Oh.
Thank you.
There we go.
Do it properly.
Cheers.
Bill.
Mick Hucknall.
- Oh, dear. - Oh, man.
Hey, this is fun. It's been a good night so far.
Yeah, it's been really good, yeah.
Yeah, I'll be honest, when Julie suggested we get together I was like, "No."
You know, I get set up a lot by friends, and it never works out.
- Tell me about it. Me too. - I hate dates, usually.
They should call dates "spend some time with a big fat loser".
- But this has been brilliant. - Hey, um...
I was thinking, afterwards, maybe you'd like to come back to my place?
- We could listen to the Jamie Cullum album. - Maybe, yeah.
Yeah, that'd be really nice, actually.
Great.
Let me guess. Um...
You're a red wine person.
- Yes. Yes, I am. - Oh! I would be too,
if we could get some service round here! Yeah, you, Hucknall.
When you're Simply Ready.
Unbelievable.
Oh, I should say, I don't really like sharing.
So you get what you want, I'll get what I want, we'll leave it at that.
I just think it's a lot less confusing.
- Sure, sure. Did you say Jamie Cullum? - Yeah.
Yeah, I hate Jamie Cullum.
"Oh, and just to say, I don't really like sharing."
With the rising inflection and everything. In a tapas restaurant, he doesn't like sharing.
- What the heck is tapas? - You know tapas. Tiny food from Spain.
- Oh, yes. Tay-pas. - Yeah, that's not how you say it.
Yes, it is.
You're a tape-ass.
What else? What else?
What else? Oh, God, you should have seen him with the waiters.
- Rude? - Unbelievable!
Oh, yeah. I used to work as a waiter.
If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
Oh, my God. Before you brought it to their table?
No, after.
Of course, before. Why would I do it after?
Well, do you think they did that to him?
OK. Well, while he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing?
Like, in the kitchen area?
Yes! Yes, I did, actually. Yes, I did.
- That'll be trouser food. - Oh, God!
- Probably a good thing you weren't sharing. - Ugh! My God!
I could have saved you the trouble. That guy's famous. He's a mouth.
They call him "The News", cos he's always talking about who he slept with.
Well, I would honestly rather sleep with a rat. Literally.
You know, the thing I cannot understand, yeah?
This is a man Julie on fifth thinks is perfect for me. I mean, what was she thinking?
- Wait a second. Who do you know on fifth? - Why?
- What was the name? Was it Judy or Julie? - Why do you need to know?
No reason.
Lots of nice-looking girls on fifth. Looking for an in, are we?
An in? No, thank you. No.
Don't use my name to start leching around on fifth.
For your information, I do not lech.
I have a little more class than that, thank you very much.
- Post. - Thank you.
Oh, no, this is wrong. A lingerie catalogue for a Cathy Morganforman.
Um, I'll make sure that Cathy gets it.
I don't know any Cathy Morganforman. Who's Cathy Morganforman?
Uh, Cathy works in, uh... Cathy works in the department of, uh, shaloopest.
- Department of what? - Excuse me. That's my phone ringing.
- I didn't hear anything. - It's on vibrate.
Hello? Hello, Cathy.
Yes, your parcel did arrive. I'm keeping it here safe for you.
No problem at all, Cathy Morganforman.
- If he comes by... - Right, if who comes by?
- The News. - Yes, right.
If he calls, just tell him something.
- Leave it with me. - Great.
Although I should say, I'm not very good at lying.
- I'm very good at lying. - I thought you were on the phone.
Yeah, I am.
Yes, I'm fine...
Hello?
Listen, Moss, you're not going to court, yeah? Just tell him something.
Yeah, it's just I've never been very good at judging the scale of the lie.
- Stop overthinking. - I'm not good at it.
- You're getting in a tizz. - When I was a child, I told a whopper...
Just tell him I'm busy!
You're busy.
That's brilliant.
Just don't let him in here under any circumstances.
No. You're busy.
What was the name of that girl that Jen knows? Was it Julie or Judy?
Yes. One of those.
OK. I'm just going to go for a lech on fifth.
Yeah.
Look, I told you, she's busy.
Hey, back off, buster. This lady's busy.
Too busy for you.
Busy. Brilliant.
- Hello? - Hello.
I'm just looking for Jen.
I'm afraid Jen can't see you at the moment, she's very busy.
- Is she? - She's a busy Miss Lizzie.
Goodbye.
- What's she doing? - She's doing fine.
Not "how's she doing?", what's she doing?
Uh...
- Is she in here? - No.
- I'll just give her these. - Don't give her them. She won't like them.
- She won't mind. It's not a problem. - She will. It is.
- Look, why can't I go in? - Because she's dead.
- What? - Yeah, she's dead.
She... She... She died.
She died last night.
She died?
Yeah. Completely.
Oh, God!
I... I just can't believe it.
Well, I'd hardly make up something like that, would I?
No. No, of course not.
Oh, God.
Well, she was a bit off at the restaurant.
I mean, was it the food? The tapas? Do they know?
Tay-pas. I don't know.
Yes, it was. Why not? Yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, I know it's terrible, but thank God we weren't sharing.
- I just can't get over it. - Yeah, well, we all have to go sometime.
It's terrible, it's just terrible.
It's bloody awful.
I mean, she was so beautiful.
She was some piece of ass.
Anywho, can't mourn all the ruddy day, so...
You know...
I was the last person to sleep with her.
Really? She said that...
What?
She said she was looking forward to sleeping with you.
I can't believe he lied like that.
Doesn't he realise that lying can lead to very serious ramifications?
Hello?
Hello.
I'm Roy.
IT.
My boss has assigned me to take on any work that you might want done,
personay-ly.
Personal... personally.
Basically, if you want to...
just take my card.
And, um...
if you need anything done, to your computer,
just give me a buzz, on the phone.
It's my mobile phone, so you won't have to go through all that call-waiting palaver.
- OK. Thank you, Roy. - You're weloome, Judy.
Oh, I'm not Judy, I'm Julie.
Judy?
Someone to see you.
This man says you're to take his card.
- The girl from IT? That's terrible. - I know. Terrible. Terrible thing.
You know, I was actually the last person to sleep with her.
- Very sudden, yes. - I hear it was some bad tapas.
Tay-pas. Yes.
- You must be stunned. - I'm flabbergasted.
Well, you know where we are if you need us.
Sure. I... I'll be fine, thanks.
Just sort of stay away from this whole area while we come to terms with the loss.
Leave me now. I would be alone.
Oh, God!
Oh, my... Oh!
Good lech?
No!
The girl... Oh, my God. The girl, Judy?
She's, um... Have you seen this girl?
- What's she like? - Well, she has hair on her eyes.
- Who has hair on their eyes? - Not you.
No.
I'm going for coffee. Anyone want anything?
- Yeah, I'd like a... - No? OK. Bye.
- Hello? - Hello?
Um... Hello, Judy. What can I do for you?
- Computer's broken. - Is it a PC or a Mac?
Yes.
- Well, what's wrong with it? - Broken down.
Yeah, broken down how, Judy?
- Bing-bong noise. - Bing-bong noise.
What's the precise nature of the problem?
Email.
Judy, the battery on my phone is...
- Look at this. - What?
How nice is this?
I just got a big load of flowers and a big card,
and everyone has signed it.
"You will always be in our hearts."
My God, and you said they weren't nice here?
Yeah.
I don't understand why they've done this.
Why? I'll tell you for why.
It's because everyone thinks you're brilliant.
- Really? - Yeah.
And in fact, everyone thinks you're so brilliant, they've just made you employee of the month.
- No! - Yes.
- No! - Yes!
- No! - Yuh-huh.
- I don't believe it. - Please believe it.
Oh, my God! Oh!
I didn't even know they had employee of the month here.
- No, they brought it in just for you. - Wow!
I'm gonna go up and thank everybody right now.
- No, don't do that. - What? Why not?
They'll be embarrassed.
It's embarrassing being thanked.
Don't be silly.
Events seem to be taking a downward turn.
I told you, stop calling me at work!
- Oh, it's the beautiful Jen. - Hello, Small Paul.
Didn't I hear you...? I thought you were sick, or something.
Sick? Me? No. I couldn't be better.
I've just won employee of the month.
So, uh... You going my way?
Don't you dare go too fast. No. No!
Not that fast!
Just hard to get your head round, you know?
One minute she's there, and next minute... she's gone.
You know, um... I was the last person that slept with her, actually.
She held on so tightly, you know. It was like... It was scary.
But sexy scary, you know? It was just like...
Jen?
Was that...?
What are you still doing here, Bill? For God's sake, go home.
- He was the last person to sleep with her. - I know.
Apparently she was pretty hot stuff.
- Bye, Small Paul. - Bye, Jen. See you.
Ooh.
Oh, dear. Oh, lor.
Oh!
At this dreadful hour, we're all reminded how brief our time is here on Earth.
- Sorry, who was it who died? - I don't know.
I believe Mr Reynholm has a few words.
There's one more angel in heaven.
Ahh!
God, I miss Jen.
She reminded me of me at her age.
I mean, when I was her age, she reminded me of her age.
She reminded me of my age at her age.
When I was her age, she was reminded of me...?
I grew to like Jen.
And that enlikening of her became a friendship.
A friendship which ended so suddenly, just 12 hours ago.
After what I gather was a rather sensational evening with Bill Crouse.
Bill, you dog! Mm!
Where is he? Still cleaning himself off.
She was special.
So special, in fact, that when I called my close personal friend, Elton John,
and told him about her,
he dropped everything and offered to come here and perform for us.
You heard me. He's in the building.
Elton John is going to sing a beautiful song about death.
Oh, my God. This is so... so lovely.
Thank you so, so much. Thank you.
Oh, God!
Could I say a few words?
Oh, my God!
Thank you so, so much.
I would... I would not be standing up here today if it wasn't for so many people.
Not least my dad. Without him...
- Hey, she isn't dead! - Yeah.
Boo! Hiss!
You lying cow!
Boo!
We want Elton.
We want Elton!
OK. If that Judy woman comes down, I don't work here, you've never seen me,
just make up something, just get rid of her.
She's easy to spot. She has three rows of teeth.
Listen, if I needed to get out of the country very, very cheaply,
how would I go about doing that?
Hiya.
What did you say about me?
Hello there, Jen. I would love to stay and chat,
but I've just received a telephone call saying that my father has just killed someone,
which I need to attend to.
Did you tell everyone I was dead?
Maybe.
Because they all thought I was dead.
Uh...
- Don't kill me! I know something! - What? What do you know?
- Bill Crouse. He's saying you slept with him. - He's saying what?
He thinks you're dead, so he's telling everybody you slept with him.
He's the one you should be angry at, not me. I'm insignificant.
Bastard!
Voicemail.
Hey. It's Jen.
Stop telling everyone I slept with you, you bastard!
Must have gone home.
Oh, God, my throat hurts.
Well. It's probably all that shouting.
I'm talking, aren't I?
Can you get me his address?
Um, yes. It might be a bit difficult, I have to hack into his private company account.
It might take some time.
There we go.
Oh...
Oh, I really don't feel very well.
Well, you look terrible.
I'm still talking, aren't I?
You have one new message.
Hey. It's Jen.
Stop telling people I slept with you, you bastard!
Where Roy?
Roy's dead.
No. No! Don't break down. Don't break down! You bitch!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Bloody hell.
I don't even know what any of this does. Oh, my God, it's bloody hopeless!
I don't know what it means!
Come on, come on. Ritchley Street, Ritchley Street.
Thank God. OK. Um...
Right.
It was, uh, probably the guys. Probably the guys.
Leaving a message, funny message. Probably Bob.
It's Bob, leaving funny messages. And, uh...
And a floating head.
It's just stress. I'm a bit stressed, is all.
And just fun and games, and...
Oh, God!
- Let me in. Let me in, Bill! - No!
It's raining. Please, let me in.
- You're never coming in. - Stop telling people I slept with you.
I will! I will! I'm sorry.
You bastard!
Oh, God, I'm sorry!
You bastard!
# Small Paul, you're gone now
# You pushed that trolley a little too hard
# You felt the twinge, it was your heart
# And you're dead now
# Dead now
# And though you were only four feet eleven
- Did you know him? - No.
# You're no longer around
I don't think that's Elton John.
# We're all the same height
# When we're lying down
Paul Burns