"Tutti Frutti" - Elvis Presley
Every generation has its idols.
Guys who were our heroes. Guys who defined "cool".
Guys who drive chicks crazy.
My generation... Produced a ton of these guys.
The Beatles...
Mick Jagger...and, of course...
Yours Truly.
OK, so I didn't have a Top 10 single.
I did have the one thing every teen idol needs.
Hi...
A fan.
Debbie Pfeiffer, Paul's little sister.
Hi, Debbie.
Hi...Kevin...
Hi, Kevin!
Debbie was a seventh-grader now,
and, to put it mildly, she thought I put the moon in the sky...
And told the stars to shine.
Hi, Debbie.
Hi!
Hi, Kevin!
It was kinda flattering, I guess.
It was also kinda...nauseating.
And the worst thing was...
No matter how hard I tried to ignore it...
Kevin?
It...wouldn't ignore me.
Hi, Debbie.
Not to seem insensative, but...
A man of my years.. Had more important things to think about,
than moony little girls.
Things like...
"S"..."P"..."I"..."R"..."I"...T". Go...Wildcats!
school sprit
Around the halls of RFK, morale was at an all-time high.
For the guys, anyway.
Football fever was in the air.
There was, of course, a reason.
"W"..."I..."L" / Make that two reasons.
Deanna Delgado. Synonymous with...
Or the Bill of Rights.
I can't wait for the game Friday night!
Friday night?
Let's get there early, so... We can sit down in front.
It was an event... Not to be missed.
Paul?
I can't go.
what?!
There was of course a reason
Debbie honey, you'll be the prettiest girl there!
I have to take my sister to a stupid cotillion dance Friday night.
It's not stupid!
Paul, we've been over this.
Mom, she's ruining my life!
I'd be proud to take her.
My little girl on my arm. I do a mean foxtrot!
Daddy!
Alvin, she's not going with her father. She's going with her brother...
Why can't she find somebody else?
Because there isn't anybody else.
Heh-heh.
You almost had to feel sorry for old Pfeiff.
Still, this was... A domestic squabble.
None of my business.
At least...not yet.
I guess....I'd just rather go with Paul, if I can't go with somebody...really nice...
Or...really neat.
Uh-oh!
The president of my fan club was calling for A personal appearance.
Come to think of it... So was the whole fan club.
Time for a little good old-fashioned diplomacy.
Come on, Paul - let's study at my house.
Yep - the old Arnold tact.
I don't believe this.
I might as well go lie down on the highway.
Paul, it's not that bad.
Are you kidding? While you guys are watching Deanna,
I'm gonna be doing the mambo with little girls in white gloves.
Oh, come on - it'll be cute.
Maybe they'll do... the hokey-pokey.
Well, if you think it's so cute, why don't you take her?
Cause she's not my sister.
Nothin' like kickin' your best friend when he's down.
Until, that is, he kicks you back.
You know, it'd really make her happy.
Paul?
Come on. Why not? She's crazy about you! She'd be -
Hang it up.
You know, a real friend'd do it.
Foul! Illegal use of a buddy.
The answer's "no" - OK?
OK, OK - I just thought I'd mention it.
Well, don't! / OK. I won't!
Heck. Being a pal was one thing, but in the real world...
Paldom goes just so far.
As opposed to, say, momdom.
So, I understand you're taking Debbie Pfeiffer to her dance on Friday?
What?!
Well, I saw Ida Pfeiffer at the library today, and...
She said that Paul said that you and Debbie...
Wait a minute - Paul said that?
That's what Ida said.
The weasel.
No, Mom...you misunderstood. See, Paul's taking her. Not me.
Oh?
Well that's too bad...
Why?
Well...Debbie thinks so much of you. And..
Look. Mom, it's not gonna happen, OK?
Not withstanding vicious rumors to the contrary.
Well, of course, honey...
It's your decision.
My poor little sister's cryin' herself to sleep at night, Kev.
I didn't realize just how important this dance is to her.
Paul...
She doesn't eat - she mopes...
Last night she sat in the dark listening to Neil Diamond.
Look...Let me appeal to your better instinct.
I'll give you five bucks.
What?!
OK, ten - that's my final offer.
Look, I know what you're thinking, but this isn't about dollars.
It's about something bigger.
And there ya had it.
School spirit had driven Paul to the brink of petty bribery.
Paul...for the final time, I'm not taking your sister to the cotillion!
Alright? / Alright.
OK. / OK!
But she's not gonna take this well.
I mean, you're gonna have to tell her.
Why?
Cause...she's gonna ask you.
She was upset. I said...
"Ask 'em. What's the worst that can happen?".
Oh, man.
I don't believe this.
But my hand had been forced.
I was gonna have to deal with this. Right here. Right now.
Kev?
Where are you going?
I was gonna have to hide in the boys' room.
Heck. The kid couldn't ask me if she couldn't find me.
Sure...Maybe I'd be a little late for class. It was worth it.
After all, the last thing I wanted to have to face was...
Hi, Kevin!
Rats!
Hi, Debbie.
God, that face.
Kinda like a kamikaze pilot on her final run.
Kevin?
I was just wondering...
See, I have this cotillion coming up on Friday...
And it would really mean a lot to me if...
Well...
I found myself hoping for an earthquake.
A sudden nuclear attack,
but of course...Life is never that forgiving.
Would you...go with me?
And so, we'd arrived.
The final showdown. Unpleasant as it might be...
It was time to break a heart.
Listen, Debbie...
OK...
Oh!
Kinda the way Elvis might have handled it.
So, you boys think the Wildcats have a shot at a good season?
Uh...sure. Definitely.
By that Friday night, my ex-best friend was on his way to cheerleader heaven.
Whereas I was on my way... To cotillion hell.
This must be the most beautiful corsage any man gave any woman.
You're so thoughtful.
It was nothing.
And it wasn't.
I'd been shanghai'd into this.
And I knew by whom.
Do you like my earrings?
My Grandma gave me these.
They're for really special occasions like tonight.
Ah. Well.
Do I look better with my glasses on...Or off?
Oops. My earring.
Excuse me!
It was obvious...This was going to be a long, long night.
OK, Paulorooski, this is it. Let's get the **** from the trunk.
OK, Dad.
I know it's here, somewhere.
This much was clear.
If I was gonna get through this evening, there was only one thing to do.
Excuse me!
I was gonna have to bail.
Have fun, son!
Sure, Dad.
Seeya.
Ah, kids today.
Mr. Pfeiffer?
I think we should talk. About tonight.
I get it. Guy to guy.
Uh, yeah.
Kev, I think I understand what's on your mind.
And, believe it or not... I've been in your same situation myself.
At last.
A man who understood.
Maybe I could catch up with Paul, before...
I want you to know... I trust you with my daughter.
You do?
I'm proud of ya, son!
"Son"?
Tell ya what. Here's five dollars,
in case you kids want to get some ice-cream later or something.
Show her... the time of her life, son.
"Sunrise, sunset - swiftly flow the years".
Kevin?
I found it.
Oh. Good.
Seedlings turn overnight... to sunflowers.
I had only one option left. If I couldn't escape...
Maybe I could just blend in with the crowd.
Miss Deborah Cecile Pfeiffer, escorted by Kevin Arnold.
No autographs. Please.
Are you having a good time?
Uh, yeah. Great.
Over the next hour-and-a-half, I was starting to feel like A prized heifer.
My, what a fine catch!
Or, a two-hundred pound marlin.
And through it all, little Debbie was stuck to my side.
Like glue.
Not like that.
Use the tongs, silly.
Oh. Yeah. right.
It all looks so beautiful, doesn't it?
I mean, I feel so lucky.
Which she was.
Still, I'd made up my mind.
I was gonna make the best of this - come hell or high water.
And now everyone...
It's time for our Sweetheart Waltz.
And then the rains came.
And leading us off will be Deborah Pfeiffer and Kevin Arnold.
See, I told you I felt lucky!
There was just one small problem here -
I didn't know how to waltz.
Come on!
So, in front of two hundred thousand gawking seventh-graders...
I prepared to make a fool of myself.
It was humiliating. There I was...
Kevin Arnold, teen hero...
Stumbling like a lame duck through the single longest waltz
in recorded history.
And to make matters worse, I was being led through it,
step by clumsy step...
By a little girl.
But at least now the hard part was over.
Now, finally...
Little Debbie would realize her hero had two left feet -
both of them clay.
Kevin you were great!
Huh?
Oh, Kevin, this must be the most wonderful night of my life!
I mean, who would have thought - you and me waltzing!
I feel just like...
Cinderella.
That's when I knew, once and for all... Debbie Pfeiffer's love for me...
Was blind.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Don't forget that souvenir pictures are being taken under the trellis.
Do you want to have our picture taken?
Faced with such untarnished emotion...
Such completely undeserved adoration...
I knew what I had to do.
I'm gonna go get some punch.
OK...
Sure, maybe it was brutal...
But it was time she faced the truth.
I sat there...
Angry at Debbie, angry at Paul,
angry at myself. I was tired of being idolized.
Sick of being a hero.
For an instant...
I'd toyed with the idea of walking the mile-and-a-half across town
to join the guys.
I guess the guys had... The same idea.
What are you guys doin' here?
Bad news, Kev.
Was it the game? Did we lose?
Worse.
Worse?
Paul...
You had the binoculars.
You tell 'em.
Well, when we got to the game...
And thus Paul launched into a story I was to hear over and over again,
at cocktail parties and class reunions.
A tale of woe. The subject?
It was Deanna...Deanna Delgado...
According to Paul, it happened in mere seconds.
Something that broke young mens' hearts,
and shattered long-held illusions.
Something slipped through Deanna's sweater.
And in the light of this horrible revelation...
A new conciousness was born.
A single undeniable truth.
Deanna Delgado... Stuffs!
Falsies.
They looked so...real!
It was a moment of rare understanding - sympathy for a dream lost.
And of course, compassion.
Come on. We're on our way to TP Delgado's front yard.
Compassion in junior high... Being expressed in many ways.
No, no thanks. You guys go on ahead without me.
Come on.
As I watched my friends head into the night...
I realized the world was not necessarily a better place
for knowing the truth.
Kevin?
Where'd you go?
I've been looking all over for you.
I, uh...I had to get some air.
You don't want to have your picture taken with me, do you?
No. Debbie, that's not it.
I guess the whole thing was just pretty stupid.
I don't really know what came over me next.
Maybe it was the hurt in her eyes.
And maybe it was because I knew I had put it there.
Or maybe it just boiled down to one thing.
You dropped this.
But I knew it was more than that.
You want to dance?
Sure.
Heck - I was no Superman.
Not really, anyway.
But if Debbie Pfeiffer needed a hero...so be it.
She had plenty of time to grow up, and figure it out on her own.
After all, a little stardust in the eyes never hurt anybody.
Least of all, me.
As for Mr. Pfeiffer's five dollars... we put it to good use.
We got the eight-by-ten, and a dozen wallet-size.