Every culture has its own rites of passage
Ways of marking that leap from childhood...
To manhood
Complex rituals...Weird dances...Acts of courage and survival
It's a tradition as old as civilization. Or...
As recent as crabgrass
Fact! in the suburbs...
A boy's first steps towards manhood start behind a lawnmower
Hey, Kevin! Watch where you're goin'. You missed a patch
Sorry, Dad
Still, for me, at sixteen, lawn care had given way to something much, much, more important
The driver's license
The thing that separates the boys...
Lucky stiff From the men
And so on, and so forth...
Kev!
Kev!!
The hell ya doin' there?
I was just
You're burning a hole in the yard!
Right, Dad!
And don't forget to put the mower away when you're finished!
OK, I will!
But the truth was, by the spring of tenth grade, It was time to put the mower in mothballs
Forget the crabgrass. Make the jump from two cylinders...
To real horsepower
OK, now, Miss Pedermeir - let's try it again
OK
Only this time - easy on the brake. 'Kay?
Which one's the brake?
Driver's ed. The final demarcation line between those who could...
And those who probably shouldn't
Easy gas...Easy brake...Easy gas...
By the second week of on-the road training...One thing was becoming clear
Yucccch - old gum
Yeah? Heh - what flavor?
When it came to operating a motor-vehicle...These other kids were gonna need a lot of help
That's fine for today, MIss Pedermeir
I thought you said we were gonna do freeways - I want to do freeways!
Fortunately, in this car full of jokers...The coach had one ace up his sleeve
Arnold! You ready?
Nice lane-change
Well, I did my best
And, put simply...My best was a lot better than anyone else's
I'd like everyone to note how Arnold here looked over his left shoulder before merging.
That's, uh, this one......Slovoski
And look at that hand-position, a perfect ten-and-two.
The motor-vehicle people are gonna be looking for that
Thanks, coach
Yeah, I didn't wanna brag...But let's face it - I had it all...
the reflexes, the instincts, the timing. The whole repertoire
Well, almost the whole repertoire
OK, we got a couple of minutes here...So why don't we jump ahead to our next section?
Parallel parking. It will be on your road test
I repeat, it will be on the test
Heh-heh, you almost had to feel sorry for the poor saps
Arnold - why don't we show 'em how it's done? She's all yours
Sure!
Course it was only right I should be the first
Left hand at noon...
Right arm over the bench
After all, I was the natural
Now, ease her on in
Yep, here it was - the final frontier
You...got it
The last thing standing between me and the open road
Get this...and I was home free
And that's when it happened
What happened?
You knocked over a cone!
He knocked over a cone!
I did?
You creamed it!
Wow!
Course, it could have happened to anybody. Still for some reason it rattled me
Let me do that again!
Sorry. We're out of time. We'll try it again next time
See you all on Thursday!
Oh...
And that was that. A small miscalculation, nothing more
Not even worth a second thought
OK, we'll try it again. Left hand at noon...
Right arm over the bench
You ready, Arnold?
Got it!
Of course I was ready
Slovoski, move your head!
I was just a little...Tense, that's all
After all, I had a reputation at stake here
Still, with the proper amount of concentration...
You got it...
Plus the old God-given natural instincts...
You got it
Yeah, what a comeback
From here on in it was gonna be smooth sailin'
If you didn't mind swimming to the curb
He missed!
Good, Arnold!
Maybe next time we can try parking the rest of the car
Hmmm...
That weekend, for some reason, the old lawnmower felt kinda...good
Familiar. Not like...
Driving
Kevin?
I know, I know - I'm putting it away
Nah, we gotta go pick up new shower doors
Oh...
Here! You drive
Oh!
You got your driver's-test coming up
You wanna practice, don't you?
Sure, but, uh...
Course any other day I'd have jumped at the chance to hit the road in Dad's gas-guzzler, but -
I don't know, Dad
Maybe I'll just......stay here
What? Somethin' wrong?
No, it's just that...
I should've told him. I should've told him, but I didn't
Never mind
Then come on, let's go
I don't know, maybe I just needed some time to think it over
Not bad...
You're OK
Thanks!
Or maybe I needed a little confidence-building from the big man
In any event, by the time we reached town, I was back on my game again. Ready for anything
Why don't you pull her in over there?
Yikes
Uh...
Sure!
I'm on it, Dad
Of course this was no time to panic - I knew that. This was simple.
Just a matter of wedging two tons of steel in a twelve-by-four parking space
Nothing to it
Nope, all I had to do was think it through calmly. Rationally
And that's when I made my fatal mistake
I thought about it a second too long
Kev?
Huh?
What are you waiting for?
Uh...
Nothing
But as I sat there...Completely paralyzed, I knew one thing
Only a miracle was gonna get me out of this now
Or...A 1970 Volkswagen Super-beetle
What does that guy think he's doing?
Didn't he see the blinker?
The idiot shouldn't be allowed on the road!
Tell me about it
Well then, just...go around
Sure, Dad
But even though I escaped this time...
The truth seemed clearer than ever.
Instead of living life in the fast lane...
I was doomed to spend the rest of mine...
Circling the block
Coming of age in suburbia - the ritual, the ceremony, the grandeur
For anybody who could parallel park anyway
With my driver's-test only a few days away...
Hey, Kevin!
Don't forget to put that away!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
It was beginning to seem like the only wheels I'd ever be in charge of would come with a leaf-bag and a mulch attachment
OK now, ease her on in.
And...perfect
The thing was, the harder I tried, the worse things got
Good, Grubner!
I guess you could say it was starting to affect my self-image
That's almost everyone
Your turn, Bo-Peep
It was clear if I wanted to pull out of this, I needed to re-establish my territory.
Assert my masculinity. The question was - how?
Hi, Kevin!
Hello!
Jessica! Hi!
Jessica Thomas. Just the kind of woman that could turn a man around
Hi. I was wondering if I could borrow your bio notes...from yesterday?
And I had something she wanted
Sure!
So, you, uh...busy Friday night?
Maybe...maybe not
Well, there's a dance...want to go?
I'm not big on dances
Or...we could ditch it
I might have plans
Cancel 'em
OK, it was a risk, but -
Alright. I will!
Bingo!
So, Friday then?
Friday!
Yes! I saw the mountain...and I took it
So pick me up at eight? You can park the car out front
Park?
Car?
And honk?
Oh no, oh no, oh no!
I've come to take my road test
Now!
I'd had it
I wasn't gonna spend the rest of my life as a shepherdess!
Take a seat. Wait your turn
OK - be rude about it. I didn't care. It was time to take the bull by the horns
No matter who was watching
Vogel!
And the thing is, now that I was there, I actually felt kind of - calm
Donlevy!
No question about it. From here on in, it was just a matter of time
Riordan!
Uh-huh. Nothing to do but wait...
Chang!
Ahem! Any minute now...
Burns!
And then, the wheels came off
Arnold?
Now I swear to you, I swear I was ready
To the deepest fiber of my being, I was focussed, confident, I was -
Good luck!
I was out of there
Oh, finished honey?
Yeah, come on!
How'd it go?
Piece of cake!
You heard it
Piece of cake
Congratulations, Kev!
You did it honey!
Thanks, Mom
Thanks, Dad
This is really - great
But it was horrible. I was a failure and a liar...
In front of my whole family
Well, let's see it, butthead!
See what?
The driver's-license - where is it?
Uh...
You didn't lose it already, did ya?
No! No! I just left it...
In my other pants - in my other wallet!
Besides, it's just a temporary!
I can't believe it. I can still remember your father teaching you to ride a bike. And now you're driving!
I guess I didn't expect you kids to grow up so fast
I couldn't believe it. My parents were getting spongy on me...
Washing away in sentimentality
So, there was only one thing to say
I gotta go to the bathroom
Not...so...fast
Yeah, Dad?
Here. Your mother and I got you something
You're gonna need these
It's your own set of keys to the car
Ah, Geez...
Thanks
I'm proud of you, son
Yeah
I couldn't get to sleep that night. I kept thinking about my future
How I was gonna grow up, go to college, raise a family
and be the only All-Pro quarterback who ever had to ride his bicycle to the Superbowl
I'm proud of you, son
I can't believe it
Your own set of keys to the car...
You did it, honey
Your driver's license - where is it?
Your turn, Bo-Peep
Proud of you son...proud of you son...
And that's when I knew what I had to do
Like the young warrior cast out into the darkness of the jungle to prove his manhood...
I was going to learn how to parallel park, the only way I knew how
Alone
This is it!
Sure, I was committing grand-theft auto...
But there was a greater need here
I had to take the chance...And I had to do it now
And the path was clear ahead
Or so I thought
At that moment I hit rock bottom. I couldn't drive, I couldn't park,
I couldn't even remember to put away my father's lawnmower.
I didn't thinlk I couldn't feel any worse
Hey! Who's out there?
Except then I did
The funny thing is, for a second I actually thought about running for my life
What the hell's goin' on here?
But somehow I guess I knew
I just couldn't run anymore. It was time to face the truth
I don't know how to park
I lied about my license
I never took the test
Here
Take 'em. I don't want 'em
And maybe in that moment...
I learned something. About being a man
Yeah, you do
Come on, let's go
Where?
You gotta start somewhere
And I learned it...
From the guy who wrote the book
Little bit more - that's good! Awright...awright. Awright, now -
straighten it out, straighten it out. Good! Good!
Alright!
That night my dad taught me a lot
How to parallel park
Why you put away the lawnmower
And in some small way - what it takes to grow up
That Monday he took the afternoon off...
And we went and got my license. He was so proud
Then he took it away - and grounded me for a month
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