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There are very few things in life as purely terrifying
as calling a twelve-year-old girl on the telephone.
Especially a really cute twelve-year-old girl.
"We're at T minus nineteen and holding as the ground crew"
"performs one last technical check"
"before the historic Apollo 8 liftoff."
She was in my home room in third period social studies class.
I'll never forget that day.
Mrs. Ritvo let us watch the liftoff on TV.
Now, at the time,
I'd just gotten over this whole thing with Winnie Cooper,
so I didn't really know I was ready for love.
I just knew that I'd lost all interest in the space program.
Blast off, splash down, blast off, splash down...who cared?
But then, my gaze settled on...on her...
...on Lisa Berlini.
Lisa Berlini was the kind of girl you dreamed about...
...but who would probably never even know your name.
- But then it happened. - Six,five,four,
three,two,one, blastoff!
She looked at me, did you see that? She looked right at me!
I don't know how to explain it ...
... except to say that when you're twelve,
and a girl like that looks at you like that,
even for an instant, ...
... everything else gets blasted out of your mind
and into the upper atmosphere.
I was in love.
"And if all goes well on this mission,"
"for the first time in human history,"
"man will orbit the moon."
So now I was a man with a mission of my own.
I had to find out if she liked me.
The only problem was I didn't really know Lisa all that well.
Oh, let's face it, I'd never actually heard her speak.
Maybe the easiest thing would be to just call her on the phone.
On the other hand, maybe the easiest thing would be
to just bump into Lisa somewhere.
Casually. Accidentally.
So I spent the next three days tracking her every movement.
At eleven twenty one and fifteen seconds on Tuesday the eighth
I made my move.
My plan was foolproof.
I could already see it happening.
I'd look at her, she'd look at me, I'd say
'Oh, pardon me, I didn't expect to bump into you here'.
She'd say 'Just my lucky day, I guess'.
One thing would lead to another.
I'd suggest we talk about it over an ice cream sandwich.
Oh. Hi.
How are you?
Fine...fine...
Well, bye.
Fine?! Fine?!
I realized then, that there were special things a man says to a woman.
I also realized that I had no idea what those things were.
But now I was officially a goner.
I couldnīt sleep!
I couldnīt eat!
Mr. Arnold!
I couldnīt learn!
Mr. Arnold! I'm waiting.
Uh, well..uh.
Could you repeat the question, again. Please?
I asked if you were present...
- Who are you looking for? - I'm not looking for anybody!
Why are you staring at Lisa Berlini?
What are you trying to do to me?! Are you crazy?!
Alright, if I let go will you promise to be quiet? You swear?
Did I say something wrong?
- What? Do you like her or something?
What? Are you crazy?
Where do you get ideas like that?
Well, sort of.
Wow, really? Does she like you too?
Paul, I have no idea.
Do you know who'd know?
Paul, you've got to promise me this once, don't let anybody know, ever!
Okay, okay.
Who?
And so began the great intermediary fiasco.
Patty Galvin.
She lives right next door to her
and she knows everything about her.
Do you want me to ask?
Torn between the forces of torturous love
and the fear of horrible humiliation...
I agreed on the sworn promise
that not a word would ever be mentioned
directly to Lisa Berlini...
... to let Paul ask Patty Galvin whether or not Lisa liked me.
After all, Patty did know everything about Lisa.
She had no idea.
Well, what's she doing? Where's she going now?
- She's asking Tommy Rygot.
Oh god, it's going to be all over the school!
And Tommy Rygot of course...
... had absolutely no idea.
But he was thoughtful enough to inquire of...of...
Who's she?
I've never seen her before in my life.
...of someone we'd never seen before in our lives.
Oh my god, no!
What's she doing?!
Paul, what's she doing?!
After the great intermediary fiasco had fiascoed,
it was clear I could never be seen by Lisa Berlini again.
There were certain places I felt I was unlikely to bump into her.
I'm going to flush this tuna fish sandwich if you don't want it.
Paul, what did she do after the girl asked her if she liked me?
I don't know, I was watching you run out.
Well, I guess we've got to go to O'Brien's class.
Uh-uh. I'm not going anywhere, she might see me.
Well you can't just stay here all day.
Why not?
'Why not?' is right.
I had running water, indoor plumbing, tuna. I could last weeks.
You're going to see her on the bus anyway.
Not if I walk home.
Yeah, but what about tomorrow?
Mom, I have a sore throat.
- You do? Come here and let me take a look.
Say 'ah'.
Well, it is a little red.
Of course, the human throat is always red
but fortunately my mother never looked at it
when I wasn't complaining.
You'd better go back to bed.
Do I have to?
No arguments. I'll bring you some cocoa and the TV.
Go on.
After about two hours of steady bed rest and television
the world always looks a little better.
After about ten hours it always looks a lot worse.
I started to feel disgusted with myself.
I mean, what was I going to do?
Spend the rest of my life watching 'Let's Make a Deal'
because I was afraid of a twelve-year-old girl?
"As the astronauts round the far side of the moon tonight,"
"for the first time since the days of Christopher Columbus,"
"mankind will truly see a new horizon."
"But the thing that amazes me most, Frank,"
"is the personal courage of those three men."
"They are truly rising to the challenge set forth by"
"President Kennedy in 1960."
"...while we cannot guarantee that we shall one day be first,"
"we can guarantee that any failure to make this effort will make us last."
Suddenly I realized what I had to do.
I couldn't run away from Lisa Berlini.
I had to take that brave leap into the unknown.
I had to pick up the phone and call her...
...right after dinner.
"And if the moon orbit is successful,"
"NASA officials hope to meet President Kennedy's challenge"
"to land a man on the moon some time in this decade."
Well, I had a challenge of my own.
I would call Lisa Berlini by eight o'clock tonight, or die trying.
Honey, you're looking a little pale.
How's your throat feeling?
Pretty bad, pretty painful.
You know, maybe I should try looking at that throat when it's normal,
just for comparison.
Mom?
Do you remember the first time dad called you up on the phone?
I don't really remember.
- I think it was Macy's.
Oh, that's right, Macy's.
I was working at a tie counter at Macy's
and your father called to see if he could return a tie.
So you didn't even know him?
Well, yeah, I knew him.
Well, I was the one who sold him the tie.
I remember holding it up to him to see if it matched his shirt.
So were you hoping he'd call you?
Hoping? No.
I just sold him the tie and I figured that was pretty much it.
Well, this was really it.
Hi, this is Kevin.
Just do it! Do it now.
Hi, this is Kevin. How are you?
Uh, fine. What's up?
Um, nothing. I just wanted to see how your day was.
Oh, it was fine.
So what happened in math?
Nothing.
Did you do anything good in gym?
No, not really.
Nothing?
No, not really.
For god's sake, Paul!
Your life is so boring. It's really depressing!
Hello? Hello?
Well, something deep inside me told me
This was really, really, it.
It wasn't the way every muscle in my body tightened,
although it did.
And it wasn't the way every nerve ending in my body tingled,
although it did.
No, it was the way every piece of food
I had eaten for dinner suddenly went into the spin-cycle
in my stomach.
H-hello?
Yeah Jeff, just a minute. Wayne. Wayne!
It's Jeff, but, could you kind of keep it short?
Because I got to, you know, use the phone.
I'll be off when I'm off.
This happens to be a very important phone call.
Yo, buttface. Yeah, how you doin'?
Did you see the way I nailed Jimmy on the bus today?
Wayne's idea of an important call was obviously a little
different from mine, or any human being's for that matter.
Wayne, can this wait?
Nah, in a minute.
Oh yeah. Oh god, he's a real weeder.
You know, I think we should all tie him up and uh...
...yeah, all right, talk to you tomorrow.
All yours.
Oh no, no, please, no. Why didn't I call before? Why?
Maybe he was just going to ask if I wanted the door shut.
Who you calling?
No-one.
Been waiting kind of a long time to be calling no-one, pal.
Leave me alone, Wayne.
Could it be a girl?
Leave me alone!
Let's see, who could it be?
No-one, now get out!
- Could it be Debbie Ackerman? - Get out!
- Katie Osborne? - Quit it!
Well, the number's got to be here somewhere.
Thank you.
Lisa. Do we know any Lisas?
That's not even it.
Oh. I'm sure you won't mind if I
call her then, will you, pal, huh?
- Not at all. - Alright.
No!
Give me it, please, Wayne, oh god, no!
Please, please, oh please! Give...
- It's ringing. - Oh god, no! Please!
Hey, what the hell is going on in there?
Nothing.
Wayne, get out of here and leave him alone. Now!
Butthead.
If I had a shred of manhood in me I would call her now.
T minus seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...
Hello. This is Lisa. Kevin who? Kevin Arnold?
Who's Kevin Arnold?
Oh, hi Kevin.
Hey, you guys. You've got to hear this.
I'm fine Kevin, how are you?
You don't say.
We're here live at the Lisa Berlini house
where Lisa is talking to Kevin Arnold on the telephone.
Jim, maybe you have an answer to the question
we've been wondering about.
Why would Kevin call Lisa when it's so obvious she thinks
he's a total jerk?
I really don't know Frank, but if we put our microphone
up close to the phone
we could actually listen in on the call,
although I don't know if our audience will be able to hear
above all this laughing.
Eight o'clock had come and gone.
I guess I just couldn't do it.
- Kevin. Kevin, honey, you should be watching this.
"For the first time ever seen by human eyes,"
"the planet Earth rising over the moon."
"Sort of puts things in perspective, doesn't it Frank?"
"To think that there on that lovely glowing orb wars are being fought,"
"storms raging, people are being born, people dying,"
"all our human conflict, our passion, our pain,"
"being carried on beneath that veil of clouded blue."
And suddenly I got this funny feeling.
Maybe I was blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
I mean, Lisa wasn't going to laugh at me.
And anyway, what if she did? Did it really matter?
And that's when I knew what I had to do.
I just had to pick up the phone and call her.
Lisa?
Hi, this is Kevin, from home room.
Yeah, right, the little guy.
Oh, I had a sore throat.
Nah, it's not too bad.
I'll probably come back to school tomorrow.
Mrs. Ritvo? Yeah, she's so weird.
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