[Alarm buzzing]
(Man on radio) This just in. The state of California
has just officially changed its name to: "State of emergency."
[Ice cracking]
[All screaming]
[All groaning]
♪[Piano playing]
[Waves breaking]
It stinks.
[Remote clicks]
(Male announcer) Live from carnegie hall!
It's the coming attractions: 10th anniversary special
with guest stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Milton berle.
And now, the man who's choking on a bagel backstage...
[Choking]
[Sputtering]
Jay sherman.
♪[Orchestra playing]
Well, hello, carnegie hall!
[Scattered clapping]
Welcome to my 10th anniversary show.
Tonight, I'll be showing clips from my short-lived a.B.C. Series.
You know why they canceled me? Politics.
Steal some candy from the Olsen twins
and you regret it the rest of your life.
And now for a special clip. My crack research staff...
Marty, he mentioned us.
Has uncovered rare footage of my legendary interview
with Jimmy Stewart.
"That night in June, my old dog died.
I laid him down and then I cried."
[Jay snoring]
Uh, Jay, are... are you listening?
Yeah, yeah. Dead dog. Very funny.
[Snoring]
That was pretty embarrassing.
But not as embarrassing as Dudley Moore's performance
in Arthur III: Revenge of the liver.
Arthur, I'm afraid you have acute cirrhosis.
And you have a cute little butt.
[Laughing]
This is very serious. You have less than a year to live.
Oh, don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles.
[Wheezing]
[Laughing]
Why, there's a piano.
♪ I've got a liver the size of coconuts ♪
and you know who'd like to eat that liver?
Anthony Hopkins, seen here in honey, I ate the kids.
Sweetheart, have you seen Timmy, Becky and Alex?
I haven't seen them since lunch.
We had fava beans and a nice chianti.
Did you eat the kids again?
Clarice, you don't look so well. Let me take your temperature.
That's a meat thermometer.
So it is, Clarice.
[Slurping]
[Laughs]
I tell you, this is a gold mine.
We promise 'em a special, then just show a bunch of old clips.
I even hired nonunion cameramen. Get that camera off me!
And here's Jack Nicholson in his sequel to wolf, entitled chicken.
[Clucks]
I'm warnin' you.
A full moon does strange things to me.
[Groaning]
[Clucking]
Cock-a-doodle-do, baby. Don't be scared.
Scared of what? You're a big chicken.
Just for that, I'm going to peck up your wall.
Cluck, cluck.
[Clucking]
[Wheels squeaking]
Hey, who are you guys?
We are caterers.
You're pretty heavily armed for caterers.
We took the subway.
You're pretty lightly armed for the subway.
And now, here's a clip from my short-lived variety show
with kareem Abdul-jabbar.
Welcome to coming attractions. I'm kareem Abdul-jabbar,
and this is little knothead.
This is so demeaning. I have a ph.D. In film.
Ok, Dr. knothead, why don't you sing John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt
while I drink a glass of water?
♪ John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt ♪
♪ that's my name, too
I spit in the water.
Knothead!
♪ Now, here's a film that really stinks, Jurassic park ii ♪
[screaming]
[Roaring]
[Gasping]
You can't hold a raptor in a closet. They're too smart.
[Pounding]
[Clicking]
[Roaring]
You may have us but you'll never get off the island.
I beg to differ. For, you see, the other raptors and I
have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela.
Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd jobs under the name "Mr. pilkington,"
but perhaps I've said too much.
[Puffing]
Here's a movie Stanley kubrick made after being hit on the head...
smokey and the Spartacus.
[Rumbling]
Spartacus, we rigged the chariot of the centurion.
Then let's rock 'n' roll!
[Horses whinnying]
♪[Banjos playing]
Nobody gets away from centurion buford c. Augustus!
Hyah! [Neighing]
[Crying]
Whoo-hoo!
I love you, Spartacus.
And here's the new director's cut of j. F.K.,
with 8 hours of added footage.
Back, and to the left.
[Projector whirring]
Back, and to the left.
And now, for our first guest, the world's most popular actor.
Star of the Terminator, true lies and rabbi p.I.,
the story of a Chicago cop who goes undercover
as a hasidic Jew.
Eat lead, rabbi.
Sorry, that's not kosher.
All right.
If you are a real rabbi, circumcise this child.
[Groaning]
Hava nagila, baby.
Arnold specifically asked me not to show the musical number,
so here it is.
♪ Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of Clay ♪
♪[drums rolling] And now, our special guest:
♪[Fanfare playing]
Ladies and gentlemen, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
♪[Fanfare playing]
Arnold Schwarzenegger!
♪[Fanfare playing]
Arnold?
[Door squeaks]
Arnold's not coming. You made him cry.
Um... Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody. Wasn't he great?
Well, we're back, and yet another celebrity has canceled on me.
[Crane squeaking]
Hey, where are you taking those, anyway?
You know the place.
[Birds chirping]
Later in the show, we'll have Milton berle.
But now it's time for our tribute to women in film.
Every year, Hollywood offers fewer and fewer choice roles for women.
Well, sisters, I share your pain.
In prep school, I played Joan of arc.
Well, actually, I was just burned at the stake while wearing a dress.
Anyhoo, our first clip features holly hunter as a young woman
who cannot speak and must express herself through her slide whistle.
[Blowing whistle]
The time has come for us to make love.
[Whistle rising in pitch]
(Man) What do you think of me naked?
[Whistle lowering in pitch]
Recently, Tina Turner got to tell the story of her tragic marriage.
Well, her husband ike has his own version,
what's truth got to do with it?
Tina, I love you,
but if you need to go solo to satisfy yourself artistically, I understand.
I more than understand! I respect you for it.
You were the greatest lover who ever walked the planet. I'll always love you, ike.
My work is done here.
Now Rick James and I are going to go found the national organization for women.
And concluding our segment on women in film
is my legendary interview with Cher.
You no good...
[Bleeping]
[Bleeping] You, you piece...
Kiss my white, feminine, toned and tattooed...
[Bleeping]
And now, I'd like to sing a special tribute to women in film.
♪ To all the girls I've loved on-screen ♪
♪ for instance, Steven king's Christine! ♪
[gun cocking]
There will be no more singing tonight.
Thank you, God.
I'm holding this show hostage for $10 million.
[Gasps]
What's gonna happen?
Don't worry, the boss will think of somethin'.
Now see here. I'm an American businessman. I stand by my workers.
Just let me out. I'll get your money, and no one will get hurt.
Very well.
So long, suckers!
[Bicycle bell ringing]
[Laughing evilly]
While we wait for your employer,
I want you to entertain the crowd.
♪ To all the girls I've loved on-screen ♪
[gun clicks]
No singing! Show some clips. They are entertaining and economical.
Maybe we should lighten the mood with a little comedy.
From the makers of the Brady bunch movie
comes family affair: The motion picture.
They got marlon Brando to play Mr. French.
Buffy, Jody,
for your lunch, I have made peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Would you make a sandwich for my doll Mrs. beasley?
Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing.
Of course, I can get together a sandwich for your stupid little doll. Hang on a sec.
Now here's Clint Eastwood teaming up with an orangutan.
Ironically, they both have served as mayor of carmel, California.
Ooh.
Someone's kissing me. It must be a beautiful woman.
[Making kissing noises]
Now I'll make sweet love to you
while keeping my eyes closed the whole time.
[Ecstatic hooting]
Clyde!
Next, my good friend Jeremy hawke, in crocodile Gandhi,
the story of a boozing, gator-wrestling Australian
who became the spiritual leader of a half a billion hindus.
Yeesh!
I will bring peace between the hindu and the Muslim,
but first, a tasteful glimpse of my bottom for the ladies.
Now, a classic silent comedy from the 20s... hold the mustard gas.
♪[Piano playing it's a long way to tipperary]
Finally, ghostbusters III,
featuring the foulest, most misshapen monster of all.
Oh, my God! Save yourselves!
New York is being destroyed by an 80-foot ed koch!
[Footsteps pounding]
How am I doin'? How am I doin'? How am I doin'?
[Electricity crackles]
[People screaming]
Don't be scared. I'm just lookin' for a nosh.
[Crunching]
Hmm. I thought your boss would be back with the money by now.
[Laughing]
Your bar tab, sir.
Oh, my wallet's out in the back.
[Running]
[Grunts]
Giddyup, goat! I never pay for nothin'!
[Laughing evilly]
(Male announcer) We interrupt fox's Sunday smutty Sunday lineup
to bring you this special bulletin.
Film critic Jay sherman has been taken hostage
during the taping of his 10th anniversary show.
Americans are glued to their t.V. Sets to learn the fate of this man,
Jay sherman, shown here proving he's fatter than the entire band Los lobos.
We now return to Jay sherman's show already in progress.
If our demands are not met in half an hour, we will blow up this theater.
[All gasping]
[Beeps]
You can kill me, but let my audience go.
Yeah, kill him and let us go.
No one may leave! As for you, show some more clips.
All right, here's one I dedicate to you.
Called scent of a jackass.
Hoo-ha! Charlie, you pimply lil' preppie, I'm going to kill myself.
Good.
I mean it, you m.T.V.-Watching mama's boy. I'm gonna pull the trigger.
Fine, if it'll shut you up.
You're going to miss my "hoo-ha," my tangoing, my blind driving,
my "hoo-ha."
You said that already.
I say it a lot. Hoo-ha!
[Timer beeping]
I grow tired of you, Mr. sherman.
Fine. Why don't you introduce the next clip?
All right.
Like tom Hanks in Philadelphia,
Jerry Lewis tries a dramatic role in schenectady.
[Audience applauding]
[Sniffles]
Now, could you tell me about the day you were fired
from weintraub, meyers and mellman?
Wine glass, mellman and schmellman?
No, weintraub, meyers and mellman.
Winos, shmegegi, and hasenpfeffer?
No further questions.
Nice lady!
You think that was bad casting? Take a look at this.
I do so love this cottage. I should like to live at Howard's end forever.
You mean, Howard stern's end. I just bought the deed.
What do you think of that?
[Sputtering]
Any of you girls wanna take your tops off?
Oh, I say.
You say, but you never do. You never put out. You're like my wife.
That was, of course, Howard stern's end. And now...
(Policeman) Attention, attention,
Jay sherman! This is the police!
Oh, thank God.
All America is with you.
Wow. America is with me?
I guess that means you like me. You really like me.
Well, I like you, too. In fact, now I'd like to give you all a big kiss.
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
America.
Honululu!
[Timer beeping] You now have 2 minutes to live.
Good. Just enough time for some clips.
First, Edward plungerhands.
[Sucking noises]
Please shoot me.
Next, roboclapper.
[Whirring]
[Gun cocking]
[Gun firing]
Freeze, dirtbag. You're under a...
[clapping]
- -Rrest. Please don't do that.
Home alone 5.
[Woman gasping]
We left Kevin home alone, and he's only 23!
Ahhh!
Keanu Reeves in the merchant of venice... beach.
Hath not a dude eyes?
If you prick us, do we not get bummed?
If you poison us, do we not blow chunks?
Here's Robin Williams as the voice of the beige fairy
in this remake of Pinocchio.
Oh, I just flew in from San Francisco
and, boy, are my Judy garland records tired.
For shame. You defiled a child's cartoon with evil thoughts!
Captain, I am getting some evil thoughts.
Evil thoughts? Spock, get that gerbil out of your pants.
Rocky vi, Texas chainsaw massacre iv.
[Bell dings]
♪[Rocky theme music playing] [Grunts]
[Screams]
And now, a lost classic from the later work of Orson welles.
Rosebud.
Yes, rosebud frozen peas.
Full of country goodness and green pea-ness.
Wait, that's terrible. I quit. Just a handful for the road.
[Munching]
Oh, what luck. There's a French fry stuck in my beard.
[Chomping]
Oh, yeah.
[Timer beeping] Well, this is it. I'm about to die.
My life is passing before my eyes and...
Wait a minute. That isn't my life. It's my student film.
Enjoy.
(Jay) L'artiste est morte,
written, directed, edited, starring and catered by Jay Prescott sherman.
[Sighing]
I am prometheus sherman, the last man on earth.
So alone. So alone. So alone!
[Crying]
Oh!
♪[Opera playing]
[Thunder clapping]
[Crashing]
[Exploding]
My darling, I've always loved...
Oh, no, promotheus!
(Jay whispering) Prometheus!
[Beeps]
Well, Mr. sherman, prepare to die.
Wait a minute. If I blow up, aren't you going to die, too?
I hadn't thought of that.
Stop that. Stop following me.
Hey, cut me some slack, here!
Yay, dad! Take him with you!
[Guns cocking]
[Karate yell]
[Grunting]
[Grunts]
Wait. Before you render me unconscious,
I must know your true identity.
So lithe, so nimble, master of ninjutsu.
Oh, it's Milton berle.
Who were you expecting, Madonna? Yeah, it's me, berle.
Now say good night to your Uncle miltie.
[Beeping]
Uh, Milton, do you know how to disarm a bomb?
Do I know about bombs? Are you kidding?
I bombed in Cleveland. I bombed in Miami. I bombed in Newark.
It's a piece of cake, pal. Uh, but first, I'd like to plug my new book,
more of the best of Milton berle's private joke file.
Here's a gag for you, Jay.
I saw a movie that was so bad, people were waiting in line to get out.
The bomb's going to go off in 5 seconds!
And now, for my big finish.
[Beeps]
[Beeping stops]
[Timer buzzing]
Everybody run like hell!
[All screaming]
[Exploding]
Well, well, Jay sherman and his band o' hooligans.
Did you blow up carnegie hall?
Yes, officer O'Malley.
Well, I'll let you off this time,
but do it again and I'll box your ears! Now off with you!
They're good kids.
Great show, dad.
I'm so glad you're safe.
Jay, son, I'm proud of you. The ratings were spectacular.
I was well rewarded for my cowardice and greed.
Well, I owe it all to Milton berle.
Did you hear about the dumb burglar? When he robs a house, he breaks 2 windows,
one to get in, one to get out.
Uh, Milton, stick to ninjutsu.
Good night, everybody.
[Crunching]
[Gulps]
[Slurping]
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir? The show's over.
But I have nowhere to go.
[All chattering]
Shh!