02:05,690 And...Cut. 37 00:02:07,526 --> 00:02:09,560 Listen, could I get out early today? 38 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:12,563 My sister's comin' for a visit and I've got to tidy up. 39 00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,532 Hey, I'll come with you and give you a hand. 40 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:15,967 Good news, jelly-belly, 41 00:02:16,035 --> 00:02:18,536 you've moved up to 5th in your time slot. 44 00:02:26,478 --> 00:02:29,180 Nice to be here, ed. 45 00:02:29,248 --> 00:02:31,382 I think you should know a little about my sister 46 00:02:31,450 --> 00:02:32,717 before she gets here. 47 00:02:32,785 --> 00:02:35,820 Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job. 48 00:02:37,823 --> 00:02:42,426 (Alice) My sister and I have never really gotten along. 49 00:02:42,494 --> 00:02:44,896 Randa was better than me at everything. 50 00:02:44,964 --> 00:02:47,231 ♪ Listen to the mockingbird 51 00:02:47,299 --> 00:02:49,233 ♪ listen to the mockingbird 52 00:02:49,301 --> 00:02:50,501 [screeches] 53 00:02:50,569 --> 00:02:55,140 ♪ If the nightingales could sing like you ♪ 54 00:02:55,207 --> 00:03:00,011 ♪ they'd sing, but sweeter than they do ♪ 55 00:03:00,079 --> 00:03:01,646 [whistling tune] 56 00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:07,518 [Grunts] 57 00:03:07,586 --> 00:03:11,656 Then she had the nerve to upstage me at my weddin'. 58 00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:14,525 Only the bride is supposed to wear a wedding dress! 59 00:03:14,593 --> 00:03:17,696 Oh! Silly me. I'll just take it off. 60 00:03:23,102 --> 00:03:24,535 Mmm... 61 00:03:24,603 --> 00:03:26,604 Eh... oh! 62 00:03:26,672 --> 00:03:29,174 (Man on p.A. System) Yo! The bus from Knoxville has arrived. 63 00:03:29,241 --> 00:03:31,309 You'll know randa when you see her. 64 00:03:31,376 --> 00:03:33,178 Bonjour, y'all. 65 00:03:33,245 --> 00:03:36,647 I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. 66 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,683 Then you're in the wrong place, toots. 67 00:03:38,751 --> 00:03:41,886 This is New York. Now, I'm off to my job. 68 00:03:41,954 --> 00:03:44,355 English Professor at N.Y. "Youse." 69 00:03:45,191 --> 00:03:46,457 Hmm. 70 00:03:46,525 --> 00:03:47,992 ♪[Humming] 71 00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:49,493 Hello, Alice. 72 00:03:49,561 --> 00:03:53,564 I can see New York's done wonders for your appetite. 73 00:03:53,632 --> 00:03:54,665 [Growls] 74 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,801 Jay sherman, this is my sister, randa. 75 00:03:56,869 --> 00:03:59,771 Miranda tompkins, at your service. 76 00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:03,174 Miranda's named after the heroine of the tempest. 77 00:04:03,242 --> 00:04:06,510 I'm named after Alice kramden on the honeymooners. 78 00:04:06,578 --> 00:04:09,948 We were both lucky compared to brother bisquick. 79 00:04:10,015 --> 00:04:11,816 Now, if I can find a Porter... 80 00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:14,418 Sir, pardon me. Might I ask... 81 00:04:14,486 --> 00:04:16,221 Hon', if you're going to live here, 82 00:04:16,288 --> 00:04:18,923 you're going to have to learn a few new languages. 83 00:04:18,991 --> 00:04:21,760 Excuse me, but for another cab you could wait, maybe? 84 00:04:21,827 --> 00:04:24,062 Here. Take and be healthy. 85 00:04:25,497 --> 00:04:26,948 [Speaking foreign language] 86 00:04:28,266 --> 00:04:29,633 [Speaking foreign language] 87 00:04:32,688 --> 00:04:34,405 My, what a perfectly... 88 00:04:35,107 --> 00:04:36,975 Little apartment. 89 00:04:37,042 --> 00:04:38,943 Mama, aunt randa's going to teach me 90 00:04:39,011 --> 00:04:42,146 to giggle stupidly to make men do my bidding. 91 00:04:42,214 --> 00:04:43,581 [Giggling] 92 00:04:43,648 --> 00:04:45,183 [Growls] Oh! 93 00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,151 Please, randa, lets not make this 94 00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:50,088 any more like a streetcar named desire than it has to be. 95 00:04:50,155 --> 00:04:53,424 [Imitating marlon brando] Alice. Alice! 96 00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:56,027 What we got here is napoleonic code, 97 00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:59,864 which means I get to eat as many napoleons as I can find. 98 00:04:59,931 --> 00:05:01,799 [Laughing] 99 00:05:01,867 --> 00:05:04,935 So, randa, what brings you to New York? 100 00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:07,171 I'm here to catch a rich husband. 101 00:05:07,239 --> 00:05:10,941 Jay, you look like you're riding pretty high on the hog. 102 00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:15,880 No, well... Just take a look at the size of my wallet. 103 00:05:15,947 --> 00:05:18,049 Isn't that your wallet on the table, there? 104 00:05:19,184 --> 00:05:20,951 Ew! 105 00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:22,953 Look, randa, you're a very attractive woman, 106 00:05:23,022 --> 00:05:25,490 but I love Alice and nothing's going to change that. 107 00:05:25,557 --> 00:05:28,192 Fine. I'll find myself a millionaire 108 00:05:28,260 --> 00:05:30,694 with a less preposterous posterior. 109 00:05:32,564 --> 00:05:34,432 [Slurring] Now, you must understand... 110 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:36,700 I only want you for your body. 111 00:05:36,768 --> 00:05:37,935 [Laughing] 112 00:05:38,003 --> 00:05:40,671 I like a man who likes the way I look. 113 00:05:40,739 --> 00:05:43,574 You don't understand. I need a liver transplant 114 00:05:43,642 --> 00:05:45,609 with a kidney chaser. 115 00:05:45,677 --> 00:05:46,610 [Laughs] 116 00:05:47,246 --> 00:05:48,746 God, I'm funny! 117 00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:51,282 [Sighs] 118 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:52,517 What's wrong, date? 119 00:05:52,584 --> 00:05:53,951 I get the feeling 120 00:05:54,019 --> 00:05:56,421 you're not the least bit interested in me. 121 00:05:56,488 --> 00:05:59,223 I think you're the most gorgeous creature alive. 122 00:05:59,291 --> 00:06:04,762 Those lips... those eyes... That rugged 5:00 shadow... 123 00:06:04,829 --> 00:06:07,665 The old maid at the table will pay my check. 124 00:06:08,633 --> 00:06:10,068 Oh, pooh! 125 00:06:10,135 --> 00:06:12,937 Vlada, you darling, little foreign man. 126 00:06:13,004 --> 00:06:15,440 Come sit down and tell me how y'all are. 127 00:06:15,507 --> 00:06:16,707 Sorry, pretty lady. 128 00:06:16,775 --> 00:06:19,410 Vlada's souffle hasn't risen in years. 129 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,481 I don't know why Jay didn't mention 130 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:26,016 his rich Uncle sooner, Mr. sherman. 131 00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:28,052 He sounds perfect for me. 132 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,722 Well, brother Hannibal is a bit touched in the head. 133 00:06:31,790 --> 00:06:33,391 Oh, Hannibal? 134 00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:38,496 Hello, randa. You look good enough to eat. 135 00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,398 [Slurping] 136 00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:41,765 [Screaming] 137 00:06:41,833 --> 00:06:44,001 Now, that's fast food. 138 00:06:45,504 --> 00:06:47,238 Anyway, Alice's birthday is coming up, 139 00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:48,772 I'd like to buy her a present. 140 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,941 Uh-huh. I want to get her just the right thing. 141 00:06:51,009 --> 00:06:52,210 You kissed her yet? 142 00:06:52,277 --> 00:06:53,611 Yes. 143 00:06:53,678 --> 00:06:54,712 Do you love her? 144 00:06:54,779 --> 00:06:56,481 Yes. 145 00:06:56,548 --> 00:06:58,249 Get a tattoo with her name in it. 146 00:06:58,317 --> 00:07:00,084 That's what I did with my true love. 147 00:07:02,053 --> 00:07:03,754 Unsettling, isn't it? 148 00:07:03,822 --> 00:07:04,855 Very. 149 00:07:08,927 --> 00:07:11,295 Alice, in honor of your birthday... 150 00:07:12,063 --> 00:07:14,432 A diamond locket. 151 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,900 There's a picture of me inside. 152 00:07:16,968 --> 00:07:18,769 Jay, honey... 153 00:07:18,837 --> 00:07:21,038 Couldn't you have picked a more flattering picture? 154 00:07:21,106 --> 00:07:23,073 No. Well, I love it. 155 00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:25,943 You make me so happy. 156 00:07:26,011 --> 00:07:30,014 Jay, I'm lonely. Come talk to me. 157 00:07:30,081 --> 00:07:31,815 Randa, it's Alice's night. 158 00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:36,154 Stop making yourself the center of attention! 159 00:07:36,221 --> 00:07:38,822 Me? I ask you lovely people 160 00:07:38,890 --> 00:07:41,692 am I making myself the center of attention? 161 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,196 Do you always have to hog the spotlight? 162 00:07:45,264 --> 00:07:46,330 Can't you let... 163 00:07:46,398 --> 00:07:47,565 Alice... 164 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,468 Who's sitting here with me, have one night? 165 00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,603 What kind of a sister are you? 166 00:07:52,671 --> 00:07:55,373 I will not be talked to that way. 167 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,375 [Sobbing] 168 00:07:57,442 --> 00:07:59,410 I resent you hogging the spotlight 169 00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:00,978 at the state of the union address. 170 00:08:01,046 --> 00:08:03,681 But Hillary, honey, I'm the president. 171 00:08:03,748 --> 00:08:06,384 Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. 172 00:08:06,451 --> 00:08:08,186 [Sobbing] 173 00:08:11,456 --> 00:08:12,756 [Sobbing] 174 00:08:14,159 --> 00:08:17,395 God bless daddy and Uncle bisquick, 175 00:08:17,462 --> 00:08:19,564 and please give momma the butt lift 176 00:08:19,631 --> 00:08:22,333 aunt randa says she needs so desperately. 177 00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:23,301 [Growls] 178 00:08:25,003 --> 00:08:27,605 I am sick and tired of you livin' under my roof, 179 00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,674 eatin' my food, and a-treatin' me like dirt. 180 00:08:29,741 --> 00:08:31,375 Very well. I can do just fine 181 00:08:31,443 --> 00:08:33,911 on the streets of New York by myself. 182 00:08:34,846 --> 00:08:36,146 [Sirens wailing] 183 00:08:36,215 --> 00:08:38,282 [Guns firing] 184 00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:39,983 [Knocking on door] 185 00:08:44,289 --> 00:08:47,558 Never insult the cheesecake at lindy's. 186 00:08:47,626 --> 00:08:49,227 Randa, you can stay, 187 00:08:49,294 --> 00:08:51,161 but tomorrow you're going out to get a job 188 00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:52,996 and start earning your keep around here. 189 00:08:53,064 --> 00:08:54,332 [Sighs] 190 00:08:54,399 --> 00:08:57,602 All right, it's not like I'm going to find a millionaire. 191 00:08:57,669 --> 00:08:59,370 I guess my life's not going to have 192 00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:02,206 a fairy tale endin' after all. 193 00:09:02,274 --> 00:09:04,842 Oh, hide me! I'm being chased by 3 bears. 194 00:09:04,909 --> 00:09:07,878 There's a dispute over some porridge. Don't ask questions. 195 00:09:07,946 --> 00:09:09,947 Oh, Jay, don't tease. 196 00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:12,650 [Growling] 197 00:09:16,988 --> 00:09:19,657 (Randa) Vlada, if I'm going to stay in New York, 198 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,793 I really need a job. Could I be your hostess? 199 00:09:22,861 --> 00:09:25,263 Now, if you wish to be vlada's hostess, 200 00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:28,232 you must know who is hot and who is not. 201 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:30,834 If David letterman and Regis philbin 202 00:09:30,902 --> 00:09:33,237 both want the last table, which one gets it? 203 00:09:33,305 --> 00:09:34,705 Letterman. 204 00:09:34,773 --> 00:09:38,309 Good. Deforest kelley or a mangy yellow dog? 205 00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:40,010 Hmm... the dog? 206 00:09:40,078 --> 00:09:42,647 Sorry! ♪ they both go out on the loading dock ♪ 207 00:09:42,714 --> 00:09:44,982 damn it, I'm a man, not a dog. 208 00:09:45,049 --> 00:09:46,984 [Both snarling] 209 00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:53,090 Now, if you want to work here at the New York post, 210 00:09:53,158 --> 00:09:54,525 you must know that we insert 211 00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:56,427 the following words into every headline: 212 00:09:56,495 --> 00:10:00,164 "Headless," "nude," "sewage," and "governor." 213 00:10:00,231 --> 00:10:02,433 For instance, "subway fares raised" 214 00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:06,370 becomes "headless governor found nude in subway sewage." 215 00:10:06,438 --> 00:10:08,205 What about the fares? 216 00:10:08,273 --> 00:10:09,973 You're fired. 217 00:10:10,041 --> 00:10:11,709 Here at mattress in an hour, 218 00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:14,378 we deliver mattresses in an hour. 219 00:10:14,446 --> 00:10:15,546 I'll do it. 220 00:10:15,614 --> 00:10:18,148 Please, I've got to have this job. 221 00:10:18,216 --> 00:10:20,518 All right. You're hired, sweet cheeks. 222 00:10:20,585 --> 00:10:23,854 Um... isn't that sexual harassment? 223 00:10:23,922 --> 00:10:27,458 Actually, the New York supreme court ruled that it is not. 224 00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:30,861 Hey, baby, I got something under my robes for you. 225 00:10:30,929 --> 00:10:33,564 Hey, how'd you like to bang my gavel, sweetheart? 226 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:35,433 You want to see a learned hand? 227 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:36,434 Hah! 228 00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:40,103 I'm exhausted. 229 00:10:40,171 --> 00:10:43,207 Today I had to deliver a mattress to Madonna. 230 00:10:43,274 --> 00:10:47,110 Then another one. Then another one. Then another one. 231 00:10:47,979 --> 00:10:49,580 Then another one. 232 00:10:49,648 --> 00:10:52,583 Oh, I almost forgot. It's time for Jay's show. 233 00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:55,018 Next up: One of America's favorite comedians 234 00:10:55,086 --> 00:10:57,655 stars in a remake of a classic film, 235 00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,890 rebel without a cosby. 236 00:10:59,958 --> 00:11:02,393 You see, the knife is a good thing 237 00:11:02,461 --> 00:11:04,562 for slicin' and dicin', 238 00:11:04,629 --> 00:11:06,964 but it's not so good for pointin' at me, 239 00:11:07,031 --> 00:11:08,198 the coz', see? 240 00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:09,533 [Laughing] 241 00:11:09,601 --> 00:11:12,570 You should get yourself a spoon 242 00:11:12,637 --> 00:11:15,172 and fill it with jell-o pudding. 243 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,507 [Laughing] 244 00:11:16,575 --> 00:11:19,810 Comedians sticking themselves in classic films? 245 00:11:19,878 --> 00:11:22,980 What's next? Dr. strangelovitz? 246 00:11:23,047 --> 00:11:26,550 Wait a minute. That's a brilliant idea. 247 00:11:26,618 --> 00:11:28,519 Hello, Hollywood? Here's the pitch: 248 00:11:28,587 --> 00:11:30,688 Dr. strangelovitz. 249 00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:32,523 He's a character actor. 250 00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:34,958 No, I don't think he died. 251 00:11:35,026 --> 00:11:38,262 Jay, I'd like to invite you to my spring costume ball. 252 00:11:38,329 --> 00:11:40,865 It's to benefit Duke Phillips' agricultural institute. 253 00:11:40,932 --> 00:11:43,367 We use nuclear technology to grow 254 00:11:43,435 --> 00:11:45,302 fresher tomatoes, bigger carrots... 255 00:11:45,370 --> 00:11:46,570 [Growling] 256 00:11:46,638 --> 00:11:49,206 And potatoes that play the bagpipes. 257 00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:50,641 ♪[Bagpipes playing] 258 00:11:56,415 --> 00:11:59,483 Wow, he's Southern, he's a billionaire, 259 00:11:59,551 --> 00:12:02,586 he commands an army of mutant produce. 260 00:12:02,654 --> 00:12:04,054 I think I'm in love. 261 00:12:04,122 --> 00:12:06,490 Alice, can I go to Duke's ball with you? 262 00:12:06,558 --> 00:12:08,959 No. I will not give you the chance to upstage me 263 00:12:09,027 --> 00:12:10,961 in front of all my friends and co-workers. 264 00:12:11,029 --> 00:12:13,731 Please, Alice, this is my last chance at happiness. 265 00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:16,734 You've got so much: A beautiful daughter, 266 00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,769 a good job, your boyfriend, 267 00:12:18,837 --> 00:12:22,740 with his unique interpretation of masculinity. 268 00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:26,143 All right, I have to admit it. I'm jealous of you. 269 00:12:26,210 --> 00:12:27,878 You? Of me? 270 00:12:27,946 --> 00:12:28,979 Yes! 271 00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:31,014 All right, you can come to the ball. 272 00:12:31,082 --> 00:12:33,083 (Duke) Hey, what happened to the giant potato? 273 00:12:33,151 --> 00:12:34,351 I don't know. 274 00:12:44,128 --> 00:12:45,830 [People chattering] 275 00:12:48,166 --> 00:12:49,366 Jay, where did you park? 276 00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:50,868 I left my car with the valet. 277 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:51,969 There's no valet. 278 00:12:52,036 --> 00:12:53,136 Doh! 279 00:12:53,204 --> 00:12:56,574 Excuse me. I'm just going to check my makeup. 280 00:12:56,641 --> 00:12:58,108 (Franklin) Hello, son. 281 00:12:58,176 --> 00:13:00,377 Uh, dad, you didn't bring a costume. 282 00:13:00,445 --> 00:13:02,346 Oh, yes, I did. 283 00:13:07,051 --> 00:13:08,486 Drinkin'! 284 00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:10,554 Ow! 285 00:13:10,622 --> 00:13:12,255 Whoo-hoo! 286 00:13:12,323 --> 00:13:14,391 [Laughing maniacally] 287 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:17,294 Oh, dear. 288 00:13:17,362 --> 00:13:20,230 This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral. 289 00:13:20,298 --> 00:13:21,899 ♪[Music playing] 290 00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,269 Duke's here. Where's randa? 291 00:13:26,337 --> 00:13:28,672 She's still in the bathroom. I'll go check on her. 292 00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:30,841 You stay with Duke. 293 00:13:30,909 --> 00:13:33,210 (Jay) Hello, Duke. 294 00:13:33,277 --> 00:13:34,578 What are you dressed as? 295 00:13:34,646 --> 00:13:36,714 The bald gay man? 296 00:13:36,781 --> 00:13:39,717 Yes, that's it. The bald gay man. 297 00:13:39,784 --> 00:13:41,084 Attention, everybody. 298 00:13:41,152 --> 00:13:42,820 We have a winner for the best costume: 299 00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:45,155 Jay sherman as the bald gay man. 300 00:13:47,225 --> 00:13:50,127 All the rest of you bald gay men can go home. 301 00:13:50,194 --> 00:13:51,962 Look at the way he's dressed. 302 00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,263 Lord, I never win. 303 00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:56,233 [Randa sobbing] 304 00:13:56,935 --> 00:13:58,569 Randa? 305 00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,004 Randa, what's wrong? 306 00:14:00,071 --> 00:14:03,707 I can't go out there. I got my first wrinkle. 307 00:14:03,775 --> 00:14:05,776 It's right here by my eye. 308 00:14:05,844 --> 00:14:08,779 Oh, honey, you can barely see it. 309 00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:13,017 Duke'll know it's there. Southern boys always do. 310 00:14:13,084 --> 00:14:14,184 [Sobbing] 311 00:14:14,252 --> 00:14:15,653 All right, don't panic. 312 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,888 I'll go out and get you a mask. 313 00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:25,262 Alice, honey, you think you could try a little harder? 314 00:14:25,329 --> 00:14:27,031 [People chattering] 315 00:14:30,234 --> 00:14:31,569 [Inaudible whispering] 316 00:14:33,004 --> 00:14:34,605 ♪[Music playing] 317 00:14:36,074 --> 00:14:37,007 [Gasps] 318 00:14:40,144 --> 00:14:43,847 Miss Scarlett, may I have the honor of this dance? 319 00:14:46,818 --> 00:14:49,252 Gracious! How crowded it is. 320 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,055 Want me to have them all killed for you? 321 00:14:51,122 --> 00:14:52,255 I can do it. 322 00:14:52,323 --> 00:14:54,257 Oh, you're sweet. But not just now. 323 00:14:57,228 --> 00:14:59,797 We can be alone out on the roof. 324 00:14:59,864 --> 00:15:02,666 But rhett, honey, what will people say? 325 00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:04,969 Frankly, my dear, I don't give a crap. 326 00:15:07,205 --> 00:15:08,639 Your gown's beautiful. 327 00:15:08,707 --> 00:15:10,440 I bet you made it out of window curtains, 328 00:15:10,508 --> 00:15:12,342 just like in gone with the wind, huh? 329 00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:14,444 Why, how did you know? 330 00:15:14,512 --> 00:15:17,715 You still got the venetian blinds here in the back. 331 00:15:17,782 --> 00:15:19,817 You really want to see something, 332 00:15:19,884 --> 00:15:21,384 pull the cord. 333 00:15:21,452 --> 00:15:22,552 [Ripping] 334 00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:25,155 Ooh, ooh. Baby's got back. 335 00:15:26,491 --> 00:15:27,958 [Bell chiming] 336 00:15:29,327 --> 00:15:32,229 It's midnight. Time to take off your mask. 337 00:15:32,296 --> 00:15:34,064 I... I... I'd rather not. 338 00:15:34,132 --> 00:15:35,198 What's the matter? 339 00:15:35,266 --> 00:15:37,567 Got a big old crow's foot or something? 340 00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:39,269 [Laughing] 341 00:15:39,337 --> 00:15:41,038 I... I've got to go. 342 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,339 [Sobbing] 343 00:15:44,809 --> 00:15:46,510 Scarlett, come back! Your slipper! 344 00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:50,480 [Laughing maniacally] 345 00:15:58,156 --> 00:16:00,423 Oh, dad, control yourself. 346 00:16:00,491 --> 00:16:02,425 Ooh, dessert cart. 347 00:16:07,165 --> 00:16:09,133 I just can't face Duke again, 348 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,368 and I don't want you tellin' him it was me. 349 00:16:11,435 --> 00:16:13,737 Randa, honestly, it's just a little wrinkle. 350 00:16:13,805 --> 00:16:15,172 Don't be so sensitive. 351 00:16:15,239 --> 00:16:17,307 Jay, darling, didn't you try to hide it 352 00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:20,477 when you started losing your hair? 353 00:16:20,545 --> 00:16:22,713 [Speaking with British accent] Hear ye, hear ye, 354 00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:24,915 it is the decision of this critic 355 00:16:24,983 --> 00:16:27,450 that Sylvester Stallone shall be hanged 356 00:16:27,518 --> 00:16:30,154 by the neck until dead. 357 00:16:30,221 --> 00:16:32,790 Jay, take that stupid thing off. 358 00:16:32,857 --> 00:16:34,257 Leapin' lizards! 359 00:16:34,325 --> 00:16:35,692 [Growling] 360 00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:38,395 Hmm. You've got a point. 361 00:16:38,462 --> 00:16:41,699 Our last film tonight is field of dreams ii, 362 00:16:41,766 --> 00:16:43,200 with Kevin costner. 363 00:16:46,838 --> 00:16:49,907 [Man whispering] If you build it, they will come. 364 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,014 Wow! Babe Ruth! 365 00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,616 Hey, where can a fella get a hooker around here? 366 00:16:59,684 --> 00:17:01,051 Uh... Ty Cobb! 367 00:17:01,119 --> 00:17:02,953 Where's the nearest klan meeting? 368 00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:05,355 Wow! Billy Martin! You're my idol. 369 00:17:05,423 --> 00:17:06,623 [Grunts] 370 00:17:08,659 --> 00:17:09,893 Feh. 371 00:17:09,961 --> 00:17:11,428 Folks, I'm going to marry the woman 372 00:17:11,495 --> 00:17:12,996 who fits this slipper. 373 00:17:13,064 --> 00:17:15,699 Please, Scarlett, come back to me, honey. 374 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:18,035 I need you. I need you! 375 00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:19,636 [Sobbing] 376 00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:21,772 (Man) Viewer disclaimer: Duke Phillips is not himself. 377 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,540 He has been mixing nyquil and dayquil. 378 00:17:23,608 --> 00:17:24,608 And...Cut. 379 00:17:24,675 --> 00:17:26,110 Oh, it's no use. 380 00:17:26,177 --> 00:17:27,778 I'm never going to find the woman 381 00:17:27,846 --> 00:17:29,279 who fits this slipper. 382 00:17:29,347 --> 00:17:30,781 You haven't tried me. 383 00:17:35,186 --> 00:17:37,020 Doris, that was you at the ball? 384 00:17:37,088 --> 00:17:39,056 Uh... yeah. 385 00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:40,958 You're my Southern belle? 386 00:17:41,025 --> 00:17:43,127 Yes, I am, honey child. 387 00:17:43,194 --> 00:17:46,296 Duke, this is crazy. She's not from the South. 388 00:17:46,364 --> 00:17:48,198 I'm from Alabama. Mobile? 389 00:17:48,266 --> 00:17:50,267 Just barely. 390 00:17:50,334 --> 00:17:52,002 (Man) Tonight, on soft copy: 391 00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:55,773 Billionaire Duke Phillips to wed last surviving bronte sister. 392 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,674 Jay, you've got to talk to Duke. 393 00:17:57,742 --> 00:18:00,277 No. Randa made me promise I wouldn't. 394 00:18:00,344 --> 00:18:01,945 Doris isn't the one he loves. 395 00:18:02,013 --> 00:18:04,081 Just go to his house. You'll think of something. 396 00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:05,182 I don't know. 397 00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:07,184 You know, I've only been to Duke's house once 398 00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,719 and it wasn't pleasant. 399 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:11,922 All right, sherman, you've been here long enough. 400 00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,757 I'll give you the dental plan you want 401 00:18:13,825 --> 00:18:15,192 with a $50 deductible. 402 00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,760 $25 deductible. 403 00:18:16,828 --> 00:18:18,528 See you in 5 years. 404 00:18:19,630 --> 00:18:22,065 I am not going back there. 405 00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:23,400 Please, Jay. 406 00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:24,534 Please, Jay. 407 00:18:24,602 --> 00:18:25,735 (Jay's stomach) Please, Jay. 408 00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:26,837 What do you care? 409 00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:29,173 I said peas, Jay, 410 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,842 with those little pearl onions i love so well. 411 00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,443 Oh. All right. 412 00:18:43,855 --> 00:18:47,357 I am the great and powerful Duke! 413 00:18:47,425 --> 00:18:48,525 Hello. 414 00:18:48,592 --> 00:18:51,494 Jay? It's not about that dental plan, is it? 415 00:18:51,562 --> 00:18:53,997 No, no, no! I want to talk to you about Doris. 416 00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:57,367 Come with me. 417 00:18:57,435 --> 00:18:58,969 Duke, the woman you met that night 418 00:18:59,037 --> 00:19:00,470 wasn't Doris. It was... 419 00:19:00,538 --> 00:19:03,640 fiddle-Dee-Dee. I didn't know we had company. 420 00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:06,109 Doris, you're not from the South. 421 00:19:06,177 --> 00:19:08,545 I told you, I'm from Alabama. 422 00:19:08,612 --> 00:19:09,679 Tuscaloosa? 423 00:19:09,747 --> 00:19:11,281 No, I use dentu-grip. 424 00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:13,350 What am I going to do? 425 00:19:15,419 --> 00:19:17,888 I've got it! Mattress in an hour. 426 00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:19,223 Duke, where's your bedroom? 427 00:19:19,290 --> 00:19:21,524 You people never give up. 428 00:19:21,592 --> 00:19:23,560 I am not gay. 429 00:19:23,627 --> 00:19:25,195 And if I was gay, 430 00:19:25,263 --> 00:19:29,867 I would do something about that wallpaper. Plaids and florals? 431 00:19:29,934 --> 00:19:32,169 Oh, please, dukey-dukey. 432 00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:36,173 Wow. Some mattress. 433 00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,807 Mind if I try it? 434 00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:42,279 [Yelling] 435 00:19:48,686 --> 00:19:50,320 Son, you going anywhere with this? 436 00:19:50,388 --> 00:19:53,223 That was my only mattress and bedtime's in an hour. 437 00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:55,792 Going to have to call mattress in an hour. 438 00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:56,994 My plan worked, 439 00:19:57,061 --> 00:19:59,363 and with the maximum of subtlety. 440 00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:07,170 [Grunting] 441 00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:11,275 [Sighs] 442 00:20:11,342 --> 00:20:13,310 Mattress in an hour. 443 00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:14,912 [Gasps] 444 00:20:14,979 --> 00:20:16,713 Scarlett, it's you! 445 00:20:23,554 --> 00:20:25,222 But you don't mind my wrinkle? 446 00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:26,589 Hey, I was going to marry her 447 00:20:26,657 --> 00:20:27,891 and she's nothing but wrinkles. 448 00:20:27,959 --> 00:20:30,294 Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck. 449 00:20:30,361 --> 00:20:31,861 Good one, Duke. 450 00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:37,267 ♪[Bagpipes playing] 451 00:20:37,335 --> 00:20:38,902 [All exclaiming] 452 00:20:41,772 --> 00:20:43,206 [Gasps] 453 00:20:43,274 --> 00:20:44,308 Come back! 454 00:20:45,209 --> 00:20:46,743 Jay, Alice, 455 00:20:46,811 --> 00:20:50,247 I want to thank you for everything you've done. 456 00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:51,514 Me too, son. 457 00:20:51,582 --> 00:20:54,418 Anything I can do for you, you just name it. 458 00:20:54,485 --> 00:20:55,752 How about a dental plan? 459 00:20:55,820 --> 00:20:57,321 Fat chance. Guards! 460 00:20:58,222 --> 00:20:59,222 [Growling] 461 00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:00,223 Ah! 462 00:21:01,759 --> 00:21:04,761 ♪[Wedding march playing] 463 00:21:56,780 --> 00:21:58,448 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 464 00:21:58,516 --> 00:22:01,218 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 465 00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:10,927 Excuse me, the show's over. 466 00:22:10,995 --> 00:22:12,195 Get away, pipsqueak. 467 00:22:12,263 --> 00:22:13,530 That's why I love her. 468 00:22:14,698 --> 00:22:15,999 [Chattering] 469 00:22:16,067 --> 00:22:16,933 Shh.