1
00:00:08,420 --> 00:00:10,510
D'oh!
2
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:16,770
Hmm?
3
00:00:16,870 --> 00:00:17,870
Mmm.
4
00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:43,800
Welcome. Good to see you.
5
00:00:43,950 --> 00:00:45,800
If you're here
to use the bathroom,
6
00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:48,140
try the Burger King next door.
7
00:00:48,290 --> 00:00:50,230
Actually,
we'd like to buy something.
8
00:00:50,380 --> 00:00:52,876
Wunderbar. I offer many things.
9
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:54,286
Astounding tricks,
10
00:00:54,310 --> 00:00:56,400
confounding illusions.
11
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,800
I also fix iPhones.
12
00:00:58,890 --> 00:01:01,060
You've heard of Steve Jobs?
13
00:01:01,150 --> 00:01:03,800
This is my kid, "No Jobs."
14
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:05,896
- Dad!
- He's been angry
15
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,990
since I made his mother
disappear
16
00:01:08,090 --> 00:01:11,250
with my cold attitude
and the philandering.
17
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:12,650
Achtung, Gramps.
18
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:15,070
I want to buy a magic set
for my sister's birthday
19
00:01:15,170 --> 00:01:17,056
'cause that's the kind
of lame-o thing she'd like.
20
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,910
Magic is not "lame-o."
21
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,410
Let me show you a trick
that made Angela Merkel say,
22
00:01:22,510 --> 00:01:25,270
"You are
the worst Uber driver ever."
23
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,270
This underwear was once worn
24
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,270
by Babar, King of the Elephants.
25
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:33,680
Elephant underwear
is tighty-whities on Homer.
26
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,440
Why, you little...!
27
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,690
What the...? The more I pull,
28
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,020
the tighter it gets.
29
00:01:41,180 --> 00:01:43,680
The only solution? Pull more.
30
00:01:49,030 --> 00:01:50,790
Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah-nyeah-nyeah!
31
00:01:51,020 --> 00:01:52,630
Will you two ever stop?
32
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:53,800
Ever?
33
00:01:53,950 --> 00:01:56,130
Ah! Is it the future you seek?
34
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,540
Well, then,
move through this beaded curtain
35
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:03,360
and past the Keurig coffee maker
I bought but never use.
36
00:02:07,870 --> 00:02:11,040
Let us see what the tarot cards
have to say.
37
00:02:11,170 --> 00:02:13,126
Eh. Tarot cards don't work.
38
00:02:13,150 --> 00:02:16,480
Don't they, Madam President?
39
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:22,206
Now let us see
what happens to Homer and Bart.
40
00:02:22,230 --> 00:02:23,990
How does he know our names?
41
00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:26,570
They are
on your Starbucks coffee cups.
42
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:29,000
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
43
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,646
Good news, Homer.
44
00:02:31,670 --> 00:02:32,670
In the future,
45
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:34,726
- you stop drinking.
- Oh...
46
00:02:34,750 --> 00:02:37,660
And the boy
becomes a fine person.
47
00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:38,840
What? No!
48
00:02:39,070 --> 00:02:40,816
Reversum predictum!
49
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,986
It's licorice. Have some.
50
00:02:43,010 --> 00:02:44,180
Mmm...
51
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:46,996
Now I turn more cards and...
52
00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:49,680
Oh, dear.
This is rough. Very bad.
53
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,080
What? What?
54
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:52,690
There will be years of trouble
55
00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:55,110
between Marge and Lisa.
56
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,860
The trouble begins
when you decide
57
00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:05,416
where you will go to college.
58
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,700
What? Why are you saying that?
What's wrong?
59
00:03:07,850 --> 00:03:09,926
Do I get wait-listed? Gap year?
60
00:03:09,950 --> 00:03:11,926
Cornell?!
61
00:03:11,950 --> 00:03:13,710
Let's just say
things have changed
62
00:03:13,940 --> 00:03:15,620
when you are 17.
63
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,130
Rise and shine!
64
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,706
Ugh, Mom, please.
65
00:03:29,730 --> 00:03:31,390
I was asleep.
66
00:03:31,540 --> 00:03:33,140
Today's the day
you're gonna find out
67
00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:35,230
what colleges you get into.
68
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:37,720
Who cares?
They all lost their glitter
69
00:03:37,810 --> 00:03:39,460
when Netflix bought Yale.
70
00:03:39,550 --> 00:03:41,240
Well, you will be
the first Simpson
71
00:03:41,350 --> 00:03:44,740
to ever finish college
now that Bart's given up.
72
00:03:44,970 --> 00:03:46,800
Why should I go to college?
73
00:03:46,890 --> 00:03:48,320
I've become a master
74
00:03:48,410 --> 00:03:50,890
of Fruit Ninja.
75
00:03:54,730 --> 00:03:56,810
Salad complete.
76
00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:58,330
Booyah.
77
00:04:01,670 --> 00:04:03,406
There she is.
78
00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:06,760
Our family's last
and only remaining hope.
79
00:04:06,990 --> 00:04:08,750
Putting on a little pressure
there, Grampa?
80
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,576
It's just that you're
the only worthwhile Simpson
81
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:12,830
since... ever.
82
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,486
I'm counting on you
to find the cure
83
00:04:14,510 --> 00:04:15,896
for everything
that's gonna kill me.
84
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,440
No pressure.
85
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:20,670
Wait a minute.
This is on the wrong eye.
86
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,030
Ooh, much better.
87
00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:28,950
Lisa, I have a question.
88
00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:32,506
Please, don't mention
the word "college."
89
00:04:32,530 --> 00:04:34,030
College? No way.
90
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,350
This is a surprise promposal.
91
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:38,790
Guess who I hired to ask you
on my behalf.
92
00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:40,190
My dad.
93
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,780
Imitating Seth MacFarlane
imitating Frank Sinatra.
94
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,186
♪ Take him to the prom ♪
95
00:04:46,210 --> 00:04:50,616
♪ And let him dance
forevermore ♪
96
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,286
♪ If you turn him down ♪
97
00:04:53,310 --> 00:04:56,980
♪ He will curl up on the floor ♪
98
00:04:57,210 --> 00:04:58,956
♪ In other words ♪
99
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:01,560
♪ We're desperate ♪
100
00:05:01,710 --> 00:05:03,040
We really are.
101
00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:06,210
♪ A pity "yes" will do. ♪
102
00:05:06,310 --> 00:05:10,136
And you'll have to drive
'cause he can't. Ha!
103
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,640
I can see you're tempted, Lis.
104
00:05:11,740 --> 00:05:14,160
There's nothing cooler
than a guy who's graduated
105
00:05:14,310 --> 00:05:17,410
coming back for a younger kid's
prom.
106
00:05:18,410 --> 00:05:22,490
Get out of here before
I accidentally say "okay."
107
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:23,990
Did I hear an "okay"?
108
00:05:29,740 --> 00:05:31,420
Aw, hey, kid. What's the matter?
109
00:05:31,570 --> 00:05:34,240
Your whole life, for reasons
I'll never understand,
110
00:05:34,330 --> 00:05:36,350
you've been looking forward
to college.
111
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:37,576
Today, you get in.
112
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,600
Things have changed
since I was a kid.
113
00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:43,080
College costs a fortune,
and does it really do any good?
114
00:05:43,180 --> 00:05:45,920
All you get is a piece of paper
with your name on it.
115
00:05:46,010 --> 00:05:47,250
And it's written in Latin,
116
00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:49,440
so the only people
who can actually read it
117
00:05:49,530 --> 00:05:51,760
are dead Romans
and Catholic priests.
118
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:55,440
And last I checked, none of them
are handing out jobs.
119
00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:59,780
Then why did you study so hard
and miss all the fun?
120
00:06:01,030 --> 00:06:04,130
♪ Old days ♪
121
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,880
♪ Good times I remember ♪
122
00:06:09,030 --> 00:06:11,340
♪ Fun days ♪
123
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:15,390
♪ Filled with simple pleasure. ♪
124
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:17,950
I don't know now.
I think of all those years
125
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,640
where instead of being
behind a book,
126
00:06:19,730 --> 00:06:21,450
I could've played kickball.
127
00:06:21,550 --> 00:06:23,560
So many jump ropes un-jumped.
128
00:06:23,790 --> 00:06:25,900
Do you ever feel regret, Bart?
129
00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:28,220
I regret
starting this conversation.
130
00:06:28,310 --> 00:06:31,296
Every one. I got into every one.
131
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,800
Why does this moment
feel so empty?
132
00:06:35,470 --> 00:06:38,900
Come one, come all.
Don't miss it.
133
00:06:38,990 --> 00:06:40,320
Lisa, I told everyone
134
00:06:40,420 --> 00:06:42,160
you're going to make
your pick today.
135
00:06:42,250 --> 00:06:44,750
This is the greatest moment
of my life.
136
00:06:44,980 --> 00:06:47,090
Drumroll!
137
00:06:50,150 --> 00:06:51,910
♪ A Simpson got into college ♪
138
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,990
♪ A Simpson
got into college ♪
139
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,100
♪ A Simpson got into college ♪
140
00:06:57,330 --> 00:07:00,230
♪ And I just never applied. ♪
141
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,270
Everyone, shh!
It's the moment of truth.
142
00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:08,680
Congratulations, Lisa.
Which one are you gonna choose?
143
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,240
Bob Jones. Bob Jones. Bob Jones.
144
00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:14,840
I, uh...
145
00:07:14,930 --> 00:07:17,330
I'm not going to college.
146
00:07:18,180 --> 00:07:19,676
What?! Quit joking.
147
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,460
Marge, nobody knows comedy
like I don't.
148
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,176
She's not joking.
149
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,630
Lisa, you can't do this.
We're counting on you.
150
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,016
Well, you know, Marge,
I didn't go to college,
151
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,650
and I'm wealthy
in the most important way:
152
00:07:31,710 --> 00:07:33,276
lack of student loans.
153
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:35,360
Do not encourage her.
154
00:07:35,450 --> 00:07:37,526
Marge, her not going to college
155
00:07:37,550 --> 00:07:40,810
is the most money
I'll ever earn.
156
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,870
Lisa, please. I'm giving you
157
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:45,720
one last chance
to salvage this day.
158
00:07:45,870 --> 00:07:47,150
I've lived for this moment.
159
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,980
And all I've ever asked from you
160
00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:51,540
is that everything
that never happened to me
161
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:52,650
happens to you.
162
00:07:52,810 --> 00:07:55,140
And that justifies
my existence on Earth
163
00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:58,306
for the hours I spent
holding you, cleaning you,
164
00:07:58,330 --> 00:08:00,740
cooking your supper,
drying your tears,
165
00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:02,070
catching your colds
166
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:05,070
and burying
every personal need I had
167
00:08:05,230 --> 00:08:07,170
just so I could have
the brief joy
168
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,000
of setting up your dorm room
169
00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:11,396
with the roommate
from the fancy family
170
00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:15,250
who you'll spend the holidays
with on their ranch in Colorado
171
00:08:15,350 --> 00:08:18,066
instead of coming home to me.
172
00:08:18,090 --> 00:08:20,420
Once and for all,
173
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,850
which college are you going to?
174
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,440
None.
175
00:08:35,850 --> 00:08:37,940
I just wanted to say one thing.
176
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:40,176
- What's that?
- Ingrate!
177
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,040
I'm sorry,
but could you have decided
178
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:44,756
you didn't want to go to college
before ten years
179
00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:48,120
of me driving you
to saxophone lessons, SAT prep,
180
00:08:48,270 --> 00:08:52,510
college tours of colleges
you were never gonna go to?!
181
00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:58,370
Could it be
182
00:08:58,460 --> 00:09:00,300
that I'm finally
the favorite parent?
183
00:09:00,390 --> 00:09:02,520
Maggie, whose side are you on?
184
00:09:05,380 --> 00:09:07,400
I don't like
how digital she's getting.
185
00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:10,730
Aw, you know just what to say.
186
00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:13,216
Honey,
187
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,546
I baked you brownies to eat
188
00:09:14,570 --> 00:09:17,650
while you reconsider
stuff you've done or said.
189
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,320
Wait a minute.
Do you actually think
190
00:09:19,470 --> 00:09:22,580
your brownies
will affect my life decisions?
191
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,150
They have walnuts in them.
192
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:26,660
Mom, I never really liked
your brownies,
193
00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:28,970
and I'm not going to college.
194
00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:31,160
Really? Who are you?
195
00:09:31,310 --> 00:09:32,976
All my life,
I did what I thought
196
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,500
other people wanted me to do.
197
00:09:34,590 --> 00:09:36,170
Now I'm doing what I want.
198
00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:39,500
Oh. Someday, you're gonna have
a daughter of your own,
199
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,170
and you'll see how I feel.
200
00:09:41,260 --> 00:09:43,080
Who says I'm gonna have kids?
201
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:44,486
No college? No kids?
202
00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:47,080
How dare you lead the life
I wish I'd led.
203
00:09:47,180 --> 00:09:49,826
I'm burned out.
I'm so burned out.
204
00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:52,440
I just need some time to think.
205
00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:53,916
Okay. Just promise me
206
00:09:53,940 --> 00:09:56,166
that before you make
any final decisions,
207
00:09:56,190 --> 00:09:59,666
- you'll talk to...
- I know, I know. My father.
208
00:09:59,690 --> 00:10:00,926
I'm talking about the man
209
00:10:00,950 --> 00:10:02,860
who's been there
for every birthday.
210
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:07,030
The one man who took pride
in your every achievement.
211
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,656
I'd love to talk with you,
Lisa, but first,
212
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,130
boys, it's 6:00 p.m.
Time for bed.
213
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:12,960
Yay!
214
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,300
College was my dream.
Then I thought,
215
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,686
"Is it really my dream
or just everyone else's?"
216
00:10:19,710 --> 00:10:21,450
Lisa, use the gifts God gave you
217
00:10:21,550 --> 00:10:23,300
for whatever path
He puts you on.
218
00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:24,960
Get a job. Learn the pride
219
00:10:25,050 --> 00:10:26,966
that comes
with getting your own paycheck.
220
00:10:26,990 --> 00:10:30,050
Of course. The dignity of work.
221
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,956
Thank you, Mr. Flanders.
222
00:10:31,980 --> 00:10:34,456
Daddy, can you come upstairs?
223
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:35,890
We're scared.
224
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,150
Daddy, bring the monster spray!
225
00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:41,450
I may have over-coddled them
just a little bit.
226
00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:44,830
Now, I'm afraid
the next kilometer
227
00:10:44,980 --> 00:10:47,900
on Lisa's autobahn of life
would not be,
228
00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:50,500
as you say, easy peasy.
229
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,000
Ooh, could I double down
on those?
230
00:10:56,230 --> 00:10:57,840
This is not blackjack.
231
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,816
I said hit me.
232
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,080
Not blackjack.
233
00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:02,566
Come on, pal, hit me.
234
00:11:02,590 --> 00:11:03,566
Fine.
235
00:11:03,590 --> 00:11:04,826
You're busted.
236
00:11:04,850 --> 00:11:07,656
D'oh! Should've held
on the hard Knave of Cups.
237
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,580
I have no regrets.
238
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,330
I have no regrets.
239
00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,760
I have no regrets.
240
00:11:17,250 --> 00:11:19,860
Simpson, the corn
isn't sticking to the dogs.
241
00:11:20,090 --> 00:11:22,346
Why did I waste 30 minutes
training you?
242
00:11:22,370 --> 00:11:24,850
Now the pulp is settling
in the lemonade!
243
00:11:24,940 --> 00:11:26,370
Pump! Pump!
244
00:11:26,590 --> 00:11:28,040
Pump...!
245
00:11:28,260 --> 00:11:29,926
Why am I working here?
246
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,210
Even I can't answer that,
247
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,780
and I was a philosophy major
at Brown.
248
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:34,856
Brown!
249
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,530
Brown...!
250
00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:39,120
God, that job sucks.
251
00:11:39,270 --> 00:11:41,110
Here's a little secret, honey.
252
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,200
All jobs suck.
253
00:11:42,290 --> 00:11:44,130
That's why you get paid
to do them.
254
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:45,630
So you had your gap week.
255
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,946
Now you're finally going
to college, right?
256
00:11:47,970 --> 00:11:49,540
No. Not ever.
257
00:11:49,630 --> 00:11:52,120
Okay, I can't change this,
and I can't accept this.
258
00:11:52,210 --> 00:11:55,650
What do I do? Go downstairs
and yell into the dryer.
259
00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:00,050
Why is she doing this?!
260
00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:01,570
Why won't she go to college?!
261
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,720
We've been planning this
her whole life!
262
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,060
Why?!
263
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,180
I'll have that picture
and that picture
264
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,910
and a diet that picture,
if'n you please.
265
00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:11,556
Can't you read the names?
266
00:12:11,580 --> 00:12:12,650
No, ma'am.
267
00:12:12,810 --> 00:12:14,320
You seem to read just fine,
268
00:12:14,420 --> 00:12:16,400
and you're stuck in this dump.
269
00:12:16,490 --> 00:12:17,600
Not anymore.
270
00:12:17,660 --> 00:12:19,236
I know what I'm gonna do.
271
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:22,500
I hope it starts with pressin'
the button what brings my food.
272
00:12:22,590 --> 00:12:24,590
Nope. I'm not gonna learn.
273
00:12:24,820 --> 00:12:25,820
I'm gonna teach!
274
00:12:25,990 --> 00:12:27,840
I'm gonna start
an after-school program,
275
00:12:27,990 --> 00:12:30,580
individualized
and accessible to children
276
00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:32,076
who fall through the cracks.
277
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,160
What are you going to do
for money?
278
00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:35,326
Workman's comp.
279
00:12:35,350 --> 00:12:37,980
I'd like to see you try.
280
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:40,610
On my way!
281
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,930
Whoo-hoo!
282
00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:45,280
Welcome to the Boundless
Horizons School,
283
00:12:45,510 --> 00:12:47,190
where I'm gonna change
your lives
284
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,360
and you're gonna write letters
to me forever
285
00:12:49,510 --> 00:12:53,290
and you'll say I was
your most influential person.
286
00:12:53,510 --> 00:12:56,346
Just exactly how
are you gonna teach us?
287
00:12:56,370 --> 00:12:59,016
Well, I'm gonna use
every trick there is.
288
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,776
I'll put the desks in a circle.
289
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,200
I'll take
the toughest one of you
290
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:05,186
and put him or her in charge
of making everyone behave.
291
00:13:05,210 --> 00:13:09,186
And I'll teach Shakespeare
using dances from TikTok.
292
00:13:09,210 --> 00:13:10,810
♪ Out, out, damned spot ♪
293
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,700
♪ This is the way that
Shakespeare should be taught. ♪
294
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:19,040
Her incredible lameness
has me riveted.
295
00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:21,870
Finally, someone who gets me
as a stereotype.
296
00:13:21,970 --> 00:13:23,820
Wait one minute, young lady.
297
00:13:24,050 --> 00:13:25,970
You cannot just open
your own school
298
00:13:26,060 --> 00:13:28,490
and start to better
random lives.
299
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,706
Um...
300
00:13:29,730 --> 00:13:30,970
You have to sign this form
301
00:13:31,070 --> 00:13:33,900
and pay a $25 city business tax.
302
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,280
Okay.
303
00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:37,000
Just give me the change, please.
304
00:13:37,220 --> 00:13:38,670
Uh, this is embarrassing.
305
00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:40,816
Um, I'm not great at math.
306
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,500
Leave that to me.
307
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,760
Lisa Simpson's
after-school program
308
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,600
has been a tremendous success.
309
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,416
Unlike the news business.
310
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,700
Lisa now has over 100 franchises
here in the Illiteracy Belt.
311
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,030
And now, given her high profile
and 80% approval rating,
312
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:13,260
Lisa's running
for state school superintendent
313
00:14:13,350 --> 00:14:15,780
against incumbent Gary Chalmers.
314
00:14:15,930 --> 00:14:17,600
Under my opponent,
315
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,360
test scores have fallen.
316
00:14:19,450 --> 00:14:22,360
Graduation rates have fallen.
317
00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:26,380
I am not going to stand here and
listen to some nasty woman...
318
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,550
I-I'm just trying to make
a point, all right?
319
00:14:30,780 --> 00:14:33,720
I'm not gonna let some stupid,
nasty, homely woman...
320
00:14:35,890 --> 00:14:37,536
Simpson!
321
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:38,620
I concede.
322
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,300
Uh, congratulations.
323
00:14:41,790 --> 00:14:43,670
Beloved superintendent
of schools, Lisa Simpson,
324
00:14:43,790 --> 00:14:45,230
is now running for governor!
325
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,046
Soon she'll move
beyond the scope
326
00:14:47,070 --> 00:14:49,400
of a career-stuck
local anchorman like me.
327
00:14:49,630 --> 00:14:51,130
This is
Kent Brockman signing off.
328
00:14:51,220 --> 00:14:53,060
Lisa Simpson, governor of...
329
00:14:53,110 --> 00:14:54,150
is running for president.
330
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,140
Not even her
highly damaged relationship
331
00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:57,820
with her mother
can stop her now.
332
00:14:57,910 --> 00:14:59,250
Nate Silver analyzes.
333
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,920
Well, George,
Lisa is doing great
334
00:15:01,140 --> 00:15:02,260
with disenchanted daughters.
335
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,250
Also tiger moms,
checked-out dads
336
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,310
and grandparents
who like everything,
337
00:15:06,410 --> 00:15:07,930
plus middle children,
nerds of all ages
338
00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:09,650
and saxophonists
above second chair.
339
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,240
Now, it's a week
before the election but...
340
00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:15,100
What the hell...
I'm calling it for Lisa.
341
00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:16,670
My work here is done.
342
00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:18,060
Good luck, America.
343
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,750
It's 5:38 somewhere.
344
00:15:23,830 --> 00:15:26,110
This just in.
Lisa Simpson has been elected
345
00:15:26,330 --> 00:15:28,496
the eighth president
who did not go to college,
346
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,996
joining George Washington,
Abraham Lincoln
347
00:15:31,020 --> 00:15:32,350
and Harry S. Truman.
348
00:15:32,450 --> 00:15:34,926
Think about that when you're
paying your student loans.
349
00:15:34,950 --> 00:15:36,426
Stephanopoulos out.
350
00:15:36,450 --> 00:15:39,336
My daughter
really becomes president?
351
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,770
Yes. But you have to learn it
on the streets.
352
00:15:45,130 --> 00:15:47,690
Great news
about your daughter, Marge.
353
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,710
She's finally going to college?
354
00:15:49,860 --> 00:15:51,210
No. She's president.
355
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,970
You knew that, didn't you?
356
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,100
Oh, crap.
I really am out of the loop.
357
00:15:58,530 --> 00:16:01,030
Look, the heart of the story
is Lisa and me.
358
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:02,810
Do we finally get along?
359
00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:04,310
Also, in the future,
360
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,480
how many more Ghostbusters
do they make?
361
00:16:06,710 --> 00:16:10,060
Four. The gay Ghostbusters
is fantastic.
362
00:16:10,150 --> 00:16:12,820
Can't we dwell on the fact
that I was president?
363
00:16:12,970 --> 00:16:15,380
So concerned about your futures
364
00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:17,320
but no one cares about mine.
365
00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:18,880
I won't get into details,
366
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:22,716
but my body winds up in
the dumpster behind the store.
367
00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:24,810
Do any of you give a damn?
368
00:16:26,730 --> 00:16:27,730
Very well.
369
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,146
Now we have come
to the final two cards.
370
00:16:30,170 --> 00:16:32,230
The future will be revealed.
371
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,420
But first, I want to plug
my gig this Saturday
372
00:16:35,510 --> 00:16:38,350
at the Comedy & Magic Club.
373
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,850
I conjure the spirit
of Rodney Dangerfield.
374
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,090
Ich bekomme keinen Respekt.
375
00:16:45,250 --> 00:16:46,760
I'm telling you.
376
00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:48,760
Ah. Here we are.
377
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,430
It's Inauguration Day,
378
00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:54,530
and Marge and Lisa
are barely speaking.
379
00:16:56,590 --> 00:16:59,350
And I promise you that,
as your president,
380
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,680
I will obsess over your welfare,
381
00:17:01,780 --> 00:17:04,110
because I don't have a life!
382
00:17:04,270 --> 00:17:05,926
You're all I've got!
383
00:17:05,950 --> 00:17:08,620
And I will serve you.
384
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,630
And we'll get right on that!
385
00:17:16,780 --> 00:17:18,110
Madam President,
386
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,776
just after you were sworn in,
387
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,606
your predecessor
finally conceded.
388
00:17:21,630 --> 00:17:24,950
These transitional tantrums
get longer and longer.
389
00:17:26,230 --> 00:17:29,206
Okay, he promised
he'd leave after he did that.
390
00:17:29,230 --> 00:17:31,376
But you're going to be
a great president.
391
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,220
Thank you.
392
00:17:33,310 --> 00:17:34,980
But maybe not a happy one.
393
00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:36,046
Bart!
394
00:17:36,070 --> 00:17:38,070
Oh, I almost hugged you.
395
00:17:38,220 --> 00:17:39,820
Well, I almost wish you had.
396
00:17:39,910 --> 00:17:41,390
Oh. I think I will.
397
00:17:41,490 --> 00:17:42,490
I hope you do.
398
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:44,820
I know what you need.
399
00:17:44,910 --> 00:17:47,920
Some President's Choice
High Carumba.
400
00:17:48,140 --> 00:17:49,966
Why did you bring that here?
401
00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:51,090
A: it's legal.
402
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:52,860
B: somehow still cool.
403
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,380
And C: you really need
to chill out.
404
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:05,470
He's with me! He's with me!
405
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,770
Oh, I got to tell you something.
406
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,420
Now that we're both grown
and successful...
407
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:12,656
You, president,
408
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,180
me, pot CEO
409
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,940
and owner of three NBA teams...
410
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:18,500
I feel different.
411
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,666
I really, really,
really don't hate you.
412
00:18:21,690 --> 00:18:22,766
Aw.
413
00:18:22,790 --> 00:18:24,620
Got anything to say to me?
414
00:18:24,850 --> 00:18:26,860
Um... yes.
415
00:18:27,010 --> 00:18:28,030
All right.
416
00:18:28,180 --> 00:18:29,266
I'll admit it.
417
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:32,290
I've always been
kind of a pain in the butt.
418
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:33,130
Wow.
419
00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:34,846
If you had said that earlier,
420
00:18:34,870 --> 00:18:37,110
even I would have voted for you.
421
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:42,640
Wow, that's pretty cool
422
00:18:42,790 --> 00:18:45,860
for someone who was
always unpopular.
423
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,356
But, but wait!
424
00:18:47,380 --> 00:18:48,220
Not my fault.
425
00:18:48,310 --> 00:18:50,390
Because,
I don't know if you know,
426
00:18:50,540 --> 00:18:54,310
but I did not come from a family
that made things easy.
427
00:18:54,470 --> 00:18:57,560
Well, maybe you didn't make
things easier for them either.
428
00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:59,710
Maybe Mom was the one
who was helping you
429
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,800
in ways you don't even remember.
430
00:19:03,050 --> 00:19:05,370
♪ Old days ♪
431
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,890
♪ Good times I remember ♪
432
00:19:09,980 --> 00:19:11,410
♪ Fun days... ♪
433
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:14,080
Oh, wow.
434
00:19:20,490 --> 00:19:21,656
Mom?
435
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,010
She's clean.
Checked her hair.
436
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,420
Took 45 minutes.
437
00:19:24,570 --> 00:19:26,850
I'm here to see
if you'll finally admit
438
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,420
you'd be better off
if you'd gone to college.
439
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:30,590
Are you crazy?
440
00:19:30,740 --> 00:19:32,740
You still can't admit
you were wrong.
441
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,410
Let me tell you something, lady.
442
00:19:34,510 --> 00:19:37,020
Wait a minute.
Just-just wait a minute.
443
00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:38,580
I'm president now.
444
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,590
I have a lot of resources.
445
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,180
Where's my mom translator?
446
00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:46,086
Maybe I started off
on the wrong foot.
447
00:19:46,110 --> 00:19:48,426
"You constantly let me down."
448
00:19:48,450 --> 00:19:51,450
Of course, I appreciate
everything you're saying.
449
00:19:51,570 --> 00:19:53,596
"You were never really in
my corner."
450
00:19:53,620 --> 00:19:56,710
I may have said
a lot of things in anger.
451
00:19:56,860 --> 00:19:59,600
"I meant what I said
and I will stick to it.
452
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:03,780
But no matter what,
I was always proud of you."
453
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,606
You made me mad, too.
454
00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:07,800
"I was hurt
because I care so much.
455
00:20:07,970 --> 00:20:11,776
All the respect and love I have
for people came from you."
456
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,210
That's nice to hear.
457
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:14,710
"I love you so much."
458
00:20:15,810 --> 00:20:17,710
"I love you, too."
459
00:20:17,810 --> 00:20:20,956
Oh, oh.
460
00:20:20,980 --> 00:20:22,810
Okay, you can go now.
461
00:20:22,910 --> 00:20:25,046
"This translator is fantastic.
462
00:20:25,070 --> 00:20:26,560
Give her a raise."
463
00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:44,170
Okay. I enjoyed that story,
but I got to know,
464
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,820
how much is really true?
465
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,650
Let me consult the oracle.
466
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:51,160
Okay, Lisa,
I'll give it to you straight.
467
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,770
You've got a 98% chance
of going to college,
468
00:20:53,990 --> 00:20:55,250
83% Ivy League,
469
00:20:55,350 --> 00:20:56,830
47% chance of a boyfriend,
470
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,830
72% chance of a girlfriend.
471
00:20:58,920 --> 00:20:59,920
Oh!
472
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,260
I like those odds!
473
00:21:02,350 --> 00:21:04,020
Hey, can I get the game on this?
474
00:21:04,110 --> 00:21:06,190
It's not a TV.
475
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,930
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
476
00:21:12,530 --> 00:21:15,200
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
477
00:21:15,290 --> 00:21:19,210
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
478
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,560
Shh!