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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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Massive haul this year.
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To candy!
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Fee-fi-fo-fum, give me
all your candy and gum!
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Who are you and why
do you want our candy?
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Your mother is the switch witch...
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a sort of tooth fairy dealie.
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I take your sugary sweets and
I give you healthy items.
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Plain brown toothbrushes,
flavored dental floss
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and fun-sized mouthwashes...
TSA approved.
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This is exactly why kids need a union.
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Now remember, Homie,
that candy goes to...
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Our fighting men and women overseas.
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It's our way of letting them
know we're having fun back here.
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No sneaking off and eating
that candy yourself.
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Marge, you know I'd never do that.
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I'm too scared of the evil switch witch.
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The switch witch is me.
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You know, on some level,
I've always known.
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** I've got candy, skip to my Lou **
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** My insulin will spike,
that's what it's gonna do **
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** I'm gonna buy me
some diabetic shoes **
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** Skip to my Lou my... **
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What the...?!
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D'oh!
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Hello, 911?
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I need a helicopter
rescue and some cold milk.
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Copy that, sir.
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We'll be there in 20 minutes.
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What?! I can't wait that long for candy!
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The only sane thing to
do is chew off my arm.
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Ow! Ow!
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I'm not gonna swallow,
'cause I want to save room for candy.
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Oops.
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D'oh!
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Mm!
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I'm really getting the hang of this.
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All worth it for candy.
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No...!
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The Simpsons S23E03
"Treehouse Of Horrors XXII"
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Made by Mikhel for: Subtitulos.es
==SPREAD THE WORD==
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Dad? Dad?
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He opened his eyes!
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Mom!
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ER: Okay, I'm on the floor.
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I can't move.
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So far, a normal Sunday morning.
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Homie, you're paralyzed.
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But we love you and
will never give up hope.
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Can his funeral be on a school day?
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ER: This is so horrible.
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I can't speak!
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How did this happen?
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Last thing I remember,
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I was decorating the house
for Halloween.
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Ah, Halloween.
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The one time of year when
the squalor of our home
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works to our advantage.
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Where's that spider? Ah.
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Squeeze, squeeze!
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Squeeze, squeeze!
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A real spider would get
so mad if I did this.
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I wonder if this thing has batteries.
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It's alive?!
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Ow!
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Hmm. Well, at least I still look good.
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Okay, handsome, that's enough primping.
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Just because you've had a little setba
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doesn't mean you can't look your best.
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Oh, Marge.
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- This is the purest love there
- patient, supportive...
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Ooh, cleavage.
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Dad, I'm going to entertain you
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th the help of The Brothers Karamazov.
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"Alexey Fyodorovitch
Karamazov was the third son
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"of odor Pavlovitch Karamazov,
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"a landowner well known in
our district in his own day,
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and still remembered among us..."
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Oh, my God.
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She's still on the first sentence!
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Must make her stop.
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How to express my...
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Dad! Ew.
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Anyway, continuing.
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"For the present, I will only say
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that this 'landowner'... for so we..."
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Ew! Dad!
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Wait a minute.
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Can you pass gas at will?
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Fart once for no, twice for yes.
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Oh, my God!
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Do you realize what this means?
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Well, it means that you can communicate.
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Exactly.
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I'll recite the alphabet,
and you tell me when to stop.
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A, B, C, D...
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Okay, first letter: D.
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Next letter.
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A, B, C, D, E...
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"D, E."
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Amazing!
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Oh, but before we continue.
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Okay.
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A...
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"D, E, A."
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"Dearest Marge, though my body
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"cannot move, my heart still beats
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"and my brain still brains.
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"I miss holding you in my arms
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"more than my butt can say.
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"Perhaps someday there will be a cure.
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"Although if it requires
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"months of difficult physical therapy,
I'll pass.
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"You are the shining light
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"that gets me through my darkest hours.
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"For further communication,
I will require more beans.
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I love you."
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Oh, Homie.
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Shh-shh-shh.
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Don't say a word.
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I guess my life isn't so bad.
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With the help of my loving family,
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I even published my first book.
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And I've finally reached a
state of serenity and...
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Another spider!
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What's this bite gonna do?
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My wrists are tingling.
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I feel new powers surging within me!
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He's got the proportionate strength
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of a paralyzed spider!
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Forget paying for my kid's
operation... m out of here!
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They say no two ass-webs are the same.
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Beautiful in its way.
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Want to go home and celebrate?
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Whoo!
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I wish I could move like him.
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Springfield, my hometown.
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Pretty little place.
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Although, even the Garden of Eden
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could use a nice cleansing
rain now and then.
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My money's on the kid.
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Hey, whiskers.
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Want to party?
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Spend less time on your back
and re time on your knees.
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Hmm?
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Have I lost my back-alley beauty?
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Well, those who can't do, teach.
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No more distractions.
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I have work to do.
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All these years,
I thought murder was a sin.
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Then I got new instructions from
the good Lord Himself
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in his favorite language... English.
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Slay Montgomery Burns
and pee in his ashes!
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Are you sure, Lord?
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If you're having trouble
with the second part,
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drink a lot of water.
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Now I've got to go.
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A hip-hop star is
thanking me at the VMAs.
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And so white-bread Ned
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became the avenging sword of the Lord.
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Peter, Andrew, James the Greater,
James the Lesser,
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John, Philip, Thaddeus.
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Heaven Father, I...
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Quiet, you!
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Your next divine whack job is a twofer.
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I command you to kill
Patty and Selma Bouvier.
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Patty and Selma?
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Sure they smoke, and they
don't shave much of anything,
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but do they deserve to die?
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Do not question me,
the star of the Bible.
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Now, on a non-murder- related note,
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I want you to find out
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what's making that funny
noise in Homer Simpson's car.
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It's, uh, it's, you know,
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it's like a chigga-chigga-chigga-chigga.
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But you only hear it when
you're driving over 30.
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And you never hear it when
you take it to the shop.
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Then it sounds perfect.
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Yes, Lord!
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Homer, have you noticed
how many of your enemies
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have died lately?
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Mr. Burns, Sideshow Bob...
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You forgot Patty and Selma.
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Oh, wait. That hasn't happened yet.
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Patty and Selma?
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Who's next, Ned Flanders?
187
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Now, how would that work?
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Huh?
189
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Okay, stupid Flanders,
190
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first I want you to kill that
guy at the ice cream parlor
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who gave Homer Simpson a cone
that had a little air in it.
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Really?
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Come on! God does crazy things!
194
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Check your Old Testament. Hey, Dad.
195
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Hey Bart... Uh, I mean, Jesus.
196
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Hey son, you want
Flders to kill anybody?
197
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He's totally in my power.
198
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Well, there's a tall boy in front of me
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in class so I can't see the board.
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And I sayeth unto you,
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slay every tall boy in town!
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Yeah! Yeah!
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Homer Simpson!
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You made a killer out of me!
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Yeah, and what are you
gonna do about it?
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I'm going to kill you!
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Because of you,
I'm going to Hell! Language.
208
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Hell! Damn! Backside!
209
00:11:42,271 --> 00:11:43,602
Nothing matters anymore!
210
00:11:43,724 --> 00:11:46,719
I'm goin' down and my
hand-basket seats two!
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Wake up, Flanders!
212
00:11:48,905 --> 00:11:51,838
There is no Hell, and there is no God.
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If there were, would He let me do this?
214
00:11:59,415 --> 00:12:01,253
Why you little...
215
00:12:05,701 --> 00:12:07,601
What happened?!
216
00:12:07,635 --> 00:12:10,271
Uh... Flanders killed Homer.
217
00:12:10,305 --> 00:12:11,142
But, but...
218
00:12:11,177 --> 00:12:13,133
But you're God.
219
00:12:13,172 --> 00:12:15,371
Couldn't you make
everything the way it was?
220
00:12:15,373 --> 00:12:17,414
Well, I could.
221
00:12:17,416 --> 00:12:20,082
But the big man downstairs
wouldn't like it.
222
00:12:22,863 --> 00:12:24,749
Get me a coffee!
223
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,375
Yes, sir.
224
00:12:30,985 --> 00:12:32,691
Could this get any worse?
225
00:12:34,579 --> 00:12:36,623
Honey, come back to bed.
226
00:12:36,657 --> 00:12:38,485
Oh, for cryin' out loud!
227
00:12:49,862 --> 00:12:51,221
People, you are on the most
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inhospitable planet in the galaxy.
229
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,603
Extreme temperatures...
230
00:12:55,695 --> 00:12:57,701
vicious indigenous life forms...
231
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Are there any questions? Yes?
232
00:13:00,142 --> 00:13:02,917
e we in Kansas anymore? No.
233
00:13:02,919 --> 00:13:04,379
Well, are we in Nebraska?
234
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,818
No! We are not in any state!
235
00:13:06,839 --> 00:13:08,712
Oh, oh, is it Michigan?
236
00:13:08,812 --> 00:13:10,756
Nobody talk anymore!
237
00:13:10,779 --> 00:13:13,894
You will now direct your
attention to our C.E.O.,
238
00:13:13,948 --> 00:13:15,319
Mr. Krusty the clown.
239
00:13:15,353 --> 00:13:18,758
We are here on this fakakta
planet for one reason:
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00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,420
Hilarium.
241
00:13:20,463 --> 00:13:23,560
Spray this in an audience and
they'll laugh at anything.
242
00:13:23,655 --> 00:13:24,958
And I need some now.
243
00:13:24,999 --> 00:13:27,201
Gotta play a Nazi party rally.
244
00:13:27,235 --> 00:13:29,328
Oh, yeah, they're back.
245
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:33,084
Our spies will go planet-side,
locate said Hilarium
246
00:13:33,086 --> 00:13:35,846
and contact us so that
we may begin extraction.
247
00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:39,224
This is a delicate mission
that requires utter loyalty.
248
00:13:39,323 --> 00:13:41,190
I can think of no better ndidate
249
00:13:41,217 --> 00:13:44,477
than the resentful guy in the
wheelchair who has just arrived.
250
00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:50,325
Yes, I think this is
gonna work out just fine.
251
00:13:52,853 --> 00:13:54,886
All strapped in?
252
00:13:54,909 --> 00:13:56,162
Yep.
253
00:13:57,783 --> 00:14:01,583
Now prepare to take an incredible
journey across the room!
254
00:14:05,613 --> 00:14:07,164
Yo.
255
00:14:13,871 --> 00:14:17,485
Whoa! Check out this bitchin' bod!
256
00:14:17,487 --> 00:14:19,788
Oh, man, if I could just have
257
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:22,081
five minutes alone
with my old bullies...
258
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,515
Hey, avaturd.
259
00:14:23,551 --> 00:14:24,691
Are you guys gonna beat me up?
260
00:14:24,717 --> 00:14:25,751
Naw, we can't.
261
00:14:25,871 --> 00:14:28,270
These avatars cost $80 billion each.
262
00:14:28,277 --> 00:14:31,278
But your human body costs nothing.
263
00:14:45,823 --> 00:14:50,044
Come on, let's bond, you stupid jerk.
264
00:14:50,078 --> 00:14:53,948
That's a Japanese outlet, Bart.
You need an adapter.
265
00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:59,086
Oh, maybe I'll just take a taxi.
266
00:14:59,253 --> 00:15:00,626
Where you go? Where you go?
267
00:15:00,628 --> 00:15:01,923
No meter, is cheaper, yeah?
268
00:15:01,957 --> 00:15:03,060
No, thanks.
269
00:15:03,062 --> 00:15:05,426
Suit yourself, you one-eyed bastard.
270
00:15:07,066 --> 00:15:09,397
Aw, the only thing that looks
good on this stupid planet
271
00:15:09,433 --> 00:15:10,435
are the bananas.
272
00:15:12,608 --> 00:15:13,601
Hmm?!
273
00:15:13,635 --> 00:15:15,775
Ay, caramba!
274
00:15:27,415 --> 00:15:28,785
Thanks, dude.
275
00:15:28,819 --> 00:15:30,380
I am a female!
276
00:15:30,587 --> 00:15:31,980
You don't have to yell!
277
00:15:32,011 --> 00:15:35,226
I am not yelling!
This is my seductive voice!
278
00:15:35,263 --> 00:15:38,482
I am called Kamala.
279
00:15:38,516 --> 00:15:42,804
Oh! Even when we're monsters,
he gets the girl.
280
00:15:42,838 --> 00:15:46,007
Fool! Every part of this world is alive!
281
00:15:46,037 --> 00:15:48,542
Apologize to sister rock!
282
00:15:48,579 --> 00:15:50,879
Sorry, sister rock.
283
00:15:50,881 --> 00:15:54,136
Now you've murdered our
brothers, the flowers!
284
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:56,109
Stupid! Stupid!
285
00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:58,210
Now you're having sex with Uncle Tree!
286
00:15:59,946 --> 00:16:02,035
Thank the Almighty Fungus you are wiser
287
00:16:02,131 --> 00:16:03,940
and cuter than your friend.
288
00:16:03,942 --> 00:16:06,631
Hey, what gives, man?
289
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:09,763
And now let us touch
testicles and mate for life.
290
00:16:09,933 --> 00:16:11,470
Don't you mean tentacles?
291
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,139
I know what I said!
292
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,091
Ay, caramba!
293
00:16:18,915 --> 00:16:22,382
Today you are a man. Mazel Tov!
294
00:16:27,216 --> 00:16:29,475
So... was it okay?
295
00:16:29,477 --> 00:16:31,042
It was serviceable!
296
00:16:31,071 --> 00:16:34,886
Ah, man, back on Earth we
don't have so many moons.
297
00:16:34,895 --> 00:16:38,079
What do you mean, "back on Earth"?
298
00:16:38,114 --> 00:16:43,214
Uh... it's a place on the other
side of this planet that's...
299
00:16:43,216 --> 00:16:45,694
very rainy so you can only see one moon.
300
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:46,955
You know, like Portland.
301
00:16:47,166 --> 00:16:49,196
I never hear of this Port-land.
302
00:16:49,230 --> 00:16:53,704
But on Rigel Seven, lack of eye
contact and too many details
303
00:16:53,738 --> 00:16:55,923
indicate the telling of truth.
304
00:16:55,950 --> 00:16:59,587
I love you, sugar-slime.
305
00:17:01,706 --> 00:17:03,575
Man, you are full of surprises.
306
00:17:05,433 --> 00:17:08,850
I can't believe I'm getting
combat pay for this.
307
00:17:08,885 --> 00:17:12,550
Well done, young man!
Our daughter is with child.
308
00:17:12,584 --> 00:17:13,716
Here.
309
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:16,890
Feel the wonder of one million fetuses!
310
00:17:16,892 --> 00:17:19,699
You said you were using birth control!
311
00:17:19,733 --> 00:17:23,273
That only keeps me from giving
birth while we are having sex.
312
00:17:24,435 --> 00:17:26,987
How do those mountains float?
313
00:17:27,031 --> 00:17:29,316
They don't. They are falling.
314
00:17:29,370 --> 00:17:33,127
Now that Kamala has a slug in the oven,
315
00:17:33,162 --> 00:17:37,277
we must make sure she gets
her daily dose of Hilarium.
316
00:17:37,292 --> 00:17:41,511
Without it, her crankiness
will become unbearable.
317
00:17:41,513 --> 00:17:45,223
Unfortunately our environment
is too hostile to grow pickles.
318
00:17:45,257 --> 00:17:48,902
And the only flavor ice cream
we have is butter brickle.
319
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:51,770
To repeat: no pickles, butter brickle.
320
00:17:51,978 --> 00:17:54,342
It is the Rigelian way.
321
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,533
So, where can I load
up on this Hilarium?
322
00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:58,489
Listen closely.
323
00:17:58,523 --> 00:18:03,311
The Hilarium is found in the
sacred secretions of the queen!
324
00:18:10,887 --> 00:18:12,558
We have located the Hilarium.
325
00:18:12,596 --> 00:18:14,862
Lock in on my signal.
326
00:18:14,917 --> 00:18:18,921
Traitor! How dare you betray
the planet I got laid on?!
327
00:18:21,121 --> 00:18:24,672
They're all in one place.
Let's fry these calamari
328
00:18:24,714 --> 00:18:27,178
and dip 'em in a sauce
made of their own blood!
329
00:18:27,210 --> 00:18:29,840
And wine from their own grapes.
330
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:30,851
That's not so bad.
331
00:18:30,890 --> 00:18:32,382
It's a little bad.
332
00:18:38,002 --> 00:18:41,915
So Kamala, where do we keep all
our tanks and planes and stuff?
333
00:18:41,917 --> 00:18:45,484
We have no tanks.
Our planet will protect us.
334
00:18:45,584 --> 00:18:47,787
Oh, man, you sound like my art teacher.
335
00:18:47,824 --> 00:18:49,230
Look a little like her, too.
336
00:19:25,016 --> 00:19:27,191
I guess this is a good time
337
00:19:27,225 --> 00:19:29,616
to tell you I've been a
double ent all this time.
338
00:19:29,618 --> 00:19:31,561
But now I am totally on your side.
339
00:19:31,599 --> 00:19:35,109
And this is a good time to
tell you I have space warts.
340
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,094
And I got them from Milhouse.
341
00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:45,771
Time for a good old-fashioned
342
00:19:45,773 --> 00:19:48,905
servo-suit/bulldozer-saurus fight!
343
00:19:58,327 --> 00:19:59,804
Dammit!
344
00:19:59,853 --> 00:20:02,194
Yo, Colonel! Uh, you've got
some schmutz on your cheek.
345
00:20:02,295 --> 00:20:04,604
Where? Here?
346
00:20:04,651 --> 00:20:07,042
Skinner...!
347
00:20:09,772 --> 00:20:11,900
Had they asked for the Hilarium,
348
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:14,289
we would simply have given it to them.
349
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,713
In Rigelian there is no word for
"yours" or "mine."
350
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:21,787
That's the reason we didn't enjoy the
movie Yours, Mine and Ours.
351
00:20:26,419 --> 00:20:28,966
Halloween is over, which means, America,
352
00:20:28,980 --> 00:20:31,170
it's time to start your
Christmas shopping.
353
00:20:31,235 --> 00:20:34,979
Infuse our stagnant economy with
dollars you don't really have.
354
00:20:35,009 --> 00:20:39,146
And whatever you do, avoid the
urge to make homemade gifts.
355
00:20:39,174 --> 00:20:44,310
Knitting one sweater for someone
costs 27 Americans their jobs.
356
00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:45,963
And don't forget, Christmas
357
00:20:45,996 --> 00:20:48,470
is a wonderful time
to take up alcoholism.
358
00:20:48,505 --> 00:20:51,085
Come on, you see your
family all year round.
359
00:20:51,087 --> 00:20:54,140
The holida are for your bartender.
360
00:21:01,086 --> 00:21:03,666
When are we doing the Black Swan?
361
00:21:05,992 --> 00:21:07,874
Made by Mikhel for: Subtitulos.es
==SPREAD THE WORD==
362
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,136
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