Well, for your information, I'm not gonna act like that!
Oh, yes you will, Ralph! You certainly will!
Throughout time...There have been some pretty obnoxious couples.
Couples who constantly bickered.
Couples who had trouble communicating.
But never, in the history of men and women...
Had there been a couple more horrifying, more terrifying, than...
Friend?.
- I don't get it - what did I do? - You know exactly what you did!
Alice Pedermeir...And Chuck Coleman.
You were thirsty! I brought you punch! Shoot me in the head!
You know that I like ginger ale!
I made a mistake!
So - you don't know anything about me!
I know everything about you.
What color are my eyes?
In the three months they'd been dating...They'd broken up twenty-seven times.
A class record.
Uh...gray!
Green! Uh...
Gray-green!Brown!
That's right, Chuck!
Make that twenty-eight times.
You think we should do something?
Nope.
- I mean, look at the guy! - Looks like he needs us, man.
Nope.
And in situations like these, there was one cardinal rule.
We just can't leave him standing there, can we?
Yep.
Never, never, get in the middle of someone else's relationship.
Pooky? They're playing our song...
I'm know.
I'm ready..."brown-eyes".
It was a tried-and-true theory.
Leave well enough alone, and things would work out.
I'm sorry, Pooky.
Except, perhaps...when it came to my car.
- You have that wrench? - Yeah, here you go...
That winter, while everyone else was out partying, Winnie and I...
Maybe it's the alternator.
I'd bought the car from my grandfather for a dollar,
and I was beginning to think he took me.
I hate this car.
Face it. In high school...The car made the man.
And mine was making me miserable.
Maybe it's time you took it to a mechanic.
I already did.
What'd he say?
I don't know.
He was, uh...laughing too hard - I couldn't understand him.
I don't know what the problem is, man.
All ya need is...new tires, and a new body, and...a new motor.
Wiseguy...
And if that weren't bad enough, I had to sit there and watch..."Lady and the Tramp".
That is really disgusting.
You know...you guys must have just broken...What - nine or ten... Health codes?
- What's the matter with him? - Rickshaw trouble.
- Kevin's car's a lemon. - It's not a lemon!
It just... Needs a little work.
Well, why don't you just get a new one?
What, are you joking? I can't afford a new car...
And that's when fate stepped in.
Maybe my dad could help you out.
Who's your dad?
"Pistol Pete" Pedermeir - the used-car cowboy?
Oh, I didn't know that.
It was like being in the presence...Of a celebrity.
You think maybe he could help me out?
Are you kidding?"Pistol Pete" Pedermeir help someone out?
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing - just that he's uh, uh, a car salesman.
Well, what about your father?
My father's a dry-cleaner.
Yeah, well, my father is a pillar of the community!
Guys!
I wanted to keep this on track.
I bet my dad could get you a really good deal.
Do you want to go down there this afternoon?
OK, maybe I should have known better...
Well...Maybe we could just...check it out.
But it was worth a try.
After all, this was Alice's dad - a pillar of the community.
Hang on to your wallet, Kev.
Daddy!
Oh, hello, sweetheart. This is a pleasant surprise.
Hi, Pete.
Who are you?
I'm Chuck. Chuck?
Chuck Coleman?
Oh. Right...
And this is Kevin Arnold.
Hi, sir!
He's looking for a car.
Oh - Howdy, partner!You came to the right corral!
Daddy!
Sorry.
Uh, how much you looking to spend?
Well, I was kind of hoping, sir, for uh...you know, an equal trade.
Trade, huh? Well, what have you got to trade?
An Olds.
That one.
I see...
- I told u - Uh, Daddy?
I kind of promised Kevin a good deal.Please, Daddy?
Well..
But I guess even a used-car king couldn't resist a daughter's batting eyes.
Alright...
Come back tomorrow.We got a new shipment coming in.
Bingo.
- Really? - Sure, Kevin.
Any friend o' Alie's is a friend of mine.
And with that...It began to look like this whole thing was gonna have a happy ending.
I got you a great deal on a car!
All you got me was a lousy set of floormats!
- Those floormats were top-of-the-line! - They already fell apart!
Well, that's because you didn't use them right!
All I did was put my feet on them!
It was like being trapped in the middle of an Excedrin commercial.
It's salad oil! You can't get out salad oil!
Guys! Do you always have to argue like this?
What do you mean?
Never mind.
After all, if they wanted to fight...That was their business.
Me, I had more important things on my mind.
And so, the next morning...
There was nothing more to do but...spread the word of my good fortune.
Winnie was gonna flip, when I told her about -
- Kev! - Chuck!
Listen, we gotta talk!
Chuck, what is it?
She dumped me!
- What?! - She dumped me. Alice!
- Why? - How should I know?
She says that...that she deserved better than me.
Can you believe that?
She said she never wanted to talk to me again! Me!
Am I not human? Do I not bleed?
It was kinda tragic, really.
Well...gee, Chuck, I'm - I'm sorry.
- I mean, that's...rotten. - Yeah. And it's all your fault!
- Mine?! - Yeah!
Well, I mean..if we wouldn't have gone for that car...
then we wouldn't have gotten into this fight...
and I would be with my girl...right here...right now!
It was a leap of logic only a love-struck teenager could make.
Chuck...if there's anything I can do...
As a matter-of-fact, there is.
You can forget about that car!
What?
Well, I mean, Kev...
Come on, you're not gonna sit...in a Pedermeir car now, are you?!
Oh, come on, Chuck. I mean...You can't be serious.
Her father hates me. She hates me!
I mean, doing business with them, it...
Well, it'd be like stabbing me in the heart. Right?
Now remember, I really needed those wheels.
So there was only one thing I could say.
- Listen. Chuck. Lemme just talk to her - No, no. That won't do any good.
Let me just try.
Alright...You can try.
But it won't do any good!
Ah, what did Chuck know about women?
She was probably pining away for him right now.
Alice...
I never want to see him again! He's scum! He's a pig! He's a rodent!
He's a cockroach.
On the other hand, maybe the guy had a point.
Alice... A lot of relationships have their ups and downs.
Yeah? Well this one's gone to China. It's over...
Finished, finito, history! Dead.
So...when do you want to go look at my dad's cars?
What?!
Well, we can go this afternoon - I'm not busy.
And the thing was...I was tempted.
Well...
The thing is...
Am I not human?
Do I not...bleed?
But...
I don't think I can.
Fine! Then forget it!
And there went my new car.
Still, maybe it was for the best.
After all, these were not the kind of situations you wanted to get involved in.
Are we going to that party on Friday night?
Sure! Absolutely.
Because I was thinking, um..
Maybe we could find somebody who will double with us.
Double? Why?
Because it'd be fun...and we could go in their car.
I see...
Bye!
Terrific.
It was embarrassing. Humiliating.
Suddenly, it seemed like my whole life was being ruined...By this broken-down car.
It was an albatross around my key-ring.
Hey, kid? Is that your car I keep seeing in the parking lot?
I'm sure it is.
Lookin' to unload it?
Huh?
Uh...yeah!
If the price is right.
Give me ten bucks, and I'll take it off your hands.
Get oughta here... Jeez...
It was unbelievable.
I was gonna spend the rest of my life as a laughing-stock, a loser.
Unless I did something - and soon.
Listen. Alice...
- What? - About the car.
Yes?
Maybe it was a mistake...But, desperate times require desperate measures.
I've changed my mind.
OK! Great!
So...I'll see ya after school?
Sure!
And with that, my problems were solved.
Or maybe...They were just beginning.
So come on down to Pedermier's autoland, pardner.
For the straight-shootinest, best darn deals in town. Yee-hah!
That was a great one, Daddy! Wasn't it, Kevin?
Uh, yeah, sure, it's...great.
And so, that afternoon...I found myself in the thick of it.
So, uh, Mr. Pedermeir...about that car..
Please, son - call me Pete!Helluva guy here, Alice.
You know, that other fellow made me nervous, all that...Twitching and turning around..
Well, come on, son!
Let's take a look at that car.
Let's go, Kevin
The more I told myself I was doing the right thing...
The more I knew I wasn't.
- She's right over here. - After all, this was Chuck's girl.
Alice, are you sure we should be doing this?
- What are you talking about? - Well, you see -
There she is...
"Gentlemen, start your engines".
Four-on-the-floor, fifty-five big horses...
Zero-to-sixty in one city block.
Isn't she beautiful?
Yep, I wanted to say something about Chuck...
But all I said was...
I love it!
And ten minutes later, I was in the driver's seat.
She's really something, isn't she?
She sure is.
Why don't you take it out for a test-spin? Get the feel of it.
I could imagine going for a spin with Winnie.
The wind in her hair...just the two of us.
Well, let's go!
Or, the three of us.
Well, uh...Ya know, I thought, maybe...
I could, maybe, take it out. By myself...
You know...just to, uh, get a feel for it.
There should have been a law against faces that sad.
Or, you know, we could...both...take it for a spin or something.
- Great! - Great!
And so, we were off. After all, Alice did help me.
- It really moves, doesn't it? - Yeah.
We were just two friends. Two friends out for a ride.
You're really a good driver!
Thanks.
Friends enjoying each other's company.
Maybe a little too much.
Well, uh, you know...It's-it's time we better head back.
Why? It's still early...
- But... - Come on...This is fun!
OK...Maybe I was just imagining things...
but it seemed clear it was time...For a little talk.
Maybe I'd ease into it with some friendly banter.
This car's really somethin'.
But it took two to banter.
You're really something.
Oh, God - it was worse than I thought.
Well...
Lots of people are really somethin'.
I mean, you're really somethin'...
And, Chuck, well...Chuck...He's really somethin'.
Chuck's a twerp!
And then I heard the twenty-four words I dreaded most.
Kevin? Maybe I shouldn't be saying this...
That was seven of them.
I mean, it's kind of hard to admit...
And that was eight more.
But I have always had a crush on you.
And that made...The dreaded twenty-four.
Alice..
It was from the first time I saw you.
Remember you opened the boy's room door, and I accidentally bumped into it?
And you went on and on about how sorry you were?
I didn't have a clue.
Course I remember.
But it's just...The way things are now.
- I mean, there's Winnie, and - - Kevin?
When you're in love...
You can't let anything stand in your way.
There comes a time when you have to be honest.
When you have to lay it all on the line...No matter how much it hurts.
Listen. Alice...I like you. A lot! But -
Oh, Kevin! I'm so happy! I thought you felt that way!
It was about as bad as things could get.
And then it got worse.
You mean everything to me!
Oh, my God!
Chuck! She doesn't mean anything to me, Chuck!
Believe me, Chuck. Nothing!
She - she doesn't mean anything to me, Chuck!
Nothing! She -
Chuck?!
An angry suitor. A jilted lover. A friend betrayed.
Uh...Chuck?
Hey...Kevo. What do ya say?
Great day, huh?
Yeah!
Amazing!
For a man who had been practically suicidal...
This guy was looking decidedly chipper.
Listen, Chuck, uh...
About last night.
Ah. Don't worry about it!
I mean...I understand.
- You do? - Yeah. Alice told me the whole story.
- She did? - Yeah.
She told me...How, uh...You told her that...
You had this crush on her for all these years...
And that, you know, you were just using your car...To get closer and everything.
I mean, actually, it's kind of pathetic.
Because, you know, all you had to do was tell me how you felt, but no..
you had to go behind my back instead.
Not that I blame you.
I mean really...who could resist a girl like Alice? Right?
And that's when I realized...when it comes to love...There is no truth.
Exactly...
Chuck?
Hi, Pooky!
Hey...
So, uh, I guess everything's...OK now, right?
Yeah.
Except for, uh, one thing.
The weird thing was,
I actually thought he was going to thank me...For bringing them back together.
- Are you OK, Pooky? - I'm fine, sweet-potatuh.
Bye, Kev!
- You want to go out tonight? - Yeah, sure!
I never did get that car.
I got my old one back from "Pistol Pete".
But I guess I did learn a few things from this mess.
When it comes to couples, mind your own business.
When it comes to women,
you'll never understand them.
And, when it comes to cars...
Right...I'll have this fixed in a minute.
Sure.
Always bring a wrench.
I guess we're gonna miss the party.
Hey, Arnold - get a horse!
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