- ♪ Look up there ♪ - ♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
- ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
WOLF: Well, Dad, another day
of taking down some hard-core halibut,
the perps of the sea.
Son, I want to act like I know what you're talking about,
but it's been a long day and I just don't have the strength.
Whenever it's just the two of us on the boat,
I feel like we're a couple of TV detectives
hitting the street, and the fish are the bad boys.
Like I'm Crockett and you're Tubbs.
Or I'm Rizzoli and you're...
- Dad, watch out! - What the...
Wow, definitely a Rizzoli move, Dad.
Wait, the name on that boat.
Dad, that's the Lucey Gucey.
"The" Lucey Gucey?
You know who that boat belongs to.
BOTH: Tusk Johnson!
Okay, movie buffs, who's ready for
another Tobin Family Film Friday?
- Pizza's up. - Sweet. Popcorn?
Buttery and more buttery.
Copy that. Dad and Wolf?
- Inbound. - Perfect.
And imaginary drumroll as Tobin Family Film Friday starts
in a-three, a-two...
BOTH: Tusk Johnson's in town!
Uh-oh. Is this a warning?
(gasps) Do we need to pack our things and go on the run?
What? (Laughs) No.
You've never heard of.
The Alaskan Adventures of Tusk Johnson?
It was a hit TV show for years.
Local Alaska public access.
He's basically Dad's favorite person.
And Wolf's favorite person who isn't Dad.
I can't believe he's actually here in Lone Moose.
Word is he's been living in the woods
with a pack of wolves since his show ended.
Apparently, he's actually faster running on four legs
- than on two now. - This was a TV show that people actually watched?
Just a guy wandering around in the woods?
Hell yeah. But, oh, how he wandered.
How... he... wandered.
Okay, you know I don't like to throw around the phrase
"white nonsense," but this definitely qualifies.
The man was a legend, unmatched in the Alaskan arts.
And unmatched in kick-ass theme songs.
- Check this out. - ♪ He lives in the woods ♪
♪ And survives on the land ♪
♪ And he never met a beast that he couldn't tame ♪
♪ He'll take down a bear, fight a wolf in his lair ♪
♪ If you live in the wild then you know his name ♪
♪ It's Tusk Johnson, mountain man ♪
♪ Living in the woods just because he can ♪
♪ Tusk Johnson, mountain man ♪
♪ Did we mention that Tusk has a sidekick, Dan? ♪
Wait, I have seen this guy,
at the Russian restaurant yesterday.
According to Zoya, he's been hanging out there
every night this week, but his hair was grayer
and he had a shirt on.
I noticed him because he ordered a "soup cup of ranch,"
and I thought to myself, "Uh-huh, game recognize game."
He's been here all week? I knew there was something in the air.
I thought it was just another accident
they were covering up at the oil refinery.
But it must have been Tusk.
And he's hanging out at our very own Russian restaurant?
Dad, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- We should leave him alone. - We should go meet him.
Well, I guess it might be okay to look at him
from across the room.
Wait, Dad, it's your night to pick the movie.
Yes, and I take that role seriously, which is why
I keep this box of preapproved VHS recorded movies
for the family, ready to go in the event
of my untimely death.
Wow, we would be devastated. But the show must go on.
(sighs) Fine.
I guess we'll start the movie without you guys.
That's the spirit.
(gasps) What's Dy-nasty?
- Oh, Dynasty. - Mm.
There are a bunch in here with that written on them
in Mom's handwriting.
We'll just give it five minutes, then pop it out
and watch a real mov... (gasps)
What strange glamour is this?
Look at those office buildings.
Denver. We have to go there.
She calls to me.
Oh, hello, Wayne Northrop. And good day, John Forsythe.
- Dad, it's him. - Oh!
- Wow. - Am I crazy,
or does he have a glow?
BEEF: Oh, he's gorgeous.
- We gotta say hi. - Wait, Wolf!
(shuddering): Ha... ha...
Uh, hi?
(squeakily): Ha-ha-ha... Hi.
(high-pitched): Ha...
- (clears throat) Hi. - Hi.
- (stammering): Hi. Hi. Ha. - (clears throat) Hi. Hi...
A-Are you guys singing?
Are you, like, the male Judds?
BOTH (straining): You're Tusk Johnson.
Yes, I am. (Sniffs)
That smell, is that...
It's probably me. When I'm nervous,
my sweat smells like Cheetos and Brut for men.
No, no, this is more like oil and Damascus steel.
The kind of a scent you might give off
if you were carrying a full-tang fixed bobcat knife
with a one-piece wood handle.
Hammer-forged blade, grain leather,
with an aniline-finish sheath.
The C-17 Beast Tracker. Nice.
Uh, I have one, too. It's broken and I lost it.
Let me buy you fellas a drink. Three whiskeys.
I'll have my whiskey with a root beer back
and a Sprite chaser, and then
another Sprite, just separately.
Wait, so Adam was lying to Claudia about Blake
- the whole time? - Yeah.
He just wanted to take over her father's company.
I've learned so much about how to be an adult tonight.
There's more face slapping than I'd ever dared dream.
(all singing): ♪ Tusk Johnson, mountain man ♪
♪ Did we mention that Tusk has a sidekick, Dan? ♪
- Man, I have so many questions about the show. - Me, too.
Did you really eat all those bees,
- even though you're allergic? - You have that backwards.
Bees are actually allergic to me.
Man, it is good to meet folks
with a real enthusiasm for the wild.
That's why I came back to Alaska to shoot my new show.
- No... way. - Wait. What?!
- No... no way! - What?!
Yes way. I am making The New Alaskan Adventures
of Tusk Johnson, but I'm shooting this one myself.
- Down and dirty. - Oh, that is so cool.
Oh, man, Mr. Johnson, we didn't just watch your show.
We actually tried some of your wildest outdoor challenges.
I even rafted down some rapids on a single log, just like you.
Well, we both did it. Father and son,
side by side on the river, mounted upon logs,
each doing a good job.
Impressive. Even my sidekick Dan needed two logs
to get down the rapids.
Whatever happened to Dan? He wasn't in the last season.
Yeah. Dan. He, uh
he went behind my back, tried to get his own show.
Stole my crew, my producer and my wife.
And now I'm going through a hell of a divorce.
Bar closing. Your card declined.
Ah, man. That'll be my ex-wife
going nuts on BikiniWorld.com again.
She's never met a tankini she didn't wanna bring home.
I'll just go get some cash out. You guys hold tight.
Well, now, how about we get the drinks?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- I couldn't. - We insist.
Wow, I-I really appreciate that. Thank you.
Well, no credit card means no hotel.
- What about your boat? - It got towed,
when I left it in the wrong dock this afternoon.
So I better go find some place to dig
a nice comfy sleeping hole.
Or you can dig a nice comfy sleeping hole
- in our couch. - Don't worry.
It's not a fold-out and it's very uncomfortable.
Sounds like a dream.
Kids, did you know that Tusk once survived
a week on a mountain wearing only leaves and bark?
Wow. How'd you stop the hypothermia?
I embraced it. See this leg? It's been frostbit so much,
I can't even feel my upper thigh.
Go ahead, jam that fork in it.
- Moon, I wouldn't... - HAM: No!
- Why, Lord? - Ha-ha! Do it again, Boone.
- Hyah! - Oh, he did it again. - I can't watch.
Moon, please, let's try not to stab our guest.
You know, Tusk, if you want a great story
about living in these woods, I should tell you about the time
I crossed an ice plain in a blizzard
to return a baby caribou to its mother
after it wandered into the hospital
- while Moon was being born. - Hell of a day.
Or what about that time when I built that cabin
with my bare hands? Fell down right away.
Lucky no one was in it, but it was fun while it lasted.
Ah, sounds like you're both pretty accomplished outdoorsmen.
How about we have a friendly little competition
and see what you guys can do?
Oh, an outdoor competition
with me, my dad and Tusk Johnson?
- That's my fantasy threesome. - Babe, no.
All right, let's jump in the van and head up
- to some real untamed country. - (grunts)
Aah! Wrong leg!
All right, the first challenge is a 90-foot tree climb. And go!
Round one: Beef. Next task: Tree felling.
WOLF: Man, this is fun!
Oh, I see this round is over.
Round two: Beef. Time for the shelter build.
Aw, well, darn it, that just fell down on its own.
Round three: Wolf.
- Fishing. - Get out of here, buddy. Shoo.
I'm trying to let my son win. You understand?
- Do you have a family? - Yeah!
We got ourselves a tie.
Last round. Let's make a fire.
Oh, man, this is harder than I remember.
And Wolf wins.
Yes! In your face, Dad!
Ah, but that's enough ribbing.
- Let's move on to hugging. - Whoa.
Yeah, our hugs are pretty tender.
No, no, no, I'm talking about those.
Three golden eagle eggs. You know how much
those would go for on the rare animal black market?
- A million dollars. - 357 each. U. S. D's.
That is wildly specific.
Gotta be a way I can get those eggs.
Get the eggs? Why would you want to do that?
It's illegal, not to mention an affront
to the wilderness herself.
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I meant I was just gonna
"get" them.
You know, like, really, really understand those eggs.
- That is so deep, Tusk. - Huh.
Because it sounded for a second
like you were planning on actually taking
and selling those eggs.
Once again, Beef, you misunderstood me.
Yes, I believe I have misunderstood you.
Well, it's time we head back to the house anyway.
And you probably need to figure out
where you're gonna dig your sleeping hole tonight.
Oh, well, uh, I'm thinking it's better
if I stay with you guys tonight, because, uh,
we gotta get up early
- to start shooting the show. - What do you mean?
This was all an audition.
I want both of you to be on my show.
And I want to shoot it on your boat!
- Well, wait a minute. I'm not... - Aah! We got the parts?
- You hear that, Dad? - Yep.
I want you to be my new Dans.
Oh, wow, I can't believe I'm gonna be a Dan with my dad.
What do you say, Beef?
- Fine. - Sick!
(echoing): Sick, sick, sick, sick...
Your mom had some great stuff. I love this robe.
Yep, she loved it, too. That's what she always wore
- to parent-teacher night. - All right.
- Pop in that tape. - WOLF: Guys,
me and Dad are gonna be on Tusk's show!
Whoo-hoo, is it set in Denver?
- Uh, no. - Then we probably don't care.
Maybe you guys didn't hear me. We're the new Dans.
Ugh, if you all must continue talking,
would you kindly do it
- on the veranda? - (knock on door)
Ah, that'd be Doris, my, uh, cameraman.
We're just gonna prep for the shoot tomorrow.
A guest? Now? It's nearly 7:50.
Oh, don't worry, Beef, we'll keep it quick and professional.
Hi. You got any wine?
Or vanilla extract?
TUSK: How many times are we gonna have this argument?
DORIS: Until you get it through your thick head.
There are nine Fast & Furious movies. Nine!
- Eight. Hobbs & Shaw doesn't count. - It does.
It's called Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw.
How could that not count?
How could you say that to me?
It's true, my sister is way hotter than your sister,
- and you know it! - You're blind!
TUSK: The butt is the elbow of the back.
It's so obvious!
What's up, Tusketeers? Your old pal Tusk is back.
With Beef and Wolf Tobin, two of Alaska's top fishermen.
Wolf, tell everybody the name of this boat.
We're on The Mighty Kathleen.
It was named after my mother, who actually left my dad.
Yeah, great. Uh, Beef.
What are we looking for in these waters?
- Fish. - DORIS: Wait, wait.
- The screen's just black. - (sighs)
Damn it, Doris. Okay, let's cut.
I'm exhausted. I don't think I slept a wink last night.
Right? I was up all night with anticipation, too.
But this is so cool. Us in front of the lens, catching fish.
And Doris behind the scenes getting it all on tape.
She's dropped the camera in the water three times.
Guys, let's get a shot of Wolf using the trawler net
to pull in some fish.
Sweet. Action shot.
Hang on. We don't actually have a license
to do trawler fishing this time of year.
Ah, it's fine. Who's gonna know?
Come on, Dad, it's for the show.
This is the wild. Wild man rules.
- Tusk rules. - BEEF: On my boat,
it's my rules. Beef rules.
Uh, little help?
- Wolf! - (whimpers) My body!
(strains) Let go of the winch.
- Wolf's gonna get hurt. - He's fine.
- You okay, son? - Yeah, I'm okay.
- Thanks, Dad. - Unbelievable.
I know. We're actually gonna be on Tusk Johnson's show!
TUSK: Ol' Beef.
Hell of a day, huh?
First, never refer to me as "Old Beef."
Second, I think it's time for you to leave.
Is this about me peeing with the toilet lid down last night?
- 'Cause I apologized for that. - Who'd you apologize to?
Eh, it's just an expression. What about the show?
Tusk, be honest. There's no show.
I mean, not on TV,
but I'll probably put some stuff up online.
Can I borrow your computer?
I actually thought you were the real deal.
But it's pretty clear to me now that the man I watched on TV
all those years was just a fake.
Wha... Where am I supposed to sleep?
I don't know. But I just took out $300
from my retirement fund, which means I'll now retire
17 days later than I had planned.
And that should be enough to get you out of here
and away from Wolf.
I'll give you a minute to say goodbye to him
and get your things from the house.
Yeah, yeah. Tell Wolf I said "later," and the only thing
I left in your house was farts. You're welcome!
Well, well, well, it's time for Dynasty and yet...
(chuckles) I see no snacks.
Remind me, whose turn was it to get snacks?
You know damn well it was your turn, sister.
He's right, Judy. You've betrayed this family
- for the last time. - Guys, guys. Let's put the tape in.
We're all just on edge because we don't know
who survived the Moldavian wedding massacre yet.
Hello, everyone. It's a lovely Lone Moose evening.
What do you say we all go out
for a delicious meal as a family?
Ugh, Dad, not right now. Season six is starting.
Yeah, give us, like, 22 more hours.
Hey, Dad, have you seen Tusk?
I thought of a cool accent
I could try out for my character.
(Scottish accent): Woe betide you, lads.
'Tis halibut in them there waters.
Uh, actually, Tusk had to take off.
He mentioned something
about having to rush back to Hollywood?
For a... w-what did he say? Big-time lunch of some sort.
Really? He didn't even say goodbye.
Father, brother, please, hush up.
The Moldavian wedding massacre.
You have some nerve coming here, Tabitha.
- (all gasping) - HONEYBEE: Whose train is that?
NARRATOR (over TV): And these massive trains
carry goods and supplies throughout Alaska.
The coal car. The well car.
The tank car.
Mr. Tobin, did you tape over season six of Dynasty
or am I just going frickin'
balls-to-the-walls bonkers over here?
Ooh. Forgot I recorded this series on freight trains
- of America two years ago. - So, Tusk just left?
So there's no more Dynasty?
NARRATOR: The wood chip car. The salt car.
- The oil car. - Unbelievable.
And the caboose.
Well, let's go to this dumb dinner, then.
You better lawyer up, Dad,
'cause I'm gonna sue you into the ground for this.
Cheer up, son. I see some Jumbo Gumbo
on this menu with your name on it.
I really thought Tusk wanted me to be a part of the show.
I'm sure you have other heroes.
What about that Reginald VelJohnson?
Are the kids still into him?
I think I'm just gonna go outside and look at the stars
and think about how Tusk
is somewhere under those same stars.
(sighs) Tusk.
- What? - Aah! Tusk!
- What are you doing here? - Oh, I stash my beers out here
so I don't have to pay for them in the bar.
- Want a pull? - Uh, I'm good.
Dad said you went to Hollywood.
- Yeah. Yeah, I bet he did. - W-What do you mean?
Look I don't want to say bad things about your dad,
but he wasn't too keen on you and me working together anymore,
so he kicked me out.
- Dad lied to me? - I think he was just jealous.
He could tell I had my eye on you to be my number-one Dan.
Whoa. What number was Dan?
You know, I probably shouldn't even be talking to you.
Plus, I got to focus on this top-secret adventure
we're gonna shoot for the show tomorrow.
I mean, I'd love to tell you what it is,
but, you know, team members only.
Well, what if I want to be back on the team?
- Oh, Your dad wouldn't go for that. - (scoffs)
It's not up to my dad. I'm a grown son.
Uh, g-give me one of those beers.
- Ugh. - Oh, sorry, I was ashing in that one.
(sighs) Real life is so boring.
Where's the drama? Where are all the murders?
(scoffs) Denver would eat these people alive.
The Jumbo Gumbo's getting cold. Where's your brother?
- You mean this brother, Father? - Wolf, honey, what's wrong?
That's your "somebody ate the last Triscuit" stance.
You're right, but this time it's not about Triscuits.
It's about Dad covering up the truth-scuits.
It was you who told Tusk to leave!
- (gasping) - No.
I did. He's a reckless fraud and a bad influence.
Not to mention uncouth.
Well, I can monitor couth levels on my own from now on.
Tell him he's out of the will, Dad.
I was trying to protect you.
Protect me? You're just jealous because Tusk liked me better.
I was his number-one Dan.
(gasps) Dad and Wolf fighting over Tusk?
(chuckles) This is Alexis and Krystle
at the cotillion all over again.
Son, I don't expect you to understand.
Oh, I understand.
I understand that you hate that I beat you
in the outdoor competition.
Wolf, I let you win.
(all gasping)
God, I wish Dad was wearing pearls
so Wolf could tear them off his neck.
You wanted a truth-scuit, you got a truth-scuit!
No. No. That's bull-scuit!
He's gonna do it. This guy's about to storm out.
- (applause) - Oh wait, that was real.
I better go after him.
- Morning, Beef. - Good morning.
Um, would you mind getting Wolf for me?
Sorry, but he left pretty early with Tusk.
With Tusk? Honeybee, I need you to tell me where they went.
Tusk is a very dangerous person.
I'm sure Wolf is fine.
He just said they were going to get some eggs.
Eggs? No. No, no, no, no, no!
Uh oh, did you two have breakfast plans?
He can eat twice!
So, you actually saw the mother eagle get attacked by a bear?
Yeah, I chased him off, but the damage had been done.
Now there's no one left to take care of those eggs.
Little golden orphans.
So somebody's got to protect them.
Like when Dan and I rescued that baby wolverine.
- Remember that? - Of course.
I remember everything about Dan.
- Five, ten. Gemini. - Buddy, if you pull this off,
no one will even remember who Dan was.
All right, Doris, start the camera.
Should the log be this wobbly?
Oh, yeah, yeah. You want it wobbly.
If it's too rigid it could break.
Okay, three, two, one. Tusketeers,
meet my new Dan, Wolf Tobin, who's about to cross this log
to rescue some sweet little golden eagle eggs
from predators.
- You ready, Wolf? - Oh, uh,
- you're not coming with me? - Oh, no.
I'm gonna be here, helping the car brace the log.
(whispers): I don't want to upstage you, pal.
- This is your big moment. - Oh, thank you so much.
Go get 'em, Wolf.
Hey, Tusk? I'm thinking maybe this isn't
- (car door closes) Okay, never mind.
Who's the Dan? You're the Dan.
Who's the Dan? You're the Dan...
- Aah! - Doing great, buddy!
Keep going!
Where's Wolf and Tusk?
I'm fine, thank you. But things are a bit of a mess up there.
- What do you mean, "a mess"? - Well, Tusk is pretty drunk,
and Wolf's about to plummet to his death
and I couldn't get any service on my cell phone.
Get in!
Oh, man, this was dumb.
The only TV show I'm gonna be on now
is Dumb Guys who Died Dumb.
Wolf, I'm here. What's the status on that log, buddy?
Well, Dad, it's not good.
It seems like if I move at all,
this log is gonna fall into the crevasse.
But if I don't move at all, this log
is also gonna fall into the crevasse.
And Tusk, well, he's passed out in the Kia,
which is good, because I think if he wakes up and moves at all,
this log is gonna fall into the crevasse.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do:
I'm attaching one end of this rope to the van.
I'm gonna toss you the other end. Tie it around yourself.
That way, even if the log falls into the crevasse
which seems inevitable, based on your calculations
- you won't go with it. - Hey, Dad?
Don't talk, Wolf. Don't even move.
But I just want to say I'm sorry. You were right.
Tusk is a fraud and a thief and a user.
And, frankly, he's uncouth as hell.
Don't worry about any of that, son.
- Here comes the rope. - Yeah, I should have known he was using me.
I'm nobody special.
I just wanted to believe that he was as cool as he was on TV.
I mean, it was Tusk Johnson... Oh!
- Oh, God! Oh, the log is moving! - Oh, God! Wolf!
The log is moving! The log is moving!
- Aah! - Please tell me the rope is over your body.
Almost. Also, all the blood's rushing to my butt
and it feels crazy.
My point is I-I should have listened to you,
but I was being a real Hollywood Hank,
and now I'm up here stuck on a log,
hanging upside down over a crevasse.
So, I'm sorry.
And I love you. And I... Aah!
- Wolf! - Well, hell.
- Hey, Dad. - Hey, Wolf.
I think I hit my penis pretty bad.
But other than that, I'm okay.
You know, Dad, I don't want to be mean,
but I don't think The Alaskan Adventures of Tusk Johnson
is my favorite show anymore.
Wait, this guy had a TV show? I thought he was making that up.
About what you said up there about not being special:
Wolf, you're one of the most special people I know.
You've got a kind heart and you think the best of everybody,
even when they sometimes turn out to be absolute bull-scuit.
Thanks, Dad. You know what else I'm thinking?
I don't think Dan stole the show from Tusk.
- I think, uh... - Oh, no, Dan's definitely dead.
Yeah, he's definitely dead.
BEEF: All right, Tobins,
who's ready for another
Tobin Family Film Friday?
Oh, and what is this?
(gasps) Dad? No way.
Dynasty season six?
Six through nine.
Dad, I love you again.
FYI, babe, we're honeymooning in Denver.
Sweet! I hear it's a very bikeable city.
Perfect for lovers.
I don't think I'll be taken in by Dynasty
the way the rest of you were, but...
Oh, my word, who is that gentleman?
And what a handsome bank.
♪ He lives in the woods and survives on the land ♪
♪ He never met a beast that he couldn't tame ♪
♪ He'll take down a bear, fight a wolf in his lair ♪
♪ If you live in the wild then you know his name ♪
♪ It's Tusk Johnson, mountain man ♪
♪ Living in the woods just because he can ♪
♪ It's Tusk Johnson, mountain man ♪
♪ Did we mention that Tusk has a sidekick, Dan. ♪
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.