Every great act has its own routine.
Delivery...timing...
They take years to perfect.
It takes hard work and practice.
But once you've got it down...
It becomes...
Second-nature. Routine.
- Butthead! - Dorkface!
Grow up!
Take my family. Please.
- Good morning. - Hnnn...
Talk about routines... We had a million of 'em.
Kevin? Did you feed -
Mom, can you do it? I gotta get to school early...
Mom?
- Did you fix that button on my - - I sewed it on last night.
- Norma, where's my - - It's in your briefcase.
- Hey, where's uh - - Right here.
Yep - we had 'em all.
Timing, delivery...
And of course, the best straight-man in the business.
Jack?
The tickets for the concert series arrived.
Good old mom.
Honey?
Uh...no, no.
Just coffee's fine.
No, Jack...I was talking about the concert series.
Oh...
It starts this Thursday night. They're doing chamber music.
I think it should be fun.
Uh-huh. You could always count on Norma Arnold...
To set up the punchlines.
Thursday's gonna be a bear, Norma.
It's this damn audit.
One of the kids'll go with ya.
I've got a date.
Big history test Friday. Gotta hit the books.
You had to hand it to her. Mom was perfect at the part.
Like any great comedian.
Kev, it isn't funny!
I had some experience of my own.
Paul, it's just a cow-lick. It's not so bad.
What do you mean, "not so bad"?
"Not so good", right? That's what you really mean.
For instance, when Paul's self-esteem was down...
Read any day of the week...
It was routine for me to build him back up.
It looks like I've got pipe-cleaners growing out of my head!
It looks fine!
Hey, Alfalfa!
Nice "'do".
Get bent, Hobson!
Careful what you say, Pfeif... Or I might not let you see the Berlini poll.
What?
The "Lisa Berlini poll".
The definitive rating... Of the male faction at RFK Junior High.
It was the kind of document that eventually led to deep-seated neuroses...
And psychotherapy.
Not that we knew about that stuff in eigth-grade.
Read 'em and weep, cupcakes.
Is my name on it?
"Best eyes"? I got "best eyes"?! What about the rest of my face?
Well, I guess it could have been worse.
"Brainiest".
I could have been Paul.
Does anybody see my name?!
Man, last time at least I got... "best-mannered".
Hey!
There's nothing wrong with being brainy.
Thank God I didn't get "brainiest".
Man, first a cow-lick the size of Mount Rushmore, and now this.
Uh-oh. You could sense Paul heading for a major-league slump, here.
This was gonna take...care.
Paul, nobody's gonna notice. Trust me.
You think so?
Yeah.
Care...and a little good luck.
Now, there's a brain.
Pretty attractive, huh?
Paul, it's just a stupid movie.
Man, I'd rather be "ugliest" than "brainiest.
Paul Pfeiffer! Who said you were ugly?
Nobody said he was ugly.
No...they said brainiest.
Babes are already starting to beat down my door.
It's these stupid glasses.
What are you talking about?
Never mind, mom.
After all, if I couldn't cheer the guy up, what could Mom do?
Paul...
I've known you a long time.
And I've always thought that your glasses make you look very...manly.
Manly!?
Manly?
Absolutely.
Of course she was obviously throwing him a line.
Still, the fish were biting.
You know...a lot of great men wear glasses.
Like who?
Well, like...Arthur Miller.
Who's Arthur Miller?
You think Arthur Miller is handsome?
Well, not just me. Marilyn Monroe thought so, too.
I guess I'd never really thought about it that way before.
Naturally he hadn't. It was patently ridiculous...
Whoever Arthur Miller was.
Glasses can make the man, Paul.
Still, ya had to hand it to old Mom.
Paul was lappin' up the kind words like -
Hey! How about some cocoa?
Uh, I'm allergic to instant.
Oh, I make it from scratch.
It always cheers Kevin up.
- Look, Mom...I don't think he - - That sounds great.
Let's go!
I'm in the mood for some, too.
How about you, honey?
No. No thanks.
- So - who else wore glasses? - Well...
Sure - let 'em have a little time together.
It was no skin off my nose.
After all, Mom's cocoa and sympathy could never prepare Paul for the cold realities of -
Hey, brainiac!
Heard any good theorems lately, gray matter?
Real life.
Hey, big brain...
Life after Lisa Berlini.
Look at it this way, Pfeiffer...
Brainy's not so bad.
There are a lot of librarians out there lookin' for a man!
OK - that was my cue.
Time to come to the rescue, here.
Yeah, well, I guess being brainiest is something you'll never have to worry about.
Or, maybe not.
Oh - very funny..."four-eyes".
Hey, pal - Arthur Miller wears glasses.
Who's Arthur Miller?
Why don't you ask Marilyn Monroe?
Huh?
Well, well, well.
Seemed we had a new Paul on our hands.
Yep. My best friend was feeling...better.
So then I said...
"Why don't ya ask Marilyn Monroe".
Oh...
Much better.
In fact, over the next few days, it was all he talked about.
I've been thinking about getting wire rims.
Wire rims?
To accentuate the positive. Glasses can make the man...
Your shot.
"Accentuate the positive"...
"Glasses make the man"...
Was this a kid I was playing with, or a clotheshorse?
You know...I could probably get Dad to special-order some frames like Donald Perman's.
That'd be neat.
Who's Donald Perman?
Course, Ben Franklin wore bi-focals - but I don't need those.
Paul! Who's Donald Perman?
That guy your mom dated in high school.
She thought he was really good-looking.
She showed me his picture in her yearbook.
Her yearbook?
When did Paul ever see my mom's yearbook?
Man! We must have talked for about an hour yesterday.
Where was I?
Why didn't you ever tell me your mom wanted to be a singer?
Isn't that a funny story about the audition for the radio commercial?
Radio commercial?
My mother never told me about any radio commercial.
Yeah, well...It's not so funny after you heard it a bazillion times...
I thought it was hilarious. Especially the part about the shoulderpads.
Look...
I'm gonna go get something to drink. Ya want anything?
Hey, I'll get it.
Be right back.
I wanted to shoot hoops, and this guy wanted to talk about my mother's history.
Who cared?! I had more important things to think about.
Like winning an NBA title... In triple overtime...
With a shot at the buzzer.
And the crowd's gone wild!
The crowd, maybe.
But what about...The other team?
Didn't Paul realize there were more important things in life...Than...
Sitting around, having cocoa...while my mother laughed...
Harder than I'd seen her laugh in years.
"Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind" = Lovin' Spoonful =
¢Ü Did you ever have to make up your mind ¢Ü
¢Ü Pick only one and ¢Ü
¢Ü Leave the others behind ¢Ü
¢Ü It's not always easy ¢Ü
¢Ü It's not always kind ¢Ü
¢Ü Did you ever have to make up your mind ¢Ü
Article Five, Section Six of the Eight-grade Boys' Code of Conduct...
When faced with a popularity poll you don't like...
Make up your own.
Of course, we took it seriously.
There was an art to this.
Points awarded for intelligence...
Political awareness...
And of course...
Best body...?
Didi Rodriguez.
No way! Holly Stern!
She shaves her legs!
Doug, you're droolin'.
Of course he was drooling - that's what adolescents do.
Hi.
Well, most adolescents.
What are you guys doing?
Oh... decide to spend some time with people your own age, huh?
We're doing a poll.
To get back at Lisa Berlini.
How about "best smile".
You know who has a great smile?
Your mom.
Was he nuts?
When the guys found out...
What he thought about my mother...they would -
Ya know...Arnold's mom's not bad.
Agree...
She shaves her legs, too.
You're talking about my...mother!
As if she were some kind of, uh...woman!
I think we should put down Kevin's mom for "best smile".
Paul - that's ridiculous!
I mean...This is a school poll.
Wait a minute.
Pfeiffer's actually got a decent idea.
Uh-oh.
Lisa Berlini should know she's in competition with real women.
Look what I got for your tub, honey!
Norma Arnold.
Homemaker, mother, wife...
Teen idol.
Hello? Oh, hello, Paul...
Tell him I'm not home.
Fact is, I'd had just about enough of -
It's for me, honey.
OK - fine. In fact - perfect.
Because once Mom discovered how boring Paul was on the phone...
Oh, Paul!
Really?
Ah, excuse me, Mrs. Arnold...
But don't we have better things to do?
Now?
Well, I have to go now, Paul... OK...OK. Bye.
Oh, dear. Your father will be home soon...
And I'm not sure what to do about dinner.
OK - this was the mom I knew.
The mom that fixed dinner.
Now that Paul's going to the concert with me tonight.
What?
Yeah. That's why he called.
He asked if he could go with me.
How'd Paul know about the concert?
Well, I told him your father couldn't come...
And since the rest of you were busy, that extra ticket shouldn't go to waste.
Look, Mom - you know all Paul's gonna do is talk through the whole thing.
It's not like he even knows what chamber music is...
Which made two of us.
He said he wanted to expand his horizons.
I think that's nice.
Nice? Why did I suddenly smell a Pfeiffer in wolf's clothing?
Well, I better get ready.
The concert begins at seven.
The funny thing is, I hadn't seen Mom so excited in...months.
Norma? Can you come here a minute?
I'm still...Getting dressed, honey!
In fact...
She was sounding down-right...chipper.
I'll get it.
Oh, hi, Mr. Arnold. I brought a Jell-O mold.
My mother wanted me to bring it over.
It's lime Jell-O.
She put fruit cocktail in it, but we didn't have any of those little marshmallows -
Norma?! Paul's here!
I'll just be a minute!
She'll just be a minute.
Norma?
This pizza's still frozen in the middle.
Turn it up to four-fifty for about another ten minutes.
Oh. Hnnn...
Oh...And...sprinkle a little water on the crust.
I've always found the only way you can get the middle warm is...
Burn the sides.
That was it.
The same thirteen-year-old who was dating his wife...
Was now giving him cooking tips?
Dad wasn't gonna stand for this.
How much water?
Oh, just a little sprinkle.
- Sir. - Hnnn...
OK, then - if Dad wouldn't do it, I would.
It was time to explain to Paul...my mother...
Was just like everyone else's mother.
OK, I'm ready...
Only more beautiful.
Hi, honey.
- Hi. - Hi
Oh!
My mom wanted me to give this to you.
Oh, thank you! That was very nice of her.
Hey! Should I... Put some foil on this?
- It'll stick. - It'll stick.
Oh...
Well, are you ready?
It was...embarrassing.
Didn't Dad see?
While he was busy playing "Susie Homemaker"...
My best friend was squiring his wife around town.
Well. I'll seeya later. And, if you want a snack tonight...
There's Jell-O.
You really look gorgeous.
It should be fun.
Yep - there was definitely something wrong with this picture.
Except I kept thinkin' of Mom and Paul.
Why had she told him about Donald Perlman, and not me?
Not that I felt threatened or anything. It's just...well...
Was it possible, just possible, that...?
Mom liked you best!
Mom liked you best!!
Mom liked you best!
You lower your voice!
Mom liked you best!
Hi, everybody!
We're home!
Great. The woman in black.
And her teenaged Lothario.
Hey.
OK. It was time to put this four-eyed Romeo in his place.
Have a nice time?
Missed a great evening, honey.
Paul and I had the most wonderful time.
Uh-huh...
The most beautiful music.
But I guess I already knew it wasn't Paul I was angry at.
Anyone for some hot cocoa?
It was Mom.
I'd love some.
I could have used some cocoa, myself. But I couldn't go in there.
Because it was pretty clear now whatever was going on between my mother and Paul...
Was just between my mother and Paul.
I've always loved Beethoven.
Um...I got this for you.
It's from my mother's garden.
Well, thank you...
It's a beautiful rose, Paul.
Sure. What was next - a formal proposal?
Which is...why you shouldn't waste it on me.
- But you have to take it. - I'm allergic.
There are going to be a lot of very wonderful girls in your life
who would die to get a rose from you.
I doubt it.
I don't.
You're a very special person, Paul.
And I guess there was something in the way she said it...
That made me understand...
I hope you never get contacts... because you don't need them.
Mom wasn't breaking my heart...
She was breaking Paul's.
Without breaking it.
Well, I guess I better go.
I had a great time. Thank you.
Me, too.
Thanks, Mrs. Arnold.
And in that moment, I began to realize.. a lot of things.
Maybe my mother didn't go to the concert with Paul because she thought he was special...
But because he thought she was special.
Special enough to ask more than...
"Where's my jersey", "what's for dinner", or...
Who took the TV guide?
Oh, try Wayne's room under his pillow...
Or maybe it's behind Karen's record-player.
- It's supposed to stay on the - - I know...
I guess Dad realized it, too.
So. You had a good time?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well...
Isn't there supposed to be another one of these things?
Next month...
Huh...so, uh...we'll go.
OK.
The night Paul Pfeiffer gave my mom a rose...
He gave me something, too.
He gave me a new way of seeing her.
I guess Paul's not gonna drink his. Can I have some?
I was making it for you.
Paul made my mother feel good.
Because he didn't look at her the way we always did.
We saw "Mom". And he saw "Norma Arnold".
And I think she liked that, for a change.
Mom? Did you really audition to sing for a commercial?
Oh! It was a radio commercial.
Yeah?
For axle grease.
That night I found out my mother once got sent to the principal's office for smoking in the bathroom.
And that she almost married someone else, until she met my dad.
I learned a lot about her - about who she was...
about who she'd been... about who she wanted to be.
And the next morning, she was "Mom" again.
Our straight-man.
Only, this time - I knew better.
"Unforgettable" = sung by Nat King Cole =
¢Ü Unforgettable in every way ¢Ü
¢Ü And forever more ¢Ü
¢Ü That's how you'll stay ¢Ü
¢Ü That's why, darling, it's incredible ¢Ü
¢Ü That someone so unforgettable ¢Ü
¢Ü Thinks that I'm ¢Ü
¢Ü unforgettable,too ¢Ü
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