My dad was always a sucker for birthdays.
Every year, he loved the ritual. The attention.
The cake.
Heck, we all loved the cake.
But most of all...Dad loved our gifts.
No matter what we gave him... It was his moment of glory.
His time in the sun.
His chance...To be king for a day.
Unfortunately by birthday-time, nineteen-seventy-one...
The king wasn't looking so...Kingly.
Sorry.
Maybe it was because he was about to turn forty-three in a week.
Maybe it was the day-to-day irritations.
Maybe it was something else.
Jack? I spoke to Karen today.
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, she just wanted to know... How we're all doing.
We're doing fine.
- And she mentioned that she and... - I don't want to talk about it.
Face it. For the past six months, ever since he'd found out my sister was co-habitating without benefit of clergy...
Dad had become kinda...Monosyllabic.
We, of course...Did our best to humor the big guy.
So, Dad...who do you think's gonna be in the superbowl this year?
I don't get it. I mean, what's the big deal?
Just because she's shacking up...With some guy.
Jack...Maybe if you just talk to her...
But no matter how hard we tried, there was just no mending the hole in our family.
I don't...wanna talk about it.
I don't wanna talk about it. OK?
Ah, well...like dad, like...daughter.
Honey, he is your father.
Mom? Did you really come all the way up here to tell me that?
No. I came to bring you groceries.
Every two weeks...My mother would invent some subterfuge...
To sneak behind enemy lines... And attempt to re-establish communications.
We do have stores around here, you know.
With...varying success.
- Have you got that OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Your mom knows there's only two of us, right?
I think so.
That would be Michael - Karen's boyfriend.
Ya know, he's...about the same.
Only worse?
You got it.
Thing is even though I was supposed to hate the guy...
I didn't. Not that that was the problem.
Well, we live together, we sleep together...
We are together.
That was the problem.
We know that, honey.
See, maybe you know that, but dad doesn't know that.
Well, you just have to give him some time.
I mean he...he's stubborn...
He's pig-headed...
Isn't he, Kevin?
Uh...
Now, don't talk about your father like that.
So, uh...Who do you think's gonna be in the superbowl this year?
I guess life here was about the same... As at our house.
Never mind.
Karen you're not being fair. Just...come talk to him.
Mom, I'd love to.
Well, good, then.
But not without Michael.
And we were back where we started.
You know...Maybe it wouldn't hurt... For you to, ya know, sit down, together.
I mean, he's your father, right? And, he's paying for all the groceries. Right?
I think there's another bag in the car. Right?
Right.
And there ya had it.
- Honey... - Eh, there's nothing more to talk about.
We were trapped between the rock and the hard place.
- Dad? - What?!
What do you want for your birthday?
Figured maybe I'd get an insight, here.
Screwdriver.
Or maybe not.
I mean...
Is there somethin' you might really need, but...no one ever gotcha?
- You know, somethin' really... - No!
Oh.
Great.
It's all I needed. Whole place is comin' apart in my hands.
The thing is, I'd never seen the guy so down in the dumps.
Someone was gonna have to do something...And fast.
Jack?
Heh?
And then...my mother did.
I've been thinking. About your party...
I don't want a party.
Fine, then. It won't be a party.
It'll be more like a...family get-together.
But if Mom thought...She was gonna lead this horse to water...
She picked the wrong horse.
- Forget it, Norma. - Yeah, come on, Mom. He doesn't...
I know that Karen would love to come.
- She would? - I talked to her this morning.
And she said that...that she'd like to come?
Uh-hmmm.
It was the first glimmer of a smile I'd seen on the guy in weeks.
She and Michael spoke, and...
They thought they'd drive down here on Saturday, and...
What?! Over my dead body!
- But, honey... - No! I don't wanna talk about it!
Listen to me, Jack!
She's our daughter! How can you treat her like this?!
What about her?! She's the one who moved in with that...
Hmmm. - That...
Cad? Cradle robber?
She wants to come to your birthday, Jack.
Not with that guy! Not in my house!
And there it was. Dad's final proclamation. End of discussion.
There was nothing left to say, except...
So why don't we go somewhere else?
Huh?
It may have been the most...Inspired moment of Wayne's long and abysmal adolescence.
Well...yeah! You know, like a...a restaurant.
A restaurant...
And suddenly Dad had been caught... Dead to rights.
What are you think, Honey?
In one fell swoop...The great wall of protocol had been smashed.
What else could the old man say, other than...
Who gets to pick the restaurant?
- You. - You do.
Oh.
And so, at long last, the arrangements were made.
The stage was set for the great Arnold Saturday night peace conference of nineteen-seventy-one.
The Briarcliff Lodge. Our very own demilitarized zone.
Not bad...
As for me...I'd decided on a surprise gift for Dad.
I was gonna...Blow the proceeds from my summer on dinner for the whole family.
Assuming it didn't get stolen.
Get outta here!
Well...shall we go in?
Yep. All that remained was awaiting the arrival of loved-ones and friends.
Or, the Hell's Angels.
Which ever came first.
Hi. Sorry we're late.
- They couldn't come in a car? - They don't have a car.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Mr. Arnold.
Hi, Michael.
Looking back, it was quite a moment... Historic, really. After all, we were...
Crossing the Rubicon, here.
So. You're the guy who's sleeping with my sister, hah?
And there was nothing to do...But...
Swim for our lives.
Heh-heh.- I'll see what I can do.
Like they say... Money talks...nobody walks.
Yeah, it was all just a matter of dropping a few pesos in the right pocket.
This is lovely.
Well, yes...Your table...is over here.
On the other hand...Maybe the peso didn't go as far as it used to.
Enjoy...
Well...this is...nice.
- Yeah. - Yeah...
So, where do we sit?
Well, let me see, uh...how about...boy-girl, boy-girl?
There. Sound thinking.
What a plan. Boy. Girl.
Boy. Boy.
Whoa, boy.
Leading to one unmistakable conclusion.
Guess we ran out of girls, huh?
Yeah. That would be it.
And how are we all this evening?
If only she knew.
Can I get you folks a drink?
Uh, yeah. I'll have a double scotch-rocks, with a twist.
For him. Natch.
If we could just see the menus, please.
Oh, our special tonight is a sixteen-ounce prime rib.
Prime rib, huh?
Alright - this was the ticket.
Mellow the guy out with a good old fashioned hunk o'...
Dead cow.
- Uh, Karen... - Well, that's what prime rib is, isn't it?
Cow flesh? How many innocent beasts...
Had to be slaughtered...So we could have this meal?
I don't know, honey...I just work here.
I'll be back to take your orders.
Who chose this place, anyway?
Dad did.
Which left us about...Oh, five seconds... From meltdown.
So, uh, Mr. Arnold...How are things at...
Norplant? Norcorp. Norfleet. Nor...
Com! Norcom!
That's-that's where you work, right? How are things there?
Work's work.
And, back to me.
Well, uh...I have to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, me too.
Norcom! I knew it was Norcom. What is the matter with me?
Look, it wasn't so bad. Really.
Right. I just made a complete fool of myself.
Well, sometimes...my dad can do that to people.
Maybe we should just stay in here awhile, you think?
Obviously this guy needed help.
Look, you'll be fine. It just gets awkward, when...
You're, you know...
Sleeping with someone's daughter. - The new person.
You mean because I'm sleeping with his daughter?
Well...there's that.
If I could just figure out how to talk to the guy.
What's he interested in? I mean...besides murder.
So I searched my brain for that one elusive universal language that could somehow...
Forge a bond between men.
What about golf?
Golf?
Sure - Dad loved golf.
Uh-huh.
My short game's crap, my putting's gone to pot, and last weekend I lost twelve bucks on a three-man Nassau.
I hate...golf.
Excuse me.
It's all you can eat, butthead - not all you can carry.
Yeah...Pow...
And so, from the far-flung corners of the salad-bar...we came together once again.
Basking in the warm glow of familial companionship.
Chatting up a storm.
I have an idea.
Why don't we all give your father his gifts.
- Ah, Norma, I don't... - Don't be silly, Jack - it's your birthday.
You have to have presents.
Well...It was worth a try, anyway.
Sorry I didn't have time... To wrap it, but uh...it's really cool, huh?
Thanks.
Fortunately...as it turned out...The evening didn't hinge on Wayne's taste in haberdashery.
Go on - open it.
November sixth, nineteen-twenty-seven.
Forty-three years ago, today.
Where did you get this?
I asked your father if he had any old pictures of you...He gave me a box your mother left in the attic.
My birth certificate? Look at the tiny little footprints.
Huh - they're smaller than my thumbs.
- See? And that's when it happened.
For the first time...That night, you could feel something between us.
Something real.
There you are...At your college graduation.
And here you are, leaving for Korea.
Isn't he handsome in his uniform?
Oh, look at me...I'm as big as a house.
That was a week before Karen was born.
You remember what you said to me when I called you from the hospital?
Yeah.
I remember. I said, "I hope it's a girl."
In that moment...Almost from out of nowhere...
we were drawn together again.
Oh...here's the whole family.
That was a long time ago, huh?
It was the family we remembered.
The family we loved.
The family we'd once been.
Here. Open mine next, Daddy.
A ratchet set! I could really use this.
I'm glad
It was Michael's idea.
Guess you say it was kind of the high point...Of the evening.
Thanks.
Well, gee, Dad - don't get all choked up about it.
I said "thank you".
Did you see what he just did? Mom, did you just see?
- Honey... - Come on, Karen, give the guy a break - it's his birthday.
Hey, when I need your help, I'll ask for it.
- Look, I was just trying to ease the... - You've done enough, dammit.
That's it. I'm leaving.
- Karen! - You know...I-I don't know why I thought tonight would be any different.
- Come on, Michael - we're out of here. - No. You're not out of here.
We're out of here. Where's the check?
It was horrible.
No, wait a minute, Dad - I was gonna pay...
Jack? Please...
Ya gonna eat this?
That night I sat and looked at old photos of my dad.
The things he'd done. His life and times.
Maybe I was searching for some way to make things better.
But somehow I knew...
It wasn't up to me to set this right.
Hi.
Daddy, can we talk?
I think I'd like that. You comin' in?
I-I can't stay.
- I know. - Not for long, anyway.
I know.
Only, where to begin.
I couldn't hear exactly what they said.
But watching them...
I finally knew what my father needed for his birthday.
Not a funny tie, or a forty-seven dollar meal...
Or even a ratchet set.
What he needed was...- Happy birthday.
Was to know, deep down...
That she remembered what he remembered.
And to feel...even for that briefest moment...
Like king for a day.
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