1 00:00:03,603 --> 00:00:04,837 (screeches) 2 00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,441 D'oh! 3 00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:12,177 (grunts) 4 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,849 (gasps) Where's your helmet? 5 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,785 D'oh! 6 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,260 ¶ ¶ 7 00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:42,006 ¶ This woman's gonna get what she wants today ¶ 8 00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:46,245 ¶ Barney's gonna buy a new sconce today ¶ 9 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:50,748 ¶ Gonna buy a broom to play quidditch today ¶ 10 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:55,254 ¶ Waylon's gonna get some kitsch today ¶ 11 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,456 ¶ ¶ 12 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,264 ¶ I'm gonna buy some figurines today ¶ 13 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,601 ¶ Some lovely pastoral scenes today ¶ 14 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,604 ¶ I've finally found the rare girl with goat ¶ 15 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:15,507 ¶ I'll stash them all in my NPR tote ¶ 16 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,009 ¶ Today ¶ 17 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:21,446 ¶ The shoppers always haggle, low price ¶ 18 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:25,317 ¶ And Flanders always gives in, too nice ¶ 19 00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:28,953 ¶ Too nice, too nice ¶ 20 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,890 ¶ I'll sell these fuzzy dice ¶ 21 00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:37,295 ¶ Maude bought them as a joke I did not get ¶ 22 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:40,465 ¶ Today, today ¶ 23 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,935 ¶ We'll sell our toys, we pray ¶ 24 00:01:44,070 --> 00:01:49,240 ¶ 'Cause playing is a sin that we regret ¶ 25 00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:50,375 BOTH: Yay! 26 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,211 (cartoon scrambling sound effect) 27 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,379 ¶ ¶ 28 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,184 (trumpets) 29 00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,889 ¶ Criterion Collection: Meryl Streep ¶ 30 00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:07,759 ¶ A box of Easter candy, all Peeps ¶ 31 00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,295 ¶ Today, today ¶ 32 00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:13,898 ¶ I'll undersell eBay ¶ 33 00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:19,204 ¶ We'll get some useless crap today! ¶ 34 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,507 See, Marge? We skip one rehearsal, 35 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,009 and we're totally lost. 36 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,378 ¶ Today! ¶ 37 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,647 Wow, Mr. Flanders. 38 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,950 You're selling your used birthday candles? 39 00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:33,818 Hmm, they relight themselves. 40 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,187 I won't have voodoo in the house. 41 00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:38,190 I'm one. I'm two. 42 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:41,125 I'm three. I'm dizzy. 43 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:42,927 (groans, thud) 44 00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:44,863 Oh. 45 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,533 Do you really want to sell these precious memories? 46 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,268 (chuckles) 47 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,203 They're just earthly possessions, Marge. 48 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,939 All I need is God in my heart, the good book in my hand, and... 49 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,708 (gasps) What are you heathens doing 50 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,710 to my Norman Rockwell commemorative plates?! 51 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,712 (grunting) 52 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,881 We bought 'em, we smash 'em. 53 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,682 Take that, Freedom from Want. 54 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,217 (grunts) 55 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,652 - (boys laugh) - (Flanders groans) 56 00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:09,488 Look at me! I'm Mr. Rogers. 57 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,557 Yeah. And I'm Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. 58 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,225 I'll have what he's having. 59 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,861 - We're having a ball! - Of yarn. 60 00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:18,362 (both laughing) 61 00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:19,998 (groans) 62 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,869 Oh, all this humiliation for... 63 00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,838 (scoffs) $21? 64 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,942 Get out before I turn on the hose! 65 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:33,010 Thank you. 66 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,880 Okay, fine. I'm not selling one more precious tchotchke 67 00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:39,051 unless it's going to a decent, respectful home. 68 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,955 (inhales) 69 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:46,758 (sighs) Damaged corner. 70 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,927 Excuse me, sir? I understand how you feel. 71 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,596 Bart Simpson. Longtime neighbor, first time reader. 72 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,531 May I buy these books? 73 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,434 There's no bad words in these 74 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,901 if that's what you're looking for. 75 00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:58,537 I cut 'em all out. 76 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,705 Mm. 77 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,507 Thank you... 78 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,275 Adultery Ass. 79 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,945 This is why I always carry a fan. 80 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,346 Don't worry, sir. 81 00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:10,515 We're boys who have made our share of mistakes, 82 00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:13,518 but these books will fire up our imaginations. 83 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,392 ¶ ¶ 84 00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,863 My greatest moment! 85 00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,568 Oh, Bart. 86 00:04:30,703 --> 00:04:32,303 I was filming the wrong way. 87 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:34,071 It's all me! 88 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:36,641 This angle makes my nose look big. 89 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,710 Oh! 90 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,312 (groans) 91 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,547 Hmm. 92 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,651 Bart, that's clearly personal. 93 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,153 You have to give it back to Mr. Flanders. 94 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:53,491 You don't have a single little boy bone in your body, do you? 95 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,994 Hey! I did take karate. 96 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:59,398 Till I had an allergic reaction to my gi. 97 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,001 - (bee buzzing) - There's a bee in here! 98 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,203 (grunting) 99 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,439 (groans) 100 00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:09,908 "My Journal." 101 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,344 Wait a minute. 102 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:16,347 I've seen that red ink before, especially the D's and F's. 103 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:19,384 - (thunder crashing) - ¶ ¶ 104 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,756 It's Mrs. Krabappel's diary! 105 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,859 (sniffs) Parliament Lights 100. 106 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,927 That was her brand. 107 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,131 EDNA: Remember: if you can teach one kid one thing, 108 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,267 then today will be a success... 109 00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:38,202 Oh. I forgot Flanders married Krabappel. 110 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,740 I do not need to see the dark side of another marriage. 111 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,143 Let the oceans have it, Bart. 112 00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,712 They're big enough to hide any sin. 113 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,015 You would think so, but no. 114 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,650 Why are corpses so buoyant? 115 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,619 'Cause I ain't dead yet! 116 00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:58,222 The boss ain't gonna like this. 117 00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,357 I'm the boss! 118 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,392 - Do you like it? - No! 119 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,861 LOUIE: Shouldn't we stop those kids? 120 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,562 FAT TONY: We don't kill children. 121 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:06,598 We'll wait till they're 18. 122 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,367 This is your fault, Krabappel. 123 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,069 You taught me to read. 124 00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:13,571 If you read this diary, you'll regret it. 125 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:15,207 Maybe not today... 126 00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:17,542 - Okay, good enough. - (groans) 127 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,181 What's it say?! What's it say?! 128 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,917 Does she write about how well I cleaned the gerbil cage?! 129 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,252 If not, it might be a fake. 130 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,855 It's in there. And a lot more. 131 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,757 She says Chalmers hides his car keys 132 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,827 on the top of his sun visor. 133 00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,463 ¶ ¶ 134 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,366 (tires squealing) 135 00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:44,503 I just became the most powerful kid in school. 136 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,440 Slimmer! 137 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,610 - (tires squealing) - Uh... What the...? 138 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,211 ¶ ¶ 139 00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:57,548 He's got a free yogurt at the car wash. 140 00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:59,617 Let's drop the car off at the car wash, 141 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,519 get the yogurt, and never come back. 142 00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:03,922 The perfect crime! 143 00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:09,461 There they are! Go get 'em! 144 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,730 Yeah, don't worry. We'll get your car, but, uh, 145 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,966 all I can think of now is we should do that, Lou. 146 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,969 Go for a drive just because. 147 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,805 - (grunting happily) - ¶ ¶ 148 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,107 Ugh! 149 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,948 Finally, thanks to Mrs. K, 150 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:33,452 I'll know what goes on in the teachers' lounge. 151 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,154 No, this is not a sales call. 152 00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:39,657 It's an opportunity to improve your life with gutter guards. 153 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,327 Ma'am, are you sure your family will be taken care of 154 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,895 in case of a sinkhole? 155 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:47,264 And with this cruise package, you're guaranteed a deck chair 156 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,999 for one full hour a day. 157 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,736 So can I...? Hello? Hello? 158 00:07:51,871 --> 00:07:53,338 BART: So, working your night school jobs 159 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,972 during school hours, eh? 160 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,508 (laughs) 161 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,609 Oh, you are still there. You're just very quiet. 162 00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,244 I'll wait as long as it takes. 163 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,581 (bell tolling) 164 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:06,250 Reading someone else's diary in a church? 165 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,187 That's the worst thing you can do in a church! 166 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,056 (Irish accent): No, not really. 167 00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,193 Oh, my God. I'm in this. 168 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,794 What did she say? 169 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,964 (angelic choir singing) 170 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:22,800 "I had a wonderful time 171 00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:25,469 "with my spikey-haired after-school buddy. 172 00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:29,373 "Sometimes I have to be tough on him so his behavior gets better, 173 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,342 "but he's smart as a whip. 174 00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:33,044 "When he grows up, 175 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:36,113 I bet there's no door he won't be able to open." 176 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,549 What does that mean? 177 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,817 She's saying you have potential. 178 00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:41,286 Oh, my God. 179 00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,454 I thought she hated me after I glued her to her chair. 180 00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:45,523 And yet she says I have potential. 181 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:48,626 I have a future. The sky's the limit! 182 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,096 ("Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing) 183 00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:56,034 ("Hail to the Chief" playing) 184 00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,404 I got rid of the squeak in your chair, sir. 185 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,406 Good man. 186 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,309 When do I get paid? It's been three weeks. 187 00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:08,079 BART: Wow. Presidential chair tester. 188 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,847 Can't do better than that. 189 00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:11,583 (sighs) This changes everything. 190 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,251 All this time I was showing my butt, 191 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,685 I was actually showing promise. 192 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,755 I'm gonna live up to that potential. 193 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,091 ¶ I used to march down the windy, windy sidewalks ¶ 194 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,026 ¶ Slapping my leg with a riding crop ¶ 195 00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:24,095 ¶ Thinking it made me come off so tough ¶ 196 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:27,598 ¶ I didn't smile because a smile always seemed rehearsed ¶ 197 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,600 ¶ I wasn't afraid of the bullies ¶ 198 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,404 ¶ And that just made the bullies worse. ¶ 199 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,207 Pop art quiz! 200 00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:40,278 Is that a "pop" art quiz, or a "pop art" quiz? 201 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,013 It's a "shut up and fill in the bubbles" quiz. 202 00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,116 Okay, how am I gonna blow this off? 203 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:48,053 Maybe fill in all the bubbles to make a skull. 204 00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,855 Now, hold on, Bart. You have potential. 205 00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,291 Why not really try and do it? 206 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,094 - You think? - (chuckles) Yes. 207 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:57,962 (gasps) 208 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,430 I know this one. It's "B." 209 00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,966 And after "B," the next answer's usually "C." 210 00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:04,369 And the next one I can get from Martin. 211 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:09,307 ¶ ¶ 212 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,408 This cake is for Bart. 213 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,477 He got an "A" on his test. 214 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,612 Mm-hmm. 215 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,981 What's a matter? Wondering how I cheated? 216 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,217 You know, all my thoughts aren't about you. 217 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,820 LISA: How did he do it? I must find out. 218 00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:27,291 (gasps) Oh, God. All my thoughts are about him. 219 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,893 Think pony. Think pony. 220 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,061 - (pony brays) - (yells) 221 00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,397 How'd you do it, Bart? How'd you do it? 222 00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:35,833 We're just gonna be very happy about this grade 223 00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:38,236 and not ask questions. 224 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,338 How did he do it? How did he do it? 225 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,740 Do I have two high-achieving kids? 226 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,809 Oh, be realistic, Marge. 227 00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:47,078 He must be hiding something. 228 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,247 ¶ ¶ 229 00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:56,754 Ah, he's clean. 230 00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,489 And so is his room. 231 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,691 I see you couldn't find out how he did it. 232 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,861 No offense, Mom, but mind if I take a whack? 233 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,430 Help yourself. 234 00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:08,667 How, Maggie? How? 235 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,869 Oh, the treehouse, right. 236 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,139 The answer's in the treehouse. 237 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,211 Ay Krabappel! 238 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,713 This is a new low, even for you. 239 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:23,714 Thanks. 240 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,049 Okay, spill it. 241 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,718 What dirt did you find? 242 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:30,054 I'm only on page 35, but it's so clear she thought I was great. 243 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,655 She really liked me. 244 00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:33,691 Even when I brought in a dead bird from outside, 245 00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,226 which I've actually forgotten. 246 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,560 What? 247 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,729 LISA: Poor, deluded Bart. 248 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,132 She was writing that about her cat. 249 00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,567 She loved how much I love tuna. 250 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,204 I don't remember that either, but it was meaningful to her. 251 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,572 Listen, Bart... 252 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,407 And she said I was too adorable to be sterilized. 253 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,143 Oh, her words, not mine. 254 00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,578 - Bart... - She believed in me. 255 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,579 And now I believe in myself. 256 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,149 And I'll tell you something crazy: I loved getting that "A." 257 00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:00,485 Which means, you know what? Suddenly, I get you. 258 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,487 You don't suck. 259 00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,889 You not only don't suck, you believe in my potential, too. 260 00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:05,923 Don't you? 261 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,092 (groans) 262 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,860 We're just two smart kids. 263 00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:11,428 I... I... I... 264 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,930 (groans) Okay. 265 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,599 I believe in you, too. 266 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,269 And I have nothing more to say except... (grunts) 267 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,237 Nothing but... (groans) 268 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,773 Which is worse, to be cruel or to lie? 269 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,709 They're both great, just like us. 270 00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,377 Two smart kids. 271 00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:27,945 And you know what I'm gonna do now? 272 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,848 I'm gonna change someone else's life for the better. 273 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,216 (cash register dings) 274 00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:33,951 BART: Willie? 275 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,386 I heard-- can't say where-- 276 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,121 that you're actually pretty lonely. 277 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,056 So I got you this little guy. 278 00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:40,958 A Scotsman lonely? 279 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,427 Bannocks to that! 280 00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,462 But I will take your wee coney... 281 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,599 for me evening stew! 282 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:52,803 Do you like your stew? 283 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:56,474 It's got lots of extra carrots for a growing bunny. 284 00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:58,777 And when you grow fat enough, 285 00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:01,645 I'll stick you in a bubbling pot of water... 286 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,115 for your Saturday bath. 287 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:05,483 Oh, I love you. 288 00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,820 (groans) This lie has made Bart a new man. 289 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,555 And it's giving me anxiety attacks. 290 00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:13,324 (hyperventilating) 291 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,325 Relax. Relax. 292 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,995 Ugh, so anxious. (screams) 293 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,665 - What's this? - You've got bumpies! 294 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,468 Let me give you some lotion. 295 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:26,737 I'll be fine. 296 00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:29,440 I just need a calming bath and a good night's sleep. 297 00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:32,310 (gentle music playing) 298 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:39,517 (chanting): Om... om... 299 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,518 Oh, my God! 300 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,322 I'm helping him live a lie that may ruin him! 301 00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:49,627 Hmm. Sometimes tension hives are the result of inner stress. 302 00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:51,962 Is anything bothering you, young lady? 303 00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:54,031 Just the usual-- global disasters, 304 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,534 artificial intelligence taking over, 305 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,203 the cold, dead eyes of Mike Pence. 306 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,373 Hmm. Well, I could refer you to psychological counseling, 307 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,175 but why fix what you can numb? 308 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:07,177 So I'm gonna prescribe some Sleepy and Dopey's 309 00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:09,213 children's chewable Xanax. 310 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,881 (laughs) 311 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,384 I don't want my daughter on meds. 312 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,052 You seem upset, Marge. 313 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:16,887 Talk to your doctor about Troxodone. 314 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,389 You are my doctor. 315 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,691 Well, well, well. Fancy that. 316 00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:21,859 (laughs) 317 00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:23,227 This is gonna turn your life 318 00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:25,729 into an oasis of peaceful zombitude. 319 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,699 Side effects may include bleeding out your ears, 320 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,233 Portuguese insolence, wandering eyebrow, 321 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,068 intense longing for death, and seeing yourself 322 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,304 as others see you. (laughs) 323 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,341 When the last student finishes using the lice comb, 324 00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:38,977 please pass it back up. 325 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,581 Now our major award of the day. 326 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:45,984 For me? 327 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:49,987 But my shelves are already groaning with kudos. 328 00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,589 - Not for you. - Aw. 329 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,491 For the only student who's shown dramatic improvement 330 00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,593 in the history of this school: Bart Simpson! 331 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,728 - Let's hear it for him. - (student coughs) 332 00:14:57,864 --> 00:15:00,497 I'll take names if I don't hear cheers. 333 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,768 STUDENTS (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 334 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,938 I just want to say thank you, Mrs. K. 335 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,240 You wrote the book on teaching. 336 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,576 And now, his sister, Lisa Simpson, 337 00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:15,780 will lead us in a round of "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow." 338 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,415 What? 339 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,618 ¶ For he's a jolly good fellow ¶ 340 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:24,489 ¶ For he's a jolly good fellow... ¶ 341 00:15:25,524 --> 00:15:26,957 To the laser tag water park! 342 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,493 (students cheering) 343 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,432 Take the freeway! It's quicker! 344 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,770 ¶ All of it's based on a lie ¶ 345 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,771 ¶ All of it's based on a lie ¶ 346 00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:43,107 ¶ For he's a jolly big phony ¶ 347 00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,576 ¶ And only I know why. ¶ 348 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,112 (clears throat) Assembly item number two: 349 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,648 - don't take drugs. - I don't! 350 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,784 Our most successful assembly ever. 351 00:15:56,188 --> 00:15:58,989 Thanks to Mrs. K, I fear nothing. Not even long division. 352 00:15:59,125 --> 00:15:59,991 Hmm. 353 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,325 What if there's a remainder? 354 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,627 Still a little scary. 355 00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:06,063 You wanted to do well, but you're not even studying. 356 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,132 You don't have to study when you're on a roll. 357 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:09,833 You heard them cheering me. 358 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,169 STUDENTS (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Not Lisa! 359 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,138 I wish you hadn't had them do that. 360 00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:15,673 You know what I'm gonna do now? 361 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,976 I'm gonna enter the spelling bee. 362 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,679 Um, really? Just like that? 363 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,614 How about a little reality check? 364 00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:25,516 Spell "pneumatic." 365 00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:26,951 No problem. 366 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,020 You're gonna start it with an "N," aren't you? 367 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,022 I'll know when the spotlight hits me. 368 00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:33,691 Two smart kids. 369 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,828 Bart, spelling bees are very public. 370 00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:40,331 So if, by some fluke, you don't do well, 371 00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:43,367 you'll be embarrassed in front of the whole school. 372 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:47,337 Worse than the time you sat on the peanut butter cup. 373 00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:48,873 People knew what it was. 374 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,675 No, they didn't. 375 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,979 LISA: Let him learn his lesson. Let him gain from it. 376 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,713 It's not up to you to save him. 377 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,116 (gasps) 378 00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,351 The first contestant is our most-improved student, 379 00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,721 Bart Simpson, and the word is "interlude." 380 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,524 Um, can you use it in a sentence? 381 00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,626 I need an interlude with my brother! 382 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:11,195 I have to explain something. 383 00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,063 Obsolescence-- O-B... 384 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:15,232 You don't have to explain. It's totally understandable. 385 00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,068 You're just jealous. I used to be a mixed-up kid like you. 386 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,471 You're just not reading the right diaries. 387 00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:21,905 MILHOUSE: Obsequious... 388 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,841 Bart, there's a page in the diary you didn't read yet. 389 00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,044 (inhales) I'm sorry. 390 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,412 I'm so sorry. 391 00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,348 I just don't want you hurt. 392 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,685 "My special little guy has the fluffiest tail"? 393 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,020 Still think she's talking about you? 394 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,090 Could be. I played a reindeer in the school play. 395 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:41,391 Which was weird, because it wasn't a Christmas play. 396 00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:42,492 Keep reading. 397 00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,361 "Purring when I pet him"? 398 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,863 "Scratching at the bell on his collar"? 399 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,599 "Always using his litter box appropriately"? 400 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,068 Oh, it wasn't me who had potential. 401 00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,571 It's a frickin' cat! 402 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,742 (whimpering) 403 00:17:58,744 --> 00:17:59,777 (gasps) 404 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,412 (whimpering) 405 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,582 Oh. No bumps. 406 00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,852 - I brought you dinner. - Don't want it. 407 00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:10,521 I'm just a loser kid, and that's all I will ever be. 408 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,056 Oh, honey... 409 00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:13,524 Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge 410 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,393 if you try to make me feel better right now. 411 00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,261 Hmm... 412 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,300 So, I understand 413 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,903 you've been reading Edna's diary. 414 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,638 Yeah, I'm sorry. 415 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,241 I sure hope there's something in the Bible about forgiveness. 416 00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,142 Son, I'm not here to judge you. 417 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,144 Curiosity is one of the devil's sharpest tools. 418 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,447 That's why I don't even look down in the shower. 419 00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:39,083 Eyes always up into God's scalding water. 420 00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:40,751 (chuckles) 421 00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:42,820 Okay, I'll get to the point. I'm here to tell you 422 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,655 something that might make you feel better. 423 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,256 Did you know Edna and I once 424 00:18:46,392 --> 00:18:48,258 were thinking of leaving Springfield? 425 00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:49,960 Oh, I feel so much better. 426 00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:52,496 How does he do it? I don't know! 427 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:54,331 But the fact is we didn't move. 428 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,800 We had a family meeting. 429 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,635 It was Todd's turn at the gavel. 430 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,669 TODD: Order! Order! 431 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:02,939 Now, we can't leave Springfield unless it's unanimous. Todd? 432 00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,842 TODD: I vote "yes." I can finally get away 433 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,811 from that ladybug that scares me. 434 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:10,748 I'm tired of Mr. Simpson peeing in our bird bath. 435 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:14,184 Well, that's one, two, three, and... 436 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,019 I have to stay here in Springfield, 437 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,088 because boys like Bart Simpson need me. 438 00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:20,490 Sweet, misunderstood boys, 439 00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:23,260 who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness 440 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,029 that's trapped inside them 441 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,865 and is desperately trying to get out. 442 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,199 (sneezes) 443 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,202 She was allergic to the cat, but, uh, 444 00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,203 you were nothing to sneeze at, son. 445 00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:35,539 Well, did that help? 446 00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:36,873 Yeah! 447 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,676 Now let us give thanks. 448 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,978 If only people stopped when they made their point. 449 00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:42,379 But thanks. 450 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,381 And this belongs to you. 451 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,849 You might want to read it. 452 00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,551 You come off pretty well. 453 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,187 No sirree, Bob. Those are Edna's private thoughts, 454 00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:52,523 and they're gonna stay private. 455 00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:54,858 Did you fix Bart? 456 00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,026 Yep. 457 00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:57,394 What's in your hand? 458 00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,797 Uh, uh, nothing. 459 00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:02,233 ¶ ¶ 460 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,301 "Now that I've been with Ned a year, 461 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:06,403 he's made my life a living..." 462 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:09,373 I'll think of a penance. 463 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,743 "Dream come true." 464 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,479 Oh. (sniffles) Now I got to clean my specs. 465 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,048 Thanks, Edna. 466 00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:25,823 ¶ I found her diary underneath a tree ¶ 467 00:20:25,959 --> 00:20:30,361 ¶ And started reading about me ¶ 468 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:36,434 ¶ The words she'd written took me by surprise ¶ 469 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:40,504 ¶ You'd never read them in her eyes ¶ 470 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:46,510 ¶ All the sweet things they can find. ¶ 471 00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:51,382 ¶ ¶ 472 00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:01,359 (singers vocalizing) 473 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:26,050 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 474 00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:28,051 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 475 00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:29,986 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 476 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,622 Shh! 477 00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:37,028 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org