Whenever I look back on growing up in the suburbs, there's one thing I remember most clearly.
Our neighbors, the Pfeiffer's...were always there.
But we were more than just neighbors.
We were like one big happy family.
And at the heart of it all...were our dads.
The men who set the tone.
My dad, the athlete...
And Paul's dad, the optometrist.
Under their watchful eyes... Our families grew, and prospered.
One for all, and all for one.
Until, that is, things started to change.
- Hey, it's the Pfeiff, how ya doin'? - Great, man.
Take Paul goin' to prep school, for instance.
"Pfeiff"? What - is that like "Barney Fife"?
- Well, actually, it's..."The Pfeiff". - Oh, oh - I'm sorry.
From now on, you can call me..."The Kev".
But the changes weren't just about nicknames.
- Man, I got a ton of homework. - Ugh - me, too.
I have a three page report on "Evangeline" due by tomorrow.
I got forty five pages...on economic imperialism. Typed.
- You win. - Oh, big prize.
And they didn't stop at academic differences, either.
Oh, Alvin! It's wonderful!
Twenty-five inches diagonal.
The Pfeiffer's had come into money.
Isn't she a beaut?
I didn't know you guys were getting a new TV.
Neither did I.
Well, I saw it in the window. And you know me...I'm a spur-of-the-moment kinda guy...
I decided my family...Deserves a little luxury.
In this case, "little" being an understatement.
Looks expensive.
Oh, well, you know...Dad made this investment in some beachfront property.
Yeah - and he pulled in a truckload of moolah.
- Debbie... - Well, that's what you said last night...
It wasn't that much...
Maybe not.
Uh, let's try the remote control.
But it seemed, with his windfall...
Alvin Pfeiffer was standing a little taller these days.
At least in the eyes of his family.
I mean, who would?
- Damn! / - You OK, Dad? - Fine.
That was my dad. He had his own way of taking care of his family.
More of the "do-it-yourself" approach.
Of course, we tried to give him as much support as possible.
Hey! "Get Smart" starts in fifteen minutes. Maybe we should drop in on the Pfeiffer's.
After all, billionaire or not... He was the man we looked up to, and trusted.
Jack? Maybe we should call somebody before you electricute yourself.
Everything's under control, Norma.
Hey! I got an idea. You should buy some land like old man Pfeiffster.
- Shut up, butthead! - You shut up!
Wayne! Your father...Takes good care of us.
Besides, I like this old TV.
Alvin's lucky he didn't lose his shirt.
Yeah...Instead he got a color TV.
But the fact was...When it came to high-finance...
My dad was just more of a conservative man.
A man of quiet wisdom.
What the hell is this?
In short...A man of small parts.
- Whatcha do to this thing? - I dropped it from the top of my house.
Gene's mower shop. The great suburban leveller.
- Yeah - it's the carburetor. - How much?
Have to look it up, uh...I don't know if they make parts for these things anymore.
Wiseguy.
Come on, Dad - let's take a look around.
Why not? In a world where male bonding was at a minimum...
This place was a treasure-trove of guy-things.
Blowers...mulchers...
Four-pronged widgets. You could find almost anything here.
- There's the clutch. - Cool!
Including Al Pfeiffer on a tractor the size of a Sherman tank.
- Dad... - Huh? Jack! Hey there.
- Alvin, What the hell are ya doin' on that thing? - Just checkin' her out.
OK - nothin' wrong with that.
- That's a lotta mower... - You betcha.
Yep - we were sharing a time-honored tribal tradition here.
Eating our guts out over a hunk of big-dollar technology no ordinary mortal could ever -
OK, Mr. Pfeiffer!
We'll have her wrapped up and delivered by this afternoon.
Uh-oh.
You bought it, Al?
Well, I figure you only live once. Right Jack?
Oh - how about you sir?
She's got eleven horses...
A forty-seven inch cutting-deck with reversible blades. Interested?
Now possibly this guy was new on the job.
Uh-uh.
Oh, come on, sir. You know what they say..."your neighbors will be green with envy".
Or maybe he was just looking to start... A neighborhood war.
I got a mower. A good one.
In any event...
OK - I can fix it.
But I can't promise it's gonna last longer than six weeks.
- Fine. - OK...
We'll take it someplace else.
And at that moment... There was really only one thing to say.
- Nice talkin'. - Uh-huh.
The thing is...it was only a stupid mower.
Still, that afternoon, I couldn't shake the feeling... That there was more at stake here than just...
Lawn care.
Show off.
As Dad set the tone...
Something weird began to happen.
So I made up my mind.
Whatever was goin' on between my father and Mr. Pfeiffer...
I wasn't gonna let it get to me and Paul. - Hi.
So why does your dad need that stupid lawnmower anyway?
Of course Paul wanted to smooth things over, too.
- What the hell's that supposed to mean? - Oh, come on..it's bigger than your whole yard!
No, it's not bigger than our whole yard.
So we discussed it in a calm and mature fashion.
Well, it's bigger than half your yard.
What is this? A math thing?
No, but...but how are you gonna turn it around? In your neighbors' yard?
Admittedly, this was getting off-track.
What I really meant to say in a sensitive and caring manner was...
I mean, what's next? You gonna join some pansy country club?
Well, actually...We already did.
Uh...it is brilliant.
First you go ahead and buy this...huge lawnmower, and then you're gonna join a stupid country club?
Hey, you're the one who's being stupid!
Yep - we were really workin' this thing out, here.
I don't have time for this. I got things to do.
Yeah, fine - so do I!
And with the fences firmly mended... Between the Arnold's and the Pfeiffer's...
we went home with our friendship as solid as ever.
Over the next few days, as the Pfeiffer's continued to parade their good-fortune, the Arnold community spirit began to run a little thin.
Now he's puttin' in a pool. Can you believe that guy?
- Why can't we have a pool? - You want a pool? Start diggin'!
Goodwill was turning to bad blood.
And as we closed ranks around Dad, the gap between him and Paul's dad got...
Wider...
With me in the middle.
OK, Kevirooski.
Follow the light with those peepers, and don't move your head.
Yessir.
The thing is...Even though I'd known the guy for years...
Suddenly I was seeing him in a whole new light.
Gotcha! A little optometrist humor.
Pretty funny.
- Are we done now? - Not yet.
Read that for me.
"E", "F", "P", "T"...
"C"..."Z".
Look at him - Mr. Moneybags. John D. Rockapfeiffer.
Not a care in the world.
You know, Kev...I'm worried.
Huh? About my eyes?
Uh-uh. About your dad.
- What about him? - Well, I'm not sure.
He didn't look happy the other day. Is he OK?
Well, yeah, he's...
Oh, no. I wasn't gonna give him that satisfaction.
He works hard. That's all.
Unlike some rich guys I could think of.
That's Jack, alright. He's a hell of a guy.
Careful man. Take that investment thing.
Great. I should have known.
This whole thing was just an excuse to crow about -
He could have come in with me, ya know...
- What?! - We talked about it...
- You did? - But...he wasn't interested. Too big as risk, I guess...
I couldn't believe my ears.
I don't know. Maybe he was right.
These land things tend to be complicated.
Unpredictable. Risky. Know what I mean?
But at that moment I wasn't interested in the greater aspects of real estate.
I was thinking just one thing.
I can't believe it.
My dad, who grumbled about the Pfeiffer's good fortune, could have had one himself.
OK, sport...
Let's test your depth-perception.
Then suddenly this whole situation was starting to get kind of...
fuzzy
That's great, Dad. Now it matches the one in the living room.
- I don't understand this. But Dad wasn't the only one feeling confused.
So...How was your eye appointment today, honey?
Fine. Except...Mr. Pfeiffer said that -
Oh - that reminds me. Jack? Ida called today...she invited us all to the country club on Saturday.
- Forget it, we're not goin'. - Why not?
Because. We got other things to do.
It's just that...I already accepted. I-I thought it'd be fun...and we haven't spent...
I said...we're not going.
Of course we all knew what was going on here.
So I guess it was up to me to put it all in perspective.
What's your problem, Dad?
I mean, it's his money, isn't it? He earned it. He took the risk!
Looking back...
It was one of those moments that makes you really...Really proud to have been a smart-alert kid.
More potatoes, butthead?
Hey, everybody! This is my twisting double jack-knife!
Fairlawn country club. Watering spot of the well-to-do.
Where the glamourous went to cavort.
Not that my family were strangers to the place - we'd driven past the front gates lotsa times.
Yoo-hoo! Over here!
Let's get this over with.
Guess you could say... We were all in a festive mood.
I'm so glad you could come!
Oh, it's lovely, here. Isn't it lovely Jack?
Where's Alvin?
Oh, he'll be joining us in a while. He had some business calls to make.
- Is anyone thirsty. - Sure. / - No.
Great.
Hey, Kevin! Watch my swan dive!
Still, as country-clubs go... This wasn't so bad. Nice surroundings...
Pleasant company...
- Hi. - Hey.
- How's it goin'? - OK.
And it seemed pretty clear, one of us had to break the ice, here.
So. You...want to...do something?
So, when Paul offered the old olive branch...
I jumped right on.
Like what? Play tennis?
Service, Arnold.
- I thought you said you played before. - Of course I played before.
As in...twice.
- Lemme serve. - No, don't worry about me...I can serve.
After all, maybe I wasn't Mr. Country Club...
But I could hold my own.
Look - you want a few tips?
Tips? What did I look like - his personal waiter?
- I got it. - Here - lemme serve. I've been taking lessons.
Fine. You want to serve? Serve.
Lessons. Tips. Tennis.
Who'd this guy think he was, anyway? The great Gatsby?
In retrospect...It was the straw that broke this paupers back.
And in that instant, I only wanted one thing.
To knock him flat on his ascot.
Ahhhhhh....
Paul?
- Paul?! Paul or anyone?
- How's your head, honey? - Fine, Mom - I'm fine.
An hour later, the celebration was in full swing.
And the party was just getting started.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
It was grim. Here we were, two families who grew up practically next door, with nothing to say to each other but -
Anybody got any more saltines, huh?
Face it. Money had come between us.
Two decades...Of neighborly goodwill...
Had run aground on a few measley acres of beachfront investment-property.
And there was nothing any of us could do to make it better.
I'd like to make a toast.
Except, of course...make a toast.
We've known each other for many years.
We've...worked together...broken bread together...
Birthed our children together...
We've seen each other... Through good and bad.
So, in a way...
Your good fortune...is our good fortune.
And I just wanna say...how proud we are of you.
To you, and your success - and all the joy it brings.
We hope...it's just the beginning.
I guess human dignity can be a powerful force.
Grace untrammelled can move mountains.
Congratulations, Alvin. I'm happy for you.
Me, too.
And in that simple moment...With those simple gestures...you could feel a burden lift.
It was...wonderful.
It was...horrible.
Al...Honey?
- It's gone. - What?
I said it's gone. The whole investment.
The whole shebang.
Oh, God!
Not the beach, Dad!
- Under water. All of it. - His face told the tale.
One phone call...And the Pfeiffer fortunes had landed on the continental shelf.
So of course, being neighbors, there was only one thing we could do.
Waiter? Double steak sandwich - make it fast, huh?
Nobody talked much the rest of that afternoon...Or on the way home.
I guess we were all a little sobered...By the knowledge that the fortune of an optometrist could vanish...
In the blink of an eye.
- Where are you going, honey? - Just for a walk.
Not that I needed the exercise.
Somehow I knew I couldn't leave things the way they'd ended up.
Not with me and Paul.
Hey.
How's your head?
I'll live.
Hmmm. Seemed we were just plum out of olive branches, here.
Look...it was a honest mistake!
I mean, you hit the ball to me, and...I hit it back.
- You didn't.... - Will you forget about the darn ball?!
I don't want to talk about the ball, OK?!
- OK. Sheesh.
Tennis is a drag, anyway.
I hate this.
I wasn't sure if he meant me... Or the grass-clippings, or...
He's a fine optometrist, ya know.
Oh.
He's a leader in his field.
The thing is, I'd been so busy tearing down my own dad...
I guess I'd forgotten Paul had one to tear down, too.
Sure. Course.
I mean, it's not like he's broke, or anything. He does OK...
Right?
Well...
I wanted to tell 'em that he had nothing to fear.
That any man who could produce a son like Paul...
Was a giant in my book.
You'll probably have to take the mower back.
But other than that...
He's one of the greats.
You think so?
Even if his beach was under water.
Shove over.
At the end of that semester, Paul left his prep school, and came to McKinley with me.
In a way I think he was happy about it.
I know I was. As for the Arnold's and Pfeiffer's...we patched things up.
After all, some things are more lasting than real estate.
And Mr. Pfeiffer?
Think of it this way - nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Besides, you never knew when the tide might go out.
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