1 00:00:31,061 --> 00:00:34,118 Space. What is it? 2 00:00:34,227 --> 00:00:37,540 The simple answer is, we don't know. 3 00:00:37,549 --> 00:00:40,342 Or at least, we didn't know until now. 4 00:00:40,351 --> 00:00:42,184 Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm. 5 00:00:42,193 --> 00:00:45,586 And I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding 6 00:00:45,595 --> 00:00:49,428 of what space is than any scientist living today. 7 00:00:49,437 --> 00:00:52,791 Where did I gain these insights? From this man. 8 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:56,797 The founder of Spaceology, Beth Gaga Shaggy, no relation 9 00:00:57,479 --> 00:01:02,757 to either Lady Gaga or Shaggy, is the founder of Spaceology. 10 00:01:02,766 --> 00:01:05,159 A religion, not a cult. 11 00:01:05,168 --> 00:01:07,200 In other words, when it comes to space, 12 00:01:07,209 --> 00:01:09,642 he's the man with his head screwed on tight. 13 00:01:09,651 --> 00:01:13,649 This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago. 14 00:01:13,770 --> 00:01:17,772 Space is invisible mind dust and stars are but wishes. 15 00:01:19,013 --> 00:01:21,050 I mean, think about that! 16 00:01:21,059 --> 00:01:24,012 That means every star you can see in the night sky 17 00:01:24,021 --> 00:01:26,373 is a wish that has come true. 18 00:01:26,382 --> 00:01:28,094 And they've come true 19 00:01:28,103 --> 00:01:31,457 because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. 20 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:35,463 Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles 21 00:01:36,065 --> 00:01:38,101 of star maths and wishy thinking. 22 00:01:38,110 --> 00:01:42,108 If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres 23 00:01:42,950 --> 00:01:44,586 all over the UK. 24 00:01:44,595 --> 00:01:46,867 If that doesn't convince you, 25 00:01:46,876 --> 00:01:50,874 well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want. 26 00:01:53,236 --> 00:01:56,033 Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! 27 00:01:56,042 --> 00:01:58,635 How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around? 28 00:01:58,644 --> 00:02:02,278 Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around. 29 00:02:02,287 --> 00:02:04,228 Well, I'm glad you like the website, Mr Reynholm, 30 00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:05,820 I did spend quite a lot of time on it. 31 00:02:05,929 --> 00:02:09,442 It's brilliant, and well worth every penny of the £50. 32 00:02:09,451 --> 00:02:11,604 £100... Didn't we say £100? 33 00:02:11,613 --> 00:02:14,366 I never would have agreed to that. 34 00:02:14,375 --> 00:02:18,368 Ah, Jen! Guess who wanted a helicopter this time last week 35 00:02:18,377 --> 00:02:22,375 and now, thanks to Spacestar Ordering, has one? 36 00:02:22,496 --> 00:02:23,972 You? 37 00:02:23,981 --> 00:02:27,979 I'll give you a clue-- It ain't these chaps! 38 00:02:28,981 --> 00:02:30,457 You? 39 00:02:30,466 --> 00:02:33,258 You're a sceptic, Jen. You should be more like these. 40 00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:36,821 They can't get enough of my Spacestar Ordering story. 41 00:02:36,830 --> 00:02:40,828 Yes, yes, I noticed you've been coming down here a lot more often 42 00:02:40,909 --> 00:02:42,945 because of all the questions. 43 00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:46,627 So, Mr. Reynholm, how did the cosmos grant you a helicopter? 44 00:02:46,636 --> 00:02:49,910 Well, I visualised the thing I wanted. 45 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,672 In my case, it was a helicopter. I drew a picture of the helicopter 46 00:02:53,681 --> 00:02:57,515 on a piece of paper, then I stood with my back to space, 47 00:02:57,524 --> 00:03:01,317 threw the paper over my shoulder and wished really hard. 48 00:03:01,326 --> 00:03:03,661 But, when you say that you stood with your back to space... 49 00:03:03,687 --> 00:03:05,768 - Yes. - ...how exactly did you achieve that? 50 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:08,403 I waited till night time. 51 00:03:09,012 --> 00:03:10,844 Of course. 52 00:03:10,853 --> 00:03:13,766 Couple of days later, bought myself a helicopter. 53 00:03:13,775 --> 00:03:15,887 Explain that one, if you can! 54 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:19,650 I wish the cosmos would make it slightly harder to find our office. 55 00:03:19,659 --> 00:03:21,971 Don't worry, Jen, you'll get your wish, 56 00:03:21,980 --> 00:03:25,978 just as I one day, I'll get my robot hand. 57 00:03:26,659 --> 00:03:29,817 Scientific mind, believes in Spacestar Ordering. 58 00:03:29,826 --> 00:03:33,823 Who's getting the robot hand first? 59 00:03:36,986 --> 00:03:38,586 Hey, you're still up for tonight, right? 60 00:03:38,611 --> 00:03:40,264 I'll go if Moss goes. 61 00:03:40,273 --> 00:03:44,270 Sorry, Jen. I find music confusing and annoying. 62 00:03:44,351 --> 00:03:47,148 Roy invited me to a gig once. I didn't really enjoy it. 63 00:03:47,157 --> 00:03:50,390 You went to the wrong address. You went to a swimming pool. 64 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,152 Are you sure it's not swimming pools 65 00:03:53,161 --> 00:03:56,875 that you find confusing and annoying? 66 00:03:56,884 --> 00:03:58,516 You're right. 67 00:03:58,525 --> 00:04:02,078 It's not music I hate, it's swimming! 68 00:04:02,087 --> 00:04:06,085 You know what? I will come, Roy. 69 00:04:13,571 --> 00:04:16,973 Where's Moss? I can't believe he's missing out on this. 70 00:04:17,774 --> 00:04:19,376 Where are they? 71 00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:28,860 I'm going to have to go dance at the front. 72 00:04:28,885 --> 00:04:31,178 Aren't you a bit old for the front? 73 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,699 I'm 31! 74 00:04:32,708 --> 00:04:36,706 Good for you, mate! 75 00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:49,634 Careful! My foot! 76 00:04:50,036 --> 00:04:53,133 You chill out, man! 77 00:04:55,724 --> 00:04:57,121 Jesus! 78 00:05:23,338 --> 00:05:25,895 Get out of town! You hooked up with someone from the band? 79 00:05:25,904 --> 00:05:27,816 - Wow, who was it? - Norman. 80 00:05:27,825 --> 00:05:30,058 Norman? Oh, he's the drummer, right? 81 00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:32,560 The keyboard player. 82 00:05:32,669 --> 00:05:35,162 The keyboard player? 83 00:05:35,471 --> 00:05:36,462 OK. 84 00:05:36,471 --> 00:05:38,183 What? 85 00:05:38,192 --> 00:05:39,224 No, it's just... 86 00:05:39,233 --> 00:05:41,826 The keyboard player? Really?! 87 00:05:41,835 --> 00:05:43,067 Yeah. What? 88 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:46,309 It's just he's a bit geeky, isn't he? I didn't think he was your type. 89 00:05:46,318 --> 00:05:49,191 Jen's going out with a geek! 90 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,033 Are you sure it's not just because he's in a band? 91 00:05:52,042 --> 00:05:55,155 Yes. I really am that shallow, Roy! 92 00:05:55,164 --> 00:05:56,716 I know you are. 93 00:05:56,725 --> 00:05:58,677 Yeah, I'm that shallow. 94 00:05:58,686 --> 00:06:01,159 You are, though. I mean, you really, really are. 95 00:06:01,168 --> 00:06:03,240 Look, I like him. 96 00:06:03,249 --> 00:06:07,247 He doesn't say a lot, he's more of a thinker. I think he's really cool. 97 00:06:07,648 --> 00:06:10,845 It's because he's in a band! Oh, flippin' hell. 98 00:06:10,854 --> 00:06:12,046 Is this your back again? 99 00:06:12,055 --> 00:06:14,568 When did mosh pits become so unruly? 100 00:06:14,577 --> 00:06:16,449 I told you, you should get a massage. 101 00:06:16,458 --> 00:06:18,811 Oh, I've never enjoyed having massages. 102 00:06:18,820 --> 00:06:21,693 I don't like being naked in front of strangers, 103 00:06:21,702 --> 00:06:25,699 and I can never relax if I think someone might play Norah Jones. 104 00:06:26,821 --> 00:06:30,258 Who wants to hear another Spacestar Ordering success story? 105 00:06:30,267 --> 00:06:31,939 Oh, wait, wait! Yeah, yeah. 106 00:06:31,949 --> 00:06:34,501 OK, OK. 107 00:06:34,510 --> 00:06:36,062 Go! 108 00:06:36,071 --> 00:06:40,069 Last week, I decided I wanted to learn how to do tattoos. 109 00:06:40,310 --> 00:06:41,826 So, I did the business. 110 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,747 Bought a book on tattoos, read it, 111 00:06:43,756 --> 00:06:46,429 and now I know how to do tattoos. Look! 112 00:06:46,438 --> 00:06:48,471 My helicopter! 113 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,192 Oh, that's brilliant. 114 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:51,172 Let me see it... Ow! 115 00:06:51,181 --> 00:06:54,034 What the bloody hell's wrong with you? 116 00:06:54,043 --> 00:06:55,555 I have a really bad back. 117 00:06:55,564 --> 00:06:57,437 You should see a masseuse. 118 00:06:57,446 --> 00:07:00,078 Don't see a masseuse! 119 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:04,085 They're the biggest con of the 20th century. 120 00:07:04,126 --> 00:07:08,128 I had a bad back, and I cured it, thanks to the techniques outlined 121 00:07:08,889 --> 00:07:12,891 in this groundbreaking expose of the massage industry. 122 00:07:19,577 --> 00:07:22,013 Go like this. 123 00:07:22,022 --> 00:07:23,855 And push your back up. 124 00:07:23,864 --> 00:07:25,976 Oh, for fuuu...! 125 00:07:25,985 --> 00:07:28,338 That's worse! That's way worse. 126 00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:29,698 It's terrible, isn't it? 127 00:07:29,707 --> 00:07:31,580 You told me that would make it better! 128 00:07:31,589 --> 00:07:35,586 No, no, no! That's how I originally injured my back. 129 00:07:42,376 --> 00:07:43,148 You all right? 130 00:07:43,157 --> 00:07:45,989 Yeah, feels so much better already! 131 00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:48,671 So that's why I ended up joining the parachute regiment. 132 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,353 Ah, yeah, the Paras. 133 00:07:51,362 --> 00:07:54,035 That's the one I would have joined. 134 00:07:54,044 --> 00:07:57,157 But you know, fear of heights... 135 00:07:57,166 --> 00:07:59,278 Were you in the army? 136 00:07:59,287 --> 00:08:03,285 No. 137 00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:09,205 Right, I have to do a bit of work on your thighs. 138 00:08:09,214 --> 00:08:13,212 Hey, you do what you need to do. 139 00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:23,979 Did you see that ludicrous display last night? 140 00:08:24,741 --> 00:08:26,817 What was Mancini thinking, eh? 141 00:08:26,826 --> 00:08:30,299 The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in. 142 00:08:30,308 --> 00:08:31,660 Arsenal? 143 00:08:31,669 --> 00:08:33,702 Whoever we're talking about. 144 00:08:33,711 --> 00:08:35,743 Right... 145 00:08:35,752 --> 00:08:36,784 nearly done. 146 00:08:38,154 --> 00:08:42,151 Oh, thanks again, man, this really does feel so much better. 147 00:08:43,553 --> 00:08:44,589 Right. 148 00:08:44,598 --> 00:08:45,990 Oh, yeah! 149 00:08:45,999 --> 00:08:47,997 There we are. All finished. 150 00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:57,951 ♪ I love him I love him, I love him so. ♪ 151 00:08:59,432 --> 00:09:01,827 Goodness me! 152 00:09:01,836 --> 00:09:05,831 What-what-what would you term what just happened there? 153 00:09:06,592 --> 00:09:09,268 Norman says my voice is extraordinary. 154 00:09:09,277 --> 00:09:11,588 He's right. 155 00:09:12,997 --> 00:09:14,908 This is it, you know. 156 00:09:14,917 --> 00:09:16,628 This is the guy. 157 00:09:16,637 --> 00:09:18,308 This is the big one. 158 00:09:18,317 --> 00:09:21,590 There's nothing about him I don't like. 159 00:09:21,599 --> 00:09:24,830 When he's asleep, he makes this sound... 160 00:09:24,839 --> 00:09:28,470 a lovely, little, gentle purr. 161 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,996 Oh, this is a long song. 162 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:45,193 You know, the last few days has been indescribable. 163 00:09:45,202 --> 00:09:49,196 Good. 164 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:07,755 Hi, Roy! 165 00:10:07,764 --> 00:10:09,435 Hi, Roy. 166 00:10:09,444 --> 00:10:11,935 What? 167 00:10:12,444 --> 00:10:14,536 You OK? 168 00:10:15,045 --> 00:10:17,096 What? 169 00:10:17,405 --> 00:10:19,500 Are you all right? 170 00:10:27,166 --> 00:10:30,237 Is your back still hurting? Didn't you go to see the masseuse? 171 00:10:30,246 --> 00:10:32,738 Yes, I did. 172 00:10:33,247 --> 00:10:35,378 Did it help? 173 00:10:35,687 --> 00:10:37,518 No. 174 00:10:37,727 --> 00:10:39,438 Are you OK? 175 00:10:39,647 --> 00:10:42,919 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fine. 176 00:10:42,928 --> 00:10:46,923 It's just you'vegot the same face you have when you eat vegetables. 177 00:10:51,365 --> 00:10:53,264 OK. 178 00:10:56,526 --> 00:10:58,960 Something happened. 179 00:10:58,969 --> 00:11:01,481 Something happened? 180 00:11:01,490 --> 00:11:05,486 Yes. When I was getting the massage, the masseuse did something. 181 00:11:08,927 --> 00:11:11,327 Go on. 182 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:17,167 OK, I'm going to tell you, but you have to promise 183 00:11:17,208 --> 00:11:21,163 not to laugh at me, because this whole thing has left me very shaken. 184 00:11:21,172 --> 00:11:25,168 - OK. I promise I will not laugh. - OK. 185 00:11:27,329 --> 00:11:30,128 He kissed me on the arse. 186 00:11:36,850 --> 00:11:39,606 Sorry, I may have misheard you there, Roy. 187 00:11:39,815 --> 00:11:41,965 What did you just say? 188 00:11:41,974 --> 00:11:44,406 I was enjoying the massage, 189 00:11:44,415 --> 00:11:47,526 everything had gone very, very well, 190 00:11:47,535 --> 00:11:51,531 but then at the end he just leaned down, 191 00:11:51,732 --> 00:11:55,732 and he gave me a big kiss on the arse. 192 00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:05,532 And you thought I'd find that funny?! 193 00:12:05,733 --> 00:12:07,889 Well, yeah, I suppose I did. 194 00:12:07,898 --> 00:12:11,609 On what planet would that be funny? 195 00:12:11,618 --> 00:12:14,689 Whereabouts on the arse did he kiss you? 196 00:12:14,698 --> 00:12:16,209 I don't know, 197 00:12:16,218 --> 00:12:19,970 just to the left of the... the line that goes down the middle. 198 00:12:19,979 --> 00:12:21,650 The cleftal horizon. 199 00:12:21,659 --> 00:12:23,731 Is that what it's called? 200 00:12:23,740 --> 00:12:26,771 Yes, it is, but never mind that, what happened next? 201 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:30,611 Well, then I just got dressed and I left. 202 00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:34,052 OK. Have you told Jen this? 203 00:12:34,061 --> 00:12:36,452 No, I was really afraid she'd laugh at me. 204 00:12:36,461 --> 00:12:39,332 Do you think Jen's a monster?! 205 00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:41,693 She wouldn't laugh-- This man crossed the line! 206 00:12:41,702 --> 00:12:45,093 He is a member of the medical profession. Roy, look at me. 207 00:12:45,102 --> 00:12:47,694 Look... at... me! 208 00:12:48,103 --> 00:12:51,798 There is nothing funny about this. 209 00:12:52,979 --> 00:12:56,575 I think he crossed the line. I don't think it's funny. 210 00:12:56,584 --> 00:13:01,179 I mean, I was so relaxed, and then that just tensed me right up again. 211 00:13:02,221 --> 00:13:04,835 My hands were like that for an hour. 212 00:13:04,944 --> 00:13:08,456 I couldn't get them in to my pockets to pay him. 213 00:13:08,465 --> 00:13:10,416 You paid him?! 214 00:13:10,425 --> 00:13:14,377 Roy, I've got to tell you, I think you've got grounds to sue. 215 00:13:14,386 --> 00:13:16,357 Really? 216 00:13:18,266 --> 00:13:19,697 What is that?! 217 00:13:19,706 --> 00:13:21,738 That's Jen. 218 00:13:21,747 --> 00:13:24,217 That's what she does now. 219 00:13:24,226 --> 00:13:26,778 You should tell her. You should tell her. 220 00:13:26,787 --> 00:13:27,898 What? 221 00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:30,018 Listen to this. 222 00:13:30,027 --> 00:13:32,099 Jen, you know that I went for that massage? 223 00:13:32,108 --> 00:13:34,940 Yeah. You are not going to believe this. 224 00:13:34,949 --> 00:13:38,180 The bloke who did it kissed me on my arse. 225 00:13:42,825 --> 00:13:46,300 No, Jen, my masseuse kissed me on my bum! 226 00:13:46,309 --> 00:13:49,261 My body went into spasms! 227 00:13:49,270 --> 00:13:52,381 My hands were like this for an hour! 228 00:13:52,390 --> 00:13:54,422 Stop it! You're killing me! 229 00:13:54,431 --> 00:13:58,425 You've got to spread that kind of material out! 230 00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:01,743 I can't believe this! 231 00:14:01,752 --> 00:14:05,746 So what's the problem? I know! He doesn't write, he doesn't call! 232 00:14:09,069 --> 00:14:11,944 What, did you think he was coming on to you? I don't know! 233 00:14:11,953 --> 00:14:15,948 Maybe he's like the Michelangelo of physical therapists 234 00:14:16,149 --> 00:14:19,385 and that was his signature. Maybe he does it to everybody. 235 00:14:19,394 --> 00:14:23,145 Look, to be honest, I don't care why he did it. 236 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,785 All I know is that I was vulnerable. 237 00:14:25,794 --> 00:14:29,790 I was naked, and he kissed me on my bottom. 238 00:14:29,871 --> 00:14:33,586 I'll tell you something, this is not the last he has heard of me. 239 00:14:33,595 --> 00:14:36,826 As God is my witness, no man shall ever have to be 240 00:14:36,835 --> 00:14:40,427 kissed on the bottom unexpectedly because of this man ever again. 241 00:14:40,436 --> 00:14:44,432 Will you stop laughing?! 242 00:14:46,273 --> 00:14:49,268 This is the first time I've left before you. 243 00:14:49,277 --> 00:14:52,828 We're looking up legal precedents of Roy being kissed on the arse. 244 00:14:52,837 --> 00:14:56,188 Don't sue him, Roy. You'll get on the news. 245 00:14:56,198 --> 00:14:58,149 - Don't listen to her. - Everyone will laugh! 246 00:14:58,158 --> 00:15:01,629 No-one will laugh! Come on, Jen, help us bring this monster to justice! 247 00:15:01,638 --> 00:15:05,634 I can't. The band are playing a new song tonight, they want my opinion. 248 00:15:05,675 --> 00:15:07,775 You know to just say, "It's great", right? 249 00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:10,474 Roy, I am a person. With thoughts and opinions. 250 00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:13,671 No. You're not. 251 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,991 Jen, please, just say, "It's great". 252 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,955 When people like that ask you what you think, 253 00:15:17,981 --> 00:15:20,021 all they want to hear is that they're geniuses. 254 00:15:20,677 --> 00:15:22,476 Goodbye. 255 00:15:24,877 --> 00:15:28,393 She... is... evil. 256 00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:32,797 Spacestar ordering success story number three. 257 00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:37,758 My tattoo got infected, so they've had to cut off my arm! 258 00:15:39,118 --> 00:15:42,818 I am getting a robot hand! 259 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,395 ♪ In the war... ♪ 260 00:15:48,404 --> 00:15:52,399 ♪ I am beautiful... ♪ 261 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,596 Beautiful. Really beautiful. 262 00:15:55,605 --> 00:15:56,636 Thank you. 263 00:15:56,645 --> 00:16:00,640 It's just a great song. Really, really great. 264 00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:14,609 If you put a gun to my head and forced me to give one criticism, 265 00:16:14,635 --> 00:16:16,602 it'd be that maybe it goes on just a bit too long. 266 00:16:16,603 --> 00:16:19,759 - Apart from that, perfect. - OK. 267 00:16:19,768 --> 00:16:22,365 Listen, Tim, Mary's not going to make it tonight. 268 00:16:22,391 --> 00:16:24,188 What'll we do about backing vocals? 269 00:16:28,929 --> 00:16:31,480 I'd love to! 270 00:16:31,489 --> 00:16:34,041 Moss, can I ask you a question? 271 00:16:34,050 --> 00:16:35,681 Sure. 272 00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:39,081 Do I have to testify? 273 00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:42,121 I can't make that decision for you, Roy. 274 00:16:42,130 --> 00:16:44,281 You've just got to ask yourself one thing... 275 00:16:44,290 --> 00:16:45,982 if you don't take the stand, 276 00:16:45,991 --> 00:16:48,762 how many more unsolicited bum kisses will be administered 277 00:16:48,788 --> 00:16:51,112 by that lip-happy bastard? 278 00:16:51,607 --> 00:16:54,522 No, you're right, I know you're right. I do want to testify. 279 00:16:54,531 --> 00:16:57,764 I'm just afraid that they're going to laugh at me. 280 00:16:57,773 --> 00:17:00,083 What if they're all... what if they're all like Jen? 281 00:17:00,092 --> 00:17:02,124 They're not going to laugh, Roy. 282 00:17:02,133 --> 00:17:04,204 No-one's like Jen. 283 00:17:04,213 --> 00:17:05,844 No-one. 284 00:17:05,853 --> 00:17:09,849 I've come to realise she's actually a very odd person. 285 00:17:12,453 --> 00:17:14,685 Well, good luck tonight, everyone! 286 00:17:14,694 --> 00:17:16,434 Are you a big Stevie Nicks fan, Jen? 287 00:17:16,460 --> 00:17:17,845 Stevie Nicks? Yeah, yeah. 288 00:17:17,854 --> 00:17:21,850 Oh, God. Thanks so much for this, guys, I'm so excited. 289 00:17:22,091 --> 00:17:25,126 I've never done anything like this before. 290 00:17:25,135 --> 00:17:29,131 I can't believe you want me to do it! I won't let you down. 291 00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:46,729 So, Norman, we've had a talk. 292 00:17:46,738 --> 00:17:50,329 And we think we're going to go back to not having a keyboard in the band. 293 00:17:50,338 --> 00:17:51,769 Oh, no! 294 00:17:51,778 --> 00:17:54,930 Yeah, I'm sorry, but we'll see you both again soon, yeah? 295 00:17:54,939 --> 00:17:58,234 Wait! I'm out too? 296 00:18:09,177 --> 00:18:12,092 And the defendant gave no indication 297 00:18:12,101 --> 00:18:16,096 that he had any intention of kissing you on the bottom? 298 00:18:16,298 --> 00:18:18,549 No indication whatsoever. 299 00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:21,422 He just kissed me on my bottom. Out of nowhere. 300 00:18:23,378 --> 00:18:24,693 What was the result? 301 00:18:24,702 --> 00:18:28,454 Well, I had nightmares about it. 302 00:18:28,463 --> 00:18:31,059 And I can't stop washing my bottom. 303 00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:35,439 And I find it hard to trust masseurs. 304 00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:41,336 Where exactly did he kiss you? 305 00:18:41,545 --> 00:18:44,976 - It was in the middle. - In the middle of your bottom? 306 00:18:44,985 --> 00:18:48,937 Well, just to the left of the cleftal horizon. 307 00:18:48,946 --> 00:18:51,616 In layman's terms, please, Mr. Trenneman. 308 00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:55,621 Oh, I'm sorry, your Honour. Just to the left of the bum line. 309 00:18:57,062 --> 00:18:59,138 Just above the thigh? 310 00:18:59,147 --> 00:19:01,258 Well above the thigh. 311 00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:03,658 It was on my bottom. 312 00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,978 Although it is true, is it not, 313 00:19:05,987 --> 00:19:09,983 that what some people call their bottom, others might call their hip. 314 00:19:11,264 --> 00:19:14,419 No, he kissed my bottom, sir. 315 00:19:14,428 --> 00:19:17,824 - But is it not true... - He kissed me on my bottom! 316 00:19:23,625 --> 00:19:26,501 Why is no-one laughing? 317 00:19:27,510 --> 00:19:29,741 It's no laughing matter, Jen. 318 00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:33,746 We Spaceologists take this kind of thing very seriously. 319 00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:36,021 Are all these people Spaceologists? 320 00:19:36,030 --> 00:19:39,822 Yes, this trial could bring the massage industry to its knees. 321 00:19:39,831 --> 00:19:43,827 And you'll find they take this case with the gravity it deserves. 322 00:19:45,308 --> 00:19:49,307 Perhaps Mr. Trenneman might be able to help us with the aid of this diagram. 323 00:19:53,229 --> 00:19:57,229 Could you please place this picture of the defendant... 324 00:19:59,269 --> 00:20:03,269 on the area where you say he kissed you? 325 00:20:17,071 --> 00:20:20,667 That was where the incident happened. 326 00:20:20,676 --> 00:20:23,547 - I think that's accurate. - Oh, you think that is accurate? 327 00:20:23,557 --> 00:20:27,428 Yes. Only a moment ago you were quite sure, yet now you only think. 328 00:20:27,437 --> 00:20:29,348 You're twisting my words. 329 00:20:29,357 --> 00:20:32,495 Is it not true that this may simply be an artist, 330 00:20:32,521 --> 00:20:34,877 proud of his work, signing off with a flourish? 331 00:20:35,153 --> 00:20:37,229 That is not the point. 332 00:20:37,238 --> 00:20:39,309 Yes, thank you, Mr. Trenneman. That will be all. 333 00:20:39,318 --> 00:20:41,269 My arse is not a canvas! 334 00:20:41,278 --> 00:20:43,790 I said, that will be all, thank you. 335 00:20:43,799 --> 00:20:46,390 My bottom is not a kissing post, sir. 336 00:20:46,699 --> 00:20:49,715 OK, you can dress this up however you like, with your fancy words, 337 00:20:49,741 --> 00:20:52,395 with your fancy words, but the truth remains 338 00:20:52,416 --> 00:20:56,715 that that man, sitting there, kissed me on my bike rack 339 00:20:58,157 --> 00:21:00,231 and I was not expecting it 340 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:03,312 and it rendered an expensive massage worthless. 341 00:21:03,321 --> 00:21:04,392 Your Honour, please. 342 00:21:04,401 --> 00:21:08,397 And I am here today so that no man need be kissed on his sweetmeats 343 00:21:09,317 --> 00:21:11,842 by this man ever again, 344 00:21:11,868 --> 00:21:14,442 unless they have arranged it beforehand for some reason. 345 00:21:14,558 --> 00:21:17,553 - Will you be silent? - I will not be silent! 346 00:21:17,562 --> 00:21:19,434 I will never be silent! 347 00:21:19,443 --> 00:21:23,075 I will not stop until those lips are behind bars! 348 00:21:23,084 --> 00:21:25,594 How dare you? 349 00:21:25,603 --> 00:21:29,599 I trusted you. My trouser hams are not for sale, sir! 350 00:21:31,881 --> 00:21:34,980 I put my arse in your hands. 351 00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:39,021 I rest my case. 352 00:22:28,727 --> 00:22:31,622 I'd have used my robot hand for good. 353 00:22:54,130 --> 00:22:55,629 Wake up!