1
00:00:08,922 --> 00:00:10,529
(shuts off engine)

2
00:00:13,201 --> 00:00:15,785
Welcome back, sir.

3
00:00:16,946 --> 00:00:19,079
(indistinct chatter)

4
00:00:24,027 --> 00:00:25,378
Oh, Artemis,

5
00:00:25,530 --> 00:00:27,341
you wouldn't believe
what my customers

6
00:00:27,364 --> 00:00:28,696
unloaded on me tonight.

7
00:00:28,750 --> 00:00:31,125
Crappy marriages, crappy jobs,

8
00:00:31,219 --> 00:00:33,698
crappy sports teams.
(groans)

9
00:00:33,722 --> 00:00:35,445
My ears are killin' me.

10
00:00:35,539 --> 00:00:37,631
That's why the Confidential
is here,

11
00:00:37,783 --> 00:00:38,966
to share your burden.

12
00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:40,468
Just give me the usual, huh?

13
00:00:40,619 --> 00:00:43,688
(chuckles)
As if we served anything else.

14
00:00:46,902 --> 00:00:48,475
(sipping)

15
00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:49,789
(sighing)

16
00:00:49,813 --> 00:00:51,122
To the Confidential,

17
00:00:51,146 --> 00:00:54,156
the one bar where they listen
to the listeners.

18
00:00:56,411 --> 00:00:58,963
Come on. We got to get a seat
in the front row.

19
00:00:58,987 --> 00:01:02,231
If anything flies off the stage,
I want to be in the Stain Zone.

20
00:01:03,158 --> 00:01:04,896
I'm sorry, Krusty,
but there's no way

21
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,903
we can seat this audience until
we round up all the escaped,

22
00:01:07,996 --> 00:01:10,006
uh, you-know-whats.

23
00:01:10,834 --> 00:01:13,334
- (hissing)
- (yelling)

24
00:01:13,486 --> 00:01:15,670
Tough luck, kids.
The show's canceled.

25
00:01:15,822 --> 00:01:19,682
I'm going down to the deli
to drown my sorrows in tongue.

26
00:01:21,010 --> 00:01:22,326
(Milhouse groans)

27
00:01:23,329 --> 00:01:25,680
What about this upside-down
exclamation mark show?

28
00:01:25,831 --> 00:01:28,108
Upside down is funny.

29
00:01:29,835 --> 00:01:32,314
- (playing "Flight
of the Bumblebee")
<i>- Desde</i> Downtown Springfield,

30
00:01:32,338 --> 00:01:35,188
<i>es</i> ¡Noches con Abejorrito!

31
00:01:35,341 --> 00:01:37,765
<i>¡Y ahora El Hombre Abejorro!</i>

32
00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:40,506
(cheering)

33
00:01:40,530 --> 00:01:43,956
<i>¡No se duerman,
o les voy a picar!</i>

34
00:01:44,183 --> 00:01:45,457
(laughing)

35
00:01:45,609 --> 00:01:47,938
Milhouse, you know Spanish.
What did he say?

36
00:01:47,962 --> 00:01:50,108
Oh, it's a cultural thing.

37
00:01:50,132 --> 00:01:53,373
You wouldn't get it.<i> Estúpido.</i>

38
00:01:53,526 --> 00:01:57,027
<i>Y luego, había un escorpión
en mis pantalones.</i>

39
00:01:57,121 --> 00:01:59,621
(laughs)
<i>Pantalones.</i>

40
00:01:59,716 --> 00:02:01,808
(siren wailing)

41
00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:03,977
<i>¡Una visita de mi primito!</i>

42
00:02:04,128 --> 00:02:07,388
<i>Eso significa
que es tiempo de jugar...</i>

43
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:10,891
<i>¡No... Te... 'splotes!</i>

44
00:02:10,985 --> 00:02:13,211
<i>Presentado por la Monja Humilde,</i>

45
00:02:13,304 --> 00:02:15,228
<i>la horchata más divina.</i>

46
00:02:15,382 --> 00:02:18,574
<i>Hermanas,
traigame unos concursantes.</i>

47
00:02:21,554 --> 00:02:23,246
<i>¡Ay, caramba!</i>

48
00:02:25,074 --> 00:02:28,058
It's a game. They fill
your mouth with horchata,

49
00:02:28,151 --> 00:02:30,502
and if you don't laugh,
you win a prize!

50
00:02:33,156 --> 00:02:36,175
<i>¡O, Bebito Abuelito!</i>

51
00:02:36,326 --> 00:02:37,700
(cheering, laughing)

52
00:02:38,737 --> 00:02:43,235
<i>¿Cuáles son las vacas
más perezosas?</i>

53
00:02:43,259 --> 00:02:45,926
<i>¡Las vacaciones!</i>

54
00:02:46,079 --> 00:02:47,002
(spitting)

55
00:02:47,096 --> 00:02:48,908
(laughing)

56
00:02:48,932 --> 00:02:51,507
<i>¡Nuestro ganador!</i>

57
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,775
(cheering)

58
00:02:55,030 --> 00:02:56,612
Pick your prize!

59
00:02:57,865 --> 00:03:00,366
(audience booing)

60
00:03:01,276 --> 00:03:04,037
♪ ♪

61
00:03:07,599 --> 00:03:11,936
Grandpa Baby, this is the
easiest choice I've ever made.

62
00:03:12,028 --> 00:03:14,766
Look what I won
on Spanish Krusty!

63
00:03:14,790 --> 00:03:16,456
(spits)

64
00:03:16,550 --> 00:03:17,775
Oh, my God.

65
00:03:17,867 --> 00:03:19,794
That is not
just any crystal skull.

66
00:03:19,945 --> 00:03:21,439
It's Calavera Gritando!

67
00:03:21,463 --> 00:03:23,200
That tequila's so authentic

68
00:03:23,224 --> 00:03:24,890
that it inspired George Clooney

69
00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:27,876
to make his own
semi-authentic tequila.

70
00:03:27,971 --> 00:03:29,728
Wait, my skull is full of booze?

71
00:03:29,879 --> 00:03:31,897
That's why it has a screw cap.

72
00:03:32,049 --> 00:03:33,436
Bart, you've got
to give it to me.

73
00:03:33,460 --> 00:03:35,378
I've always wanted to drink
something fancy enough

74
00:03:35,402 --> 00:03:37,903
to come in a bottle
that doesn't look like a bottle.

75
00:03:38,055 --> 00:03:40,055
Nah. I think I'm gonna save it.

76
00:03:40,149 --> 00:03:41,223
For high school.

77
00:03:41,276 --> 00:03:42,316
Come on. Gimme that!

78
00:03:42,393 --> 00:03:44,222
Bart won that skull
full of tequila.

79
00:03:44,246 --> 00:03:46,723
He can do
whatever he wants with it,

80
00:03:46,747 --> 00:03:48,322
except drink the tequila.

81
00:03:48,474 --> 00:03:50,561
Sorry, Homer. Game, set, skull.

82
00:03:50,585 --> 00:03:52,826
(cackling)

83
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:53,978
(yelps)

84
00:03:54,070 --> 00:03:56,756
(audience cheering on TV)

85
00:03:56,906 --> 00:03:59,050
(Homer grunting)

86
00:04:02,155 --> 00:04:03,763
Huh? (moans)

87
00:04:03,913 --> 00:04:06,727
<i>ANNOUNCER:</i>
<i>Coming up now,</i>
<i>we got a special dedication</i>

88
00:04:06,751 --> 00:04:09,159
<i>to Homer S. from his son Bart.</i>

89
00:04:09,252 --> 00:04:11,512
("Tequila" playing)

90
00:04:11,605 --> 00:04:14,014
I like how there are no lyrics
to upset me.

91
00:04:14,109 --> 00:04:16,317
(singing along)

92
00:04:19,447 --> 00:04:20,596
♪ <i>Tequila.</i> ♪

93
00:04:20,689 --> 00:04:22,598
D'oh!

94
00:04:22,692 --> 00:04:24,033
(tires screech)

95
00:04:24,860 --> 00:04:27,286
Isn't that your dad?

96
00:04:27,437 --> 00:04:29,079
No.

97
00:04:32,961 --> 00:04:35,168
(speaking Spanish)

98
00:04:36,189 --> 00:04:36,704
(snickers)

99
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:38,204
I may not speak Spanish,

100
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:42,050
but I know when an imaginary
talking skull is mocking me.

101
00:04:56,209 --> 00:04:58,483
(cackling quietly)

102
00:04:59,545 --> 00:05:00,298
Gentlemen,

103
00:05:00,322 --> 00:05:03,968
I give you Calavera Gritando!

104
00:05:03,992 --> 00:05:05,733
(all gasping)

105
00:05:05,826 --> 00:05:07,552
Whoa, a crystal skull.

106
00:05:07,644 --> 00:05:10,053
Like from my least favorite
Indiana Jones movie

107
00:05:10,146 --> 00:05:12,665
and most favorite
Shia LaBeouf movie.

108
00:05:12,817 --> 00:05:14,666
Okay, this booze is so classy,

109
00:05:14,819 --> 00:05:16,242
I'm finally breaking out

110
00:05:16,396 --> 00:05:18,913
my commemorative Iran
hostage crisis shot glasses.

111
00:05:19,064 --> 00:05:20,064
(blows)

112
00:05:20,156 --> 00:05:21,726
Look at these guys.

113
00:05:21,750 --> 00:05:23,425
Now,<i> those</i> were hostages.

114
00:05:26,348 --> 00:05:29,826
Hey, Moe, why don't you pour
yourself one for a change?

115
00:05:29,850 --> 00:05:32,018
Me? Nah, nah, that's okay.

116
00:05:32,245 --> 00:05:34,999
The pouring
is enough of a thrill.

117
00:05:35,023 --> 00:05:37,598
Come on. You're
always on that side of the bar.

118
00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:40,283
At least come over here
and take a load off.

119
00:05:40,343 --> 00:05:43,237
Well, maybe it
wouldn't hurt none.

120
00:05:44,090 --> 00:05:45,090
(shudders)

121
00:05:45,182 --> 00:05:46,606
So this is sittin'.

122
00:05:46,701 --> 00:05:48,701
You know, Moe, all these years,

123
00:05:48,927 --> 00:05:50,072
we've never seen you drink.

124
00:05:50,096 --> 00:05:51,278
Well, you know, a bartender

125
00:05:51,372 --> 00:05:53,091
ain't supposed to drink
with his regulars.

126
00:05:53,115 --> 00:05:54,355
It's frowned upon.

127
00:05:54,449 --> 00:05:55,207
By whom?

128
00:05:55,358 --> 00:05:57,117
Not some secret society

129
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,081
that I go to every night
after closing time,

130
00:05:59,105 --> 00:06:00,432
if that's what you're thinking.

131
00:06:00,456 --> 00:06:03,031
Look, I'm just the schlub
that pours the booze.

132
00:06:03,125 --> 00:06:04,194
That's all.

133
00:06:04,218 --> 00:06:06,863
Moe, you're not just
our bartender.

134
00:06:06,887 --> 00:06:09,199
You're our friend.

135
00:06:09,223 --> 00:06:11,038
Friend? You mean that?

136
00:06:11,134 --> 00:06:14,394
Well, maybe it's just
my relaxed butt cheeks talking,

137
00:06:14,620 --> 00:06:16,206
but, uh, down the hatch!

138
00:06:16,230 --> 00:06:18,064
Woof.
(chuckles)

139
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:20,733
I haven't had anything
this expensive in my mouth

140
00:06:20,884 --> 00:06:22,627
since my dad's gun.

141
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:23,810
(laughs)

142
00:06:23,963 --> 00:06:25,716
- (laughing)
- Yeah. Go, Moe.

143
00:06:25,740 --> 00:06:26,959
- Go, Moe.
- Now you got it.

144
00:06:26,983 --> 00:06:28,783
(cackling)

145
00:06:37,442 --> 00:06:40,752
I think you're pretty cool, too,
skull.

146
00:06:40,904 --> 00:06:43,047
♪ ♪

147
00:06:47,987 --> 00:06:49,298
(groans)
Oh, my head.

148
00:06:49,322 --> 00:06:51,389
Oh, what a hangover.

149
00:06:52,492 --> 00:06:54,266
(grunting)

150
00:06:54,418 --> 00:06:56,685
Ah, that's actually
a little better.

151
00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:59,250
Hmm.

152
00:06:59,274 --> 00:07:00,492
Oh, no.

153
00:07:00,516 --> 00:07:04,017
Oh, no! Last night's
all coming back to me.

154
00:07:04,170 --> 00:07:06,278
("Tequila" playing)

155
00:07:06,505 --> 00:07:08,531
(shouting)

156
00:07:11,119 --> 00:07:13,430
- Whoa! Yeah!
- Yay!

157
00:07:13,454 --> 00:07:15,454
♪ ♪

158
00:07:19,627 --> 00:07:22,461
Let's go show the world
how much fun it is

159
00:07:22,689 --> 00:07:25,523
when drunk guys do stuff
in public!

160
00:07:25,615 --> 00:07:27,207
Baba-boo!

161
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,136
♪ ♪

162
00:07:34,716 --> 00:07:36,683
♪ ♪

163
00:07:38,870 --> 00:07:40,957
(groaning, barking)

164
00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:42,540
(snorting)

165
00:07:42,632 --> 00:07:45,526
(barking, snorting)

166
00:07:47,713 --> 00:07:49,488
Excuse me, could you move?

167
00:07:49,716 --> 00:07:52,043
My husband and I would like
to sit on this bench

168
00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:55,547
and comment on how the elephant
seals are "living the life."

169
00:07:55,571 --> 00:07:58,055
It's the only joke
in our entire marriage.

170
00:07:58,148 --> 00:08:00,574
Oh, that's not what I hear.

171
00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:02,387
The real joke is that you two

172
00:08:02,411 --> 00:08:04,894
haven't pushed
the ole twin beds together

173
00:08:04,988 --> 00:08:06,672
since before the election.

174
00:08:06,899 --> 00:08:08,322
Of Obama.

175
00:08:08,416 --> 00:08:09,509
To the Senate!

176
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:11,084
(laughing)

177
00:08:11,237 --> 00:08:13,398
How'd you know
about their sexless marriage?

178
00:08:13,422 --> 00:08:16,740
Oh, Mrs. Lovejoy blabbed
about it to her bartender,

179
00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:18,000
who then told me.

180
00:08:18,093 --> 00:08:20,244
Hey, wait,
you bartenders tell each other

181
00:08:20,336 --> 00:08:23,074
the stuff we say
in drunken confidence?

182
00:08:23,098 --> 00:08:24,598
Oh, we sure do.

183
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:26,024
Look what else I know.

184
00:08:26,252 --> 00:08:30,173
You file your taxes
as one person.

185
00:08:30,197 --> 00:08:33,849
You sell all your pets
each time you go on vacation.

186
00:08:33,942 --> 00:08:35,586
Hey, you're two-timing us

187
00:08:35,610 --> 00:08:38,203
by also being the mayor
of another town.

188
00:08:38,355 --> 00:08:41,282
I swear,
Greenview means nothing to me.

189
00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:43,427
Hey, I love hot goss
as much as the next guy,

190
00:08:43,451 --> 00:08:45,264
but maybe
you shouldn't be spilling

191
00:08:45,288 --> 00:08:47,379
- people's secrets.
- Secrets.

192
00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:50,624
You mean like you not asking
anyone out on a date in years

193
00:08:50,777 --> 00:08:54,052
because you're ashamed
of your wet spaghetti arms?

194
00:08:54,203 --> 00:08:56,462
What woman
could feel held by these?

195
00:08:56,557 --> 00:09:00,875
Or how you keep yammering about
your million-dollar invention?

196
00:09:00,970 --> 00:09:03,039
File the patent already,
you coward.

197
00:09:03,063 --> 00:09:04,875
Or how 'bout Barney over here?

198
00:09:04,899 --> 00:09:08,383
Always going on about
how much you
<i>love</i>
your mother,

199
00:09:08,552 --> 00:09:10,885
but you haven't visited her
in years.

200
00:09:10,980 --> 00:09:13,125
She still thinks
I work at Autozone.

201
00:09:13,149 --> 00:09:18,076
I can't tell her they fired me
for huffing floormat cleaner!

202
00:09:19,730 --> 00:09:24,227
Moe, you've officially gone
from fun drunk to mean drunk.

203
00:09:24,251 --> 00:09:25,895
<i>You</i> judging<i> me?</i>

204
00:09:25,919 --> 00:09:27,806
You're the one who said
you're so scared

205
00:09:27,830 --> 00:09:29,830
of being a lousy father
and husband

206
00:09:29,923 --> 00:09:31,331
that you hide out at the bar

207
00:09:31,426 --> 00:09:34,259
instead of going home
and actually tryin'.

208
00:09:34,486 --> 00:09:36,011
(gasps)

209
00:09:38,248 --> 00:09:40,152
You're worse than a mean drunk.

210
00:09:40,176 --> 00:09:42,245
You're an honest drunk!

211
00:09:42,269 --> 00:09:44,586
No!<i> You guys</i> are the drunks.

212
00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:47,498
<i>I</i> am just wasted.

213
00:09:47,591 --> 00:09:49,357
Baba-boo.

214
00:09:51,169 --> 00:09:52,445
Okay, Moe.

215
00:09:52,596 --> 00:09:55,334
You did what no bartender
ever should've done.

216
00:09:55,357 --> 00:09:58,600
But maybe, just maybe,
they won't find out.

217
00:09:58,693 --> 00:09:59,693
(squeaking)

218
00:10:01,288 --> 00:10:03,100
(gasps)
The Confidential.

219
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,197
They found out.

220
00:10:04,292 --> 00:10:06,102
All right there, Kristof.

221
00:10:06,126 --> 00:10:08,534
Time for me to answer
for my sins.

222
00:10:08,629 --> 00:10:10,855
Lead the way.

223
00:10:10,947 --> 00:10:13,466
Frickin' Kristof.

224
00:10:14,710 --> 00:10:16,969
Yeah, so, I, uh...
I got your rat.

225
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,679
Look, I know I screwed up,
but that...

226
00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:23,695
<i>ARTEMIS:
Since time immemorial,</i>

227
00:10:23,719 --> 00:10:26,365
<i>bartenders have been
the cornerstone of civilization,</i>

228
00:10:26,389 --> 00:10:28,792
<i>an eternal guild of listeners.</i>

229
00:10:28,816 --> 00:10:30,476
<i>And so a paradox:</i>

230
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:33,463
<i>for to whom could bartenders</i>
<i>confide</i> their<i> secrets?</i>

231
00:10:33,488 --> 00:10:36,299
<i>Thus was born the Confidential,</i>

232
00:10:36,323 --> 00:10:40,201
<i>a hidden society of those
who listen to the listeners.</i>

233
00:10:41,328 --> 00:10:44,053
But this institution
will crumble to dust

234
00:10:44,148 --> 00:10:46,331
if we do not obey
its first and only law...

235
00:10:46,482 --> 00:10:49,335
"A bartender keeps his secrets!"

236
00:10:50,672 --> 00:10:52,890
Look, Artemis, I know
I shouldn't have got wasted

237
00:10:52,914 --> 00:10:54,652
and blabbed the unblabbable.

238
00:10:54,676 --> 00:10:58,730
It's just, for once, I wanted
to have a drink with my friends.

239
00:10:58,754 --> 00:11:00,731
A bartender has no friends!

240
00:11:00,755 --> 00:11:03,908
Mr. Szyslak, your tab is closed.

241
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,328
Surrender your key, sir.

242
00:11:05,352 --> 00:11:07,519
Well, them's the rules, I guess.

243
00:11:07,671 --> 00:11:09,332
It was nice being part
of a place

244
00:11:09,356 --> 00:11:12,265
that was bigger than me
and also super weird.

245
00:11:12,418 --> 00:11:13,859
Uh... What the...

246
00:11:14,010 --> 00:11:17,196
The penalty for your offense is
far greater than mere expulsion.

247
00:11:17,423 --> 00:11:20,606
Your friends,
your regulars are to be...

248
00:11:20,759 --> 00:11:22,033
cut off.

249
00:11:22,186 --> 00:11:24,202
(glass breaking)

250
00:11:24,429 --> 00:11:26,091
Cut off?! No.
No, that's too horrible.

251
00:11:26,115 --> 00:11:28,018
You can't do that to them!

252
00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:30,267
<i>You</i> did this to them.

253
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,602
They have
until the clock strikes...

254
00:11:32,696 --> 00:11:35,121
happy hour.

255
00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:38,528
<i>Tick, tock, Mr. Szyslak.
Tick, tock.</i>

256
00:11:38,552 --> 00:11:40,720
Guys, you're all in danger!
You...

257
00:11:40,870 --> 00:11:43,780
Oh, sorry. I've never been
in your office before.

258
00:11:43,874 --> 00:11:45,201
Any office, for that matter.

259
00:11:45,225 --> 00:11:47,801
Yeesh. Now I get why
you all drink so much.

260
00:11:47,953 --> 00:11:49,373
You've got a lot of nerve
coming here,

261
00:11:49,397 --> 00:11:51,563
after what you said last night.

262
00:11:51,715 --> 00:11:53,835
I know, I know,
but this is serious, okay?

263
00:11:53,884 --> 00:11:55,735
Some very scary people are mad

264
00:11:55,885 --> 00:11:57,811
for all that drunken blabbing
I did,

265
00:11:57,963 --> 00:12:00,125
so you're being... cut off!

266
00:12:00,149 --> 00:12:03,386
So what? You already lost us
as customers.

267
00:12:03,410 --> 00:12:05,722
No, no, you don't get it.
Cut off.

268
00:12:05,746 --> 00:12:07,078
Aah. There isn't much time,

269
00:12:07,306 --> 00:12:09,306
but I'm gonna keep
being cagey about it.

270
00:12:09,399 --> 00:12:11,061
Oh, wait a minute.
Where's Barney?

271
00:12:11,085 --> 00:12:12,734
Barney doesn't work here.

272
00:12:12,787 --> 00:12:14,419
Really? Seems like he would.

273
00:12:14,571 --> 00:12:16,899
Yeah, that would lead
to some good stories, all right.

274
00:12:16,923 --> 00:12:18,923
Hurry, call him.<i> Call him!</i>

275
00:12:19,076 --> 00:12:21,168
Mm. Fine.

276
00:12:21,261 --> 00:12:25,655
<i>Well, if it isn't
the meanest drunk in town.</i>

277
00:12:25,749 --> 00:12:27,600
Barn, it's happy hour.

278
00:12:27,826 --> 00:12:30,251
You got to lock your doors
and windows right away!

279
00:12:30,346 --> 00:12:33,272
During the best time of day
for ocean breezes?

280
00:12:33,423 --> 00:12:35,143
- No dice.
<i>- Look out for</i>
<i>the dapper gentleman!</i>

281
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,921
Ow! Damn vampire bats!

282
00:12:37,945 --> 00:12:39,163
What the hell was that?

283
00:12:39,187 --> 00:12:41,258
He's been injected
with Antibooze...

284
00:12:41,282 --> 00:12:45,261
A drug that makes it
so he can never drink again.

285
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:47,452
Antibooze?
That stuff isn't real.

286
00:12:47,604 --> 00:12:50,008
Oh, it's real, and
the side effects are horrible,

287
00:12:50,032 --> 00:12:51,365
unthinkable!

288
00:12:51,459 --> 00:12:53,866
It starts with
a skull-splitting headache.

289
00:12:54,019 --> 00:12:56,253
<i>(yelling)</i>

290
00:12:59,448 --> 00:13:02,051
Then you got
your firehose sweating.

291
00:13:03,696 --> 00:13:05,471
Rhinoceros pox.

292
00:13:07,048 --> 00:13:09,528
And finally, hurricane vomiting.

293
00:13:09,552 --> 00:13:13,062
<i>(liquid pouring
and prolonged yelling on screen)</i>

294
00:13:17,818 --> 00:13:19,818
(sighs)
He's been cut off.

295
00:13:20,046 --> 00:13:21,798
And now they're coming for you.

296
00:13:21,822 --> 00:13:25,566
If they catch ya, you can
never touch alcohol again.

297
00:13:25,659 --> 00:13:27,158
No! No!

298
00:13:27,311 --> 00:13:29,662
Wait. What about rum cakes
and other boozy desserts?

299
00:13:29,812 --> 00:13:31,221
Never again.

300
00:13:31,315 --> 00:13:33,499
<i>No!</i>

301
00:13:39,748 --> 00:13:41,715
(buzzing)

302
00:13:50,592 --> 00:13:54,595
Run faster. Every bartender in
town is coming after youse guys.

303
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:58,106
All because I couldn't
keep my drunken trap shut!

304
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:02,436
Well, how many bartenders
could there be in Springfield?

305
00:14:02,587 --> 00:14:06,440
How many people in this town are
miserable at work and at home?

306
00:14:06,591 --> 00:14:08,283
Oh, my God.

307
00:14:28,038 --> 00:14:29,441
You guys, get out of here!

308
00:14:29,465 --> 00:14:32,015
I'll hold 'em off... with this.

309
00:14:33,652 --> 00:14:36,312
(grunting)

310
00:14:45,554 --> 00:14:48,293
Wow. He's like a ninja
with that crotch rag.

311
00:14:48,317 --> 00:14:50,576
That disgusting towel is a blur!

312
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,989
(panting)

313
00:14:56,082 --> 00:14:58,325
(Moe grunts, electrical buzzing)

314
00:14:58,476 --> 00:15:00,437
(electrical buzzing
and snapping)

315
00:15:00,587 --> 00:15:01,972
(all panting)

316
00:15:01,996 --> 00:15:03,830
This is no way to live.

317
00:15:03,982 --> 00:15:05,907
Hunted. Hunted like dinosaurs.

318
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,000
What are we supposed to do now?

319
00:15:08,153 --> 00:15:09,576
If you ever want to drink again,

320
00:15:09,672 --> 00:15:12,075
all you can do is get
on the next bus out of town

321
00:15:12,099 --> 00:15:13,652
and never stop running.

322
00:15:13,676 --> 00:15:15,308
Sounds like a plan.

323
00:15:16,845 --> 00:15:17,937
(both grunt)

324
00:15:18,087 --> 00:15:20,082
(moaning)

325
00:15:20,106 --> 00:15:22,357
(speaking German)

326
00:15:25,336 --> 00:15:27,187
Those poor bastards.

327
00:15:27,338 --> 00:15:29,338
I must keen for them.

328
00:15:29,432 --> 00:15:31,700
(loud, sorrowful keening)

329
00:15:33,269 --> 00:15:34,860
Forget it, Homer.

330
00:15:34,956 --> 00:15:37,163
They're non-drinkers now.

331
00:15:38,517 --> 00:15:41,104
Marge, pack what you need
and choose one kid.

332
00:15:41,128 --> 00:15:42,846
We're leaving
Springfield forever.

333
00:15:42,870 --> 00:15:44,778
That's ridiculous, Homie.

334
00:15:44,873 --> 00:15:46,690
Look who dropped by for dinner.

335
00:15:46,783 --> 00:15:48,110
Hello, Homer.

336
00:15:48,134 --> 00:15:50,113
Dad, Dr. Hibbert was just
telling us

337
00:15:50,136 --> 00:15:52,524
how he worked his way
through medical school.

338
00:15:52,548 --> 00:15:55,198
I think you'd be interested
to hear how I did it.

339
00:15:55,292 --> 00:15:58,143
- I would?
- Bartending.

340
00:16:01,816 --> 00:16:03,774
(screaming)

341
00:16:06,486 --> 00:16:08,394
Who wants mushroom caps?

342
00:16:08,547 --> 00:16:10,041
(screams)

343
00:16:10,065 --> 00:16:11,565
I'm so sorry, Homer.

344
00:16:11,716 --> 00:16:14,400
And Midge, your husband
can never drink again,

345
00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:16,620
and it's all because of me.
(cries)

346
00:16:17,647 --> 00:16:20,374
(cheering)

347
00:16:22,076 --> 00:16:23,668
Good morning, family.

348
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:25,649
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

349
00:16:25,673 --> 00:16:29,173
You sure I can't make you
some oatmeal with blueberries?

350
00:16:29,326 --> 00:16:31,525
Not today, honey.
I promised to pick up coffee

351
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:34,421
for everyone on my team
to celebrate our record numbers.

352
00:16:34,514 --> 00:16:38,182
You are so much more of a
go-getter since your promotion.

353
00:16:38,335 --> 00:16:40,998
I love this new, sober you.

354
00:16:41,022 --> 00:16:44,004
And I love any version of you.

355
00:16:44,099 --> 00:16:45,909
Mmm, mmm.

356
00:16:45,933 --> 00:16:47,653
- (coughing)
- Get a room!

357
00:16:47,677 --> 00:16:50,511
Bart, I haven't forgotten about
your skateboard competition.

358
00:16:50,605 --> 00:16:52,030
And don't worry, Lisa.

359
00:16:52,182 --> 00:16:53,844
It'll be over in plenty of time

360
00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:56,442
for me to be front
and center at your recital.

361
00:16:56,595 --> 00:16:58,537
Ooh! (sputtering)

362
00:16:58,687 --> 00:17:01,280
(giggling)

363
00:17:01,432 --> 00:17:03,708
Well, off to the salt mines.

364
00:17:03,936 --> 00:17:05,294
(humming cheerily)

365
00:17:08,214 --> 00:17:10,123
Well, this is a coincidence.

366
00:17:10,217 --> 00:17:13,719
I haven't seen you guys
since, uh, you know.

367
00:17:13,869 --> 00:17:16,775
Geez, it would've had
to have been the syringings?

368
00:17:16,798 --> 00:17:20,202
Yeah, finally got in shape.
Not drinking all day every day

369
00:17:20,227 --> 00:17:22,705
really freed up a lot of time
for me to work out.

370
00:17:22,730 --> 00:17:26,617
And as soon as I filed my
patent, my start-up got funded.

371
00:17:26,642 --> 00:17:29,976
Soon, everyone in America
will have their own personal

372
00:17:30,070 --> 00:17:32,070
body-hair-shaving mini robot.

373
00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:33,814
That's you? (gasps)

374
00:17:33,965 --> 00:17:35,740
I love my Groomba!

375
00:17:35,892 --> 00:17:37,392
(buzzing)

376
00:17:37,486 --> 00:17:39,894
And I got my job back
at Autozone,

377
00:17:39,988 --> 00:17:41,913
so I could finally face my ma.

378
00:17:42,065 --> 00:17:45,826
He holds the big arrow
that says "Autozone."

379
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,065
Yeah, I guess
we're all doing pretty well.

380
00:17:48,088 --> 00:17:49,663
You know who I heard ain't?

381
00:17:49,815 --> 00:17:51,739
A certain bartender.

382
00:17:51,834 --> 00:17:53,834
You won't believe
how low he's sunk.

383
00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:56,001
It would be nice
to laugh at someone

384
00:17:56,096 --> 00:17:59,013
living their lowest moment.

385
00:18:02,586 --> 00:18:05,104
I asked for the ham
in my omelet to be diced.

386
00:18:05,255 --> 00:18:07,342
This ham is clearly cubed.

387
00:18:07,365 --> 00:18:09,993
Yes, ma'am.
Uh, right away, ma'am.

388
00:18:10,018 --> 00:18:11,996
You flipped my omelet too high
in the air,

389
00:18:12,019 --> 00:18:13,945
and it got cold on the descent.

390
00:18:14,096 --> 00:18:17,031
My mistake, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.

391
00:18:20,179 --> 00:18:23,622
I wanted to see him low,
but not eggs-on-demand low.

392
00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:27,375
I bet he doesn't even have
a shotgun under that bar.

393
00:18:28,686 --> 00:18:31,630
Get out of here.
You can't see me like this.

394
00:18:31,856 --> 00:18:36,175
Slingin' eggs in a well-lit,
non-dank environment.

395
00:18:41,884 --> 00:18:43,976
I can't believe I'm saying this.

396
00:18:44,202 --> 00:18:45,864
We're all saying it.

397
00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:48,031
Even though
we can never drink again,

398
00:18:48,056 --> 00:18:50,982
we still want you
as our bartender.

399
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:53,058
You... you mean it?

400
00:18:53,211 --> 00:18:54,855
- Yeah.
- We do.
- Mm-hmm.

401
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:59,657
From now on, you can spray
your own pans, America! Ha.

402
00:19:02,387 --> 00:19:04,288
(cheering)

403
00:19:06,834 --> 00:19:09,084
There you go, fellas.
Bottoms up.

404
00:19:09,836 --> 00:19:12,003
To Moe, our friend.

405
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:14,580
Nah, nah, guys.
I'm something better.

406
00:19:14,732 --> 00:19:16,243
Your bartender.

407
00:19:16,268 --> 00:19:18,268
Who knew
you could drink water in a bar?

408
00:19:18,327 --> 00:19:20,252
It's, uh, still watered down.

409
00:19:20,405 --> 00:19:22,513
- (laughter)
- Good one, Moe.

410
00:19:23,517 --> 00:19:25,759
(laughter continues)

411
00:19:25,911 --> 00:19:28,577
Well, I have never seen
such a perfect distillation

412
00:19:28,672 --> 00:19:30,189
of the human spirit.

413
00:19:30,415 --> 00:19:33,599
A cocktail of humility
and self-sacrifice

414
00:19:33,693 --> 00:19:35,919
with a dash of un-bitters.

415
00:19:36,011 --> 00:19:37,414
(chuckles)

416
00:19:37,439 --> 00:19:39,588
Whoa, Artemis.
What are you doing here?

417
00:19:39,682 --> 00:19:42,925
Such loyalty to a bartender
deserves a reward.

418
00:19:43,019 --> 00:19:45,519
The antidote to Antibooze.

419
00:19:45,614 --> 00:19:47,090
(all gasping)

420
00:19:47,115 --> 00:19:49,598
Now, think carefully, chaps.

421
00:19:49,692 --> 00:19:54,086
Once injected, you will lose
all the benefits of sobriety.

422
00:19:59,944 --> 00:20:02,136
Go away, Ma.

423
00:20:02,890 --> 00:20:05,015
(gulping)

424
00:20:07,042 --> 00:20:09,560
I'm sorry. I can't go back.

425
00:20:09,712 --> 00:20:12,730
Sobriety has made me the man
I never thought I'd be.

426
00:20:12,882 --> 00:20:15,358
Now I'm going home to my family.

427
00:20:23,986 --> 00:20:26,118
(whirring)

428
00:20:28,897 --> 00:20:29,897
Hmm?

429
00:20:30,008 --> 00:20:32,000
(whimpering)

430
00:20:34,421 --> 00:20:36,212
(buzzing)

431
00:20:50,753 --> 00:20:53,012
Hey, Bart, isn't that
your stupid crystal skull?

432
00:20:53,147 --> 00:20:55,315
Wasn't stupid.
It was my best friend.

433
00:20:57,519 --> 00:20:59,163
♪ ♪

434
00:20:59,186 --> 00:21:01,499
(evil cackling)

435
00:21:01,522 --> 00:21:03,490
(speaking Spanish)

436
00:21:08,622 --> 00:21:10,747
(evil cackling)

437
00:21:14,019 --> 00:21:15,535
(panting)

438
00:21:15,628 --> 00:21:18,538
<font color="#ffff00">Captioning sponsored by</font>
<font color="#ffff00">20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION</font>

439
00:21:18,690 --> 00:21:20,190
<font color="#ffff00">FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY</font>

440
00:21:20,282 --> 00:21:22,278
<font color="#ffff00">And FORD.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">We go further, so you can.</font>

441
00:21:22,303 --> 00:21:25,303
Captioned by
<font color="#00ffff">Media Access Group at WGBH</font>
access.wgbh.org

442
00:21:29,217 --> 00:21:31,351
Shh!