1 00:00:06,257 --> 00:00:08,727 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:08,751 --> 00:00:10,676 Okay, Mary, you're a big city girl 3 00:00:10,869 --> 00:00:13,156 who never stops to enjoy the little things in life. 4 00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:15,305 And today, it all pays off. 5 00:00:16,408 --> 00:00:18,333 Congratulations, Mary. 6 00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:21,503 All the movies you've produced for the Heartmark Channel 7 00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:23,263 are huge hits! 8 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,190 I mean, Murder She Braised 9 00:00:25,342 --> 00:00:27,379 scored in every single one of our key demos. 10 00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:31,271 Women 18 to 49 and women 49 and up. 11 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,918 Well, I'm very passionate about telling stories 12 00:00:33,942 --> 00:00:35,846 about homemakers who solve mysteries. 13 00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,520 How would you like to be president 14 00:00:38,581 --> 00:00:42,432 of our entire Homemaker Mysteries division? 15 00:00:42,493 --> 00:00:44,117 Thank you, sir. When do I start? 16 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,431 What? Hey... oh, not so fast. 17 00:00:46,455 --> 00:00:48,789 One of our other movies is in a little bit of trouble. 18 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,791 I need you to put out a few fires 19 00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:54,945 on the set of A Christmas Ornament for Christmas. 20 00:00:55,005 --> 00:00:57,222 A Christmas movie? 21 00:00:57,415 --> 00:00:58,891 Mary, this is Heartmark. 22 00:00:59,084 --> 00:01:01,124 Christmas movies are our bread and butter. 23 00:01:01,178 --> 00:01:02,728 You get this one back on track, 24 00:01:02,921 --> 00:01:04,638 the promotion's yours. 25 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,140 I won't let you down. 26 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,883 But you hate Christmas. 27 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,719 No, I hate Christmas movies. 28 00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:14,239 How can anyone hate Christmas movies? 29 00:01:14,432 --> 00:01:16,909 Trust me, I can. 30 00:01:17,102 --> 00:01:20,079 Look, if I want the promotion, I have to do this. 31 00:01:20,272 --> 00:01:22,322 It's only for a few days. 32 00:01:22,474 --> 00:01:24,899 Ugh. You still don't know how I take my coffee, do you? 33 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,138 Honey, we've been engaged for two years. 34 00:01:27,162 --> 00:01:28,774 When are you gonna stop caring about that? 35 00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:29,904 (smooches) 36 00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:30,997 (sighs) 37 00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:32,907 So where are they sending you? 38 00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:35,427 The last small town that can pass for Canada 39 00:01:35,579 --> 00:01:37,524 passing for America that didn't already have 40 00:01:37,548 --> 00:01:39,785 another one of our Christmas movies shooting in it. 41 00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:41,809 ♪ ♪ 42 00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,832 MOE: So... 43 00:01:48,892 --> 00:01:50,500 real exciting having you 44 00:01:50,561 --> 00:01:52,352 big-city movie guys around. 45 00:01:52,488 --> 00:01:54,949 - Uh-huh. - Christmas movie shot in the summer. 46 00:01:54,973 --> 00:01:56,840 Now, uh, why do youse do that? 47 00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,860 Well, it's for a variety of reasons. 48 00:01:58,902 --> 00:02:00,430 Oh, reasons! (laughs) 49 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,529 Yeah, yeah, I figured, yeah. 50 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,997 And here you are. 51 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:08,518 Welcome to your Airbnb! 52 00:02:08,579 --> 00:02:10,871 You must be Mary Tannenbaum. 53 00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:12,539 I'm Marge Simpson. 54 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,207 Homer, the bags! 55 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,301 Yes, Mrs. Simpson. 56 00:02:19,715 --> 00:02:23,425 ♪ Welcome to our humble home ♪ 57 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:27,587 ♪ We have chargers for your phone. ♪ 58 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,040 You know, I'm really tired. 59 00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:32,392 Of course, let me show you 60 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,987 to the Bartholomew suite. 61 00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:37,805 Oh, I can't believe Mom gave her my room. 62 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:40,470 She's gonna shed girl particles all over it. 63 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,514 Shut up, boy, we're all in this together. 64 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:44,549 And by "we," I mean "me" 65 00:02:44,573 --> 00:02:47,833 bleeding this movie production dry for 500 bucks a night. 66 00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:50,335 Fine, then I'm sleeping in my treehouse. 67 00:02:50,528 --> 00:02:52,045 Heh, good luck. 68 00:02:52,197 --> 00:02:54,025 I'm renting that out to the sound effects guy. 69 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,527 - (lion roars) - (explosion) 70 00:02:55,551 --> 00:02:57,320 (Wilhelm scream) 71 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,661 - Aw, man, what the...? - (horn blows) 72 00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:01,588 Please tell me you have Wi-Fi. 73 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,016 Wi-Fi do, that's news to me. 74 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,018 (laughs) 75 00:03:06,211 --> 00:03:07,853 (sighs) 76 00:03:09,431 --> 00:03:11,673 - (gasps) - You work for Heartmark? 77 00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:14,162 - Mm. - I've seen all the Christmas movies. 78 00:03:14,186 --> 00:03:16,253 Christmas at Cozy Manor. 79 00:03:16,355 --> 00:03:18,438 A Soldier for Mommy at Christmas. 80 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:22,012 Okay, okay, in Flyover Country Christmas, 81 00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:25,256 when Abigail found the nest of reindeer eggs, 82 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,133 - what did she do... - Look, I have no idea. 83 00:03:27,157 --> 00:03:29,427 I never work on Christmas movies. 84 00:03:29,451 --> 00:03:30,784 (gasps) What? 85 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,286 But they're the best ones. 86 00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,455 Not for me. 87 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,510 I'm just here to put out a few fires 88 00:03:37,534 --> 00:03:40,277 and get home to the big city and my surgeon fiancé. 89 00:03:40,337 --> 00:03:42,304 Sounds handsome. 90 00:03:43,581 --> 00:03:45,849 MARGE: No rush. 91 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,064 Ta-da! 92 00:03:52,257 --> 00:03:54,044 It's not the Sex and City brunches 93 00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,460 you're used to, but we do all right. 94 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,632 I don't know what goes on an everything bagel, 95 00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:01,222 so I just took a stab at it. 96 00:04:01,325 --> 00:04:03,242 I actually don't eat bread. 97 00:04:03,435 --> 00:04:05,802 Or dairy or whatever those are. 98 00:04:05,862 --> 00:04:08,229 All right, gluten balls! 99 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,323 Mmm, mmm! 100 00:04:10,476 --> 00:04:12,066 (gulping) 101 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:13,887 - (gasps) - Ms. Tannenbaum? 102 00:04:13,945 --> 00:04:15,565 Do you mind if I shoot a behind-the-scenes documentary 103 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:19,332 about the movie to earn my Little Filmmaker merit badge? 104 00:04:19,485 --> 00:04:22,335 I-I don't really know how to talk to kids. 105 00:04:22,488 --> 00:04:23,929 Neither do I! 106 00:04:24,122 --> 00:04:25,747 I'll see you on set. 107 00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:28,583 Look, I'll just grab something on my way. 108 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,385 Thanks so much. 109 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:34,481 Oh, why don't more foods come in "everything"? 110 00:04:36,134 --> 00:04:37,943 What can I get you, hon? 111 00:04:38,136 --> 00:04:40,854 I'll have an extra-tall, nonfat, triple-vegan espresso mocha, 112 00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:43,115 clean white, two-pump, half-barley water, 113 00:04:43,266 --> 00:04:45,211 half-macadamia milk with room for air. 114 00:04:45,235 --> 00:04:47,193 We got regular 115 00:04:47,346 --> 00:04:49,604 and we got griddle drippings. 116 00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:51,101 (Skinner laughs) 117 00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,183 I'm sorry, is something funny? 118 00:04:53,243 --> 00:04:56,295 Oh, just you city folk and your legume milks. 119 00:04:56,446 --> 00:04:58,705 That and this Pearls Before Swine comic. 120 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,041 I was laughing at both things simultaneously. 121 00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:04,044 Well, at least in the city, we don't all die at 60 122 00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:05,949 from butter-clogged heart failure. 123 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,450 No, don't go. 124 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,569 Maybe they've got some lentils you can milk. 125 00:05:09,593 --> 00:05:11,560 - Or acorns. - (laughter) 126 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,221 Ah, city folk. 127 00:05:15,374 --> 00:05:17,707 They don't know the joys of small-town diners. 128 00:05:17,768 --> 00:05:20,485 Like yelling gossip across a crowded room. 129 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:23,488 Hey, Sea Captain, how's the IBS? 130 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,450 Yarr, if I'm calm, it's calm. 131 00:05:28,311 --> 00:05:30,423 You tell Markie Post that if she's got issues 132 00:05:30,447 --> 00:05:32,809 with the script, I can have Swoosie Kurtz on the next plane 133 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,499 out here and for half her price. 134 00:05:34,692 --> 00:05:36,371 And if Swoosie Kurtz has a problem with that, 135 00:05:36,395 --> 00:05:37,836 Annie Potts is already here. 136 00:05:38,029 --> 00:05:39,983 Great work, Mary, but we've got more problems. 137 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,582 One... I directed a hundred of these, they're all the same. 138 00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:45,229 Two... our gazebo guy has come down 139 00:05:45,253 --> 00:05:47,754 with a nasty case of carpenter's divorce. 140 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:52,926 Oh, why didn't I lock my iPad?! 141 00:05:53,078 --> 00:05:54,739 Great. How will people know 142 00:05:54,763 --> 00:05:57,356 this Christmas town is quaint without multiple gazebos? 143 00:05:57,507 --> 00:05:59,227 And when you got that figured out, 144 00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:02,102 some local nutjob has taken down our Christmas stuff. 145 00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:04,938 - Ugh. I'll take care of it. - (hammering) 146 00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:06,509 BOTH: Ugh. It's you. 147 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,425 What do you think you're doing? 148 00:06:08,485 --> 00:06:11,185 I'm setting up the town's annual Lettuce and Tomato Festival. 149 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:14,114 It's our summertime tradition in honor of too-oft eaten, 150 00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:17,042 but seldom celebrated workhorses of barbecue season. 151 00:06:17,193 --> 00:06:18,451 The whole town turns out. 152 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,473 We're trying to shoot a movie here. 153 00:06:20,497 --> 00:06:22,956 Well, if your movie is anything like your gazebos, 154 00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:25,695 you're looking at some major structure problems, 155 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,219 and I should know. 156 00:06:29,339 --> 00:06:31,056 Hmm. How about this? 157 00:06:31,249 --> 00:06:33,319 You build our gazebos, and I'll make sure 158 00:06:33,343 --> 00:06:35,468 they halt production for your little festival. 159 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,562 Mm. All right, you've got, 160 00:06:37,755 --> 00:06:40,649 as you say in the big city, a deal. 161 00:06:46,632 --> 00:06:50,150 And... good enough. Or whatever. Who cares really? 162 00:06:50,302 --> 00:06:51,801 (phone chimes) 163 00:06:51,862 --> 00:06:53,987 Okay, movie's back on schedule, under budget, 164 00:06:54,139 --> 00:06:57,064 and our shipment of cozy scarves was released from customs. 165 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:59,476 Ah, looks like mission accomplished, Mary. 166 00:06:59,536 --> 00:07:01,068 You know it, Cab Driver. 167 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:03,130 I can't wait to get home to my condo, 168 00:07:03,239 --> 00:07:05,235 my gay best friend and my surgeon fiancé. 169 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,484 And I'll never have to work on a... 170 00:07:07,544 --> 00:07:09,486 Christmas movie again. 171 00:07:09,588 --> 00:07:12,305 (phone rings) 172 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:14,766 Hello, sir. 173 00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:16,830 Yes, everything's been taken care of. 174 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:19,512 You want me to stay for the entire shoot? 175 00:07:19,665 --> 00:07:21,923 And if I leave I won't get the promotion? 176 00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,684 And I have an annoying way of talking on the phone? 177 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,319 Yes, sir. 178 00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:30,365 It had to be a Christmas movie. 179 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:37,030 But Samantha, I can't go caroling with you. 180 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,792 Your Christmas megastore's gonna put 181 00:07:38,816 --> 00:07:40,478 my mom-and-pop ornament shop out of business. 182 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,869 Oh, Bruce, all I cared about was my career, 183 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,108 but then we had that moment at Christmas Creek, 184 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,856 and things changed. 185 00:07:46,917 --> 00:07:48,525 DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! 186 00:07:48,585 --> 00:07:50,188 You idiots are using the names 187 00:07:50,212 --> 00:07:52,064 from the last one of these we shot. 188 00:07:52,088 --> 00:07:54,451 You're Sondra and Jeff now. 189 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,716 Don't worry. We can just dub the names in later. 190 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,288 Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 191 00:07:58,312 --> 00:07:59,703 None of this matters. 192 00:07:59,763 --> 00:08:02,200 All right, moving on to the... Ooh. 193 00:08:02,224 --> 00:08:05,709 ...the golden retriever Christmas sweater fashion show. 194 00:08:05,769 --> 00:08:08,878 (panting) 195 00:08:08,939 --> 00:08:10,633 Simpson House Airbnb... 196 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,716 Home of the original gluten ball. 197 00:08:12,776 --> 00:08:14,659 Free parking on Flanders' lawn. 198 00:08:14,811 --> 00:08:17,662 Oh, Dad, the house is too full already. 199 00:08:17,855 --> 00:08:19,775 I slept in the bathtub last night. 200 00:08:19,857 --> 00:08:22,984 I woke up with drain marks on my face. 201 00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,485 Suck it up, Drain Face. 202 00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:27,150 This movie production's a gold mine. 203 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:31,062 Hey, how would you fellas like to sleep in my marital bed? 204 00:08:31,086 --> 00:08:33,011 - BOTH: Hmm. - Oh! (grunts) 205 00:08:33,204 --> 00:08:37,349 Yup. Nothing like the magic of a fully-funded Hollywood set. 206 00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:41,186 Hmm. Who to gouge? Who to gouge? 207 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:44,356 Well, bad news. We're all out of fake snow. 208 00:08:44,549 --> 00:08:46,024 So use one of the other brands... 209 00:08:46,217 --> 00:08:48,768 Drift King, Flurry Slurry, Blizzard Butter. 210 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,028 No, there's none left. 211 00:08:50,221 --> 00:08:51,696 Heartmark is shooting at least 212 00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:54,015 50 other Christmas movies as we speak. 213 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,678 I don't care how much it costs. 214 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,351 Just find me some fake snow. 215 00:08:57,412 --> 00:09:00,350 Fake snow? More like easy dough. 216 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:03,686 How hard could it be to find white stuff to grind up? 217 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:06,102 (instrumental of "Let It Snow" playing) 218 00:09:06,162 --> 00:09:08,129 (whirring) 219 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:13,343 (whirring) 220 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:21,074 A gift for your gay-self? Get a Gay Pack at www.nextgaything.com 221 00:09:23,421 --> 00:09:26,231 ♪ ♪ 222 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,568 (whirring) 223 00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:39,969 Would you mind taking a break? 224 00:09:40,071 --> 00:09:41,507 We're about to shoot the pivotal scene 225 00:09:41,531 --> 00:09:42,897 where the two leads realize 226 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,543 they're starting to like each other. 227 00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:46,137 Well, well, 228 00:09:46,161 --> 00:09:48,587 the big city gal is telling me to slow down. 229 00:09:48,738 --> 00:09:50,608 There's a humorous reversal for you. 230 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,315 The gazebos look great. 231 00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,075 You're very talented. 232 00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:56,094 Oh, only with my hands. 233 00:09:56,287 --> 00:09:58,388 (phone ringing) 234 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:04,510 Hey there! What a nice surprise! 235 00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,457 Hey, babe. How are things in the boondocks? 236 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,997 God, you must be miserable. 237 00:10:08,058 --> 00:10:11,501 Oh, yeah, I'm surrounded by a bunch of backwoods, 238 00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:13,601 lotto-scratching, monster-truck-driving, 239 00:10:13,672 --> 00:10:15,338 Big-Gulp-guzzling bumpkins. 240 00:10:15,398 --> 00:10:17,690 I can't wait to go back to the city. 241 00:10:17,843 --> 00:10:20,526 Well, it'll all be worth it when you get your big promotion... 242 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,954 Movie executive for a greeting card company. 243 00:10:23,147 --> 00:10:25,081 See? I listen. 244 00:10:29,855 --> 00:10:31,421 - ♪ ♪ - Ah. 245 00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:34,342 Mm. 246 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,282 Okay, there's nowhere else to sleep. 247 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:41,348 I have no choice. 248 00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,883 ! Ay, caramba! 249 00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,686 Okay, ladies, let's get this over with. 250 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:50,707 (Bart whimpering) 251 00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:51,767 Ah! 252 00:10:54,971 --> 00:10:56,851 No more girlie stuff. Lights out. 253 00:10:56,990 --> 00:11:00,367 As you wish, Prince Pajama Foot. 254 00:11:03,187 --> 00:11:05,288 (lullaby playing) 255 00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:17,028 Most people think the capital is New York, 256 00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:18,363 but it's Albany. 257 00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:19,752 (snores softly) 258 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,179 Most people. 259 00:11:21,372 --> 00:11:23,831 Oh, my God. She's sleep-nerding. 260 00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:26,059 (Maggie snoring) 261 00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:29,688 (screams) 262 00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:32,168 Can I sleep in here with you guys? 263 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,416 Aah! 264 00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:35,860 Oh, sorry, kid, no room at the inn. 265 00:11:36,053 --> 00:11:37,754 That's it! 266 00:11:37,856 --> 00:11:39,989 I am getting my room back! 267 00:11:43,686 --> 00:11:45,428 - Tough day? - Aah! 268 00:11:45,488 --> 00:11:47,096 Would you like some tea? 269 00:11:47,157 --> 00:11:49,197 I found the brand Gwyneth Paltrow likes. 270 00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,929 I think you take it orally. 271 00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:54,120 Well, do you have any wine? 272 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:57,106 Wine? Why, yes. Yes, I do. 273 00:11:57,167 --> 00:12:00,944 (gasps) I'm moving into "quirky best friend" territory. 274 00:12:01,004 --> 00:12:02,612 So, we were supposed to shoot 275 00:12:02,672 --> 00:12:04,701 the big Christmas tree lighting scene tomorrow, 276 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,449 but it turns out Springfield has 277 00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:08,727 a very aggressive beaver population. 278 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,562 (beavers grunting) 279 00:12:10,755 --> 00:12:14,140 So no more big town-wide celebration. 280 00:12:14,292 --> 00:12:15,734 But you need that! 281 00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:18,311 That's the part in every Heartmark Christmas movie 282 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,216 where everybody comes together, 283 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,800 and the jaded outsider is finally won over. 284 00:12:23,902 --> 00:12:26,894 Well, we don't have the time or money or creativity 285 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,300 to come up with something new. 286 00:12:29,324 --> 00:12:32,751 So unless Springfield already has some big event tomorrow, 287 00:12:32,902 --> 00:12:36,254 that's already decorated in Christmas colors... 288 00:12:37,782 --> 00:12:39,716 ♪ ♪ 289 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,753 Great work, Mary. 290 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,773 This movie just might be good enough 291 00:12:54,966 --> 00:12:56,349 to fold laundry to. 292 00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:58,525 How are you gonna explain all the produce 293 00:12:58,561 --> 00:13:00,503 and people wearing shorts? 294 00:13:00,563 --> 00:13:02,300 Eh, so long as the attractive white people 295 00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:05,283 make with the closed-mouth smooches, nobody's complaining. 296 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,932 What is going on here? 297 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,106 I leave to pick up my I-heart-Bibb bibs, 298 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:16,202 and you turn my summer festival into a-a-a holiday set piece! 299 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,421 I thought we had a deal. 300 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,376 But look, everyone's having a great time. 301 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,948 Hey, Skinner, I never thought the Lettice and Tomato Festival 302 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,548 could get any better... But Christmas! 303 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:32,727 Yeah. Makes Okratoberfest seem ridiculous in comparison. 304 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,723 All I gotta do is ruin this movie. 305 00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:39,892 Then I get my room back. 306 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,694 Hmm. Hmm... 307 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:48,117 -Whoa! Hey! -Hey! -(people shrieking) 308 00:13:53,783 --> 00:13:56,334 Aw, no, this is the worst thing to happen to this movie 309 00:13:56,527 --> 00:13:57,985 since someone wrote it. 310 00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:00,672 Okay, that's a wrap for today. 311 00:14:00,865 --> 00:14:03,861 -SKINNER (muffled): Help. Help! -MARY (muffled): Help! Help, help! 312 00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:05,510 We're trapped. 313 00:14:06,905 --> 00:14:09,389 (sighs) It had to be a Christmas movie. 314 00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:16,354 (sighs) Zero bars. 315 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,006 Well, we'll just have to dig our way out. 316 00:14:20,184 --> 00:14:22,839 Aah! What the hell is this fake snow made of? 317 00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,420 I have no idea. 318 00:14:24,522 --> 00:14:26,551 We paid some local lunatic to grind it for us. 319 00:14:26,575 --> 00:14:28,274 Well, I hope you're happy. 320 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,610 First you ruin my festival, and now this. 321 00:14:30,762 --> 00:14:32,186 People loved it! 322 00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:34,947 You heard that pair of nuclear engineering simpletons. 323 00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:36,853 (chuckles): Oh, Lenny and Carl like everything. 324 00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,187 That's their affect. 325 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,286 Is it getting hotter in here? 326 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,622 It would appear our heated verbal sparring 327 00:14:42,774 --> 00:14:44,527 is upping the temperature in this confined space. 328 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,631 Well, I guess we should agree not to talk. 329 00:14:46,744 --> 00:14:48,344 - Fine. - Fine. 330 00:14:59,182 --> 00:15:01,733 Um, maybe this'll cool you down. 331 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,985 Thanks. 332 00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:12,818 Look, I'm sorry I ruined your festival. 333 00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:15,224 No, you made it better. 334 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:18,399 People seemed to actually be showing up on purpose this year. 335 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:20,643 Springfield's lucky to have someone like you 336 00:15:20,703 --> 00:15:22,973 who cares so much about small-town values. 337 00:15:22,997 --> 00:15:24,589 (yawns) 338 00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:27,817 Sure is hot in here. 339 00:15:27,877 --> 00:15:29,819 Perhaps we should huddle closer. 340 00:15:29,879 --> 00:15:31,137 For coolness. 341 00:15:40,631 --> 00:15:41,755 Good morning. 342 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,149 How did you get out? 343 00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:45,112 Well, luckily, the fake snow hardened, 344 00:15:45,136 --> 00:15:46,927 and I was able to dig my way out 345 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,614 with this shoehorn I always carry on my person. 346 00:15:49,807 --> 00:15:51,324 God, you're handy. 347 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,786 One extra-tall, nonfat, triple-vegan espresso mocha, 348 00:15:54,979 --> 00:15:56,957 clean white, two-pump, half-barley water, 349 00:15:56,981 --> 00:15:59,606 half-macadamia milk with room for air. 350 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:02,627 - You remembered. - Who could forget it? 351 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,773 SURGEON FIANCE: Mary? 352 00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:11,043 So this is why you didn't answer my calls. 353 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:12,712 No! It's not what it looks like! 354 00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:15,139 He's just the gazebo builder. 355 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:21,370 You took my room from me, movie lady. 356 00:16:21,431 --> 00:16:23,982 And now it's payback time. 357 00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,985 Hey, everybody! Want to see what this Heartmark phony 358 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,861 really thinks of you? 359 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:32,898 My footage! 360 00:16:33,051 --> 00:16:34,808 Oh. Yeah. 361 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,996 I'm surrounded by a bunch of backwoods, lotto-scratching, 362 00:16:38,189 --> 00:16:39,330 monster-truck-driving, 363 00:16:39,523 --> 00:16:40,977 Big Gulp-guzzling bumpkins. 364 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,074 (gasping) 365 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:45,222 But we opened our hearts to you. 366 00:16:45,246 --> 00:16:47,672 I let myself be whimsical in front of you! 367 00:16:47,865 --> 00:16:51,325 How dare you not be charmed by us. 368 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:52,885 (stomach gurgles) 369 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,682 I may drive a monster truck, 370 00:16:57,833 --> 00:17:00,852 but the real monster is she! 371 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,615 Wait! I didn't mean it! 372 00:17:06,684 --> 00:17:08,934 And we know all about your plans to sell the town 373 00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:12,179 to that big developer who wants to turn it into condos. 374 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,774 No, I'm not. How would I sell the town? 375 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,295 Yeah, all right. Forget I said anything. 376 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:17,905 I took a shot. I whiffed it. 377 00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:19,015 Let's just... move on. 378 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,538 Mary, you got to do something. 379 00:17:20,731 --> 00:17:23,207 Without these Big Gulp-guzzling bumpkins as extras, 380 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,101 we can't finish the movie. 381 00:17:25,161 --> 00:17:26,769 Come back, everyone! 382 00:17:26,829 --> 00:17:28,337 Come back. 383 00:17:30,866 --> 00:17:34,052 I love it when a shoot falls apart. 384 00:17:41,177 --> 00:17:43,394 I was sent here to put out fires. 385 00:17:45,223 --> 00:17:48,808 How could you say those hurtful things about Springfield? 386 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:52,386 I'm sorry, but working on this movie's been so painful. 387 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,648 For me, Christmas is the least wonderful time of the year. 388 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,300 But the song says "the most." 389 00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,285 I know what the song says! 390 00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:04,248 There's a reason I hate Christmas movies. 391 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,253 It all started one winter, 392 00:18:09,446 --> 00:18:11,406 when a movie production came to town. 393 00:18:11,482 --> 00:18:13,925 My dad thought it'd be fun to be an extra. 394 00:18:14,118 --> 00:18:16,152 They cast him as a store employee 395 00:18:16,254 --> 00:18:18,412 in a scene where crazed parents stormed in 396 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,247 to get the hottest toy. 397 00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:21,915 He was trampled to death. 398 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,954 You can still see his last moments on Earth 399 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:26,086 in the trailer for... (sobs) 400 00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:28,755 Jingle All the Way. 401 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,182 (glass shatters) 402 00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,610 (cries) And now I've lost everything, 403 00:18:32,803 --> 00:18:34,612 my fiancé, my dream job 404 00:18:34,805 --> 00:18:35,947 and, worst of all, 405 00:18:36,098 --> 00:18:38,190 the respect of a small town. 406 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,860 Then you do like Springfield. 407 00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,361 I've come to love this place, 408 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,174 with its homespun ways, 409 00:18:44,198 --> 00:18:45,790 its earnest, hardworking folk 410 00:18:45,983 --> 00:18:48,534 and its wonderful airbed-and-breakfasts. 411 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,035 I guess what I'm saying is, 412 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,255 I'm really gonna miss you all. 413 00:18:56,919 --> 00:18:58,136 Airport, please. 414 00:18:58,287 --> 00:18:59,378 Right away. 415 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,472 I just got to make one quick stop. 416 00:19:03,759 --> 00:19:06,572 MARY: The simple townsfolk are rebuilding the set! 417 00:19:06,596 --> 00:19:08,312 It's a miracle! 418 00:19:08,464 --> 00:19:11,965 We're gonna be able to finish this piece of crap after all. 419 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,210 (laughing) 420 00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:16,261 You. But how? 421 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:19,490 I gave a rousing speech about how our Gulps might be big 422 00:19:19,683 --> 00:19:21,384 and our trucks might be monster 423 00:19:21,444 --> 00:19:23,903 but our hearts are enlarged as well. 424 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:27,406 And I secretly filmed you saying nice things to my mom. 425 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,001 And I showed the whole town. 426 00:19:30,194 --> 00:19:33,171 Yeah, and we saw that was the real youse. (chuckles) 427 00:19:33,364 --> 00:19:34,988 (cheering) 428 00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:37,341 Thank you for showing me that small towns 429 00:19:37,493 --> 00:19:39,177 are the best-sized towns of all 430 00:19:39,370 --> 00:19:41,846 and Christmas movies are the best movies, 431 00:19:41,997 --> 00:19:43,850 because everything always works out, 432 00:19:43,874 --> 00:19:45,683 no matter how contrived. 433 00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:48,019 Now let's finish this movie. 434 00:19:48,212 --> 00:19:49,520 (cheering) 435 00:19:49,713 --> 00:19:51,022 Mary, wait, I... 436 00:19:51,215 --> 00:19:52,692 I don't know what happened in that gazebo, 437 00:19:52,716 --> 00:19:53,716 but I don't care! 438 00:19:53,884 --> 00:19:55,008 So who's it gonna be, 439 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:56,485 me or him? 440 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,031 Darling, you're perfect. 441 00:20:00,224 --> 00:20:02,608 But maybe life isn't about perfect. 442 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,851 Skinner... I don't know your first name... 443 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,354 You're the one who remembered how I like my coffee, 444 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:09,540 and that's why I choose you. 445 00:20:09,733 --> 00:20:11,209 ALL: Aw! 446 00:20:12,161 --> 00:20:13,102 Are you nuts? 447 00:20:13,162 --> 00:20:14,356 Pick him! 448 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,066 He's a thousand times better than me. 449 00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:17,289 He's a surgeon. 450 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,217 A handsome surgeon. 451 00:20:19,410 --> 00:20:20,459 What was your plan? 452 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,864 Were you gonna move here? 453 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,554 Were we gonna share a car? 454 00:20:23,706 --> 00:20:26,849 I'm getting dizzy just thinking about your poor decision-making. 455 00:20:29,011 --> 00:20:30,453 This is twice now. 456 00:20:30,513 --> 00:20:32,146 I know. 457 00:20:41,765 --> 00:20:43,765 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 458 00:20:47,938 --> 00:20:49,872 ♪ ♪ 459 00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:57,480 That was the worst movie I've ever seen. 460 00:20:57,540 --> 00:20:59,757 That snow looked so fake. 461 00:20:59,908 --> 00:21:01,575 Mom, uh... 462 00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:02,651 no. 463 00:21:02,712 --> 00:21:04,073 I don't care! 464 00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:05,488 These movies are for moms 465 00:21:05,548 --> 00:21:08,173 and their wine and a cozy throw blanket 466 00:21:08,326 --> 00:21:10,417 and a candle that smells like a pine tree 467 00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:12,414 or hot apples. 468 00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:13,940 If you're not any of those things, 469 00:21:13,964 --> 00:21:16,181 scram before the next one starts. 470 00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:19,151 (muttering) 471 00:21:20,804 --> 00:21:22,613 (inhales deeply) 472 00:21:22,806 --> 00:21:24,615 (sighs contentedly) 473 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,870 Shh! 474 00:21:29,894 --> 00:21:31,894 >>>>oakislandtk<<<<< www.opensubtitles.org 474 00:21:32,305 --> 00:22:32,310 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/6zaba Help other users to choose the best subtitles