There were no two ways about it.
When I was fourteen...
I was a pretty cool kid.
Not in the ninety-ninth-percentile of coolness, maybe, but definitely top third of my class.
I knew the walk. I knew the talk. I had my own kinda...style.
But like a lot of cool kids my age, I did have one tragic flaw.
One terrible secret that threatened the very fabric of my fragile image.
I, Kevin Arnold...
- Hi, honey! - Hi, Mom.
Had a mom.
Did you have a good day at school?
Yeah!
Well, I'm glad.
Don't get me wrong - I liked my mother. She was good to me.
Hungry?
Nah...Well, a little.
Good! I made you a grilled-cheese sandwich!
She made me grilled-cheese sandwiches...
- Milk? - Thanks!
She poured my milk...
Oh - and I sewed that button on the shirt that you like - so you can wear it tomorrow.
She sewed my buttons...
That's great, Mom.
And, I went shopping for you today.
- You did? - Uh-huh.
Face it. The woman loved me.
She knew me better than anyone in the world. Which of course...was the problem.
Look! Underpants!
Your favorite kind!
She knew...too much.
Still, like a lot of housewives of her time, what Mom knew was pretty much limited to her domain.
Oh, Jack, the dryer's been acting up again - I had to change the filter on it today.
Eh...
And I put a new shower curtain up in the bathroom.
And, so long as what she did in her world didn't interfere with our world...
That was fine with us.
And...I've got some news.
I was in line this morning at the A & P...
And Marietta Milburn was ahead of me.
She mentioned that her next-door neighbor had just quit her job, and they needed someone to fill her position.
Just temporarily.
It's...mostly just light typing and filing, nothing difficult...
And I'd be home in plenty of time to cook dinner.
What do you think?
Now obviously what was required here was a show of enthusiasm.
However half-hearted.
- Fine with me then... - Sounds great, Mom.
Mom!
You're blocking the TV!
Oh! I'm sorry!
And, the decision had been made.
Well, then...I guess...that's that!
After all, if a little meaningless clerical work could brighten her day, nothin' wrong with that.
So where is this job?
In the attendance office at Kevin's school.
It was the cool kid's worst nightmare.
Mom? Listen, about this job.
Gimme a hand with this, will ya honey?
It's been so long since I've actually typed! Wonder if it's like riding a bicycle.
Seemed to me, this was a little more critical than typewriters or bicycles.
Mom? Are you sure this is a good idea?
I just wondered, you know, if you'd thought this all through.
How do you mean, honey?
Well, you know, a big decision like this isn't something you just want to rush into.
Oh...I see.
There! All I had to do was detail the greater ramifications.
Which one do you think I should wear?
Mom!
Kevin! You're really worried about this, aren't you?
God bless the woman.
- Kinda. - Well, don't be.
Just because I'm going to work doesn't mean I'm going to neglect you.
What?
I may have a job, but I'm still your mother. And you're still my little boy.
It wasn't exactly a comforting thought.
Gimme that!
Still, sooner or later, Mom would realize what a bad idea this was.
All she needed was a little time to think it over.
What time shall we leave tomorrow?
Tomorrow?
I start at nine - we can drive to school together!
Thanks...but I think I'll take the bus.
This is fun, isn't it?
So much for public transportation.
I have never seen you dawdle so long, getting ready for school.
Sorry.
You think I'm dressed OK?
Actually, she looked kinda like an astronaut's wife.
You look fine, Mom.
Now if she could only look invisible.
I'm just sorry we won't be able to see each other more.
What do you mean?
Well, I'll probably be cooped up in the attendance office all day.
I don't think I'll even have time to say hello.
You won't?
Well, then - things were looking up. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.
Maybe once we got to school, no one would even know she was there.
Once we actually got to school.
Ready?
Kevin?!
Uh...You go ahead, Mom. I got a, uh...a knot in my shoelace.
You want any help? I may have an extra one in my -
No! No really, thanks!
But, I don't wanna be late!
- No, no...wouldn't want that! - Well, then...
Seeya, Mom!
So, I'd passed the critical hurdle. I'd crossed the mine field.
With mom safely stashed in the attendance office...
I was feeling good again. Cool again.
Hey! Kev!
Guess who I ran into at the attendance office? Your mom!
Oh - she wanted me to give this to you.
Oh, my gosh!
There was only one way to handle this.
That's a pretty good one, Paul!
- Huh? - My mother?
- I don't even have a mother! - What?
Well, of course I have a mother - but she's not here, Paul.
- Gimme that! - But I just saw her!
No you didn't, Paul.
- But I'm sure I - - No you didn't, Paul.
You did not see my mother, Paul - do I make myself clear?
Take you seats, please!
OK, I'd weaseled my way out of it.
But it was clear if I was gonna survive this...
I was gonna have to lay low. Avoid public situations.
Like, say...
Fire-drill!
Now, ordinarily a junior-high fire-drill has all the excitement of a four-week vacation packed into ten minutes.
But when everyone else was partying...
I was busy keeping watch.
There she is.
Who?
My mother! What's she doing now?
Oh. She's talking to Mr. Diperna.
Diperna?!
Great. Invading my turf wasn't bad enough - now she was fraternizing with the enemy.
This is unbelievable!
Kev? Aren't you making kind of a big deal out of this?
I mean, look at you - hiding from your own flesh-and-blood?
Easy for him to say. It wasn't his flesh-and-blood.
Paul, just stay out of this, OK?
Oh, come on! What's she doing to hurt you?
Well...
And suddenly, I felt ashamed. Paul, as usual, was right.
This was my mother.
The woman who cooked my food.
And for that one moment, I actually forgave her.
Yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo! Hi, honey!
Just for a moment, though.
Mom! We gotta talk.
How do ya mean?
Well, see...
One little problem here.
How do you explain "cool" to a forty-year-old housewife...Who folds your sweatsocks?
How'd it go today?
Well - I think it went OK! Actually, I was a little nervous.
It was just all so different than what I expected.
But it was fun! I guess.
Once I get my typing up to speed, I know I'll really enjoy the job.
Oh. Good
And...that was that.
Except, somehow I knew...I had to face this thing head-on.
Listen - Mom?
This wasn't gonna be easy. It was gonna take tact...finesse.
When we're at school...could you maybe just...not talk to me?
Or, notice me...or, even look at me?
You know, cuz I'd rather people didn't know you were there at all.
Well, of course, Kevin.
If that's what you'd like.
Uh-huh. Winston Churchill, himself, couldn't have handled it better.
Still, over the next few days, things kinda...changed.
Now that we'd had our little talk, Mom was as good as her word.
And while I worked to patch my injured image.
Norma Arnold turned into a stranger.
By Friday, I guess I was feeling pretty lousy about what I'd done.
Face it, what harm was Mom actually doing me?
Hey, buddy! I hear your old lady's working for the brass.
Ask a stupid question...
Tony!
Tony Barbella - RFK's answer to Java Man.
Listen, Arnold...you don't mind if I call you "Arnold", do ya?
See I need to ask you a favor... if that's alright with you.
- Well - - I need a pass.
You know the green ones - "get outta jail free"?
And, uh, since you got, uh, family connections in the front office - I figured you were the guy to come to.
Well, Tony...of course I'd like to help you, but...just because my mom-
I understand the problems, the logistics. L-listen if you do this...
I would really...really...really...really, appreciate it.
I was mad. I'd been led to a life of crime.
And I knew by whom.
The real culprit was right behind that counter.
Mom?
Oh, Kevin! What are you doing here?
I, uh...forgot my lunch money.
Honey, my purse is just back there - would you mind just coming in to get it?
Sure!
Ah, the devious depths of the criminal mind.
OK, so I knew it was wrong. I had no choice.
Besides, after all I'd been through, what court in the world would convict me?
Kevin?
And suddenly...Court was in session.
I, uh...
Uh, Mrs. Arnold...could I speak with you, please?
I'll be right in.
As soon as possible, please.
Well, I have to get to work.
Mom!
Suddenly the Tony Barbella's of the world seemed like small potatoes.
Mom?
About what happened...
It wasn't what it looked like.
Anyway, I-I didn't take that pass.
I know.
So -
Kevin - could we talk about this later? I'm...just a little distracted, right now.
I just got my walking papers.
Mr. Diperna just fired me.
Oh...
He said my typing wasn't up to snuff. And my dictation was...laborious.
He said that?
I don't know. Maybe he's right.
Anyway...
Now you know.
I'm really sorry, Mom.
I guess even astronaut's wives had a bad day once in awhile.
Want some company?
No.
Could you take the bus? I think I'd like to go for a drive.
Sure.
So where is she?
I'm hungry.
How should I know?!
That night I didn't feel up to explanations.
Something happen at school?
No! I-I mean...nothing that I know of.
I knew I was gonna be in trouble for what I'd done, but, that's not what troubled me most.
Standing in that kitchen where Mom had made her family grilled-cheese sandwiches for last eighteen years,
I knew that something had changed.
- About time... - Um-hmmm.
Dad? Wayne?
The least I could do was prepare them for the shattered soul who would walk through that door.
Hi! Anybody hungry?
Uh-hnnnnn.
Sorry! I lost track of time.
We'll eat in twenty minutes.
Just let me get this casserole in the oven.
Oh! And I stopped by and picked up the crumb-cake you all love.
- Great. - Oh...
- You need that freshened, honey? - Oh! Thanks.
It was incredible!
This was the most un-shattered soul I'd ever laid eyes on.
She seemed...happy. Almost confidant. Almost...
Oh, Kevin - did you tell your father about school today?
Completely out of her mind.
What about school?
I won't be working there anymore.
What? Why?
Well, it's pretty simple, really.
And I knew she was gonna tell them. About everything.
Only for some reason - she didn't.
It's just not the right job for me. Not right now. And, I think I can do better!
So I won't be going back there.
Right, honey?
Well, then...if that's what you want.
That's what I want.
And in that moment...
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt one thing about this woman I'd been so ashamed of.
By the way...you're grounded.
She was pretty cool.
When you're fourteen, change is an everyday thing.
You live with it every moment of your life.
That night, I understood for the first time that Mom's world was changing, too.
Maybe more than mine.
Her family was growing up.
She didn't have kids in pajamas anymore, asking -
Mom? Do we have any more hot-chocolate?
Would you like me to make you some?
Sure!
Still, somehow...
I knew that whatever change lay ahead...
Norma Arnold would handle it.
Ready in a minute, honey!
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