1 00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:21,987 [Alarm buzzing] 2 00:00:22,054 --> 00:00:24,755 (Man on radio) This just in. The state of California 3 00:00:24,823 --> 00:00:28,893 has just officially changed its name to: "State of emergency." 4 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:45,610 [Ice cracking] 5 00:00:45,677 --> 00:00:47,245 [All screaming] 6 00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:48,679 [All groaning] 7 00:00:51,817 --> 00:00:53,618 ♪[Piano playing] 8 00:00:53,685 --> 00:00:54,986 [Waves breaking] 9 00:00:57,990 --> 00:00:59,257 It stinks. 10 00:01:00,893 --> 00:01:01,993 [Remote clicks] 11 00:01:11,270 --> 00:01:13,204 (Male announcer) Live from carnegie hall! 12 00:01:13,272 --> 00:01:16,074 It's the coming attractions: 10th anniversary special 13 00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:19,310 with guest stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Milton berle. 14 00:01:19,378 --> 00:01:22,480 And now, the man who's choking on a bagel backstage... 15 00:01:22,548 --> 00:01:23,915 [Choking] 16 00:01:23,982 --> 00:01:25,316 [Sputtering] 17 00:01:25,384 --> 00:01:26,951 Jay sherman. 18 00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:28,819 ♪[Orchestra playing] 19 00:01:30,889 --> 00:01:34,526 Well, hello, carnegie hall! 20 00:01:34,593 --> 00:01:36,261 [Scattered clapping] 21 00:01:38,564 --> 00:01:40,731 Welcome to my 10th anniversary show. 22 00:01:40,799 --> 00:01:44,169 Tonight, I'll be showing clips from my short-lived a.B.C. Series. 23 00:01:44,236 --> 00:01:46,904 You know why they canceled me? Politics. 24 00:01:46,972 --> 00:01:48,873 Steal some candy from the Olsen twins 25 00:01:48,941 --> 00:01:50,942 and you regret it the rest of your life. 26 00:01:51,009 --> 00:01:54,712 And now for a special clip. My crack research staff... 27 00:01:54,780 --> 00:01:56,347 Marty, he mentioned us. 28 00:01:56,415 --> 00:02:00,618 Has uncovered rare footage of my legendary interview 29 00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:02,920 with Jimmy Stewart. 30 00:02:02,988 --> 00:02:06,724 "That night in June, my old dog died. 31 00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:10,295 I laid him down and then I cried." 32 00:02:10,362 --> 00:02:11,563 [Jay snoring] 33 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,668 Uh, Jay, are... are you listening? 34 00:02:17,736 --> 00:02:20,305 Yeah, yeah. Dead dog. Very funny. 35 00:02:20,372 --> 00:02:21,573 [Snoring] 36 00:02:22,674 --> 00:02:24,275 That was pretty embarrassing. 37 00:02:24,343 --> 00:02:26,644 But not as embarrassing as Dudley Moore's performance 38 00:02:26,712 --> 00:02:30,415 in Arthur III: Revenge of the liver. 39 00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:34,085 Arthur, I'm afraid you have acute cirrhosis. 40 00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:36,053 And you have a cute little butt. 41 00:02:36,122 --> 00:02:38,356 [Laughing] 44 00:02:44,696 --> 00:02:46,831 [Laughing] 45 00:02:46,898 --> 00:02:50,301 This is very serious. You have less than a year to live. 46 00:02:50,369 --> 00:02:53,671 Oh, don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles. 47 00:02:53,739 --> 00:02:55,006 [Wheezing] 48 00:02:55,974 --> 00:02:57,208 [Laughing] 49 00:02:57,276 --> 00:02:59,010 Why, there's a piano. 50 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:03,714 ♪ I've got a liver the size of coconuts ♪ 51 00:03:03,782 --> 00:03:05,617 and you know who'd like to eat that liver? 52 00:03:05,684 --> 00:03:09,187 Anthony Hopkins, seen here in honey, I ate the kids. 53 00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:13,958 Sweetheart, have you seen Timmy, Becky and Alex? 54 00:03:14,026 --> 00:03:16,027 I haven't seen them since lunch. 55 00:03:16,094 --> 00:03:19,297 We had fava beans and a nice chianti. 56 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,931 Did you eat the kids again? 57 00:03:20,999 --> 00:03:25,336 Clarice, you don't look so well. Let me take your temperature. 58 00:03:25,404 --> 00:03:26,837 That's a meat thermometer. 59 00:03:26,905 --> 00:03:28,173 So it is, Clarice. 60 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:29,240 [Slurping] 61 00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:31,742 [Laughs] 62 00:03:31,810 --> 00:03:33,678 I tell you, this is a gold mine. 63 00:03:33,745 --> 00:03:37,315 We promise 'em a special, then just show a bunch of old clips. 64 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:41,586 I even hired nonunion cameramen. Get that camera off me! 65 00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:45,823 And here's Jack Nicholson in his sequel to wolf, entitled chicken. 66 00:03:45,891 --> 00:03:46,857 [Clucks] 67 00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:48,993 I'm warnin' you. 68 00:03:49,061 --> 00:03:52,063 A full moon does strange things to me. 69 00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:53,398 [Groaning] 70 00:03:56,168 --> 00:03:57,835 [Clucking] 71 00:04:00,673 --> 00:04:04,342 Cock-a-doodle-do, baby. Don't be scared. 72 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,412 Scared of what? You're a big chicken. 73 00:04:07,479 --> 00:04:10,415 Just for that, I'm going to peck up your wall. 74 00:04:10,482 --> 00:04:11,949 Cluck, cluck. 75 00:04:12,017 --> 00:04:13,284 [Clucking] 76 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:15,653 [Wheels squeaking] 77 00:04:20,092 --> 00:04:21,559 Hey, who are you guys? 78 00:04:21,627 --> 00:04:23,595 We are caterers. 79 00:04:23,662 --> 00:04:26,331 You're pretty heavily armed for caterers. 80 00:04:26,398 --> 00:04:27,532 We took the subway. 81 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,301 You're pretty lightly armed for the subway. 82 00:04:37,976 --> 00:04:41,078 And now, here's a clip from my short-lived variety show 83 00:04:41,146 --> 00:04:43,147 with kareem Abdul-jabbar. 84 00:04:43,215 --> 00:04:46,417 Welcome to coming attractions. I'm kareem Abdul-jabbar, 85 00:04:46,485 --> 00:04:48,286 and this is little knothead. 86 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:52,189 This is so demeaning. I have a ph.D. In film. 87 00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:56,628 Ok, Dr. knothead, why don't you sing John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt 88 00:04:56,695 --> 00:04:58,396 while I drink a glass of water? 89 00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:01,799 ♪ John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt ♪ 90 00:05:01,867 --> 00:05:04,034 ♪ that's my name, too 91 00:05:04,102 --> 00:05:05,737 I spit in the water. 92 00:05:05,804 --> 00:05:07,805 Knothead! 93 00:05:07,873 --> 00:05:11,108 ♪ Now, here's a film that really stinks, Jurassic park ii ♪ 94 00:05:11,176 --> 00:05:12,810 [screaming] 95 00:05:12,878 --> 00:05:14,312 [Roaring] 96 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,013 [Gasping] 97 00:05:16,081 --> 00:05:18,583 You can't hold a raptor in a closet. They're too smart. 98 00:05:20,118 --> 00:05:21,386 [Pounding] 99 00:05:23,455 --> 00:05:24,722 [Clicking] 100 00:05:25,957 --> 00:05:27,592 [Roaring] 101 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:31,262 You may have us but you'll never get off the island. 102 00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:34,031 I beg to differ. For, you see, the other raptors and I 103 00:05:34,099 --> 00:05:37,034 have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. 104 00:05:37,102 --> 00:05:41,773 Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd jobs under the name "Mr. pilkington," 105 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,141 but perhaps I've said too much. 106 00:05:44,209 --> 00:05:46,010 [Puffing] 107 00:05:46,077 --> 00:05:49,046 Here's a movie Stanley kubrick made after being hit on the head... 108 00:05:49,114 --> 00:05:50,715 smokey and the Spartacus. 109 00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:52,784 [Rumbling] 110 00:05:52,851 --> 00:05:56,020 Spartacus, we rigged the chariot of the centurion. 111 00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:57,822 Then let's rock 'n' roll! 112 00:05:57,889 --> 00:05:59,290 [Horses whinnying] 113 00:05:59,358 --> 00:06:01,626 ♪[Banjos playing] 114 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:05,596 Nobody gets away from centurion buford c. Augustus! 115 00:06:05,664 --> 00:06:06,964 Hyah! [Neighing] 116 00:06:07,032 --> 00:06:08,165 [Crying] 117 00:06:10,202 --> 00:06:11,669 Whoo-hoo! 118 00:06:11,737 --> 00:06:13,771 I love you, Spartacus. 119 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:16,541 And here's the new director's cut of j. F.K., 120 00:06:16,608 --> 00:06:19,210 with 8 hours of added footage. 121 00:06:19,277 --> 00:06:21,078 Back, and to the left. 122 00:06:21,146 --> 00:06:22,146 [Projector whirring] 123 00:06:22,214 --> 00:06:24,148 Back, and to the left. 124 00:06:25,217 --> 00:06:27,218 Back, and to the left. 125 00:06:28,487 --> 00:06:30,621 Back, and to the left. 126 00:06:31,623 --> 00:06:33,825 Back, and to the left. 127 00:06:35,927 --> 00:06:39,029 Back, and to the left. 128 00:06:39,097 --> 00:06:42,266 And now, for our first guest, the world's most popular actor. 129 00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:46,871 Star of the Terminator, true lies and rabbi p.I., 130 00:06:46,938 --> 00:06:50,140 the story of a Chicago cop who goes undercover 131 00:06:50,208 --> 00:06:52,610 as a hasidic Jew. 132 00:06:56,515 --> 00:06:58,148 Eat lead, rabbi. 133 00:06:58,216 --> 00:07:00,418 Sorry, that's not kosher. 134 00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:03,254 All right. 135 00:07:03,321 --> 00:07:06,924 If you are a real rabbi, circumcise this child. 136 00:07:08,927 --> 00:07:10,194 [Groaning] 137 00:07:11,229 --> 00:07:13,264 Hava nagila, baby. 138 00:07:13,331 --> 00:07:16,967 Arnold specifically asked me not to show the musical number, 139 00:07:17,035 --> 00:07:18,369 so here it is. 140 00:07:18,437 --> 00:07:23,107 ♪ Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of Clay ♪ 141 00:07:23,174 --> 00:07:25,276 ♪[drums rolling] And now, our special guest: 142 00:07:25,343 --> 00:07:28,646 ♪[Fanfare playing] 143 00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:33,250 Ladies and gentlemen, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 144 00:07:33,318 --> 00:07:34,819 ♪[Fanfare playing] 145 00:07:35,854 --> 00:07:38,890 Arnold Schwarzenegger! 146 00:07:38,957 --> 00:07:40,257 ♪[Fanfare playing] 147 00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:42,560 Arnold? 148 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,562 [Door squeaks] 149 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:48,065 Arnold's not coming. You made him cry. 150 00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:55,339 Um... Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody. Wasn't he great? 151 00:08:00,913 --> 00:08:04,916 Well, we're back, and yet another celebrity has canceled on me. 152 00:08:04,983 --> 00:08:06,651 [Crane squeaking] 153 00:08:06,718 --> 00:08:08,586 Hey, where are you taking those, anyway? 154 00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:10,387 You know the place. 155 00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:11,989 [Birds chirping] 156 00:08:14,326 --> 00:08:16,260 Later in the show, we'll have Milton berle. 157 00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:18,963 But now it's time for our tribute to women in film. 158 00:08:19,030 --> 00:08:23,000 Every year, Hollywood offers fewer and fewer choice roles for women. 159 00:08:23,068 --> 00:08:25,369 Well, sisters, I share your pain. 160 00:08:25,437 --> 00:08:27,572 In prep school, I played Joan of arc. 161 00:08:27,639 --> 00:08:30,541 Well, actually, I was just burned at the stake while wearing a dress. 162 00:08:30,609 --> 00:08:34,411 Anyhoo, our first clip features holly hunter as a young woman 163 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,616 who cannot speak and must express herself through her slide whistle. 164 00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:40,284 [Blowing whistle] 165 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,354 The time has come for us to make love. 166 00:08:43,421 --> 00:08:44,722 [Whistle rising in pitch] 167 00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:48,425 (Man) What do you think of me naked? 168 00:08:48,494 --> 00:08:49,961 [Whistle lowering in pitch] 169 00:08:50,028 --> 00:08:53,898 Recently, Tina Turner got to tell the story of her tragic marriage. 170 00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:56,634 Well, her husband ike has his own version, 171 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:58,870 what's truth got to do with it? 172 00:08:59,805 --> 00:09:01,572 Tina, I love you, 173 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:05,376 but if you need to go solo to satisfy yourself artistically, I understand. 174 00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:08,546 I more than understand! I respect you for it. 175 00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:12,449 You were the greatest lover who ever walked the planet. I'll always love you, ike. 176 00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:14,351 My work is done here. 177 00:09:14,419 --> 00:09:18,422 Now Rick James and I are going to go found the national organization for women. 178 00:09:18,490 --> 00:09:21,458 And concluding our segment on women in film 179 00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:24,729 is my legendary interview with Cher. 180 00:09:24,796 --> 00:09:25,830 You no good... 181 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,899 [Bleeping] 182 00:09:27,966 --> 00:09:29,166 [Bleeping] You, you piece... 183 00:09:29,234 --> 00:09:31,636 Kiss my white, feminine, toned and tattooed... 184 00:09:31,703 --> 00:09:33,738 [Bleeping] 185 00:09:33,805 --> 00:09:38,976 And now, I'd like to sing a special tribute to women in film. 186 00:09:39,044 --> 00:09:43,781 ♪ To all the girls I've loved on-screen ♪ 187 00:09:43,849 --> 00:09:48,586 ♪ for instance, Steven king's Christine! ♪ 188 00:09:49,721 --> 00:09:50,655 [gun cocking] 189 00:09:52,624 --> 00:09:55,259 There will be no more singing tonight. 190 00:09:55,326 --> 00:09:56,928 Thank you, God. 191 00:09:56,995 --> 00:09:59,997 I'm holding this show hostage for $10 million. 192 00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:01,899 [Gasps] 193 00:10:01,967 --> 00:10:03,267 What's gonna happen? 194 00:10:03,334 --> 00:10:05,436 Don't worry, the boss will think of somethin'. 195 00:10:05,503 --> 00:10:09,774 Now see here. I'm an American businessman. I stand by my workers. 196 00:10:09,841 --> 00:10:12,944 Just let me out. I'll get your money, and no one will get hurt. 197 00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:15,012 Very well. 198 00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,649 So long, suckers! 199 00:10:18,717 --> 00:10:19,750 [Bicycle bell ringing] 200 00:10:19,818 --> 00:10:21,285 [Laughing evilly] 201 00:10:24,556 --> 00:10:26,290 While we wait for your employer, 202 00:10:26,357 --> 00:10:28,993 I want you to entertain the crowd. 203 00:10:29,061 --> 00:10:32,763 ♪ To all the girls I've loved on-screen ♪ 204 00:10:32,831 --> 00:10:34,465 [gun clicks] 205 00:10:34,532 --> 00:10:37,868 No singing! Show some clips. They are entertaining and economical. 206 00:10:37,936 --> 00:10:41,305 Maybe we should lighten the mood with a little comedy. 207 00:10:41,372 --> 00:10:43,173 From the makers of the Brady bunch movie 208 00:10:43,241 --> 00:10:45,776 comes family affair: The motion picture. 209 00:10:45,844 --> 00:10:48,846 They got marlon Brando to play Mr. French. 210 00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:50,781 Buffy, Jody, 211 00:10:50,849 --> 00:10:54,251 for your lunch, I have made peanut butter and banana sandwiches. 212 00:10:54,319 --> 00:10:58,122 Would you make a sandwich for my doll Mrs. beasley? 213 00:10:58,189 --> 00:11:00,691 Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing. 214 00:11:00,759 --> 00:11:04,795 Of course, I can get together a sandwich for your stupid little doll. Hang on a sec. 215 00:11:04,863 --> 00:11:08,365 Now here's Clint Eastwood teaming up with an orangutan. 216 00:11:08,433 --> 00:11:12,103 Ironically, they both have served as mayor of carmel, California. 217 00:11:14,706 --> 00:11:15,973 Ooh. 218 00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:19,510 Someone's kissing me. It must be a beautiful woman. 219 00:11:19,577 --> 00:11:21,345 [Making kissing noises] 220 00:11:21,412 --> 00:11:23,547 Now I'll make sweet love to you 221 00:11:23,615 --> 00:11:26,684 while keeping my eyes closed the whole time. 222 00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,352 [Ecstatic hooting] 223 00:11:29,921 --> 00:11:31,756 Clyde! 224 00:11:31,823 --> 00:11:34,992 Next, my good friend Jeremy hawke, in crocodile Gandhi, 225 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:37,995 the story of a boozing, gator-wrestling Australian 226 00:11:38,063 --> 00:11:41,098 who became the spiritual leader of a half a billion hindus. 227 00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:42,733 Yeesh! 228 00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:45,803 I will bring peace between the hindu and the Muslim, 229 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:49,439 but first, a tasteful glimpse of my bottom for the ladies. 230 00:11:49,507 --> 00:11:53,678 Now, a classic silent comedy from the 20s... hold the mustard gas. 231 00:11:53,745 --> 00:11:56,580 ♪[Piano playing it's a long way to tipperary] 232 00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:07,958 Finally, ghostbusters III, 233 00:12:08,026 --> 00:12:11,328 featuring the foulest, most misshapen monster of all. 234 00:12:11,396 --> 00:12:13,397 Oh, my God! Save yourselves! 235 00:12:13,464 --> 00:12:16,867 New York is being destroyed by an 80-foot ed koch! 236 00:12:16,935 --> 00:12:18,635 [Footsteps pounding] 237 00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:21,305 How am I doin'? How am I doin'? How am I doin'? 238 00:12:21,372 --> 00:12:22,539 [Electricity crackles] 239 00:12:24,442 --> 00:12:26,543 [People screaming] 240 00:12:26,611 --> 00:12:28,779 Don't be scared. I'm just lookin' for a nosh. 241 00:12:28,847 --> 00:12:30,380 [Crunching] 242 00:12:30,448 --> 00:12:33,450 Hmm. I thought your boss would be back with the money by now. 243 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,353 [Laughing] 244 00:12:37,355 --> 00:12:38,488 Your bar tab, sir. 245 00:12:38,556 --> 00:12:40,357 Oh, my wallet's out in the back. 246 00:12:40,425 --> 00:12:41,826 [Running] 247 00:12:41,893 --> 00:12:42,927 [Grunts] 248 00:12:42,994 --> 00:12:46,496 Giddyup, goat! I never pay for nothin'! 249 00:12:46,564 --> 00:12:50,167 [Laughing evilly] 250 00:12:50,234 --> 00:12:53,670 (Male announcer) We interrupt fox's Sunday smutty Sunday lineup 251 00:12:53,739 --> 00:12:55,505 to bring you this special bulletin. 252 00:12:55,573 --> 00:12:58,075 Film critic Jay sherman has been taken hostage 253 00:12:58,143 --> 00:13:00,444 during the taping of his 10th anniversary show. 254 00:13:00,511 --> 00:13:03,714 Americans are glued to their t.V. Sets to learn the fate of this man, 255 00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:07,885 Jay sherman, shown here proving he's fatter than the entire band Los lobos. 256 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:11,021 We now return to Jay sherman's show already in progress. 257 00:13:11,089 --> 00:13:15,425 If our demands are not met in half an hour, we will blow up this theater. 258 00:13:15,493 --> 00:13:16,426 [All gasping] 259 00:13:16,494 --> 00:13:17,527 [Beeps] 260 00:13:17,595 --> 00:13:19,997 You can kill me, but let my audience go. 261 00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:22,532 Yeah, kill him and let us go. 262 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:26,003 No one may leave! As for you, show some more clips. 263 00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:29,140 All right, here's one I dedicate to you. 264 00:13:29,207 --> 00:13:32,810 Called scent of a jackass. 265 00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:36,747 Hoo-ha! Charlie, you pimply lil' preppie, I'm going to kill myself. 266 00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:38,315 Good. 267 00:13:38,383 --> 00:13:41,585 I mean it, you m.T.V.-Watching mama's boy. I'm gonna pull the trigger. 268 00:13:41,653 --> 00:13:43,487 Fine, if it'll shut you up. 269 00:13:43,554 --> 00:13:47,557 You're going to miss my "hoo-ha," my tangoing, my blind driving, 270 00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:48,759 my "hoo-ha." 271 00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:50,294 You said that already. 272 00:13:50,361 --> 00:13:52,596 I say it a lot. Hoo-ha! 273 00:13:52,664 --> 00:13:54,331 [Timer beeping] 274 00:13:54,399 --> 00:13:57,467 I grow tired of you, Mr. sherman. 275 00:13:57,535 --> 00:14:00,237 Fine. Why don't you introduce the next clip? 276 00:14:00,305 --> 00:14:01,571 All right. 277 00:14:03,608 --> 00:14:05,810 Like tom Hanks in Philadelphia, 278 00:14:05,877 --> 00:14:10,447 Jerry Lewis tries a dramatic role in schenectady. 279 00:14:10,515 --> 00:14:12,249 [Audience applauding] 280 00:14:12,984 --> 00:14:13,918 [Sniffles] 281 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,289 Now, could you tell me about the day you were fired 282 00:14:18,356 --> 00:14:20,324 from weintraub, meyers and mellman? 283 00:14:20,391 --> 00:14:23,160 Wine glass, mellman and schmellman? 284 00:14:23,228 --> 00:14:25,762 No, weintraub, meyers and mellman. 285 00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:29,099 Winos, shmegegi, and hasenpfeffer? 286 00:14:29,167 --> 00:14:31,035 No further questions. 287 00:14:31,102 --> 00:14:33,603 Nice lady! 288 00:14:33,671 --> 00:14:36,907 You think that was bad casting? Take a look at this. 289 00:14:36,975 --> 00:14:41,411 I do so love this cottage. I should like to live at Howard's end forever. 290 00:14:41,479 --> 00:14:44,014 You mean, Howard stern's end. I just bought the deed. 291 00:14:44,082 --> 00:14:45,149 What do you think of that? 292 00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:46,750 [Sputtering] 293 00:14:46,818 --> 00:14:48,685 Any of you girls wanna take your tops off? 294 00:14:48,753 --> 00:14:50,754 Oh, I say. 295 00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:53,423 You say, but you never do. You never put out. You're like my wife. 296 00:14:53,491 --> 00:14:57,194 That was, of course, Howard stern's end. And now... 297 00:14:57,262 --> 00:14:58,395 (Policeman) Attention, attention, 298 00:14:58,463 --> 00:15:00,297 Jay sherman! This is the police! 299 00:15:00,365 --> 00:15:01,866 Oh, thank God. 300 00:15:01,933 --> 00:15:03,667 All America is with you. 301 00:15:03,735 --> 00:15:05,769 Wow. America is with me? 302 00:15:05,837 --> 00:15:08,805 I guess that means you like me. You really like me. 303 00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:13,177 Well, I like you, too. In fact, now I'd like to give you all a big kiss. 304 00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:18,349 Mmm. Oh, yeah. 305 00:15:18,416 --> 00:15:20,584 America. 306 00:15:20,651 --> 00:15:24,421 Honululu! 307 00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:27,591 [Timer beeping] You now have 2 minutes to live. 308 00:15:27,658 --> 00:15:29,593 Good. Just enough time for some clips. 309 00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:31,962 First, Edward plungerhands. 310 00:15:32,030 --> 00:15:34,064 [Sucking noises] 311 00:15:34,132 --> 00:15:35,766 Please shoot me. 312 00:15:35,833 --> 00:15:37,701 Next, roboclapper. 313 00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:39,169 [Whirring] 314 00:15:39,237 --> 00:15:40,271 [Gun cocking] 315 00:15:40,338 --> 00:15:42,306 [Gun firing] 316 00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:44,574 Freeze, dirtbag. You're under a... 317 00:15:44,642 --> 00:15:46,110 [clapping] 318 00:15:46,177 --> 00:15:48,678 - -Rrest. Please don't do that. 319 00:15:49,414 --> 00:15:51,548 Home alone 5. 320 00:15:51,616 --> 00:15:53,083 [Woman gasping] 321 00:15:53,151 --> 00:15:55,519 We left Kevin home alone, and he's only 23! 322 00:15:56,187 --> 00:15:58,289 Ahhh! 323 00:15:58,356 --> 00:16:01,926 Keanu Reeves in the merchant of venice... beach. 324 00:16:01,993 --> 00:16:04,194 Hath not a dude eyes? 325 00:16:04,262 --> 00:16:07,298 If you prick us, do we not get bummed? 326 00:16:07,365 --> 00:16:11,135 If you poison us, do we not blow chunks? 327 00:16:11,202 --> 00:16:13,804 Here's Robin Williams as the voice of the beige fairy 328 00:16:13,871 --> 00:16:15,906 in this remake of Pinocchio. 329 00:16:19,244 --> 00:16:20,811 Oh, I just flew in from San Francisco 330 00:16:20,878 --> 00:16:23,213 and, boy, are my Judy garland records tired. 331 00:16:23,281 --> 00:16:27,251 For shame. You defiled a child's cartoon with evil thoughts! 332 00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,619 Captain, I am getting some evil thoughts. 333 00:16:29,687 --> 00:16:33,324 Evil thoughts? Spock, get that gerbil out of your pants. 334 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:38,262 Rocky vi, Texas chainsaw massacre iv. 335 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,463 [Bell dings] 336 00:16:39,530 --> 00:16:41,231 ♪[Rocky theme music playing] [Grunts] 337 00:16:41,299 --> 00:16:43,100 [Screams] 338 00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:46,370 And now, a lost classic from the later work of Orson welles. 339 00:16:46,838 --> 00:16:48,405 Rosebud. 340 00:16:48,473 --> 00:16:51,541 Yes, rosebud frozen peas. 341 00:16:51,609 --> 00:16:54,945 Full of country goodness and green pea-ness. 342 00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:59,416 Wait, that's terrible. I quit. Just a handful for the road. 343 00:16:59,484 --> 00:17:01,285 [Munching] 344 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,721 Oh, what luck. There's a French fry stuck in my beard. 345 00:17:04,789 --> 00:17:06,190 [Chomping] 346 00:17:06,257 --> 00:17:07,992 Oh, yeah. 347 00:17:08,059 --> 00:17:10,160 [Timer beeping] Well, this is it. I'm about to die. 348 00:17:10,228 --> 00:17:12,929 My life is passing before my eyes and... 349 00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:17,067 Wait a minute. That isn't my life. It's my student film. 350 00:17:17,135 --> 00:17:19,203 Enjoy. 351 00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:21,505 (Jay) L'artiste est morte, 352 00:17:21,572 --> 00:17:25,809 written, directed, edited, starring and catered by Jay Prescott sherman. 353 00:17:25,877 --> 00:17:26,910 [Sighing] 354 00:17:26,978 --> 00:17:31,048 I am prometheus sherman, the last man on earth. 355 00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:35,785 So alone. So alone. So alone! 356 00:17:35,853 --> 00:17:37,021 [Crying] 357 00:17:38,723 --> 00:17:39,723 Oh! 358 00:17:40,858 --> 00:17:44,094 ♪[Opera playing] 359 00:17:50,601 --> 00:17:52,169 [Thunder clapping] 360 00:18:00,711 --> 00:18:01,978 [Crashing] 361 00:18:02,747 --> 00:18:04,048 [Exploding] 362 00:18:06,651 --> 00:18:09,353 My darling, I've always loved... 363 00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,888 Oh, no, promotheus! 364 00:18:11,956 --> 00:18:13,057 (Jay whispering) Prometheus! 365 00:18:18,296 --> 00:18:19,329 [Beeps] 366 00:18:19,397 --> 00:18:22,832 Well, Mr. sherman, prepare to die. 367 00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:26,470 Wait a minute. If I blow up, aren't you going to die, too? 368 00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:28,072 I hadn't thought of that. 369 00:18:29,407 --> 00:18:32,276 Stop that. Stop following me. 370 00:18:32,343 --> 00:18:34,744 Hey, cut me some slack, here! 371 00:18:34,812 --> 00:18:36,813 Yay, dad! Take him with you! 372 00:18:38,516 --> 00:18:39,450 [Guns cocking] 373 00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:41,985 [Karate yell] 374 00:18:42,053 --> 00:18:42,986 [Grunting] 375 00:18:58,536 --> 00:18:59,570 [Grunts] 376 00:18:59,637 --> 00:19:01,871 Wait. Before you render me unconscious, 377 00:19:01,939 --> 00:19:03,873 I must know your true identity. 378 00:19:03,941 --> 00:19:07,478 So lithe, so nimble, master of ninjutsu. 379 00:19:08,679 --> 00:19:10,714 Oh, it's Milton berle. 380 00:19:10,781 --> 00:19:13,817 Who were you expecting, Madonna? Yeah, it's me, berle. 381 00:19:13,884 --> 00:19:15,952 Now say good night to your Uncle miltie. 382 00:19:17,255 --> 00:19:18,955 [Beeping] 383 00:19:19,023 --> 00:19:21,791 Uh, Milton, do you know how to disarm a bomb? 384 00:19:21,859 --> 00:19:24,661 Do I know about bombs? Are you kidding? 385 00:19:24,729 --> 00:19:28,198 I bombed in Cleveland. I bombed in Miami. I bombed in Newark. 386 00:19:28,266 --> 00:19:32,369 It's a piece of cake, pal. Uh, but first, I'd like to plug my new book, 387 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:35,506 more of the best of Milton berle's private joke file. 388 00:19:35,573 --> 00:19:37,274 Here's a gag for you, Jay. 389 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:41,345 I saw a movie that was so bad, people were waiting in line to get out. 390 00:19:41,412 --> 00:19:43,680 The bomb's going to go off in 5 seconds! 391 00:19:43,748 --> 00:19:45,582 And now, for my big finish. 392 00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:46,650 [Beeps] 393 00:19:46,717 --> 00:19:47,684 [Beeping stops] 394 00:19:47,752 --> 00:19:49,419 [Timer buzzing] 395 00:19:49,487 --> 00:19:51,488 Everybody run like hell! 396 00:19:51,556 --> 00:19:53,023 [All screaming] 397 00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:56,926 [Exploding] 398 00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:08,972 Well, well, Jay sherman and his band o' hooligans. 399 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,840 Did you blow up carnegie hall? 400 00:20:10,908 --> 00:20:12,742 Yes, officer O'Malley. 401 00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:15,145 Well, I'll let you off this time, 402 00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:18,515 but do it again and I'll box your ears! Now off with you! 403 00:20:18,583 --> 00:20:20,184 They're good kids. 404 00:20:21,852 --> 00:20:23,520 Great show, dad. 405 00:20:23,588 --> 00:20:25,689 I'm so glad you're safe. 406 00:20:25,756 --> 00:20:29,426 Jay, son, I'm proud of you. The ratings were spectacular. 407 00:20:29,494 --> 00:20:32,563 I was well rewarded for my cowardice and greed. 408 00:20:32,630 --> 00:20:35,265 Well, I owe it all to Milton berle. 409 00:20:35,333 --> 00:20:39,336 Did you hear about the dumb burglar? When he robs a house, he breaks 2 windows, 410 00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,405 one to get in, one to get out. 411 00:20:41,472 --> 00:20:44,408 Uh, Milton, stick to ninjutsu. 412 00:20:44,475 --> 00:20:46,810 Good night, everybody. 413 00:20:53,918 --> 00:20:55,185 [Crunching] 414 00:20:57,488 --> 00:20:58,822 [Gulps] 415 00:20:58,889 --> 00:21:00,156 [Slurping] 416 00:21:55,613 --> 00:21:57,748 (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated. 417 00:21:57,815 --> 00:22:01,318 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 418 00:22:08,893 --> 00:22:11,395 Uh, excuse me, sir? The show's over. 419 00:22:11,462 --> 00:22:13,363 But I have nowhere to go. 420 00:22:14,699 --> 00:22:15,932 [All chattering] 421 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:16,866 Shh!