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Hey!
I just won 45O quid playing poker.
- Well done. - Saw that one coming, Mikey 73.
That's my rent sorted this month. Ooh, and I can buy that new...
Oh, no, I've lost it all again.
- (clears throat) Jen? - Oh, Philip. Hello. Hi.
This is Philip from six. This is Moss and Roy.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hiya.
So, what brings you to my lair?
Not that I'm some sort of animal.
Or... or maybe I am.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Oh, um, I was just, uh, wondering if, uh, you, um, had the latest Heat.
Ha. Yes, yes, there it is.
Thanks. And... Sorry about this, I don't suppose maybe...
you'd like to come to the theatre tomorrow night? Maybe? Or?
I'd be delighted.
- He means me, Moss. - He was looking at me.
- No, he wasn't. - I think he was.
- You're not even in his eye line. - Philip, who are you talking to? Me or Jen?
- Do you like the theatre? - Never been.
But I've, uh... I've always liked the idea of the theatre -
the smell of the grease, the roar of the paint.
I've often thought if I hadn't ended up in computers,
I would have gone into the theatre.
- But you've never been to see a play? - No.
Why not?
Never had the interest.
- Are there any famous people in it? - No.
It's a pass from me, then, thank you.
- You haven't been invited anyway. - Oh, wait. Uh, Laura Knightly's in it.
Laura Knightly from The Bill?
She's gorgeous. You know what?
I will come, Philip, thank you.
There's no invitation. Show me the invitation.
I guess you could come too. I know people in the show, so tickets aren't a problem.
- Great. That's settled, then. - Right.
Well, I'll give you a call later, then, give you the details. How's that?
That is perfection itself, Philip. Thanks for coming down, man.
Catch you later.
That could have been a date there.
Now it's a...
work outing.
- Sorry, I nearly forgot the Heat. - Oh, yes.
It's, uh... That's... Um...
(Jen sighs)
Ahh.
What?
He actually did want to borrow the copy of Heat.
- So? - Well, it's just... you know.
- Huh. No, I don't. What? - I'm just surprised.
Why?
It's just I don't know many heterosexual men who read Heat.
Huh. What, he's gay just because he reads Heat magazine?
Um, well, he's either gay or a woman in her early twenties.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Why else would he ask me out on a date?
Are you sure he meant it as a "date" date?
Are you sure you're not going along as his gal pal?
If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, the answer is yes, he is gay.
- How do you know? - Oh, everyone knows.
And what's more, he's been gay since Wham!
We're talking about Philip.
- He borrowed Heat. - He borrowed Heat? Ooh, la la.
And he "knows people in the theatre".
That's not a euphemism. He actually does know people in the theatre.
Anyway, it's a date, I'm sure it is. Why else would he ask me out?
Well, don't take this the wrong way, but could he have thought you were a man?
- Let's get a taxi. - It's a ten-minute walk.
No, I don't like walkin'.
Why don't you just not come? You wouldn't have to walk anywhere.
I won't spoil your romantic evening with the gay man.
- He's not a gay man. - He reads Heat.
- Hey, where are you lot off to? - Oh, look. Richmond's still alive.
- We're going to the theatre. Want to come? - Oh, no. No, thank you.
- And you shouldn't go either. - Why not?
An ill wind is blowing.
Last night I was stirred from my slumber by a crow calling three times.
Caw.
Well, you know what a crow sounds like. Passing to my window,
I trod on a piece of Lego. Oh, it went right in the heel.
Turning on my television set, I noticed the reception wasn't great.
Not terrible, just not great.
Hear me well - no good can come of your trip to the theatre tonight. No good at all.
And if you ask me...
That's just bloody rude.
Where's my Heat?
A gay musical called Gay!.
That's quite gay.
Gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay?
This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.
It's got some pretty good reviews.
"The story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years."
"Warning - includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
Ugh! No!
It's set in the '8Os.
"Graphic homoeroticism." Does that mean they're gonna get them out?
- Not comfortable with your sexuality? - I'm very comfortable with mine.
I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.
Oh, look, there's Philip.
Oh, look, he's leching at that lady.
Thank God for that. He's just an ordinary ignorant man.
- Oh, hey. You're already here. - Yes.
What are we doing, Roy? This isn't us. It takes place in the past.
Forget the play. Philip knows the cast.
It's all about the backstage party afterwards. Those things are great.
You go up to everyone, tell them they were brilliant, and it's free white wine all night.
And besides, I really wanna meet Laura Knightly.
Hey, the guys. Wow!
Looks great, doesn't it?
Right, we should really pick up our tickets.
I know someone who gets the tickle.
- Sorry, I love doing that to him. - (Philip) Hey!
This is Jerome. He does publicity for the show. He got us our tickets.
- Oh, great. Thanks. - This is Jen, and Moss, and Roy.
- Hello, hello. - Hello. How's it going?
Oh, my God, you're Irish. I love Irish people.
They're just mad, aren't they? They're just mad.
- We're all insane, yeah. - Well, you'll luv dis.
It's groit crack.
- I'm mad for crack. - (bell rings)
OK, well, quick, everyone. Show's about to start.
I hope Laura Knightly isn't gonna be dressed up like Toyah or something.
Who is she in The Bill again?
She plays that heroin addict that gets stabbed in the face.
- Oh, she is lovely. - Isn't she lovely?
- Oh, God, here we go. - It might be all right.
Yeah. How bad can it be?
(grand musical introduction)
Welcome to the United...
Queendom!
(dance music)
Brilliant.
"The United Queendom"? He can't say that. Can he?
# Today's the day the homophobes
- # Get their arses kicked - Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah, kick their arses!
# I'm a friend of Dorothy, I'm a friend of Dorothy
# She is my friend
This is insanely brilliant.
# Hold my hand
# No
# That's not my hand
# Willies, willies, I love willies
# I love willies
OK, I'm completely satisfied.
Don't leave. It's rude.
It's too gay for me. Thought I could handle it, but I can't.
- It'll be the interval soon. - Well, I'm captivated, Roy.
- Calm down. At least it can't get any worse. - (applause)
All right, get them house lights up. Let's have a look at you.
You wearing that shirt for a bet?
Audience participation. Go, go, go.
Ooh, what have we here?
Hello.
So, tell me, who wears the trousers in this relationship?
What? Oh, right. No, we're not homosexuals, we're just very good friends.
- So you never had a look? - At what?
His bum!
I've seen it, um, when he squatted in front of my desk,
or should he bend over to pick something up.
I'd love to work in that office.
Oh, there's nothing sexual going on.
I do like Roy, but I'm not "curious".
What were you engaging